Best Friends who aren't

Hi - I'm a new member here with six year old fraternal twin girls, "J" and "K".  My question is about what to do with a complicated relationship my girls have with their "best friend", let's call her "Amanda"  We've been friends with Amanda's family since well before the girls were born.  Amanda was born one month before my girls so they've known each other since they were teeny tiny babies - they used to call each other triplets.  
 
My problem is that the three kids fight constantly when they're together.  My feeling is that the dynamic is just pretty dysfunctional and possibly beyond repair.  I think a lot of it has to do with the way Amanda acts though I do not to blame it entirely on Amanda. My kids definitely are not perfect either.  The major problem for me is that Amanda is constantly trying to pit one twin against the other.  When they play together, one of my kids is always coming to me crying saying "J & Amanda are excluding me" or "K & Amanda are excluding me".  I think that Amanda is probably jealous of the close, twin relationship that J & K have and so is sub-consciously (or consciously?) trying to split them up. I've tried talking to my girls about this - telling them that it is unacceptable to exclude anyone from playing - especially their twin sister.  This didn't really help - I think my girls want desperately to play with Amanda so are just happy when they're not the one being excluded.  I've also tried (nicely and calmly) talking to Amanda's mom but she got very defensive and it wasn't very productive.   The last straw for me was at the girls' birthday party when Amanda told a few other girls to exclude J and to move away from her when she tried to sit next to them.  I was so frustrated and sad that Amanda did this to J at her own birthday party.  J was very sad as well and said she had a terrible time at her party because of this.  (Unfortunately, I didn't see this happen because I was busy with the party so couldn't intervene to try to resolve this).  
 
So, basically, I'm feeling kind of done with the whole thing at the moment.  I don't really want to see the family anymore and definitely don't want to hang out with Amanda.  I also feel like Amanda's family probably feels the same way - and probably has their own interpretation of why the relationship is so fraught.  So, we have stopped hanging out and only see each other at community events.  Amanda's mom even moved Amanda out of the after-school program where my kids go (I was honestly relieved at this because when Amanda was there my girls would come home wrecked and miserable).  The big problem is that my girls miss Amanda and are always asking why they don't see her anymore.  I've told them that I still love Amanda and her family but it's too hard for me to hang around them because of the constant fighting.  They do kind of get that but also miss their "best friend".    They have lots of other friends that they get along with a lot less stress and fighting.
 
So, my question is - what should I do?  I feel guilty for stepping in between a friendship just because it stresses me out.  Should I grit my teeth and try to patch things up with Amanda's family and host a play date with Amanda?  Should I tell my kids that they have lots of other friends to play with and that they can see Amanda at recess (they're in separate kindergarten classes but do see each other at recess a few days a week)?  
Thanks for any advice!  

 

Welcome!
 
I have found that no matter how good of friends kids are, things seem to fall to pieces when there is an odd number.  If you do decide to invite Amanda over again, I would suggest finding another child that can also come over and divide the girls up 2 go play here and 2 go play there.  Also if you decided to invite Amanda over again, I would only do so with very structured activities where you are present and maintain a strong presence.  I would do things like boardgames or a specific craft under your direction.  That way if someone says something you can immediately be there to say "that's not how we talk to friends".  You could also do things like a scavenger hunt where the girls have to work together.
 
Since the problems continued at afterschool and at a party, I'm inclined to think that you can probably try to fix it, but there probably is a personality clash somewhere.  Just because we are friends with someone doesn't mean our kids will be friends with their kids.  
 
I think that if you decide you want to salvage the relationship, it's going to take you having a strong presence and helping the kids figure out how to act.  It's going to take a lot of work for them to unlearn that behavior pattern all 3 of the girls have with each other.  
 
Marissa

 

It is hard to 'share' friends.  My sister & I had separate friends.  Well, she had her friends and my friends were friends with her.  I remember vividly in elementary school my twin sister joining her friends in calling me names and picking on me.  Mom had a talk with her and it never happened again, BUT her friends were never mine, especially in high school.  I agree with Marissa, perhaps more parent involvement would help if you want to help salvage the relationship.  Maybe let one twin play with her while you do something fun with the other one.  Maybe talk to them and see what they think of the situation and perhaps brainstorm a potential solution.  Good luck.  Social stuff has never been my forte.

