Boyfriends Twin Annoying Brother

Discussion in 'General' started by bettyboopfan, Mar 4, 2009.

  1. bettyboopfan

    bettyboopfan Member

    Hello Everyone...i'm new to this forum and I hope to learn a great deal on here. :)

    I did a search on google on how to deal with boyfriends twin brother and stumbled upon this site. I hope I can get objective feedback and we can have good discussion.

    My boyfriend, who is a twin, recently broke up with me. I'm devastated.

    I truly believe it had ALOT to do with his twin brother, who was obviously jealous of our relationship.

    For starters, he would complain that my boyfriend:
    1. spends too much time talking to me on the phone at night..usually anywhere between 10 pm to midnight.
    2. He would complain that my boyfriend disturbs him while he's on the phone talking to me and he isnt able to sleep while we're on the phone (they sleep in the same bed in the same room!).
    3. He tells people, mainly family friends and relatives, that my boyfriend spends way too much time with me and is never home (which is not true, sometimes we go 2 wks w/o seeing each other).
    4. One day my boyfriend and I were kidding around about the little things he does for me, which I said must be out of love, and the twin interjected by saying "its not love, its stupidity".

    What ultimately led to the break up was, my boyfriend and I had to run an errand one morning. We were running late so he was unable to pick his daughter up so he asked the twin to do it. What a mistake. I think when my boyfriend finally made it home, his twin laid a heavy guilt trip on him. My boyfriend ended up breaking our plans for that night and he was very cold with me. Needless to say i got very angry and we argued. He told me he had to do stuff with his brother that night instead and the next day.

    Ever since then, we argued constantly. Mainly because he was refusing to spend time with me because he always had someting to do with his twin. Eventually we broke up. He didnt call me for Valentines Day or my birthday. He told me the reason why he was breaking things off was because he can't afford to give me the time that I "want".

    So folks, here I am, hurt and dissapointed. I really care for this guy and I want him back. But it seems like his brother, who doesn't seem to have a life of his own, won't allow my boyfriend to move forward in life.

    Whats your opinion? Other than leave the situation alone cause my heart and mind just can't. I feel there's a future for me and my boyfriend...help!
     
  2. 2plusbgtwins

    2plusbgtwins Well-Known Member

    Im a mother to fraternal twins (who are only 2 so we havent had any similar issues)... so Im not sure how much help I can be, other than just giving my honest opinion. I think it might be of some help for you to read the post in this same forum titled something like "issues with boyfriends twin" or something like that.. Another girl had a problem ( a little more serious than yours) with her bfs twin and there were a lot of interesting responses to her.

    OK. so I personally think it is wierd that your bf and his brother share a bed!! :blush: How old are they?

    A lot of what Im thinking is based on that old thread I mentioned above, but Im not sure how much there really is that you can do to make him change his mind. There is obviously a strong twin bond there, and you would have to, at least, be friends with the twin brother, or your relationship most likely wont work.

    How long have you two been together? Has the twin brother always had 'something against you'?? Have you ever tried to talk to him directly to address any issues he has with you?

    I would say if you really want to make it work, then you should try calling your bf and asking him if you can get together and talk, and you might even want to invite the twin brother along to clear the air.
     
  3. bettyboopfan

    bettyboopfan Member

    QUOTE(2plusbgtwins @ Mar 4 2009, 04:22 PM) [snapback]1214504[/snapback]
    Im a mother to fraternal twins (who are only 2 so we havent had any similar issues)... so Im not sure how much help I can be, other than just giving my honest opinion. I think it might be of some help for you to read the post in this same forum titled something like "issues with boyfriends twin" or something like that.. Another girl had a problem ( a little more serious than yours) with her bfs twin and there were a lot of interesting responses to her.

    OK. so I personally think it is wierd that your bf and his brother share a bed!! :blush: How old are they?

    A lot of what Im thinking is based on that old thread I mentioned above, but Im not sure how much there really is that you can do to make him change his mind. There is obviously a strong twin bond there, and you would have to, at least, be friends with the twin brother, or your relationship most likely wont work.

    How long have you two been together? Has the twin brother always had 'something against you'?? Have you ever tried to talk to him directly to address any issues he has with you?

    I would say if you really want to make it work, then you should try calling your bf and asking him if you can get together and talk, and you might even want to invite the twin brother along to clear the air.


    thanks for your response....i saw the thread u were referring to...very interesting replies.

    these twins...are 44 years old. :( there is no reason for them to share a bed. theres more than enuff room in the house they live in. its my boyfriends room. the brother just decides to crash in his bed.

    we've been dating for about 6 months. when we first starting seeing each other, the brother was temporarily living out of state. when my boyfriend and i would be together, his twin would call 15xs in one day. it was annoying. we were fine while his brother was out of town. as soon as he came back home...thats when the trouble started. i've talked to my boyfriend about the comments made by his twin and he said not to worry. but obviously there was a reason to worry.

    i get the feeling he doesnt want my boyfriend with anyone. they go everywhere and do everything together now that he's back. its insane.
     
  4. Kendra

    Kendra Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    Your ex has a daughter, do you know what the relationship was with her mother?

