A quarter inch fuse and dynamite emotions

One of our girls, Maia, is more 'spirited' than her sister. She's a sweet, caring child IF everything is perfect. But if she's even a tiny bit hungry, tired, overwhelmed, misunderstood etc, she heads straight to screaming and crying.

For example, this morning we cuddled for about 15 minutes after she woke, then DH read to her and Tal, then she had a tantrum because she wanted to open the door for the cat alone without Tal's help. That went on for about 15 minutes. Then later she asked for her hairband and, when I said I'd have to look for it, immediately threw herself on the floor crying and whining 'hairband' over and over. I said I wouldn't look for it until she calmed herself, but she just couldn't. In the end DH had to pick her up. A few minutes later she was off again about clothes for teddy. She didn't want what DH offered and threw it away. So Tal took it. So then she did want it ... and on and on and on. This all happened before 8 am when we left for the childminders. We had something very similar for the hour before bed last night.

In addition, she takes her bad mood out on Tal - pinching her or pulling her hair. And she's a nightmare when we have a playdate - if even a tiny baby wants to play with a toy of hers, she gets really upset.

I made a nice spot in the living room as a calm-down space. We tried putting her there to cry. But she wouldn't stay and I didn't like to physically force her. We try time-out but ditto on the not staying. I try saying that she has to calm herself and ask me in words what she wants - but she almost never gets to that bit. I try cuddling her to calm her. I try leaving her to cry by herself until she calms. I've even tried (although not purposefully) losing my temper with her. Nothing really seems to be working.

I feel so sad for her that she spends so much time crying. And I worry about her poor social skills, she'll be starting nursery soon. And I'm sad for Tal who's a little sweetie, but doesn't get the attention she deserves while all this is going on. But we're at our wits end. I'm not sure at which point to turn to professional help, I'm not sure if she's basically fine and just a bit extreme or whether she needs help (I'm a psychologist but I don't work with children). She's really a 'good' child, who wants to be good, to help etc (unlike her naughty sister). It doesn't feel like she's testing boundaries, she just seems to have a quarter inch fuse and dynamite emotions.

Does this sound like a normal 3-year old? Did you ever find anything that helps? At what point does one go for an assessment? Do they grow out of it?

 

That sounds a lot like the behaviors we were having from Jon at 3--minus the constant crying. It turned out he had a severe expressive speech delay. He had words, could talk, but the more upset he was, the more he was unable to find the words to tell us what he needed. I don't know that much about special education in Israel, but could you get her a speech evaluation? Best case, there is no problem, and worst case, she does have a delay and you can get her therapy. I can tell you that for us, 5 days a week of preschool combined with therapy was wonderful fo him! By the time he went to Kindergarten at age 5, he was dismissed from all special needs programs. I do still see the delay when he is extremely over tired, but other than that, we don't have any problems.

 

A lot of that is normal 3 yr. old stuff! Sharing is hard and not being able to do exactly what you want, when you want it. :hug:

As for the calm down spot. It's not going to just happen. You do have to keep physically putting them back. Time out spot as well. They eventually get what they are supposed to do.

I just posted in two other threads about the same type thing. I think I'll go cut and paste....

 

This is fairly normal 3yo behavior (and my DD Amy had her worst spell of it at just that time -- about 3y2m), but it's a question of degree. Have you had a few days like this but also some good days? Or, has she been like this constantly for a week, but before that, it was better? If so, then I wouldn't worry just yet. But if it's been weeks or months of this behavior with very little break, then I would try to get her an evaluation.

As far as what helps (at least for Amy) -- she also seems unable to calm herself down. I think it's sort of unrealistic to expect this of a 3yo, although some of them can do it. But she also won't accept cuddling or interaction from us when she is really, really mad. So we settled on sort of a compromise -- if she is going to scream, throw things, bite people, etc., she needs to stay in her room until she gets past that. (And she doesn't like that one bit -- but we do keep just putting her back in there.) As soon as she's willing to let me stay with her and cuddle her (even if she's still screaming), I do that, and eventually she calms down.

One thing I've found helpful is to remember that she has a right to feel her emotions. My job is to help her get through them without hurting anyone or breaking anything, but not to tell her not to feel them. It can also help to reflect her feelings back to her -- "Yes, you're really mad because it was Sarah's turn to use that truck" -- but don't slide into trying to get her to agree with you ("But it was Sarah's turn! You had your turn and now it was Sarah's.") That kind of reasoning will go down much better when she is calmer, and then you can practice taking turns or whatever the issue was.

One other question -- is she like this at the babysitter's too? If not, then it's more likely to be normal 3yo stuff that she's taking out on you because she feels most safe with you. If she does have these problems at the babysitter's, then IMO it's more likely to be something that needs intervention.

Good luck! I had days at that age when I really just wanted to run away. But it's been better (not permanently I'm sure, but at least we're getting a breather) for the past few months. Hang in there!

