Does anyone else feel this way?

My husband and I always said we wanted 2 children, like many couples. When we found out we were having twins after 2 years of infertility issues we were ecstatic. We were finally having the 2 children we wanted. While I was pregnant, I even told people that this was it. We were done after this pregnancy because our family would be complete.

Well, it wasn't long after our twins were born (June 2007) that I started to feel differently. I think I began to realize that having 2 children, who are twins, is NOT the same experience as having 2 children born years apart. As a mom, I will only get to experience alot of things once. One "baby phase" (which I actually loved), one first birthday, one first day of school, etc... Even the milestones that didn't happen on the same day (like first tooth and first steps) happened only a few days or weeks apart. I kind of feel like I am being cheated a little. Please don't get me wrong. I love my boys more than anything in this world and I wouldn't change what we have for ANYTHING. I realize how lucky we are that they were born healthy and full-term and that they are still healthy. I just always imagined I would get to do all of those things twice.

Am I the only parent of multiples who feels this way?

 

I feel almost exactly the same way. I did want 2 kids with 2 pregnancy experiences. The biggest difference is that I had a horrible pregnancy with bed rest starting at 18 weeks and delivering the twins over 10 weeks early, while all the time being told that one twin would most definitely not make it. I feel like I was completely robbed of a "normal" pregnancy experience and I will probably never have one. Of course I am extremely grateful that both of my twins survived and are healthy and happy. But yes, I know how you feel.

 

I don't think you are alone! :hug: Our twins were #'s 2 and 3 and I know that adding 1 baby to our family when our DS was 3.5 would have been a much more peaceful, less chaotic adventure versus adding 2 babies! I love our "baby" boys like crazy and absolutely would not change a thing about our lives, but there are times I think about how different it is than I imagined it would be with 2 kids 3.5 years apart!

 

I completely understand where you are coming from. I use to say (while going through IF struggles)...if I could only have one..just one and I would be happy and content. AND...I am ecstatic to have my two, but sometimes I wish we could have just one more. I think it really starts to hit home (at least it did for me) as they grow out of the baby/toddlerhood stage and into preschool hood. At this point, I have kind of given up on it, but there is definately still a part of me that longs for it. I can't say I feel cheated per se, it is what it is but I do wish on occasion for just one more. That is until we have a bad day with the twinadoes and then I can't imagine bringing a baby into the mix! :lol: Plus...I know if we go back for a second (or in our case 3rd) round, there is absolutely no guarantee that it will just result in only one. ^_^

 

Ditto this.

IF was so stressful, I wistfully wonder what it would be like to have a 'surprise' , no medical intervention to get pregnancy, and be able to have just DH and I savor a pregnancy in private for a few weeks instead of contant meds and U/S and everyone wanting to know what was going on.

We actually did attempt a FET in 2008, but it did not work. I am sad that our chance for one more did not work out...but as PP said- I am so very very grateful for the twins. I just feel our family is not complete AND I would love a more 'typical' pregnancy (twins was very high risk, 11 weeks of bedrest, 2 month premature, etc)...but barring a medical miracle or a lottery win for more IVF - I am trying to find peace that we are a family of four (instead of 5 or 6).

 

I used to feel the exact same way. I enjoyed being pregnant and wanted 2 pregnancies and 2 children. I told my husband that just b/c we had twins the first time that didn't mean that I didn't want a second pregnancy. I knew as soon as I had the twins that I wanted one more child. So after a couple years of me begging talking about it with my husband we decided to have another baby.

 

Yes and no... We adopted our twins, after a few unsuccessful IVF attempts. I never really wanted to get pregnant so I don't miss that, and honestly for us having twins was the best thing, as we only had to pay the fees once (and we're getting the tax credit back twice too so it cost us not much at all overall).

I actually think it's much better to have two the same age, I am really not too much into the baby/toddler stage and can't wait for them to be older so we can do more things together... we're getting there! If we had two of a different age we would always be held back by the youngest. What really gets to me though is that they will leave for college at the same time.