    I think a successful relationship with a twin means you understand that the twins need twin time and that there is a history. You don't have to be bestest friends with the twin but there has to be a working relationship there.

    Of course there are those who don't want their twin to be with anyone else. In those cases, it takes a strong person who wants to have a romantic relationship to deal with the twin. If they don't have the strenght to make their twin understand then a romantic relationship really isn't possible.
     
  5. TwinRichard

    TwinRichard Well-Known Member

    You can always try polyandry? :p

    QUOTE
    1. spends too much time talking to me on the phone at night..usually anywhere between 10 pm to midnight.
    2. He would complain that my boyfriend disturbs him while he's on the phone talking to me and he isn't able to sleep while we're on the phone (they sleep in the same bed in the same room!).
    3. He tells people, mainly family friends and relatives, that my boyfriend spends way too much time with me and is never home (which is not true, sometimes we go 2 wks w/o seeing each other).
    4. One day my boyfriend and I were kidding around about the little things he does for me, which I said must be out of love, and the twin interjected by saying "its not love, its stupidity".


    1. I think this complaint is justified. Two hours is a bit excessive particularly if you see him relatively frequently (at least once every few weeks) or if this is several times per week.
    2. I don't think there is an issue with them sleeping in the same bed however old they happen to be. If the house is big enough for them each to have their own room, there must be enough room for your boyfriend to use the telephone where he won't wake his brother up. Mind you, I wouldn't want to sleep in the same bed as my brother but I see no reason to deny anybody else the ability to do so.
    3. If he isn't home when his daughter is there then I can see why he would think this.
    4. I don't see why you are complaining about this comment? From somebody looking at these things rationally without an emotional attachment to them, many things people do for each other do seem stupid (and a waste of money and resources). Obviously there is a reason people do them but that doesn't mean they are rational because they are done for "love" (an ambiguous term if ever there was one).

    Otherwise I have nothing else to add (which differs from that other thread) other than to say that I agree with Kendra.
     
  6. bettyboopfan

    bettyboopfan Member

    QUOTE(Kendra @ Mar 4 2009, 06:05 PM) [snapback]1214647[/snapback]
    Your ex has a daughter, do you know what the relationship was with her mother?

    I think a successful relationship with a twin means you understand that the twins need twin time and that there is a history. You don't have to be bestest friends with the twin but there has to be a working relationship there.

    Of course there are those who don't want their twin to be with anyone else. In those cases, it takes a strong person who wants to have a romantic relationship to deal with the twin. If they don't have the strenght to make their twin understand then a romantic relationship really isn't possible.



    him the mother of daughter were married. they divorced because according to him "he and his family are very close and she wanted it to be just about them"

    i didn't pry...but it sounds like he his wife came second and his twin came first. the wife didn't like it so she bailed.
     
  7. bettyboopfan

    bettyboopfan Member

    QUOTE(TwinRichard @ Mar 5 2009, 02:26 AM) [snapback]1215155[/snapback]
    You can always try polyandry? :p
    1. I think this complaint is justified. Two hours is a bit excessive particularly if you see him relatively frequently (at least once every few weeks) or if this is several times per week.
    2. I don't think there is an issue with them sleeping in the same bed however old they happen to be. If the house is big enough for them each to have their own room, there must be enough room for your boyfriend to use the telephone where he won't wake his brother up. Mind you, I wouldn't want to sleep in the same bed as my brother but I see no reason to deny anybody else the ability to do so.
    3. If he isn't home when his daughter is there then I can see why he would think this.
    4. I don't see why you are complaining about this comment? From somebody looking at these things rationally without an emotional attachment to them, many things people do for each other do seem stupid (and a waste of money and resources). Obviously there is a reason people do them but that doesn't mean they are rational because they are done for "love" (an ambiguous term if ever there was one).

    Otherwise I have nothing else to add (which differs from that other thread) other than to say that I agree with Kendra.



    1. w/regards to how long we spend on the phone, thats nobodys, including the his twins business. we're both adults and we can talk as long was we want. besides, its my boyfriends room. the twin doesn't have to climb in bed with him. he can sleep elsewhere if our being on the phone bothers him.

    2. you're probably right...but it does seem strange that a 44 year old man would rather climb in bed with his brother at night instead of a woman or partner.

    3. he is home when the daughter is home. she's at her mom's on the weekends. thats usually when we see each other.

    4. i complained because my boyfriend and i were having a discussion and the twin interjected to say something mean and negative. even tho they are twins...what my ex did for me and vice versa is not the twins business.

    thanx for your comments. i like hearing from twins in order to learn and make sense of their relationships.

    anyway, i read the enitre other thread and i was surprised to see that i'm not alone. some pretty good points were made.

    the reason why my ex said it was over is because he can't give me "the time that i want". which is strange because when his twin was out of town for a couple of months, him spending time with me was never an issue. i told my ex he's going to have problems with any woman that enters into his life since his twin, who is single and childless, does not want to see him with anyone. right now my ex is very mad at me and will not answer any of my calls.

    i'm going to give it some time to think this thru. altho i still have strong feelings for my ex and i want him back, i'm not so sure i can deal with this twin issue. hopefully with time i'll know for sure and if i do decide to be with my ex, i'll take a difft approach to the situation by being more understanding and patient with his twin and their relationship.
     
