Appropriate punishment... (NTR)

Discussion in 'General' started by anicosia, Oct 21, 2008.

  1. anicosia

    anicosia Well-Known Member

    I have a 12 year old singleton dd that is in 7th grade. She is in Honors English and Honors Science. She is very intelligent but forgetful, lazy, etc... Progress reports are coming home today, but I already know what's on them. The school has this lovely tool where I can log in to see her grades whenever I want. She missed a week of school at the beginning of the month for surgery. Her math teacher didn't send any assignments home even though I did the "pre-arranged absence form." She has 11 missing assignments in math. I got into her last night about it and went through her binder to find three missing work sheets that she swore she had done. They weren't done so I made her do them last night and checked them. She goes to school this morning and guess what is still sitting on the dining room table? I'm at a loss. She is rarely on the phone or computer. I've taken her gameboy. What's left? She has a C+ in Honors Science despite missing a huge chunk of material that she couldn't do at home and being forced to take the mid term which covered the stuff she missed. She has a B in Honors English and that's with two zeros. She has a B+ in history with two missing assignments. What's the deal? How do I get her to wake up and get this crap done without going crazy? I'm all about personal accountability, even now, so I'm struggling with how to get her do this. She hates math. I get that. I don't exactly like it myself, but if I pulled this crap, my mother would literally have beaten me and well, that's just not an option.
     
  2. rubyturquoise

    rubyturquoise Well-Known Member

    I think all 12 yos are like this to some degree. It's almost like you have to check their backpacks to be sure they have their work, and even then they sometimes leave it in their locker or otherwise forget to hand it in. Both my boys were like this.

    DS1 decided to spend some time with his father when he was 12.5, so I can only comment that now that he is back home, he prefers to do his homework in the room where I am. It gives him more motivation. He has also started to see the connection between now and the rest of his life. He'll be 17 in December.

    DS2, if anything, was worse. I more or less had to recognize that middle school is not really that important (scholarships not determined by these grades, etc). What finally worked with him was telling him that if he gets As, he can set his own computer time, but with each decrease in grades, there will be more strictures on his computer time. Since that IS his social life (boys are like that at this age), he is highly motivated to keep his grades up. It took a pretty drastic threat and a couple of years of maturation to get there, though. He is 14 now. If I could just get him inspired about a tidy room.... :rolleyes:

    So it seems like you have to either find a consequence that really matters to her, or you have to let her suffer the natural consquences of not doing her homework/turning it in (isn't it almost worse when they do it but don't turn it in?!) with low grades. The other choice is to shadow her, and I don't really favor that too much because it only allows them to keep being irresponsible.

    Good luck!
     
  3. anicosia

    anicosia Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the response. She's getting much more difficult as she gets older which I was prepared for, but not with everything. I expected some fit throwing and tears. Not homework regression. She wants so much to do well and it's getting so hard for her. I don't want to hover or take ownership of her problems but it's hard to watch her slip when she worked so hard to get where she is. I'm going to ride a her a little on the homework to help her get caught back up from her absence but I'm going to let the rest go. It's really hard to watch her do the work and do something silly like leave it at home, but I am not the type that will take it to her. She has to learn at some point to keep her stuff together... What I wouldn't give for her to have the benefit of what I've had to learn through the years.
    In the mean time, she is grounded from the phone and visiting her friends until the end of the trimester which is just about a month. She should have ample time to get those grades up back to at least a B. She failed math on her mid term due to the missing assignments. Once they are turned in, she should be back up to a decent grade. She's also having to live with the embarassment of mom emailing or calling her teachers to make sure she is doing what she claims to be doing.
     
  4. Laura in Alaska

    Laura in Alaska Well-Known Member

    I think grade slipping and homework regression are super common in middle school. Even my overachieving, A+, honors student DD1 let things slip in 7th and 8th grade. There are so many changes at that age that they kinda have to work their own way through it. I didn't punish them for slipping grades. Partly because their dad/my XH over-did the anger and humiliation for even an A- that I'd figured my kids had had enough. I always just told them that I knew they were capable of so much more and that I trusted them to get it together.

    My kids knew that the only thing I would get upset about was missing assignments. If you turned in all the homework and still got a low grade, then at least you know you did your best. But if you have a handful of missing assignments and still manage to squeak by with a B, I'm not going to be happy about that B. So, if they had missing assignments on their progress reports, I would make them take a drag sheet to school with them for 2 or 3 weeks. On the sheet was a space for the date and a table of their schedule. They would write down any missing assignments and when they needed to be in, plus anything that was assigned that day. I also made them write a sentence or two about what they covered in class and they had to have their teachers sign it everyday. No drag sheet that day? No computer or phone that night. They loathed the drag sheets and eventually found some tools of their own for making sure their homework was done.
     
  5. anicosia

    anicosia Well-Known Member

    It was the missing assignments that were killing me. They keep a school issued planner for their work and most of the time she's on top of it. I was so ticked since I made sure she had time to get her work done and reminded her more times than could be counted. I hate being lied to. When I asked if it was done, she swore up and down that she did.
    On the upside, she's down to missing three assignments in math now instead of eleven and that may just be a lag in grading since her teacher had a substitute several times last week. She aced this weeks quiz so she'll be ungrounded after school tomorrow.
     
  6. Code

    Code Well-Known Member

    Maybe you could get someone whos in there final year of highschool to talk to her and get her to understand that a good work habbit now will give her the best chances, missing work and assignments will only disadvantage her in the long run. I wish i had someone to tell me that it would be so much harder, i used to HATE doing my work but i realised that if i get the best grade that i can ill be able to do what i want when i finish school.

    If you want ill email her and have a chat :)

    "What effects does being a twin have on the individual? Everyone talks about how close and connected twins are, is this always true? Does it affect identity?"
    could anyone answer that question for me please. its for my major work for Society + culture, Im a 17 year old twin and the assessments called PIP Personal interest project. so I decided what a good topic to do how twins are compared because for 17 years iv been compared to my sister.
    Thanks :)
     
  7. Christel

    Christel Well-Known Member

    My teen never did this, but my 10 is having this exact issue and I am about to kill him. It would be better if I did better at keeping on him about it, but afternoons are so hectic that I often forget to remind him to do his homework. And honestly, it seems that by age 10 he should be able to be responsible for it himself.

    I am thankful for the suggestions also!
     
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