(almost) 7 year old afraid of being alone at bedtime...advice?

Discussion in 'Childhood and Beyond (4+)' started by jjzollman, May 31, 2011.

  1. jjzollman

    jjzollman Well-Known Member

    My oldest (not a twin!) will be 7 in July. Since last June he has been afraid - and I do mean afraid, like sobbing, panicked, terror - when my DH or I say we are going to put him to bed and go downstairs. He was going through so many other anxiety-type things last summer (scared to be alone anywhere in the house, scared of showering if someone wasn't right in the bathroom with him, never wanted to lose sight of one of us, and then he choked on a strawberry and was afraid to eat and survived on yogurt and chocolate milk for 3 months while we pursued Occupational Therapy for feeding/eating and Play Therapy. So, all other issues are resolved except for this one.
    We didn't have the energy to address it before, we were much more concerned about the other issues - mainly the eating one! But here it is, 1 year later, and we'd like to have our evenings back. My youngest two go to bed fine, then I head into his room and sometimes will lay in there up to an hour while he falls asleep. If it would just take him 5 or 10 minutes to fall asleep, I probably wouldn't even care - but at least a few times a week, it takes him 30+ minutes (especially on days he's slept in) - and my DH and I end up barely getting a chance to say a few words to each other before we are headed to bed, too.

    Anyone experience anything like this before with an older child? It is so common in younger kids, but I'm not sure how to approach it with him.

    Thanks!! :)
     
  2. momotwinsmom

    momotwinsmom Well-Known Member

    Night lights, white noise machine, music? I really don't have a lot for you. I'm a tough love type of person, and after reassuring the child, walk out and turn the light off. It usually stops pretty quickly when they realize their crying will either make me shut their door or take away privileges the next day. Good luck, I know it can be so hard!
     
  3. TwinxesMom

    TwinxesMom Well-Known Member

    Jessy is like psychotically afraid of the dark. She would cry so much shed puke before falling a sleep. She's very anxious (cried for a month when starting pre k). I too would like to have my evenings back. She won't sleep with her twin either
     
  4. Minette

    Minette Well-Known Member

    Given his history, I would think his therapist would be the best person to ask. If I had to suggest something, I'd say probably some variety of gradual acclimation, like they use to treat phobias (staying in the room, then moving to the doorway, then to the hall with the door open, etc.). But this seems more serious than a "usual" parenting issue.

    Poor guy and poor you -- it sounds very tough all around. :hug:
     
    1 person likes this.
  5. Twin nanny

    Twin nanny Well-Known Member

    Is there any way you could put him in with his brothers for a while and see if that helps? Even if he just had a camp/foldaway bed that you put away during the day.
    I was a very anxious child (not as bad as your son but more than 'normal' separation anxiety/worries) and it helped a lot to be sharing a room with one of my sisters, if I was scared I could look over at my sister sleeping and it made me feel safer. Even though I knew my parents were in the house having another person actually in the room was somehow far more reassuring than that knowledge. It was still a big comfort for me until I was about 11 or 12 (I didn't get my own room until I was 13 and even then it slightly freaked me out).

    If that doesn't work or just isn't possible maybe you could try setting up a baby monitor so that he has the parent unit and you carry the baby unit. That way he would be able to hear you and your husband walking around and talking (obviously you would have to be careful what you talk about!), that might be close enough to you being in the room for him to be comforted.

    ETA: I think gradual withdrawal is a great idea too, I didn't think of that.

    Good luck, I hope you can find something that works.
     
    1 person likes this.
  6. JandCsMom

    JandCsMom Well-Known Member

    I agree with the gradual acclimation suggestion. We did this with Conner when he was two. I would put him to bed and sit by him for a few minutes. Then I'd tell him I'd be back in two minutes. Check back in two minutes, tell him I'd be back in five minutes, etc. I did this each night until he fell asleep (on his own when I was out of the room). Each night, extend the length of time for the first time you're out of the room. A gradual process and not too traumatic, but make sure to come back in the room when you say you are going to....
     
  7. jjzollman

    jjzollman Well-Known Member

    I just realized I never got back to this thread! I'm not used to posting in the 5-11 year old forum! ;)

    Thanks for the advice everyone. I've talked to this therapist in the past and she has suggested the gradual acclimation and also giving him a shirt or something of mine to hold onto. I'm gearing up to start it now that we are back from our vacation and we have about 7 weeks until school starts back up.
     
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