[E&Msmom]

We have twins who are 4, and a 2 year old. When we were first married we agreed 2 kids. Im one of 6 (although divorced parents so all siblings are halves) and DH is one of 3. After we had the twins, I knew I wanted another baby, dh was good with the 2. The next baby was a suprise. I was no where ready to have her when we did. Dh handled it better than I did but was done done done after her. Fast forward, she turned 2 and he said we could have another one. Told me to let him know when Im ready because Ive been talking about having a 4th for awhile. Ever since he said that, Im not sure I feel the same!

With the twins we had just moved across country. Had no family, hadnt made friends and due to finances I had to go back to work when they were 6 weeks old. I worked full time til they were 8 months when I managed to go part-time. I breastfed 14 months and found out I was pregnant right after their 1st birthday.

With the "baby" she was born with a soft cleft palate, I had 3 kids under 2 (they were 21 months apart) I pumped the whole first year and still worked part-time.

I am an IBCLC in my day job and when Im at work I get baby fever in the worst way. All I can think about is having another sweet cuddly baby. Watching them experience everything for the first time. DH has agreed if we have a 4th we can do a homebirth etc which I didnt get with the others. I grew up with a big family, we are much better financially now than we've ever been and often times I think Id love to have that 4th baby. I am scared the baby could have a cleft (we already did genetics counseling) and Im seeing a ND to get completely healthy & take all the right vitamins etc. I have an IUD, but Im charting/temping etc as if we are going to have a baby.

However when it gets right down to it, Im not sure its what I really want. Anytime I get to go out with my girlfriends or have time to sew, or enjoy leisurely time I dont want another kid. I want to embrace the 3 I have and love the free time that I do get. I also had a diastasis recti & 2 hernias repaired after the 3rd baby so Im apprehensive about a 4th when Ive had that surgery & have a giant piece of mesh in there.

How do you decide to add more when you have the option?? I never thought DH would agree to more than 3, and now that he has, I cant seem to commit to wanting the 4th. The youngest will be 3 this year. I keep telling myself if we're going to have another I need to figure it out. Otherwise the "baby" could really end up a baby baby since the twins & our 3rd are only 21 months apart and the "current baby" is going on 3 this year!

Words of wisdom?

[weegus]

No words of wisdom... every family is so different as to their situations for expanding their family. But I can share my experience. I also had my twins first and a singleton shortly after (he was unplanned and 17 months younger than his brothers). I got the itch right around the time he turned one, but like you, I was enjoying my freedom and also my sleep!! My husband was DONE at three. I was discussing this with an older, wiser member of my family and she said that she has never met a woman who regretted adding a child to her family but has met many who regretted not having more when they could. Something clicked in my brain and I knew at that point that I wasn't done. I talked my husband into it and agreed to have my tubes tied after a fourth (I told him he had to get a vasectomy if he wanted to stop at 3... he chose the "easy" way out!). The twins will be 3.5 and our "baby" will be just shy of 2 years old when baby girl comes. I have had many "what was I thinking" moments during this pregnancy but don't regret our decision... we'll see if that changes after she is here!

I do not have the issues that you have that complicate the situation, so I can see why you are torn about this decision. I wish you luck with your decision!!

[NINI H]

DH and I were very done at 2. The two older boys a just shy of 2 years apart. D had some health issues from a head injury which took most of our time for therapy. I was tired. Then surprise I found out I was pg. I was happy, just tired. Then we lost our little girl in utero. But by then we were so happy about another we tried again. I lost the pg early on. so we tried one last time and got our twins. My ODS prayed for a little sister when I got pg with Hannah. He ended up with 2 more brothers, LOL.
I can't tell you how nice it is to have them paired up. The two older boys and then the younger boys. DH always said he'd have 2 or 4, but not three. He was from a family of three kids, and someone was always left out. He got his 4. We love our mini-large family. And Meghan is right I don't think you will ever regret adding to your family, but you may if you don't. I do think to what life would be like without j&j, and it would never be as fun. They add so much humor and life!!!

[E&Msmom]

Thank you both for taking the time to respond. We are getting ready to move to a much bigger house in May. Im hopeful that once we are settled in there, I can start to either see us with one more, or not.