 

I love the advice you've gotten so far.  I know you have mentioned talking to Amanda's mom about this.  I wonder if you can speak to her again and ask her for Amanda's side of the story.  Tell her what your girls are feeling, what's happening on their side and see what's going on with Amanda.  Maybe from there you can figure out if there is any way to repair it.  If the relationship is beyond repair then I would not feel badly in telling the kids there other kids in the friendship sea and they will see Amanda at recess.  
Like Jackie, I was never very good at the social stuff and still am not.  It does sound to me like that since Amanda is going out of her way to exclude one of your girls, even at her own birthday party, she could stand to learn some lessons on how to be a better friend.  
:welcome: to TS!!!

 

Does Amanda always exclude the same girl or does it change?  
If you want to try and have them play, what about having Amanda and another girl? 
I know my girls have some friends that they do play with just 3 of them, and some that it will not work.  

 

I agree with having another child over as well and doing something structured. For me the fact that the mom was defensive is a red flag.  If someone came to me and said my child was excluding her child from something, I would definitely listen and take action to help the kids act appropriately.  I would not blow it off!  

 

Is Amanda an only child? The only reason I ask is that my two have a neighborhood friend who tends to do the same thing. She's great one-on-one, but doesn't share very well. She's an only child and I wonder if that's part of the dynamic. One day Reagan had a school friend over and the neighbor friend came over to play too. At first it was great, but then it tuned into bickering and fighting so I had to send her home. I really think she just has a hard time when it's more than one friend. 

 

I think the first thing to keep in mind is that the behavior is completely normal and appropriate developmentally - at 6, kids begin to experiment with power and are starting to learn the intricacies of friendship (will she still be friends with me if I...? are we still friends if we're fighting or angry with each other? can I have more than one friend at a time? etc). Some kids do struggle playing with more than one playmate at a time as well - it's socially quite complex and it takes time and practice to learn the skills needed to make it work.

I think this is a wonderful opportunity to help all three girls to learn some life long lessons in social skills and friendship if you are inclined to work it out with them.

You could try approaching the other mom again but ultimately the people who need the tools and skills are the three kids so I would focus my energy on working with them when they're at your house.

I also think we need to remember that it is actually okay for children to exclude other children. Children have the right to choose their playmates. Social exclusion is a huge trigger for us as adults - it terrifies us. So when we see it happening to our kids, we tend to react to it rather than to respond to it. Children exclude children from play for many valid reasons (the game only needs 2 kids, someone's feeling socially overwhelmed, experimenting with power, a desire to play by themself, worry that another person coming into the game will wreck/disrupt the play, etc). Sometimes all that's needed from the adult in the situation is mediating a conversation between the kids to clarify what that reason is and brainstorming a solution. The key is getting the kids to focus on each other and work together towards a solution rather than you enforcing a solution that makes sense to you. The ultimate goal is to give them the tools to mediate and problem solve on their own eventually, without your help.

So, for example, one of your girls comes to you to complain the other two are excluding her. First, empathize. "Hmmm...it sounds like you're really upset by that" She'll either confirm that or clarify ("No! I'm mad!") Then you'll want to direct her back to the other kids "Tell them! Would you like me to come?" If she does, go with her but let her speak. If she's unable, then you can say "J is feeling X" Then wait. See what the kids say. Let them each have a turn to express their feelings. Clarify what they're saying when needed "I hear A saying she's worried that J will wreck the game" Wait some more. If it seems like the conversation is starting to go circular, try interjecting a summary and a call for solutions "I hear A saying...J saying...K saying...I wonder what could you do about that?" You guessed it! Wait some more. If they're still struggling to reach a resolution, ask if they would like some suggestions. You can offer some possible solutions but don't take it personally if they choose not to follow them. They will eventually land on a solution that works for them (and then you have to let it go, even if the solution seems "unfair" to you - if it works for them, let it go).

