A Little Advice for A Single Mom?

Hello, mothers and fathers and sisters and brothers of twins! I'm a single mother of triplet boys, and I'm having a problem that I think is getting out of hand.

I've always believed in teenagers cognitivity, and don't like to butt in /too/ much, but I will when it's necessary. I feel like it's necessary right now.

I had my triplets when I was twenty-eight. The boys are fifteen now. Two of them, Max and Aidan, are identical, leaving the third, Cory, kind of the odd one out. My problem is just that: the two identical boys are extremely close. I even went as far as confiding in my friend, a mother of identical twin girls, and asking if Max and Aidan were /too/ close. They're teenagers, and they still have issues going an entire day without seeing one another. If one stays home sick from school, the other will skip out on any after-school clubs and just come home.

The fraternal triplet is who I'm worried about. My identical boys are brutal to him. He'll try to spend time with them, and they'll shoot him down as hard as they can. They act almost maliciously. They'll say terrible things about him, and I'm sure he hasn't done anything but try to be close to them as well. He's given them space, and they've only tried to push him even /further/ away. When he gives them ultimate space and doesn't talk to them or anything, they'll start a rumor about him at school.

We were checking out open houses the other day. We were looking at a three bedroom, and Aidan said, to quote him exactly, "Max and I can share the room upstairs, and Cory can have the room downstairs to keep him as far away from us as possible." completely seriously, not a brotherly joke.

I'm worried about them, and signed up real quick to ask for some advice. I don't know what happened and I don't know what to do.

 

Oh sweetie I'm so sorry this is happening in your house! I was a single mom, but definitely did not have to deal with the issue you are talking about. I'm sure you'll get some good insightful answers...TS members are good for that, but I just wanted to let you know I'll be praying for you, that you get the wisdom and insight you need to help the boys get along and love each other. Does Cory have any really close friends? Not that it's the same thing, I just hope there's someone for him to confide in besides you. I don't know if you are a praying mom, but that is where I would start.

Have you considered counseling for all three?

 

Do they have the same teachers? Has anyone else noticed this situation and commented to you?

Oh and how did you respond when Aidan said that about the room?

 

First, thank you so much!

Cory has friends, yeah. He has good friends and a girlfriend, he's much more socially developed than Aidan and Max, who I think would be completely dysfunctional without each other. He just worries all the time about his relationship with his brothers.

I feel like a completely neglectful mother, because I don't really know how to handle the situation. Cory gets so hurt but he seems to laugh situations off externally, so I don't usually say anything.

Cory and Aidan have most classes together, but I've gotten no comments from the teachers.

 

I only have 1 teenager, but feel for you

The only thing I would say is that here, that kind of meanness would not be tolerated.

My 13 yr old said something mean to his little sister this morning @ breakfast(not sure what she said, but he said "we do not like you") and I sent him away from the table, telling him that he knows it is not acceptable and that he could come back and eat when he could be decent. (he was back eating 10 mins later after apologizing to her).

I want my children to know that being kind is not optional and that they may not always get along with/agree with/want to be with/etc a sibling, but that they will be respectful & kind.


Good luck. It must be very hard.

 

QUOTE(MotherOfThree @ Feb 25 2009, 06:00 AM) [snapback]1204313[/snapback]
Cory gets so hurt but he seems to laugh situations off externally, so I don't usually say anything.


My guess is that it is probably more hurtful than he is letting on and I am sure he would love you to stand up for him(even if he won't admit it).

:hug:

 

QUOTE(Callen @ Feb 25 2009, 10:50 AM) [snapback]1204580[/snapback]
I only have 1 teenager, but feel for you

The only thing I would say is that here, that kind of meanness would not be tolerated.

My 13 yr old said something mean to his little sister this morning @ breakfast(not sure what she said, but he said "we do not like you") and I sent him away from the table, telling him that he knows it is not acceptable and that he could come back and eat when he could be decent. (he was back eating 10 mins later after apologizing to her).

I want my children to know that being kind is not optional and that they may not always get along with/agree with/want to be with/etc a sibling, but that they will be respectful & kind.
Good luck. It must be very hard.