  8. TwinPeshi

    TwinPeshi Well-Known Member

    I'm not going to get myelf dragged into this again but I have to say this. What goes on between you and your boyfriend is his business. Even if it was not his business, he has every right to comment on what he wants to. You need go grow thicker skin.
     
  9. bettyboopfan

    bettyboopfan Member

    QUOTE(TwinPeshi @ Mar 5 2009, 03:29 PM) [snapback]1215727[/snapback]
    I'm not going to get myelf dragged into this again but I have to say this. What goes on between you and your boyfriend is his business. Even if it was not his business, he has every right to comment on what he wants to. You need go grow thicker skin.


    i agree that i need to grow thicker skin. i let the twins comments bother me and i shouldn't have.

    however, i don't agree that what goes on between me and my bf is the twins business. their twin brothers. not clones of each other. they are 2 separate ppl. next thing i'll be hearing is that a 3some with me and them is normal. LOLOL :lol:
     
  10. TwinRichard

    TwinRichard Well-Known Member

    QUOTE
    w/regards to how long we spend on the phone, thats nobodys, including the his twins business. we're both adults and we can talk as long was we want.


    I agree. You can spend as much time on the telephone with each other as you want. That doesn't mean his brother can't complain about it.

    QUOTE
    .but it does seem strange that a 44 year old man would rather climb in bed with his brother at night instead of a woman or partner.


    I wouldn't call it strange (there are a number of biological reasons for this) but it is certainly unusual in Western countries today.

    CODE
    he is home when the daughter is home. she's at her mom's on the weekends. thats usually when we see each other.


    You might see him only on the weekends when she isn't there but maybe he does leave his daughter with his brother a lot at other times so I could see why his brother might not like him leaving his daughter with him on the odd occasion you see each other when his daughter is there.

    CODE
    what my ex did for me and vice versa is not the twins business.


    Whether it is or isn't his business is irrelevent. His brother can make comments regardless.

    CODE
    i told my ex he's going to have problems with any woman that enters into his life since his twin, who is single and childless, does not want to see him with anyone. right now my ex is very mad at me and will not answer any of my calls.


    You don't think that is understandable? You are essentially saying that he will live the rest of his life with only his brother (and daughter presumably). You wouldn't be upset if somebody said the same thing to you? You assume that because you cannot understand why somebody would want to spend so much time with their brother that nobody else will. Most twins seem to manage without a problem, but it depends on the other person being understanding of how your relationship is not suddenly more important than the one with his brother.

    CODE
    however, i don't agree that what goes on between me and my bf is the twins business. their twin brothers. not clones of each other. they are 2 separate ppl.


    While it is true that they are two seperate people it is still his brother's business regardless of if you want to accept it or not. If you were to marry him, his brother would likely be omnipresent and he would very likely continue to ask his brother for his opinion on things that you may think only affect the two of you. It is probably a generalisation but it seems to me that the majority of people who have problems with twin boyfriends (and girlfriends for that matter) are incapable of seeing how their actions with another person affect (perhaps negatively) a third person. Perhaps that isn't a fair comment about you (I don't know you so I can't really tell) but in general it seems to hold true.

    CODE
    next thing i'll be hearing is that a 3some with me and them is normal. LOLOL


    I already suggested that (polyandry) but I didn't claim it was normal :p:p
     
  11. bettyboopfan

    bettyboopfan Member

    QUOTE(TwinRichard @ Mar 5 2009, 05:51 PM) [snapback]1215902[/snapback]
    I wouldn't call it strange (there are a number of biological reasons for this) but it is certainly unusual in Western countries today.
    what would be some biological reason? im really curious cause this whole thing is rather perplexing and strange to me.


    You might see him only on the weekends when she isn't there but maybe he does leave his daughter with his brother a lot at other times so I could see why his brother might not like him leaving his daughter with him on the odd occasion you see each other when his daughter is there.
    this only happened one time...he was with me and he asked the brother to pick the daughter up cause he was running LATE. not that he wasnt going to show....just he was late. im not sure what the twin had to say about it...however it was after that incident, my bf and I were a done deal.


    You don't think that is understandable? You are essentially saying that he will live the rest of his life with only his brother (and daughter presumably). You wouldn't be upset if somebody said the same thing to you? You assume that because you cannot understand why somebody would want to spend so much time with their brother that nobody else will. Most twins seem to manage without a problem, but it depends on the other person being understanding of how your relationship is not suddenly more important than the one with his brother.
    hey, im learning as i go along. LOL what more can i say. LOL


    While it is true that they are two seperate people it is still his brother's business regardless of if you want to accept it or not. If you were to marry him, his brother would likely be omnipresent and he would very likely continue to ask his brother for his opinion on things that you may think only affect the two of you. It is probably a generalisation but it seems to me that the majority of people who have problems with twin boyfriends (and girlfriends for that matter) are incapable of seeing how their actions with another person affect (perhaps negatively) a third person. Perhaps that isn't a fair comment about you (I don't know you so I can't really tell) but in general it seems to hold true.
    point taken. wow. this twin thing is deeper than i could have ever imagined. :huh:


    I already suggested that (polyandry) but I didn't claim it was normal :p:p

    im not feeling that idea. LOL however the twin did use my bf's phone to call me late one night to make sure i got home safely. LOL i was shocked he did that. i thought it was my bf calling me but it was the twin. lol

    Richard...thanks for your input. i'm learning alot. One question, is there ever a line that twins should NOT cross when it comes to their brother/sister outside relationships?
     
