Best Practices -- 5-6 year old behaviour

All:

We had a pretty rough weekend with our 5.5 year old DS in terms of acting out (although DD, his twin) was giving him a run for the money! I'm feeling somewhat overwhelmed by everyone's tempers (his, DHs and mine, too!) and could use some sage advice from BTDT twin moms.

Anybody want to share suggestions for something that worked at this age (or didn't)? I'm looking for your practical wisdom, but could also use suggestions for books, websites, headache remedies, etc.

Thanks!

Meg -- Mom to 5.5 year old boy/girl twins

 

Have you tried the book 1-2-3 Magic? It's about positive reinforcement. It has great success. I have used several of the ideas and it does work. It's basically about how to get children to understand that by the time you count to 3, xyz is going to happen. If you stick with it, the kids understand that a time-out, toy taken away, whatever is going to happen if you reach 3 and their behavior has not gone back to 'normal'.

 

Siblings without Rivalry
How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk

(Both by Faber & Mazlish)

They're not discipline books per se, but I've found the general ideas to be very useful.

As far as daily survival -- what seems to work best for them right now is empathy combined with firmness and boundaries (also something that is heavily stressed in those books). For example: Child having a meltdown because she really wanted to go swimming but you just don't have time today -- and therefore refuses to get stuff ready for ballet class.

You say, "I know, you really wanted to go swimming. It's such a bummer when you don't get to do what you really want to do. I wish we had time for swimming today, but we just don't. Now, are you ready to pick our your ballet stuff now or do you need to just feel mad for a while longer?"
Child: "EEEEEEE---AAAA--GGGHHH!"
You: "OK, it looks like you need to feel mad for a while longer. I'll come check on you in a few minutes."
Child: chases you into your bedroom so she can pound on your legs
You: "It's not OK to hit me. I'm going into the bathroom and close the door so you can't hurt me."
Child: banging on bathroom door
You: "I'll come out when you stop banging, so I know you aren't going to hurt me."
Child: keeps screaming, but stops banging
You: come out of bathroom
Child: now wants you to hold her while she screams in your ear. You decide this is progress, so you do it. Eventually the screaming diminishes.
You: "Now are you ready to get your ballet stuff together? I'm a little worried we're going to be late -- I know you don't like to walk into class late."
Child: "Only if you help me! And tell me a story while I'm doing it!"
You: "OK, I'll keep telling a story as long as you keeping moving toward being ready."

I could go on, but rest assured that eventually the child gets to ballet, and sometimes she's even on time.

Sorry so long -- I was just sort of playing out the scenario in my head and writing it down!

Anyway, obviously it doesn't really prevent tantrums, but it has helped me deal with them while keeping my sanity and minimizing the effect they have on everything else we are trying to do.

Also, every once in a while I actually burst into tears (not on purpose) and lock myself in the bathroom. They hate this, and it doesn't really help, but I think it's useful for them to know that Mommy's tolerance for abuse is not infinite.

 

Thanks for the posts and the references, guys -- I really appreciate it.

We've been working in some more positive discipline and seen improvement!!!

Much peace to everyone's households!

Meg