I will say that my gut feels incomplete. Our table has 6 chairs, right now ones always empty. The new house a mudroom with "locker type" cubbies, 6 of them. I feel like the baby would be a boy, and I already know what we'd name him. I guess Im just nervous. With the twins I was trying for 1 baby, I got an extra. then the 3rd baby was a surprise so to knowingly TTC, well, I've only done that once before and I had no idea what it meant to be a mother! =)

[Heathermomof6]

IMO just the fact that you posted this tells me that you would not regret having another but always would if you didn't...




Our decision to expand was all mine. I had my tubes tied the day after our 3rd son was born, for all the wrong reasons (.$$, we had more kids than all of our friends, pressure from others ie comments like "don't you know what causes this") I regretted it while still on the operating table ( I had an epidural and was awake and crying the whole time,, seriously). I was very depressed after this so much that instead of being joyous that I had just had a baby, I felt like someone had died. 4 yrs later I had an ectopic pregnancy. My rt tube was gone after that but I had my left tube reversed, took Clomid and nothing happened. So we moved on to IVF 7 long, roller coaster years later. Had my twins and dh was super DONE!!! I wasn't. I was over the moon happy but I still had a complete feeling that some little booger was still missing from our lives. I did a FET in 2009 dh was not really on board with that one but ok'd it (barely). I lost that baby at 6 weeks. We moved 900 miles away, near no one we knew. Dh was DONE, I knew I was missing part of my tree. I, much to dh's dismay found an RE up here and had our embryos flown up here from Atlanta. Dh rolling his eyes the whole time, but he agreed to try one more time. 11-11-10 we transferred 2 llittle embryos and I got pregnant with Easton Asher. None of us could imagine life without this little guy. For the first time in my life, while I LOVE LOVE LOVE to be pregnant and wouldn't mind that again LOL!! I actually have times when I feel very complete. (I do have spells when I would love to have another baby, but I have never felt compete for even a minute before). If DH told me he wanted another I would be at the Res office tomorrow and if it happened without IVF then I would be the happiest person on the planet but I am not going to try to make it happen again and for once I am ok with that.

[3under2!]

I don't want to make a call on your situation, but I have also met several, or even more than several women, who regret not having 'just one more'. Good luck with whatever you decide!

[E&Msmom]

Heathermomof6, on 01 April 2012 - 05:08 AM, said:

IMO just the fact that you posted this tells me that you would not regret having another but always would if you didn't...




Our decision to expand was all mine. I had my tubes tied the day after our 3rd son was born, for all the wrong reasons (.$, we had more kids than all of our friends, pressure from others ie comments like "don't you know what causes this") I regretted it while still on the operating table ( I had an epidural and was awake and crying the whole time,, seriously). I was very depressed after this so much that instead of being joyous that I had just had a baby, I felt like someone had died. 4 yrs later I had an ectopic pregnancy. My rt tube was gone after that but I had my left tube reversed, took Clomid and nothing happened. So we moved on to IVF 7 long, roller coaster years later. Had my twins and dh was super DONE!!! I wasn't. I was over the moon happy but I still had a complete feeling that some little booger was still missing from our lives. I did a FET in 2009 dh was not really on board with that one but ok'd it (barely). I lost that baby at 6 weeks. We moved 900 miles away, near no one we knew. Dh was DONE, I knew I was missing part of my tree. I, much to dh's dismay found an RE up here and had our embryos flown up here from Atlanta. Dh rolling his eyes the whole time, but he agreed to try one more time. 11-11-10 we transferred 2 llittle embryos and I got pregnant with Easton Asher. None of us could imagine life without this little guy. For the first time in my life, while I LOVE LOVE LOVE to be pregnant and wouldn't mind that again LOL!! I actually have times when I feel very complete. (I do have spells when I would love to have another baby, but I have never felt compete for even a minute before). If DH told me he wanted another I would be at the Res office tomorrow and if it happened without IVF then I would be the happiest person on the planet but I am not going to try to make it happen again and for once I am ok with that.

Heather, I think you're right.