  12. caba

    caba Banned

    This is SOOOOO bizarre. First of all, it sounds like his twin brother needs to get a life, a girlfriend, a boyfriend, or SOMETHING ELSE besides his twin. I have to say, I would be SO disappointed if my twins do not know how to create relationships outside of the one they have with each other. Of course I am hoping that they remain the closest of friends, but wow. This is just WEIRD.

    It certainly is strange that a 44 year old man would want to sleep in bed with another 44 year old man if it's not a romantic relationship.

    It is NOT strange for a 44 year old man to talk on the phone with his girlfriend, especially if he only sees her once every 2 weeks. That's like no time at all to spend with someone you are in a relationship with. I would be bothered by that in and of itself.

    A good friend, a good brother, would not try to sabotage a relationship with someone their twin cared about. And this guy totally sounds like a kook.

    How creepy that his brother was monitoring his phone usage, making stupid remarks about love (he probably has no idea what it is) and is just spending all his time up in his twins business. I get it. Twins have a bond. It doesn't mean they can't live their own lives.

    But to you, move on! This is dysfunction at its finest. I wouldn't waste another moment. Move onto someone that is willing to put you first.
     
  13. caba

    caba Banned

    QUOTE(TwinRichard @ Mar 5 2009, 05:51 PM) [snapback]1215902[/snapback]
    I agree. You can spend as much time on the telephone with each other as you want. That doesn't mean his brother can't complain about it.

    Are you for real? Of course his brother shouldn't complain about it! How creepy. Someone needs to tell this brother to get a life of his own.

    QUOTE(TwinRichard @ Mar 5 2009, 05:51 PM) [snapback]1215902[/snapback]
    While it is true that they are two seperate people it is still his brother's business regardless of if you want to accept it or not. If you were to marry him, his brother would likely be omnipresent and he would very likely continue to ask his brother for his opinion on things that you may think only affect the two of you. It is probably a generalisation but it seems to me that the majority of people who have problems with twin boyfriends (and girlfriends for that matter) are incapable of seeing how their actions with another person affect (perhaps negatively) a third person. Perhaps that isn't a fair comment about you (I don't know you so I can't really tell) but in general it seems to hold true.

    This is ridiculous. Seems to me the person who is having boundary problems is the twin who thinks that relationship should supersede all others, not the significant other.
     
  14. Kendra

    Kendra Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    We all, twin or not, make judgements on the people our siblings choose. Its how we express it, good or bad that matters. I have thoughts about my brother in law that I don't express out of love and respect for my sister. As long as she is treated well and is happy, then I'll keep my nose out of it.

    I think in the case of this ex, he is best kept an ex. He may be perfectly fine when his brother is away but the fact that he is submissive towards his brother and isn't willing to work towards finding a middle ground makes him a poor choice for anyone. (just the fact that he didn't give his brother a knock down for taking over his bed....or even moving to another bed(!) shows that)
     
  15. bettyboopfan

    bettyboopfan Member

    QUOTE(caba @ Mar 6 2009, 09:24 AM) [snapback]1216590[/snapback]
    This is SOOOOO bizarre. First of all, it sounds like his twin brother needs to get a life, a girlfriend, a boyfriend, or SOMETHING ELSE besides his twin. I have to say, I would be SO disappointed if my twins do not know how to create relationships outside of the one they have with each other. Of course I am hoping that they remain the closest of friends, but wow. This is just WEIRD.

    It certainly is strange that a 44 year old man would want to sleep in bed with another 44 year old man if it's not a romantic relationship.

    It is NOT strange for a 44 year old man to talk on the phone with his girlfriend, especially if he only sees her once every 2 weeks. That's like no time at all to spend with someone you are in a relationship with. I would be bothered by that in and of itself.

    A good friend, a good brother, would not try to sabotage a relationship with someone their twin cared about. And this guy totally sounds like a kook.

    How creepy that his brother was monitoring his phone usage, making stupid remarks about love (he probably has no idea what it is) and is just spending all his time up in his twins business. I get it. Twins have a bond. It doesn't mean they can't live their own lives.


    But to you, move on! This is dysfunction at its finest. I wouldn't waste another moment. Move onto someone that is willing to put you first.


    :clapping: :clapping: :clapping:

    OK....well glad to see i wasn't totally losing my mind for thinking that their relationship was in fact STRANGE.

    you are sooo right. the twin needs to find a mate. my bf told he didn't like their sleeping arrangement but refused to stand up to the brother about it. i told him he's more than welcome to stay with me but he said that would be difficult since he has his daughter during the week and we live really far apart.......... i think the twin is gay but is afraid to come out of the closet. maybe thats why he's hanging on to his brother so closely? maybe his brother is his security blanket and thats why he is trying sabotage our relationship. i have no idea. they will turn 45 this year. and their arrangement is NUTS. my boyfriend has not had a gf in 8 years...i didn't believe him at first but now i do.

    thanks for ur advice. i'll try to move on but right its hard cause i cared so deeply for my bf. hopefully with time i'll be fine.
     
