3 1/2 and seeking negative attention

I have identical girls that are 3 1/2. Second DD has always been extremely attached to me. She's also always been more sensitive than her sister and upsets easily if she gets in trouble, makes a mistake, meets new people, etc... She's very verbal, great with names, puzzles, songs, etc. They started preschool 3 full days a week about two months ago and both are really blossoming! She is a little behind her sister academically and socially. At school she either plays with her sister or alone if her sister is already playing with someone else. She is also really needy of negative attention. She's always gone through phases like this but lately it has become more obvious that she is really seeking attention, especially the negative type. She sometimes really focuses on anything bad that has happened to her and will rehash old stories about when another child at preschool stepped on her finger and she will cry big alligator tear sobs all over again and say things like "ouch, that's not very nice" (she has several stories like this that she goes through when she's "in the mood"). And, when she gets in trouble at home it's usually for directly disobeying us like when I say "It's time to go potty. We have to try to go potty before we get in the car." Her response might be "NO"(repeatedly) and she'll lay on the floor and cry/scream until I pick her up and put her on the toilet or (we've used a lot of 1-2-3 Magic's strategies) start the time out count down. I try to explain that if she takes a time out, she'll still have to do whatever it is she's saying no to as soon as the time out is over. This used to work.. she'd give in and just go potty or whatever it is but now she says she wants to go ahead and have the time out. And, the time out isn't helping her to calm down. It seems to just prolong the time in which she is receiving negative attention (even though I mostly ignore her during time out). She is also potty trained but since starting preschool, wets her panties every single day. She doesn't urinate fully in them. Some urine comes out before she decides she better go potty. It seems she's just too busy to stop and use the toilet (a common problem with 3 year olds, I know). Again, no matter how much we talk to her about it (blue in the face), nothing has helped!! (Actually, just this week I implemented an extrinsic reward program for keeping her panties dry even though I am much more of an intrinsic rewards type of person... and it has actually helped.) But, she still says she'd prefer to wear her pull-up. She still wets at night so wears them to bed (and tries whatever means possible to keep them on for as long as she can in the morning).

Can someone tell me what to read or what else to try!!? I've tried and tried various things and I just feel like I'm not doing her justice. I know I'm not providing her what she needs and it's driving me crazy! My sister (and one of my sister in laws) was kind of like this as a child and she is still a drama queen and always has tons of negativity in her life and frequently feels victimized. I need to figure this out so that I can raise my DD up to be a healthy, strong and stable woman! HELP

 

Is it possible that she is still adjusting to preschool? Have you discussed with her teachers what is going on in school? I'm wondering if something could be bothering her at school? I think with some kids, they don't like a lot of change and act out about it.
With the drama queen antics, I would ignore her. My DD went through a phase where she would cry over nothing. One example: crying because she wanted to get the spoon out of the drawer but I did it. However, she never mentioned anything about wanting to get the spoon out of the drawer. So I would tell her it's not worth crying about it and next time say something. But she did not get cuddles and hugs and sympathy for crying over stuff like that. One she realized that was not working, she started to ask to do things and state her wants and needs. It's been a lot less crying and drama since then.
Another thought about wetting the panties, I do agree that your DD might be too busy to stop at school. Maybe just before school, go over with her the routine of her day at school and tell her that she will not miss anything if she has to use the potty and that her teachers will be happy to help her. Both of my kids are PT-ed but they are very shy and I'm always afraid that they will not tell the teachers if they have to go, so I always remind that Mr. Ed and Mrs. Delia will always be happy to help them out, just like they do their classmates.
About the pull up, I would tell her that is her special underwear for night time and that's the only time she can wear a pull up. When I was PT-ing my DD, we called the night time pull up, her sleepy time underwear and when she started keeping the pull up dry over night, we made a big deal about being able to wear her big girl underwear to bed.

 

Thanks Nancy. It really helps to bounce things off of other moms Oh my goodness, she had SO many tantrums today it was unreal... and the day isn't over so I am crossing my fingers! Thye've been sick, cooped up, and yesterday they didn't get to rest nearly enough so I'm sure that had a lot to do with how crazy today has been! Plus, I've bee cooped up too! I have talked to her teachers just a bit and they said that she is sometimes a bit defiant and that it's not been a huge deal and they are hoping it's just an adjustment issue. Their behavior policy is wonderful and full of positive interventions so I know she's not getting much negative attention there! Just from me And, I realize my original post made it sound like this has only been happening since they started school but that's not really the case (except the potty issue). She's had several similar phases. This one just seems to be worse (she is older now), longer lasting and causing me to worry oh so much!!

 

I also have a dd similar to yours. I started reading several positive pArenting books and it is helping tremendously. If I go down the path of getting frustrated with dd it gets so much worse too. I have to stay positive myself and now I only use timeouts for hitting or hurting others. U sometimes
Have to be creative with these kids. I read poaitive parenting and siblings without rivalry and they helped
Me.
U can work on these things but also reframe your thinking , these traits that can be frustrating to us right now can be very sought after traits and help her to be successful
As she gets older. In other words your ds is determined, focused, and these things can be poaitive traits in the work
World!

 

Thanks for the input Isis as well as the suggested reading! I will certainly pick those up asap!! I prefer positivity! And, about today's crazy behavior... by this evening she was crying and sometimes screaming due to bad ear pain. So, at least I can understand where she was coming from today! Off to see the doc if not better tomorrow!