Same here! My 13 year old has been really mean to his younger siblings and we do not tolerate it. He often wonders why they don't like him...hmm, I wonder. Anyways, he has had to go to bed without supper and lose other privileges. It is just not acceptable for him to treat them like that. We are in constant dialog with him about it. And he has even been seeing a counselor...mostly do to the rejection he feels from his biological father not wanting anything to do with him from the start. I have seen some improvement. Today he told my 6 year old that he liked her shirt. It's a start and I watched her face just light up.

I would not take anyone's side, but just start not allowing any unkindness to be in your home.

 

I have just read your situation.. and its very sad! Firstly, I am an Identical Twin so yes the closeness and bond is very strong between us. But that doesnt excuse them for acting that way. I think I may have an answer as to why your Identical Boys are treating their Fraternal Brother like this. Or maybe just an idea..
My first guess is that, they dont really care for him much because he is not "Identical".. rather "Fraternal" and they think that he will never be as special or have that same bond as they do "The Identical Boys: .. so they treat him differently.. and are mean about it and exlude him out. Thats not fair, everyone is equal.. no matter, their DNA, Colour, Race etc.
They should treat their brother as their Triplet, it doesnt matter what the reason is.
I feel sorry for Cory as I know what its like to be the odd one not (being viewed differently from the general public and even friends!.. not because of the Fraternal issue.. but because of some personal differences than my Identical Twin I have a (physical disabilty)

what do u think about this?
let me know your thoughts. i hope have given u some food for thought. if you need any more help... ill be quite happy to help.. expecially since i know how being the old one out feels.

 

:welcome: to TS!


I only have little ones, so no teenager insight here. But I do have the very start of some favortism from my older daughter to one of my twins. Just in the past few weeks she has started saying things like I love Hannah but not Natalie. Luckily I think it's over both twins heads at this time. I have let her know she absolutely is not to say anything mean or unkind to her sister(s). I told her it is okay to feel closer to Hannah but it is not okay to say to her sisters that she likes one better than the other, and that she never has to say to one that she loves them if she doesn't want to but that she may not tell someone she does not love them - there is just no reason to do that other than being mean.

I know it's not nearly the same, and I have no idea what to tell you about the underlying issues/feelings, but I do agree that not allowing mean comments is a good starting point. I also agree that is likely hurts your frat triplet much more than he lets on. Good Luck to you!!

QUOTE(Callen @ Feb 25 2009, 09:50 AM) [snapback]1204580[/snapback]
I only have 1 teenager, but feel for you

The only thing I would say is that here, that kind of meanness would not be tolerated.

My 13 yr old said something mean to his little sister this morning @ breakfast(not sure what she said, but he said "we do not like you") and I sent him away from the table, telling him that he knows it is not acceptable and that he could come back and eat when he could be decent. (he was back eating 10 mins later after apologizing to her).

I want my children to know that being kind is not optional and that they may not always get along with/agree with/want to be with/etc a sibling, but that they will be respectful & kind.


Good luck. It must be very hard.

I agree

 

QUOTE(MotherOfThree @ Feb 25 2009, 06:00 AM) [snapback]1204313[/snapback]
First, thank you so much!

Cory has friends, yeah. He has good friends and a girlfriend, he's much more socially developed than Aidan and Max, who I think would be completely dysfunctional without each other. He just worries all the time about his relationship with his brothers.

I feel like a completely neglectful mother, because I don't really know how to handle the situation. Cory gets so hurt but he seems to laugh situations off externally, so I don't usually say anything.

Cory and Aidan have most classes together, but I've gotten no comments from the teachers.

One point which leaps out at me is ... Since you say Cory is more advanced socially , are Max and Aiden feeling somehow inferior and lashing out on him due to this?
knowingly and/or unknowingly is Cory getting more attn from you because you feel he is getting wronged and is he getting more social attention outside may be from peers/teachers? .. these things especially the social attn is very important to teens

also how is the interaction when you are not there?? Try finding out from teachers/other adults you might be surprised at what you find...

I am sure it is hurtful to cory .. you will need to teach him to be "his own man" so to speak...and others are right Max & Aiden need to know that being Hurtful and/or mean will NOT be tolarated

 

I feel like it’s entirely my fault. I think most of it is, because when they were toddlers, Aidan and Max seemed to be more interested in each other than anything else, while Cory wanted to go on walks with me, help me in the kitchen, etc. etc. I kind of raised them like "Cory and Max-‘nd-Aidan". I think that’s what’s started the segregation, but I don’t know why Max and Aidan would be so mean.