  16. bettyboopfan

    bettyboopfan Member

    QUOTE(Kendra @ Mar 6 2009, 10:05 AM) [snapback]1216675[/snapback]
    We all, twin or not, make judgements on the people our siblings choose. Its how we express it, good or bad that matters. I have thoughts about my brother in law that I don't express out of love and respect for my sister. As long as she is treated well and is happy, then I'll keep my nose out of it.

    I think in the case of this ex, he is best kept an ex. He may be perfectly fine when his brother is away but the fact that he is submissive towards his brother and isn't willing to work towards finding a middle ground makes him a poor choice for anyone. (just the fact that he didn't give his brother a knock down for taking over his bed....or even moving to another bed(!) shows that)



    coming from a twin, there isn't any doubt in my mind that i need to now move on.
     
  17. Anne-J

    Anne-J Well-Known Member

    QUOTE
    his is SOOOOO bizarre. First of all, it sounds like his twin brother needs to get a life, a girlfriend, a boyfriend, or SOMETHING ELSE besides his twin. I have to say, I would be SO disappointed if my twins do not know how to create relationships outside of the one they have with each other. Of course I am hoping that they remain the closest of friends, but wow. This is just WEIRD.

    It certainly is strange that a 44 year old man would want to sleep in bed with another 44 year old man if it's not a romantic relationship.

    It is NOT strange for a 44 year old man to talk on the phone with his girlfriend, especially if he only sees her once every 2 weeks. That's like no time at all to spend with someone you are in a relationship with. I would be bothered by that in and of itself.

    A good friend, a good brother, would not try to sabotage a relationship with someone their twin cared about. And this guy totally sounds like a kook.

    How creepy that his brother was monitoring his phone usage, making stupid remarks about love (he probably has no idea what it is) and is just spending all his time up in his twins business. I get it. Twins have a bond. It doesn't mean they can't live their own lives.

    But to you, move on! This is dysfunction at its finest. I wouldn't waste another moment. Move onto someone that is willing to put you first.


    Or has some spine. ;)

    I agree with Erica... this is just weird. Move on and good luck.
     
  18. TwinPeshi

    TwinPeshi Well-Known Member

    QUOTE
    It is NOT strange for a 44 year old man to talk on the phone with his girlfriend, especially if he only sees her once every 2 weeks. That's like no time at all to spend with someone you are in a relationship with. I would be bothered by that in and of itself.


    Then you need to grow thicker skin too. I think two hours on the telephone every day is a long time so I can certainly understand if he doesn't like it. So what if it is considered normal? He doesn't have to like it and he can comment on it if he wants to.

    QUOTE
    How creepy that his brother was monitoring his phone usage, making stupid remarks about love (he probably has no idea what it is) and is just spending all his time up in his twins business. I get it. Twins have a bond. It doesn't mean they can't live their own lives.


    I doubt he was "monitoring" anything but if you live together you certainly notice these things.

    QUOTE
    you are sooo right. the twin needs to find a mate. my bf told he didn't like their sleeping arrangement but refused to stand up to the brother about it.


    If he can't be bothered to tell him that he doesn't want him in his bed then I don't see how that is his twin brother's problem. If he cared that much about him sleeping in his bed he would put a stop to it.

    ....

    I have to admit I find it extremely annoying when people come in here and start making comments on what is normal and what isn't when they have never lived it. These thread always go the same way with some girlfriend complaining that their boyfriend's twin doesn't allow them to do what they want to do and always interferes. The problem with this thinking is that if the boyfriend (in this case and any other case) wanted to stop it, they could. The fact that he doesn't tells me that he doesn't want to.
     
  19. TwinRichard

    TwinRichard Well-Known Member

    QUOTE
    what would be some biological reason? im really curious cause this whole thing is rather perplexing and strange to me.


    I don't have time to look it up at the moment (I can't remember what it was called) but if I remember correctly. There are repeated examples (even just on this forum) of twins having to be put together in the hospital/when they are children for them to sleep properly. This "need" does not disappear when you get older, it generally does become supressed though (for whatever reasons).

    QUOTE
    this only happened one time...he was with me and he asked the brother to pick the daughter up cause he was running LATE.


    I was saying that something similar might have happened before (which you don't know about and weren't involved in).

    QUOTE
    however the twin did use my bf's phone to call me late one night to make sure i got home safely


    This doesn't match with the "evil twin trying to break us up" description ;)

    QUOTE
    One question, is there ever a line that twins should NOT cross when it comes to their brother/sister outside relationships?


    I don't think there is a set line (it is probably more like a curve anyway) and will depend on them. Ultimately the line will need to be set by him based on how much he wants his brother to be involved. I don't really think you have any say in where the line is drawn although he might take how you feel into account (if he knows how you feel anyway).

    QUOTE
    Are you for real? Of course his brother shouldn't complain about it


    Yes I am and his brother can complain about it.

    CODE
    This is ridiculous. Seems to me the person who is having boundary problems is the twin who thinks that relationship should supersede all others, not the significant other.


