8-year-old bullied at school. How would you handle it?

(Mods, can you please link this to 6-12? Thanks!)

Yesterday, I arrived at the school gym to pick up Jackson from Cub Scouts (they meet right after school on Tuesdays), and he was sitting on the floor, hiding behind a big padded mat that hung on the wall, sobbing. All the other kids were gone. The two leaders (two young women -- not the regular male leader) were across the room picking up.

I asked him what was wrong, and he said several of the boys (they have a group of about 10 kids, from 1st to 5th grade) had started teasing him, crumpling up some papers he was working on at their meeting and giving him a hard time. He said he chased them and told them to knock it off, but they wouldn't stop. When he then started to cry, he hid behind the padded mat, but his feet were still sticking out, so he said they pulled his shoes off and one of them pushed the mat where Jackson's head was behind it so his head would hit the wall. A couple of his good buddies in scouts made sure he was OK and didn't join in.

Nothing like this has ever happened to Jackson. He's gotten a little teasing, just like every kid, and he's always just ignored it and it truly hasn't bothered him at all. But this is the first time I've seen him really upset and scared.

DH has told me boys are very different when it comes to this stuff than girls. When I had a problem with girls at school, it was always a big emotional thing that involved grudges and cliques and the whole works. DH says the boys were probably getting rambunctious, saw that Jackson was bothered, and that just fueled the fire, and that tomorrow, they will probably all forget about it and be friends again. He doesn't think it will be an ongoing thing.

One of the girl leadera came over when I was talking to Jackson and said, "I'm sorry. I was talking to a parent and didn't see what was going on. Those boys will be writing sentences or something at the next meeting."

My inclination is to write a letter to the director of the scouting section that meets at Jackson's school. I feel like, if a kid can't feel safe and secure at a scout meeting, where can he? I think this would be a great opportunity for the director to step in and use this as a learning experience for the boys. He's a nice guy, but can be stern, and I know the boys respect him and probably even fear him a little. I think he should go to the next meeting and remind the boys how scouts are supposed to behave and interact with others.

So, do I write the letter to the scouting director? Ask him to talk to the boys, or just tell him what happened? Name names? Send a copy to the principal, since it happened at school? Or do I chalk this up to the rambunctiousness of boys and trust that at the next meeting in two weeks, they will all have forgotten about it and be back to normal?

This is new territory for me. Thanks for your help!

 

Im really sorry this happened!
I would let the director know what happened. Where were all of the other adults why this happened? I would ask that too...the only thing is, if the boys know that you made a big deal out of it, do you think it would make it(the picking) worse? I would like to go and knock every one of those boys in the head myself I HATE picking!

 

I have a 7 year old and I do not tolerate bullying. I would speak with the parents of the "ring leaders" and the director of the boy scouts. First, make sure Jackson is okay with it. Make it seem like his idea so he won't get embarrassed that you are sticking up for him.

 

I'm so sorry this is happening to your son. At 8, I'd be inclined to get leaders, teachers, parents, etc. involved. I'm not a big fan of the "boys will be boys" explanation when it comes to hurtful actions. A little bit of teasing (what you described that happened in the past) is normal. What strikes me about this situation is that your son was picked on by a group and that it led to some physical pushing. He should definitely be safe at a scout meeting, there is no excuse for that going on as long as it did. And I'm not sure that "writing sentences" is an appropriate punishment. I'd want the boys to apologize for their actions. Maybe I'm old-school in my thinking but at 8 years old, kids should be held responsible for their actions. I'm not saying the kids should be tossed out of the group or anything like that, but I think they should have to acknowledge what they did was wrong.

I hope this gets cleared up asap!

 

My oldest son turned 9 so I can totally relate to what you're going through. My son is a confident kid and has never seemed to have problems making friends/keeping friends, so when he was bullied on the playground at school earlier this year it really caught me off guard. My DH had to talk me off the ledge I think guys can relate more, since as you said, girls handle this stuff much differently.

My gut reaction would be to let Jackson know you are going to talk to the director. There are big issues here, like where was the adult supervision? I am positive that the issue of bullying won't betaken likely, since there are probably policies in place.

Although I would have no problem discussing this with the director, I personally wouldn't go to the parents of the other boys. I would like to think all parents would handle it correctly, but you just never know how they will react....my fear would be that they would mention it in an inappropriate manner to their child & then they may bully Jackson even more.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do I know....I know it's really emotional to watch your son go through this (I was on the verge of tears when this happened to my son!!).

 

Last night my 14 year old told me he had inadvertently gotten into the middle of something at school and that he thought he might have to fight (defend himself) at school today. He's never been in a fight, a really good kid, and I'm having to fight my mommy instincts to jump in the middle of it, too. At 8, and with the knowledge that this did turn physical, there were 2 adults in the room, AND that when you arrived, the other leaders were "picking up?!" while your son was behind a mat crying, I would talk to the director. I'd keep it calm and explain what happened. There are several issues that need attention: the actual bullying, and the leaders' not seeing what happened and intervening. I do agree with the pp that I wouldn't at this point talk to the parents. People can be really weird and you could make it alot worse for your son if one of these parents said something to their child, either accidentally or intentionally. Bullying is usually just boys being boys and it passes like your husband says. But I'd sure keep a close eye on it.