The downside to this approach is that it can be quite a time suck for you, especially at first. But over time, you'll find them using the skills that have been modeled for them on their own, without you needing to mediate for them. The plus side is that it teaches them to state their needs, set limits, problem solve, respect others points of view, etc, etc.

 

Rachel gave great advice, I think. It breaks my heart when the kids have friend trouble, but I find the more i listen and let them work it out, the better things go.

That being said, we had a problem with a group of friends where one boy was consistently getting picked on, and we couldn't resolve it. I tried discussing things with the parents and helping the boys come up with ideas about how to handle his behaviour, but it didn't work. In the end, I decided that we wouldn't see them anymore, because I think it's important not to spend time with people who make you feel bad.

If the kids relationship doesn't work out, it doesn't mean you can't enjoy the relationship with the parents socially either. Our neighbors have kids who are good friends with ours, and it goes in ebbs and flows... When everyone is getting along, we all get together. When they're not we get babysitters and go out ourselves.

 

[SIZE=10.5pt]Wow, thank you so much for all the great responses and advice!  You guys are awesome![/SIZE]
 
[SIZE=10.5pt]I know that threesomes can be troublesome for sure - it's a difficult dynamic even for adults.  If I do have Amanda over again, I'll try to invite another child - though this behavior happens even when there are other kids around (birthday parties, etc.).  Amanda is much, much worse when her mom is around.  Yes, Amanda is an only child and is quite spoiled and self-centered – much more than a typical six year old (she’s always pushing to the front of lines to get stuff and brags constantly).   She does not tend to exclude one girl more - she is definitely an equal opportunity excluder.   I do think that Amanda needs to learn to be a better friend (though, really, all the six year olds I know need to work on this) and I do wish her mom would step up and help her with this as I feel it's all been in my court.  [/SIZE]
 
[SIZE=10.5pt]Having more structured activities during play dates is a great idea.  I usually try to use play dates as a time to get clean the house or something - since they are occupied with their friends, but maybe I need to be more involved before things get out of hand. [/SIZE]
 
[SIZE=10.5pt]Miss_Bossy - I never thought about the idea that it's okay to exclude another child.  I appreciate your comment because it does make me think about my reaction to what's happening.  I think that there are probably be two kinds of exclusion - one which is done not to hurt someone's feelings but simply because kids are already doing something and don't want to change what they're doing to include a new kid.  The other is done specifically with the intent to hurt someone's feelings.  The former is understandable and probably okay but, to me, the latter is unacceptable.  Generally, the exclusion happens with Amanda and my kids seem to be intended to hurt feelings and make Amanda feel powerful.  Amanda will whisper to J or K and then both will say "let's not play with K (or J)".  However, I will keep an eye out to make sure that I'm not reading more into what’s happening. [/SIZE]
 
Rollergiraffe – I’ve told my kids essentially what you said about not wanting to hang out with people who make you feel bad.  I think they understand this but still want to hang out with Amanda for some reason.   My husband and I have pretty much gotten to the point that we don’t want to socialize with the family -  even without the children.  My husband really is starting to dislike the mom (and I go back and forth) and really can’t stand Amanda.   So, socializing with the parents is not an issue really – it’s more that I feel guilty that I’m not giving the kids an opportunity to play with their “best friend.”  

 

I agree with all the advice about how to try to help them work things out if you decide to do that. But I also noticed in your original post that you said " I feel guilty for stepping in between a friendship just because it stresses me out." Based on your description, it sounds like it is stressing your girls out a lot too, so don't feel guilty!
 
Sometimes the best way to help is to help your kids see that this is not a relationship that makes them happy. And especially if you are no longer interested in being friends with the parents, there might not be a strong reason to try to "fix" the friendship. You might instead want to aim for teaching your girls some ways that they can interact with Amanda when they're around her in group situations (like at school) so she doesn't have such power to make them miserable. And maybe help them see that part of the reason they still want to be friends with her (or think they do) is because they are constantly hoping she will choose one of them over the other -- which makes the "chosen one" feel good for the moment, but is really not a healthy dynamic.
 
Good luck -- the whole friend thing is so tough with twins!