AHHH! Difficult situation with bullying....Losing my mind!

Discussion in 'The Toddler Years(1-3)' started by two.heartbeats, Jul 19, 2009.

  1. two.heartbeats

    two.heartbeats Well-Known Member

    My brother is getting married to a wonderful woman whom I went to school with. However, she has a child which is just completely and utterly out of control. That, I do not mind since I know she has ADHD and I know it's hard. But she agonizes and physically hurts my little girl every time she is here. And mommy does nothing to stop her or reprimand her in the least bit. I've just about had it today. She was here for only two hours. She really hurt Leah today numerous times. (Leah cries every time she comes over, the minute she sees her, it is no wonder...She is terrified of her!) She goes after Leah because she know she'll get a reaction (crying)...She pushed her so hard that she fell into the curb...Half her face was covered in blood. She pushed her into the coffee table, steals her lovey on purpose and hides it, steals any and all toys she has in her possession to make her cry, throws toys at her head, runs into her on purpose until she falls, the list goes on and on She does not pick on DS, Evan - which is Leah's twin because Evan could care less. Leah always cries and screams. Today, that was the last straw with me - Her mom (my brother's fiance) never says anything to correct the situation...She just sits there. So I started taking the toys back and telling her not to steal from Leah anymore and that it hurts her feelings. I told her to stop pushing her, etc. etc. I had to say something because Leah is getting bullied the entire time she is here (in her own house) and I have to protect her if no one else will. I know my brother and her were starting to see me get angry today, so they left. On the way out, the girl was kicking and screaming and of course, to get her anger out, took it out on Leah and HAD to come over and steal her lovey one more time and push her. No one said anything even then...I did. She took off down the street screaming with my brother chasing after her. My mom just shut the door and let them deal with it....My mom had had it too at that point. It took 20 minutes to corner her and get her in the car. We were watching the whole fiasco all over the street.

    I HATE it when they bring her here. I know she has problems, but how can her mother let this go on and SAY NOTHING? I mean, she literally says nothing at all. Even when Leah hit her head on the curb. She is a nice woman besides that, very decent and kind. I think she doesn't know how to handle her child maybe...I don't know. I know she is in special ed for this issue and that she has gotten into trouble many times with classmates with the constant bullying....She switched preschools 4 times and is starting Kindergarten one year late this fall...But that's really besides my point...

    How am I going to handle future get-togethers? I just dread this all. I tried isolating Leah and playing in another room, but the bully follows...She just doesn't let up!

    Any advice?
  2. suzrod

    suzrod Well-Known Member

    Wow, what a tough situation. I think you were completely in the right to correct the girl since the mother wasn't doing anything. I think you need to sit down with your brother and his fiancee and let them know this type of behavior will not be tolerated any more. It's unfortunate that the girl has problems and I'm sure your brother's fiancee is worn out but it's not okay for her to bully your daughter. I hope this helps!
  3. kingeomer

    kingeomer Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    Oh, this is a tough situation. You were totally in the right standing up for your DD. I am so sorry that your DD is being treated like that :hug: It would break my heart to see someone treat my children that way. I agree with the PP, to have a sit down with your brother and his fiancee about her DD's bullying behavior. I would imagine that perhaps her Mom might be frustrated and feeling helpless with her daughter's behavior. :hug:
  4. jjzollman

    jjzollman Well-Known Member

    Wow, how awful for you and your DD!! I am sure that her mom is feeling very overwhelmed by her behavior, but that is not an excuse for allowing her DD to be cruel to your DD. If her mom is not going to step in and do something, you'll need to set rules for when she is at your house. Maybe start with telling your brother's fiance that your DD is very scared of her DD and you would like to help them smooth out their relationship since they will soon be cousins. Then start placing limits on where her DD can go/what she can do while she is at your house until she is more trustworthy around your DD. Maybe her DD is only allowed in rooms where the adults are - no wandering around the house by herself, no playing with the "babies" toys, etc. Maybe you could have a tub of toys just for her when she visits your house - and that would serve as a good distraction to her. You could fill it with age-appropriate toys that she is interested in (coloring books and crayons, card games, stickers, whatever) and when she arrives you could make it part of a routine that she gets to go sit at the table and dig into her box of goodies. It sounds like safety is a big concern here - and that is a risk that just isn't worth taking, even if someone's feelings get hurt. I'm sorry you are in such a difficult position. :hug:
  5. twinboys07