 

quote:
Originally posted by rosie19:
I'm so sorry this is happening to your son. At 8, I'd be inclined to get leaders, teachers, parents, etc. involved. I'm not a big fan of the "boys will be boys" explanation when it comes to hurtful actions. A little bit of teasing (what you described that happened in the past) is normal. What strikes me about this situation is that your son was picked on by a group and that it led to some physical pushing. He should definitely be safe at a scout meeting, there is no excuse for that going on as long as it did. And I'm not sure that "writing sentences" is an appropriate punishment. I'd want the boys to apologize for their actions. Maybe I'm old-school in my thinking but at 8 years old, kids should be held responsible for their actions. I'm not saying the kids should be tossed out of the group or anything like that, but I think they should have to acknowledge what they did was wrong.

I hope this gets cleared up asap!

Very well said. Additionally, IMO, those boys involved with the bullying should either be kicked out immediately, or at the very least, be given a warning that should a simimlar incident happen again, they will be removed from scouts.

I'm most appalled that the scouts leaders didn't see this happening. Perhaps they should be given a similar type warning from someone higher up. I would write a letter to the scouts leaders explaining your dismay that such a situation could occur under their supervision, and let them know that you will be taking it to the local scouts chapter to inform them that such an incident went on.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Good luck.

 

Why were the scout leaders just picking up they should of been over there makign sure he was okay. I would bring it up to them and then also to the scout master he should know what is going on!!!

 

My friend had a similar problem with her daughter being bullied (physically) by another girl at school. Waiting it out and talking to the teachers/parents got her nowhere and in retrospect, she said she wished she had documented everything from the beginning. Even if it doesn't escalate, you should inform the scout leader and the principal about the incident dated and in writing (and keep copies). That way, if it does become an issue, they can't ignore the situation or say they weren't aware. Do not--under any circumstances go to the parents of the boys involved. At least in my friend's case, this got her the worst results. The parents were defensive and actually told the school that she was harassing them and their daughter (the bully).

If I came upon the scene you are describing I would be devestated. My nephew went through something similar and it broke my heart. Boys WILL be boys, but incidents like this can continue and, obviously you don't want Jackson to be afraid or feel victimized. I would stay completely out of the situation on a personal level (don't approach the boys, or their parents), but make sure you follow up with the leader and the principal to ensure they know you are concerned and expect that it will not happen again. It is absolutely THEIR job to reassure you and ensure that this unacceptable kind of behaviour does not continue. So sorry this happened. Jackson is lucky to have you in his corner. (No pun intended)

 

No matter what happens I think I would get Jackson involved in how things go. Bullying hurts and can be so frightening because you have no control or choice, so make sure he gets it back and has some kind of voice in the next step.

That being said, I am not a scout Mom, so not sure exactly how this works, but I think the bullies should be eliminated from a fun group activity or 3 and made to explain to their parents why. Then as a troupe, they should take part in an anti-bullying activity that maybe Jackson (love that name BTW) and the other boys work on together for the whole troupe. Chances are you can find out about some of these in your area thru the internet or the school counselors.

Contacting the school will get you no where except to make them aware that the kids are mean, they can not take any responsibility over the behavior of kids in "other" activites. If its not a school activity, chances are the troupe needs to pay to use the facilities at all, thus eliminating any liability of the school.

Also, I HATE when writing is used as a punishment...why are we so surprised kids hate to write and do it so poorly.


to you Mom and to Jackson.

 

I was teased a lot as a kid, since I was easily bothered, it just made the girls tease me more...but like you said, girls and boys are diff in that area, and hopefull those kids will stop.

It amazes me that there are 2 leaders there and NO ONE saw what was happening...as it seems it was going on the duration of the evening. How do you miss a kid sitting behind a mat clearly crying??

ARGG, that would make me furious too..and I would def write the letter. Good for you for taking action. I had **** of a time in school. Nipping it in the bud now will certainly help him later.

to you and Jackson..

 

I would nip this in the bud for sure. I'd speak to parents, teachers and the leaders. Naming names is the only way to efffectively let the other parents know that their children behave this way. As PPs said "boy will be boys" is not the case here. That saying may be true for boys getting dirty and playing with frogs, but not when it comes to bullying.

By standing up for your son in all ways, you also show him that it is not okay and that he is important and nobody has the right to treat him like that. You won't stand for it.

There is also the small chance that these boys' parents do not know they act in this manner, and if so they need to correct it. Sadly there is also the case where they do know and let it go, but either way, someone can make it stop.

 

I agree with the PP that you shouldn't contact the principal. They boy scouts "rent out" the facility, and the school really can't do anything.