I have also almost excluded Cory as a triplet. When they were around nine years old, I remember this one particular incident when Cory was helping me make dinner, and I said to him, "Core, will you go get the twins?" or something like that, and he gave me this look. I then said, "You know, your brothers." and he slowly went upstairs to get them. I don't know why that stands out in my mind, I must have done a thousand other things to make them feel like the identical boys are twins while their fraternal brother is "just" their fraternal brother.

I have made so many mistakes with them, and I feel so neglectful. I was kind of absent in teaching them anything more than basic morals.

I might give their teachers a call and ask what they think. In past parent-teacher conferences, nothing has been mentioned about their relationship with each other, my guess would be that they don't converse too much. Max and Aidan always come home earlier than Cory does, so I know they aren't together after school.

 

I have no advice really .. just wanted to let you know that your situation isnt completely unique. I have a distant cousin who had triplet girls .. 2 were ID and the one frat .. and they are doing the same thing. The "twins" are very close and choose to play together and isolate the "frat". After reading your post I'm betting this isnt uncommon.
The girls are a few years younger than your boys but will be teens in a few years ... I wish I were closer to them so i could ask her for advice .. or at least see how she handles the problem !
I just wish you luck and I hope you can get some good advice.

 

QUOTE(MotherOfThree @ Feb 27 2009, 12:46 AM) [snapback]1207219[/snapback]
I feel like it’s entirely my fault. I think most of it is, because when they were toddlers, Aidan and Max seemed to be more interested in each other than anything else, while Cory wanted to go on walks with me, help me in the kitchen, etc. etc. I kind of raised them like "Cory and Max-‘nd-Aidan". I think that’s what’s started the segregation, but I don’t know why Max and Aidan would be so mean.

I have also almost excluded Cory as a triplet. When they were around nine years old, I remember this one particular incident when Cory was helping me make dinner, and I said to him, "Core, will you go get the twins?" or something like that, and he gave me this look. I then said, "You know, your brothers." and he slowly went upstairs to get them. I don't know why that stands out in my mind, I must have done a thousand other things to make them feel like the identical boys are twins while their fraternal brother is "just" their fraternal brother.

I have made so many mistakes with them, and I feel so neglectful. I was kind of absent in teaching them anything more than basic morals.

I might give their teachers a call and ask what they think. In past parent-teacher conferences, nothing has been mentioned about their relationship with each other, my guess would be that they don't converse too much. Max and Aidan always come home earlier than Cory does, so I know they aren't together after school.

Pls dont blame yourself!!!
you are a human.... even if you have made a mistake , which I doubt what matters is how you all work toghether to correct the issue...

 

My mum helped me decide that our family needs counciling. We had a conversation -- hmm, about two hours ago -- and we definitely need it.

Now, obviously I'm going to primarily address the issues with Cody's relationship with Max and Aidan, but I have yet another inquiry. Would it be wrong for me to ask the therapist to help me... begin to separate Max and Aidan? They have a borderline obsessive relationship with each other, and it might be contributing to their problems with Cody.

I'm also going to try and work with a therapist to figure out how I can be more involved.

 

I'm curious - are you guys here in the United States or do you live elsewhere?

Your initial post said you're more concerned about Cody. Why is that the case? Aside from being excluded from some activities with his brothers, is there another reason for this concern? You did mention later he seems better socially adjusted than his brothers. I'd also like to hear more about the individual personalities of Max and Aidan.

 

Yes, I am living in California.

Well, I think that I'm worried about Cody because he really does try to have a relationship with his brothers, has bouts of helplessness and then tries again. They also hurt his feelings more than I'd like them too. Usually, when he gets home, he goes straight to his room to avoid the nasty looks his brothers will give him if he's sitting on the couch in the living room. I've told him he can come out and to ignore them, but he usually just decides to stay in his bedroom.

Max and Aidan are actually really different when it comes to their personalities. Max won't talk very much, Aidan will go on for hours. I think Max likes to look like he's almost threatening even though he's really a sweet kid, and usually Aidan comes off as bit more friendly and approachable. Aidan's also a lot more sensitive to the point of just a bit whiny, and I think the house would have to burn down for Max to worry about anything aside from them.

They are less social because they are extremely social with each other and probably have it in their heads that they don't need anyone else.

 

Even though I didn't have any advice, I was just checking in to see if there have been any improvements to the situation.