    twinboys07 Well-Known Member

    :hug: We have friends whose son is unapologetically rough-and-tumble, while our boys are very respectful of and sweet to others (to each other is another story sometimes... lol). The parents see it as him just being brilliantly "all boy" - we think he is a meanie bully who has free reign over everything! His parents rarely step in, and when they do (very rarely) their disciplinary style is highly ineffective. A few weekends ago, Jacob got beaten up and knocked down several times by this boy, while DP and I tried to figure out how to intervene on our child's behalf while still being respectful of the parents. I understand just how awkward it is when you really like the parent but their kid's behavior is dangerous to your own child, and the parent (who you otherwise like!) does nothing to make things fair to your child. Maybe you could just talk to the future SIL and tell her that you noticed her DD seems bored while at your home and that you'd love to have something she enjoys for her to play with when she visits your home. Yeah, it stinks to spend money on something that someone else's kid will primarily use, but if it's something small that will occupy her and keep her away from your daughter, that might be worth it! Otherwise, I do think it is good to step in and lay ground rules. She may be testing you or the situation, and if you say things like "In our house, we don't do that..." and then praise her if you can catch her doing something appropriate, it might start to work for her. Good luck! :hug:
  6. BRMommy

    BRMommy Well-Known Member

    Gosh, that is really tough. But your first priority should be protecting your DD, especially after being physically hurt by this girl. I know it's probably very difficult and awkward, but I think you should stop having family get-togethers with your brother's family until your DD is older and is better able to protect herself, or until this girl's parents can get her appropriate help with her behavior. That's sounds extreme, and it requires the utmost diplomacy to explain to your brother, but over the long run, I think it'll create the least amount of bad-feelings all around.

    I just don't think it's a good idea for you to try to police this girl everytime you have a get-together. First of all, she has a medical condition. If you are not trained to deal with children with ADHD, I don't know if you can really set up rules or keep watch on her appropriately. (I don't know much about ADHD, but isn't it actually a bio-chemical condition that the child herself can not control? So I don't know how much you can really expect her to obey your rules if her medical condition prevents her from doing so.) Secondly, even if you can keep watch on her to prevent her behavior, every get-together would leave you exhausted, frustrated, and angry at the girl and her parents for not doing something more. And maybe this is just my personal pet peeve, but I really do not like it when other adults tell my kids how to behave themselves or tell me how to parent my kids. I think talking to your brother/sister-in-law about how they should control her behavior, or trying to discipline the girl yourself will both create bad feelings among you.

    Maybe you and your brother's fiance can have adults only get-togethers so she doesn't feel excluded from the family. It'll also be a nice break for her to be able to go out on her own without her child.
  7. Leighann

    Leighann Well-Known Member

    :woah: That was the look on my face while reading your post. First :hug: to you and Leah.

    You need to sit down and talk with your brother and your FSIL. Her child might have ADHD, but that does not mean she can just beat up on your kid. If they were my relatives and not willing to discipline and give their child boundaries they would have two choices: 1) don't come over or 2) let me discipline (my house=my rules).

    The other thing to keep in mind is no one is doing that poor child any favors by allowing her to behave this way. She needs to understand what is and is not appropriate behavior around other kids. How old is she? Is she a lot bigger than your kids? Is she in preschool? I feel really sad for her because unless her mom tells her, how is she going to learn that its not nice to beat up on little kids.

  8. rrodman

    rrodman Well-Known Member

    I would try to talk to your brother and the child's mother, but if it doesn't resolve, I would just not have her over and refuse to be at get togethers where the child will be - at least until everyone is older.
  9. Maymay

    Maymay Well-Known Member

    Wow - I mean... really wow. So sorry you're having to deal with that.
    I guess if it were me, I would talk to your brother (since he's your relative and MAYBE he could act as a buffer for the communication).
    The only other thing that comes to mind is the way that Super Nanny (or Nanny 911, not sure) makes a written list of rules for kids and then lists what the consequences will be. For example, We don't hit, We share our toys, We talk nicely to one another. Then at the bottom it says, Break the Rules Once - Time Out, Break the Rules Twice - Go Home.
    I'm not sure what else you could do other than avoiding her altogether!
    Good luck, I really hope you can find a way to deal with all this!
  10. heathertwins

    heathertwins Well-Known Member

    I agree that your first priority is to your child. Even family... it maybe necessary that someone's feelings might get hurt but your child is protected. I've been to playgroups were there is a child who has been aggressive and I am no longer quiet. One time I yelled "Hey no pushing" to get some attention since the mother was sitting on the couch. Other statements might be "so-and-so can't push Leah" "Leah is scared of so-and-so because she is aggressive with her" As a mom I think we need to find our voice and stick up for our kids. I know many times I wish my mom would have stuck up for us a bit more instead of trying to be too nice to everyone. Good luck I hope you can work it out.

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