I would talk to the scout leader who was absent. Sometimes when secondary people are in charge, discipline isn't what it normally is, and things happen. He needs to talk to the group and do some anti-bullying exercises. I do agree with your DH in that once a few of the boys saw they could get to Jackson, they decided to push it--not saying that that is right, but it is typical of boy behavior.

Good luck!

 

The kids responsible for 'harassing' your son should be held accountable. It sounds like they need to learn a lesson in respecting other children, which should be important as they are boy scouts. Write a letter to the director, that should get someones attention. A boy scout meeting is not a place for this type of behavior, its another story if it happens in the lunch room. That is what I would do if this happened to my son.

 

I'm also sorry you are going through this. My 10 year old has been going through the same thing recently. Our school has a no-tolernece policy to bullying whether it is verbal or physical. I contacted the school immediatley and had it resolved. The bully and my child our now friends because we put a stop to it before it had a chance to get any worse.

 

I would be furious that the leaders were obviously not paying enough attention to be able to notice what was going on. I would for sure let the regular scout leader know what happened and who the offenders were. I think it is a wonderful idea to ask that he have them do some sort of activity on bullying to show the kids how much it can hurt. I HATE bullying and I am not one who will tolerate it. Poor Jackson.

 

quote:
I agree with the PP that you shouldn't contact the principal. They boy scouts "rent out" the facility, and the school really can't do anything.

I would talk to the scout leader who was absent. Sometimes when secondary people are in charge, discipline isn't what it normally is, and things happen. He needs to talk to the group and do some anti-bullying exercises. I do agree with your DH in that once a few of the boys saw they could get to Jackson, they decided to push it--not saying that that is right, but it is typical of boy behavior.


Sorry, Amy, that this happened to Jackson. It was definitely NOT handled well (actually it wasn't handled at all) by the "leaders" that were there that day. They obviously had no control over the meeting or they would have (should have!) stopped the harrassing immediately. I hope it gets straightened out soon and Jackson can enjoy going to scouting meetings in the future.

 

quote:
Originally posted by TLC Mama:
The kids responsible for 'harassing' your son should be held accountable. It sounds like they need to learn a lesson in respecting other children, which should be important as they are boy scouts. Write a letter to the director, that should get someones attention. A boy scout meeting is not a place for this type of behavior, its another story if it happens in the lunch room. That is what I would do if this happened to my son.


This was my first thought, that their behavior flys in the face of everything the Scouts stand for.

Definitely take it to the Scout leader that was absent. Its one thing to take a paper and crumple it, but removing the shoes and pushing the mat were acts of physical aggression. I would think the Boy Scout organization probably have a program or such already in place to address such issues.

 

Thanks, everybody!

Just to clarify, I think this all happened in a few minutes at the tail end of the meeting, when the kids start running around the gym and are gathering their things. That would explain how the leaders were talking to parents and didn't see what was going on. How they could then just let him sit there behind the mat and sob, though, is totally beyond me.

This isn't a typical troop, in that there's no parental involvement. It's an after-school program just for students, and the leaders are paid and come from our local Boy Scouts headquarters. They had one leader for several weeks, and then I've been seeing different leaders on and off. The director, however, remains the same.

The good news is that while he cried all the way home, Jackson got over it pretty quickly and didn't show any concern about going to school today. DH told Jackson those boys would probably be friends with him in a couple days and just to let us know if anything else happens, and I think that made him feel better.

I don't anticipate there being more trouble for Jackson if I identify the boys to the director. If the boys were older, I could see where they might want to retaliate for being told on, but since the majority were 1st graders, I'd imagine a good talking to by the director would likely just straighten it out. This is a highly rated gifted school with nice kids and strong parental involvement, so my tendency is to think it was a one-time thing that went too far. But of course I don't want to take it too lightly, either.

Thanks again for all your advice. It is very comforting to have such a great group of friends to confide in!

 

Sorry I'm so late at putting this in; But I am a Scout leader. I decided to be the big person in the room when no other parents (DADS) wouldn't do it. The classes I went to stated that there will be No Fighting with eachother at all. The boys are a team when they are together. They are to work together. I had the same thing happen. I let the parents know that I would not stand for it, and that I am not a daycare. I was only one person with 30 kids. All parents needed to be there and help all the boys.
Please tell the Scout Leader. Let him know your mind.

 

I wanted to post an update.

I mailed a letter two days after the scout meeting, for documentation. By 9:30 am the next day, I had messages on my machine from the executive director of the program and his right-hand man, apologizing for the incident and promising me in no uncertain terms that this will never happen again. When I called the director back, he said he is going to visit ALL the troops under his management to have discussions about treating others with respect. I have no doubt from talking to him that he's very serious and that I can trust he'll do what he said. He didn't try to make excuses, but instead took immediate responsibility and made a plan to remedy the situation. I feel a lot better now!

 

That's great Amy. It is nice to see individuals in a leadership role step up and use incidents like this as an opportunity to teach a valuable lesson. I'm glad it all worked out for you and for Jackson!