[E&Msmom]

weegus, on 30 March 2012 - 03:39 AM, said:

No words of wisdom... every family is so different as to their situations for expanding their family. But I can share my experience. I also had my twins first and a singleton shortly after (he was unplanned and 17 months younger than his brothers). I got the itch right around the time he turned one, but like you, I was enjoying my freedom and also my sleep!! My husband was DONE at three. I was discussing this with an older, wiser member of my family and she said that she has never met a woman who regretted adding a child to her family but has met many who regretted not having more when they could. Something clicked in my brain and I knew at that point that I wasn't done. I talked my husband into it and agreed to have my tubes tied after a fourth (I told him he had to get a vasectomy if he wanted to stop at 3... he chose the "easy" way out!). The twins will be 3.5 and our "baby" will be just shy of 2 years old when baby girl comes. I have had many "what was I thinking" moments during this pregnancy but don't regret our decision... we'll see if that changes after she is here!

I do not have the issues that you have that complicate the situation, so I can see why you are torn about this decision. I wish you luck with your decision!!

I think hearing 2 of you say this made it really click for me. I look at our 3rd baby, total suprise and cant imagine life without her. We would have been missing out!

[E&Msmom]

I asked my husband whose completely happy with our current family size on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being most supportive, how supportive would he be of a 4th baby. He said 7. He said he doesnt want me to NOT have one and live the rest of our life with resentment towards him. Financially its not a concern, but he does not like infants and has admitted that I will be doing 95% of the work until the baby can walk, talk & is potty trained (so basically the first 2 years).

Would I feel worse to not have one? or to have one knowing he's not at 10?

[miss_bossy18]

I gotta say - if my hubby was anything over a 5 we'd be having another. ;)

[cheezewhiz24]

The baby comment would annoy me but my DH is like a -4 on your scale. 7 is pretty on board IMO.

[christinam]

I agree anything over 5 go for it. But, I do 99% of the baby stage so it doesn't bother me.

[E&Msmom]

I wish I could 'LIKE' posts on here lol :)

We should do a poll, how many of you would like another kid but your husband is against it? I bet the response would be overwhelming. Seems like women are always pushing for the babies.

[miss_bossy18]

I don't know about others but in our situation, I know DH is concerned about finances. He feels a lot of pressure from himself to provide. While I know that more kids will make things tight, I also know that we'll find a way to make it work, so don't worry too much about that side.

[weegus]

I would say that my husband was about a 4 out of 10 on board with having another baby. I really think that the only reason he agreed was so that he wouldn't have to get a vasectomy. But, he is really excited and happy about it now! And, he is a lot like your husband... doesn't really do a whole lot during the baby phase (or the toddler phase for that matter, LOL!!). Like the others said, I agree that a 7 is ON BOARD!!!!!!

[Dielle]

I think that like others said, just the question seems to be your answer. And I know that feeling of there being someone almost missing from the family. I always wanted 6 kids. DH wanted 4. We skipped 4 and went from 3-5 with twins. That was super stressful on DH. He was miserable when I was on bedrest, both from the extra responsibility of doing everything and feeling unable to fix this situation for his wife. So he was really stressed at the idea of having another set of twins, much as he adores ours. It took a little while to have him come around to the idea of 1 more and I think he was probably about at a 7, too. After Spencer was the first time I totally was ok with not having more, didn't feel like maybe our family wasn't complete. It also probably helped that I was almost 38 and it was my roughest delivery and recovery. I've thought about it though and if suddenly DH decided that he thought we should have another, I'd be ok with that and would probably go for it. But I'm really ok with the size of my family and the children I have and no longer have that feeling that there might be someone missing from our family, so to speak.

DH and I were just talking the other day about how he'd wanted 4 but now he can't imagine not having any of our children.

[Heathermomof6]

I want another baby badly, Travis is like a -1,0000000000000000 on your scale. I pray it happens without IVF but after 10 yrs of it not I doubt it will. If my husband was even a 1 on the scale I would be pushing for another LOL!!! If we win the lottery anytime soon I will do another FET.

[Christel]

I think if you are not sure, there's no harm in waiting. Your others are still young and it is stressful to have many littles at the same time. BUT I also agree that you will never regret having another, but you probably will regret NOT having one.

When we got to our twins (#5 & 6 for us) my dh was certain he was done. Adamant. For about 2 years. He changed his mind about 6 months after I quit nagging him about it, lol. After Evelyn (#8) we are both sure we're done.

And I even get the not liking babies comment. Heck, I agree with him!!!