    It is not ridiculous and this comment is a perfect example of what I was saying. You can choose not to believe it but that doesn't change how things are.

    CODE
    I have to admit I find it extremely annoying when people come in here and start making comments on what is normal and what isn't when they have never lived it.


    I agree. People come in here and reply to comments based on their expereiences with their (non-twin) sister or brother and anything other than the typical for non-twins is considered strange. If this was so uncommon you wouldn't have so many people coming here to post about how their boyfriend's twin is trying to break them apart.
     
  20. Snittens

    Snittens Well-Known Member

    QUOTE
    I don't have time to look it up at the moment (I can't remember what it was called) but if I remember correctly. There are repeated examples (even just on this forum) of twins having to be put together in the hospital/when they are children for them to sleep properly. This "need" does not disappear when you get older, it generally does become supressed though (for whatever reasons).

    That's BABIES when they are first born. My twins are three and sleep in separate beds, they rarely get in each other's beds to sleep. This is nuts.

    Bettyboopfan - There is something wrong there. I have two sets of twins for aunts and uncles, and they are each married (well, one's divorced), live in different states, and are not like this. Just because one is a twin, doesn't mean that person has any say as to how much time their twin spends on the phone and that stuff. And sleeping in the bed together is just weird, sorry.
     
  21. TwinPeshi

    TwinPeshi Well-Known Member

    I feel like I'm hitting my head against a brick wall (or walls in this case). Just because somebody doesn't "have a say" in something does not mean they can't comment. Seriously. You have to get over yourselves if you think that nobody can comment on what you do. You appear to have no problems commenting on a public forum about somebody's personal life so I see no reason why somebody can't comment on what you do (or don't do). I comment on what everybody does regardless of their relationship (or lack of) with me. If you are that sensitive that you can't accept that people will make comments then you need to go elsewhere.
     
  22. TwinRichard

    TwinRichard Well-Known Member

    QUOTE
    My twins are three and sleep in separate beds, they rarely get in each other's beds to sleep. This is nuts.


    That is your children and what they prefer. Since when did one set become a standard everybody else had to follow?

    QUOTE
    Just because one is a twin, doesn't mean that person has any say as to how much time their twin spends on the phone and that stuff.


    Nobody said that they had any say in how much time they spend on the telephone, only that they could complain about it if they wanted to.

    QUOTE
    And sleeping in the bed together is just weird, sorry.


    I will sleep in the same bed as Adrian on occasion if I absolutely have to (if we are on holiday and can only get a room with a double bed). I would prefer not to but I will do it if I need to. If they choose to sleep in the same bed more often I don't see what that has to do with anybody else?
     
  23. caba

    caba Banned

    QUOTE(TwinPeshi @ Mar 6 2009, 04:55 PM) [snapback]1217287[/snapback]
    Then you need to grow thicker skin too. I think two hours on the telephone every day is a long time so I can certainly understand if he doesn't like it. So what if it is considered normal? He doesn't have to like it and he can comment on it if he wants to.

    Are you married? You are right, I might not have experience as a twin, but I do as a significant other and as a wife. I also have a sister that I am EXTREMELY close to. This is not normal. And trust me, my skin is plenty thick. If his brother is happily chatting with his girlfriend for 40 hours, what the hell is missing in his brothers life that this is a complaint he even cares to make?? What about being happy for your brother? It's so selfish and just ugly.

    QUOTE(TwinPeshi @ Mar 6 2009, 04:55 PM) [snapback]1217287[/snapback]
    I doubt he was "monitoring" anything but if you live together you certainly notice these things.
    If he can't be bothered to tell him that he doesn't want him in his bed then I don't see how that is his twin brother's problem. If he cared that much about him sleeping in his bed he would put a stop to it.

    Yeah, especially in the same bed. That's creepy beyond creepy.

    QUOTE(TwinPeshi @ Mar 6 2009, 04:55 PM) [snapback]1217287[/snapback]
    I have to admit I find it extremely annoying when people come in here and start making comments on what is normal and what isn't when they have never lived it. These thread always go the same way with some girlfriend complaining that their boyfriend's twin doesn't allow them to do what they want to do and always interferes. The problem with this thinking is that if the boyfriend (in this case and any other case) wanted to stop it, they could. The fact that he doesn't tells me that he doesn't want to.


    Well, I guess YOU need to get a thicker skin.
     
  24. TwinPeshi

    TwinPeshi Well-Known Member

    QUOTE
    Are you married? You are right, I might not have experience as a twin, but I do as a significant other and as a wife. I also have a sister that I am EXTREMELY close to. This is not normal. And trust me, my skin is plenty thick. If his brother is happily chatting with his girlfriend for 40 hours, what the hell is missing in his brothers life that this is a complaint he even cares to make?? What about being happy for your brother? It's so selfish and just ugly.


    No and I don't want to be. Who cares that he comments on how much time he spends on the telephone?

    QUOTE
    Yeah, especially in the same bed. That's creepy beyond creepy.


    Again, who cares and who decides what is "creepy." It is their life and they can decide what they want to do.

    QUOTE
    Well, I guess YOU need to get a thicker skin.


