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Telling (in)fertility friends about miracle pregnacy...


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#1 newblessing2012

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Posted 28 October 2011 - 04:45 AM


so... I found out this week that I'm pregnant! WOW! My twins are over 3 years old and we weren't really "trying"... but weren't preventing either, wow, we're still in shock but with smiles on our faces. We're planning on not telling family/friends until much later in the pregnancy (not at wk 6), hoping to make it closer to the 12 week mark. (Sorry for the secretive user name... I am an active user, but I really don't know who on her knows me "in real life"!! so I created a new user to ask this question!)

But my question would be for those who've gone through IVF/other fertility issues... when would you want to be told??

I have a small group of women who I met during our time of ttc and we're pretty tight. If it were any other month I might just run out and tell them, but one of the main members is going to start an IVF cycle this next week for a second child. I don't want to wreck her concentration or whatever... but also don't want to offend her or anyone by not telling sooner.

any thoughts on this? I know that she and many others have already said that they like to be told about new pregnancies via an email so that they can digest it in their own time, but I'm just not sure if it would be encouraging or discouraging for me to tell her now...

thanks in advance for any tidbits on how you'd feel or if you know how a current IVF patient would feel.

*I guess my options are tell her now before she starts cycle next week. (I'm 6 wks)

*Possibly wait 2 week until I have a first dr. appt. and a scan when I'm 8 wks along and she's to the retrieval stage of her cycle.

*not sure if I could wait another 2 weeks until she finishes her 2wk wait... (if her cycle doesn't work, seems like this would be the worst time to tell my good news!) I'd be 10 wks along.

I guess I'm toying with telling now, or telling when she's done w/retrieval - but then what if her cycle is really bad?? oh I'm really torn, I really just want a pregnancy buddy! I don't want to be a discouragement to her! what to do? thanks so much for any thoughts!
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#2 Mom to Jack and Anna

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Posted 28 October 2011 - 05:43 AM

For me, having children now, a lot of the pain of the first time around is gone. While I admit to a twinge of jealousy at others' surprise pregnancies because that's really not possible for me, I am mostly just happy. And I say this as I contemplate another round of IVF. So for me it wouldn't matter, wouldn't have any impact on my cycle.
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#3 MichelleL

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Posted 28 October 2011 - 06:41 AM

I feel pretty much the same as Rachael. I think some can handle it and some can't, it's different for everyone. Having going through IVF, I still get VERY jealous at anyone who conceives like that. :blush: But, it's not a feeling I EVER share with my preggo friends.

If it were me, I would definitely wait for one because you are so early and two, let her get through this cycle if she might be a person that would stress about it. :hug: :hug:

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!! :woo: :woo:
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#4 Twinrific

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Posted 28 October 2011 - 07:25 AM

Congratulations! Wishing you a healthy and uneventful pregnancy Posted Image

I don't have kids yet but am happily pregnant after various treatments :) imo I would tell asap. That's what I would prefer in your friends shoes but we are all different so it's difficult to say.

My sister in law fell pregnant just before our 2nd IVF attempt and I was the first person my brother called. I really appreciated that he took my feelings into account and made sure I wouldn't find out through the grapevine somehow. It was hard news but it didn't derail me much. Even though our 2nd IVF was a bust (it got cancelled a few days after my brother's announcement due to my low egg reserve at that stage) I still preferred that they told me, it was a really low time but my brother's announcement didn't make it worse, it sucked all on it's own. I think I would've taken it much harder if they waited but that's me, you probably know best how your friend will take it.

Like the other ladies said I get very jealous of "oopsies" or couples that conceive within the first 2 months of trying but that's just because I would love to have that too. I'm not any less happy for the family member or friend that gets that though. I especially get a smile when a couple who previously went through IF suddenly get a surprise pregnancy (like you) because I know how much they've gone through and feel they really deserve such a happy surprise.
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#5 newblessing2012

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Posted 28 October 2011 - 07:32 AM

thanks ladies! I am leaning towards telling her sooner than later... I definitely won't tell anyone besides family before this group of friends, I sure don't want a grapevine issue!! And of course I may tell a few of these ladies before family - and that shouldn't be a problem as those two groups of people don't know each other.

It's just that before all this infertility stuff happened we wouldn't have told until closer to 12 wks... now it's just complicated because we have shared the information so much sooner!!

again, thanks for the quick responses!
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#6 KCMichigan

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Posted 28 October 2011 - 07:33 AM

Congratulations! Wishing you a healthy and uneventful pregnancy public/style_emoticons/default/icon_biggrin.gif


Like the other ladies said I get very jealous of "oopsies" or couples that conceive within the first 2 months of trying but that's just because I would love to have that too. I'm not any less happy for the family member or friend that gets that though. I especially get a smile when a couple who previously went through IF suddenly get a surprise pregnancy (like you) because I know how much they've gone through and feel they really deserve such a happy surprise.



Ditto this.

I really get excited for my friends that suffered infertility since they 'get' it. I would be 'less' jealous than those friends that get surprises and/or get pregnant really really easily! But I am more tolerant of my friends since I can share their joy!


I had a failed FET at the same time my neighbor had a surprise pregnancy. I was thrilled for her since she had struggled to get pregnant with both her boys and then had a girl! Was I envious, yes, but since she was a good friend- the sting was a little less.
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#7 newblessing2012

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Posted 28 October 2011 - 04:44 PM

thanks ladies! I know she'll be thrilled for us, hopefully the timing of telling is perfect!
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#8 Specky

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Posted 02 November 2011 - 01:37 AM

I'm sure for a moment in private there would be 2.2 second of envy, but that would never get in my way of cheering on someone I was close to who achieved something they wanted. I think your respect for your friends feelings is wonderful. I personally would feel more hurt if someone felt they couldn't share their amazing news with me!

Oh, and Congratulations! I hope the next 9 months ate wonderful! I hope you tell us who you 'really' are, when you're ready!
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#9 JicJac

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Posted 02 November 2011 - 07:35 AM

:hug: Good for you for thinking of your friend. I think she'd certainly appreciate hearing it from you vs someone else. You are a good friend! Congratulations as well!
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#10 TwinLove

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Posted 02 November 2011 - 08:39 AM

If it were me, I would definitely wait for one because you are so early and two, let her get through this cycle if she might be a person that would stress about it.


:good: I agree with Michelle.

I still get that twinge of jealousy. :blush: I went through infertility, had an opps pregnancy and when I was about 25 weeks pregnant and my SIL told me she was pregnant I was STILL jealous. :umm: I think for some (like me) that feeling will forever be there.
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