 

Thank you guys, those are some really good ideas.

I'm glad it got sorted out for your son. I hadn't contemplated that she wasn't saying what she wanted because she might not be able to. She does seem to lose the ability to express herself when she's stressed. I work with some speech therapists, I'll ask them what to keep an eye out for.

Don't worry, I'll go hunting the other threads, as I need to learn how to teach the girls to stay in time out.

If she's tired then it's always like this. But at other times she's a sweetheart (although an oversensitive one with a short fuse).

Good question. Just this evening the childminder said that within a minute of my leaving she's calm and although she does have more mini-meltdowns than the other kids, she quickly snaps out of it. And at gymboree tonight - where she usually has a couple of loud tantrums each time - all the staff told me how calm she'd been last week when DH brought her. So it seems to be me!

Thank you so much for your great suggestions. We'll try to hang in there.

 

:hug: Please don't beat your self up about this either! Lauren is the exact same way and 9 out of 10 times, it is when I am around. She knows she can push my buttons and she does. My bet is Maia knows she can do this to you. It's hard, I know. :hug:

 

My Lily is like that much of the time lately. Same thing, short fuse, SO FRUSTRATED - this leads to the kicking and screaming and hitting and pinching, etc... She gets totally out of control over the smallest thing. The worst time is when she just wakes up from her nap. I find myself praying for her to be in a good mood when I am walking up to get her!
Anyway, I am beginning to think it is normal behavior. For me, the hard part is not comparing Lily to her good natured, kind, gentle, sharing, easy brother. I think in our case it make Lily seem more out of control because Jack is so calm. Actually, Jack will watch and then if she pinches me or hits me he will calmly walk over, kiss me gently wherever Lily hurt me, and then walk away - too cute!

Also, Lily never acts this way with sitters or at other people's houses, etc... Only for lucky mommy!

Not trying to take over your post, just saying we are in the same boat and it seems like you are doing the right thing. I just make sure my Lily is in a safe place (i.e. on the carpet, etc) and let her kick and scream until she is done. Every couple of minutes I will ask her if she is ready for hug and then eventually, she is and it is over.

 

My little Delilah is a lot like this and I find that when she is acting out like this more often than not it is time for her to have some alone time with mom or dad.
If your kids are together ALL THE TIME and she is also with other kids a lot (at a babysitters) then it is possible she is just burned out from not having her own space.

We try (once a week) to each take one and spend time with just her. I will take D for a few hours and DH will take A then the next week I get A and he gets D. It is great for us to be alone with just one and it is really great for them to get the one on one time.

Try it, it has done wonders for our LO.

 

I used to try to reassure myself that at least she feels able to express herself around me, but I'm coming to feel that, as you said, it's because she can push my buttons that way. I just wish I knew which of my reactions is driving this.

We had that really badly at the age your Lily is. They both would just wake and cry and scream and be grumpy for 1/2 hour. We used to just have to sit and hold them for ages until they calmed. Now they're much better, they seem to have grown out of it some - although I try to keep things very very calm when they wake.

Don't worry, it was your post that prompted mine in the first place (and I just cut/paste a whole bunch of your responses for DH to read). Maia can scream for ages and then she'll start to cry sadly and then I know it's time to go and hug her. I just feel so bad leaving her to scream and cry.

 

Just wanted to second the one-on-one time. I don't know if there's a direct connection between that and keeping her temper, but it seems to help Amy be on a more even keel generally. Also, it can provide some more positive interactions (since things are usually easier with only one child) that can help recharge you for the more difficult times.

If you switch off the one-on-one time, then you'll also wind up getting more time with your "easy" twin, which is good for both of you too.

Another thing you might try is letting her help you with things as much as possible. This is a double-edged sword, because I find that after I let them help me with a task once, they expect to help me every.single.time -- but it does also make them feel competent and grown-up, which can improve their behavior overall.

 

I had some issues like this with Bea. She would get mad, and sometimes I didn't know why, she would also seemingly lose the ability to express herself, although she doesn't have any speech issues. I had a talk with her, (and this improved things dramatically), and told her that when she is upset, she can go to her room and stay there until she is calm. We do not like to be around her when she is screaming, crying, spitting (yeah, she spits when mad, nice), and hitting. I gave her some ways to calm herself down, like hug a blanket, or a doll. I think she just didn't know what to do with herself when she is mad. I second letting her know that it's OK to feel mad/frustrated/upset.

 

They save their best and their worst for you because they LOVE YOU SO MUCH and they KNOW inherently that you will love them no matter what. It's something in our make up as humans that we save the worst for the one's we love the best!! :hug:

 

OK so 123 Magic is now my bedtime reading. And we're trying to work out how to incorporate more one on one time - something we keep meaning to do and having done almost all year. And I'm planning to have a talk to Maia about alternative behaviours.

Basically, thank you all so much for your really helpful suggestions.