    No, I don't. I didn't say it bothered me, I said I found it annoying because these threads always start and end the same way.
     
  25. Kendra

    Kendra Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    And this is your TOS warning.


    I think everyone is grabbing onto expressions of views vs the issue.

    Fact is, a 44 year old guy's twin brother moves into his bed and instead of giving him a smack down (which I'm sure 99% of anyone would do) he lets him. He also lets what his twin thinks about the length of time he talks on the phone get to him enough to comment on it to his girlfriend. (and others views on 2 hours of phone conversation probably boils down to their views on random chatting on the phone)

    This is not a typical twin relationship. Millions of twins are married to non-twins and the relationships run smootly. Again, bettyboop is lucky to be out and these two are bound to be single until they find a place where their twin relationship can co-exsist with a romantic one.
     
  26. TwinRichard

    TwinRichard Well-Known Member

    QUOTE
    and others views on 2 hours of phone conversation probably boils down to their views on random chatting on the phone


    Very true :p Admittedly I get annoyed with talking on the telephone very quickly. It doesn't mean I wouldn't be able to complain about it though ;)
     
  27. Snittens

    Snittens Well-Known Member

    QUOTE
    No and I don't want to be. Who cares that he comments on how much time he spends on the telephone?

    Sure, the twin has the right to comment about the phone usage, but the twin in the relationship also has the right to tell him to STFU and butt out. If my brother (and yeah, yeah, I'm not twin) told me I was talking on the phone too much with my SO, or he didn't like how much time I spent with him, I'd tell him to get lost.
     
  28. TwinRichard

    TwinRichard Well-Known Member

    QUOTE
    but the twin in the relationship also has the right to tell him to STFU and butt out.


    Yes he does but for whatever reason he isn't. That should be between the two of them.
     
  29. caba

    caba Banned

    QUOTE(Kendra @ Mar 6 2009, 08:08 PM) [snapback]1217510[/snapback]
    This is not a typical twin relationship. Millions of twins are married to non-twins and the relationships run smootly. Again, bettyboop is lucky to be out and these two are bound to be single until they find a place where their twin relationship can co-exsist with a romantic one.


    Thanks Kendra. I guess to me it sounded like people were saying this IS normal ... and I just don't think it is. You have said many times there are things you don't always love about Connie's husband, but you do love and respect your sister, so I'm sure there are many times you bite your tongue out of respect ...
     
  30. TwinPeshi

    TwinPeshi Well-Known Member

    QUOTE
    If my brother (and yeah, yeah, I'm not twin) told me I was talking on the phone too much with my SO, or he didn't like how much time I spent with him, I'd tell him to get lost.


    I would tell Richard the same thing (and I do a lot of times when he comments on something that isn't his business) but I don't begrudge Richard's ability to comment on it if he wishes. Her boyfriend is for whatever reason not telling him to mind his own business so both him and his girlfriend need to live with it.

    QUOTE
    I guess to me it sounded like people were saying this IS normal


    I never said it was normal for his brother to sleep in his bed. I said that you can't dictate what is normal and what isn't. I also said that if they want to live like that, they should be able to without interference from outside parties shouting "that isn't normal", "they are crazy" and so on.
     
  31. Snittens

    Snittens Well-Known Member

    QUOTE(TwinPeshi @ Mar 6 2009, 08:43 PM) [snapback]1217567[/snapback]
    I would tell Richard the same thing (and I do a lot of times when he comments on something that isn't his business) but I don't begrudge Richard's ability to comment on it if he wishes. Her boyfriend is for whatever reason not telling him to mind his own business so both him and his girlfriend need to live with it.
    I never said it was normal for his brother to sleep in his bed. I said that you can't dictate what is normal and what isn't. I also said that if they want to live like that, they should be able to without interference from outside parties shouting "that isn't normal", "they are crazy" and so on.

    Well, if my boyfriend was putting up with that from his brother, twin or not, I would be out of there. Which is sounds like the OP is anyway. There are plenty of other men out there who don't do this stuff.
     
  32. TwinPeshi

    TwinPeshi Well-Known Member

    QUOTE
    Well, if my boyfriend was putting up with that from his brother, twin or not, I would be out of there.


    Personally, it wouldn't bother me (either the comments or the bed thing) but if it bothers her that much then she should. I just don't think the comments are as big of an issue as they've been made to be.
     
  33. Anne-J

    Anne-J Well-Known Member

    Seriously, who cares about what he said regarding the phone conversation? The guy is 44 and still sleeps with his brother... apparently because of some need they had as babies which one or both haven't outgrown. That's weird stuff... RUN. :lol:

    Oh and lots of twins in my family etc. so I have a pretty good idea.

    Great explanation Kendra.
     
  34. Oneplus2more

    Oneplus2more Well-Known Member

    QUOTE(Kendra @ Mar 6 2009, 10:05 AM) [snapback]1216675[/snapback]
    We all, twin or not, make judgements on the people our siblings choose. Its how we express it, good or bad that matters. I have thoughts about my brother in law that I don't express out of love and respect for my sister. As long as she is treated well and is happy, then I'll keep my nose out of it.

    I think in the case of this ex, he is best kept an ex. He may be perfectly fine when his brother is away but the fact that he is submissive towards his brother and isn't willing to work towards finding a middle ground makes him a poor choice for anyone. (just the fact that he didn't give his brother a knock down for taking over his bed....or even moving to another bed(!) shows that)


    I'm glad to read this Kendra, otherwise this thread would have me worried about the likelihood of my girls having a functional romantic relationship as adults. (note - I didn't use *normal* ;) )

    To Bettyboop - lack of boundaries between these two have already (apparently) destroyed his marriage so I think you're doing the right thing. A married man with a child needs to put that family unit above all else, twin or not. If he was unable or unwilling to do that for his wife and child I'm not surprised he isn't willing/able to do that for a girlfriend. As far as the phone calls, I don't think it's odd at all in a relatively new relationship where you go a week or two without seeing each other. That is a long time in my book!!
     
  35. bettyboopfan

    bettyboopfan Member

    QUOTE(Snittens @ Mar 6 2009, 08:44 PM) [snapback]1217471[/snapback]
    That's BABIES when they are first born. My twins are three and sleep in separate beds, they rarely get in each other's beds to sleep. This is nuts.
    Bettyboopfan - There is something wrong there. I have two sets of twins for aunts and uncles, and they are each married (well, one's divorced), live in different states, and are not like this. Just because one is a twin, doesn't mean that person has any say as to how much time their twin spends on the phone and that stuff. And sleeping in the bed together is just weird, sorry.

    i agree. i've heard that its important for newborn twin infants to co-sleep for psychological reasons. however, at some point as they develop that need is longer necessary. something is wrong here. Like Erica said in a previous post, there is some dysfunction going on w/them.

    QUOTE(caba @ Mar 6 2009, 09:02 PM) [snapback]1217495[/snapback]
    Are you married? You are right, I might not have experience as a twin, but I do as a significant other and as a wife. I also have a sister that I am EXTREMELY close to. This is not normal. And trust me, my skin is plenty thick. If his brother is happily chatting with his girlfriend for 40 hours, what the hell is missing in his brothers life that this is a complaint he even cares to make?? What about being happy for your brother? It's so selfish and just ugly.
    Yeah, especially in the same bed. That's creepy beyond creepy.
    Well, I guess YOU need to get a thicker skin.

    its extremely selfish not to mention jealous. if he truly loved my bf, he would want him to be happy instead of being afraid that his twin could end up getting married and leaving him all alone. Its obvious he doesn't want my bf to move forward in life. Maybe if he got a job so my bf wouldn't have to support him, he wouldn't be so dependant on him.

    QUOTE(TwinPeshi @ Mar 6 2009, 09:07 PM) [snapback]1217507[/snapback]
    No and I don't want to be. Who cares that he comments on how much time he spends on the telephone?
    Again, who cares and who decides what is "creepy." It is their life and they can decide what they want to do.
    No, I don't. I didn't say it bothered me, I said I found it annoying because these threads always start and end the same way.


    you don't want to be married and thats the same thing i think is going on with the twin. he doesn't want to be married (he never was and has no kids) and wants my bf to be the same way. unmarried so they can sleep in the same bed together for ever.

    QUOTE(Kendra @ Mar 6 2009, 09:08 PM) [snapback]1217510[/snapback]
    And this is your TOS warning.
    I think everyone is grabbing onto expressions of views vs the issue.

    Fact is, a 44 year old guy's twin brother moves into his bed and instead of giving him a smack down (which I'm sure 99% of anyone would do) he lets him. He also lets what his twin thinks about the length of time he talks on the phone get to him enough to comment on it to his girlfriend. (and others views on 2 hours of phone conversation probably boils down to their views on random chatting on the phone)

    This is not a typical twin relationship. Millions of twins are married to non-twins and the relationships run smootly. Again, bettyboop is lucky to be out and these two are bound to be single until they find a place where their twin relationship can co-exsist with a romantic one.


    Thanks Kendra. at first i wasn't sure if i should deal with it since they're twins and I should just learn to accept their weird behavior. But after reading the comments by you and some of the other posters, there is not doubt in my mind that this situation is just nuts!

    QUOTE(ThreeLittleSnowflakes @ Mar 6 2009, 11:05 PM) [snapback]1217676[/snapback]
    I'm glad to read this Kendra, otherwise this thread would have me worried about the likelihood of my girls having a functional romantic relationship as adults. (note - I didn't use *normal* ;) )

    To Bettyboop - lack of boundaries between these two have already (apparently) destroyed his marriage so I think you're doing the right thing. A married man with a child needs to put that family unit above all else, twin or not. If he was unable or unwilling to do that for his wife and child I'm not surprised he isn't willing/able to do that for a girlfriend. As far as the phone calls, I don't think it's odd at all in a relatively new relationship where you go a week or two without seeing each other. That is a long time in my book!!


    Thats the same thing I was telling myself. If his own wife couldn't win against the twin, who am I? but you would think he would wake up and see that his twin is destroying all of his romantic relationships and he can't keep allowing this to happen if he wants a woman.

    and the twin was NOT just complaining about the phone calls. he would also complain when my bf would come spend the weekend at my house. which wasnt that often after he returned from out of state.
     
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