 

I think multiples changed my perspective on how many kids I wanted. I would always have said I only wanted two before. I have single baby envy sometimes.. I think having 1 infant to take care of and focus on would be nice . And it's true that you only get to have all the firsts once... and things are so hectic with twins that I often feel as though all those firsts rush by without me realizing that they happened. I also think that it's just an effect of having any kids.. you fall so in love with them it's natural to just want more. Right now my two are chasing each other around and trying on hats and giggling like crazy.. I'd love to fill the house up with that kind of love!

 

Yeah I'm a bit jealous of those new mommies who have one baby to take care of, and actually ENJOY it. But even if we had a singleton now, we'd still have the twins to take care of and it wouldn't be the same.

 

I had a singleton 3yrs before having the twins. I loved it and at times it was boring, but I am glad I had a singleton first. I totally enjoy playing with the twins and older ds. It has been hard work but well worth it.

I would love to have another baby but only if we were going to have 1. There were so many joys that I had with just my older ds when it was just him that is different than it is with the twins.

So, no you are not alone.

 

I felt the exact same way. As crazy as it was to have our surprise #3, I was honestly REALLY excited as soon as I found out. Deep down, I wanted the second pregnancy and the second baby stage. Even though it's not the same as having her by herself since I'm still chasing twins all day, it's still just such a joy to watch her going through those adorable baby milestones...the smiles and giggles that first melt your heart. My DH and I were just talking about how we feel like this baby smiles even more at us that the twins did because they spent so much time smiling at each other...not sure if that makes any sense, but it seems like they had a bond with each other from day one, even snuggling together in their cribs before they knew how to roll or crawl, where she just LOVES her mommy and daddy.

 

I know what you mean too! It's hard for me to believe that I might never experience all this again. I have kept all my baby stuff just in case though. However, I am like a PP who had a rough pregnancy and delivered my babies early. My husband feels like we lucked out and doesn't want to push our luck. I feel like I am more experienced this time and have better knowledge to successfully carry a baby. We'll see in the end, but I definitely want to be pregnant/have a baby/have one more.

 

I have felt that way many times. :hug: We too dealt with infertility and for us that (the infertility) was more reason to not go ahead and have another then the fact that we said we only wanted two. It really does suck that that stops us (and many others) from going for another... but I try and see what we have and not get to upset about it, but I do feel it. :hug:

 

I understand where you are coming from :hug: DH and I said that we only wanted two children and we certainly did not plan on having them at the same time :laughing: We knew that we would have our children close together because DH did not want to be father of an infant at age 40 (don't ask me why but that was his cut off) and he was 36 when I got pregnant. Even though I am confident that we are done, I still feel at times, I wonder what it would have been like with another baby. Would the twins love a brother or sister? How would our lives be? I think it's very easy to wonder about that path not taken :hug:

 

I know how you feel. While struggling with IF, I numerous times said I wouldn't care if it were twins...I just wanted A baby. However, when DH & I got married, we agreed we wanted 2 (even if they were 2 boys or 2 girls). DH grew up a single child, so he was adamant that we never had just 1, & I have 6 brothers (4 are step), so I was adamant that we have 2 so they can have siblings. That being said, I did NOT enjoy my childhood. Having twin brothers 6 years older than me was NOT fun. We never got along & I actually ended up being a spoiled princess.

So, when I had twin BOYS, I remember thinking that I could possibly relive my childhood, but as the parent! We cannot afford another baby right now (primarily due to childcare) & I honestly don't want 3 kids (definitely not 4). Logistically, 2 is perfect for us. 3 is not. And now that my boys are 3.5, I'm not sure I'm ready to go back to the baby phase or to have things challenging in regards to sleep times, leaving the house with them, vacationing, etc. Things are 'easy' now. And there's no way I could do fertility treatments again. Cost aside, the emotional (and physical TIME) aspect is just too exhausting. I can't add that stress to my already stressful life!

But, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't LONG to be pregnant again. I loved it, even if I spent 6 weeks on bedrest (2 in the hospital) & my entire 2nd half of my pregnancy worried that I was going to have preemies or any complication, really. I long for a daughter. I long for my children to have a younger sibling & not just each other.

I have saved all my baby stuff because I can't be certain that we're done. DH is done, but said he'd humor me if I wanted another . I just can't officially say we're done yet...I just can't. While I love my boys & love their bond, I am constantly wishing I had them...just at 2 separate times. There are pros to twins, but there are a lot of cons. I'm not sure which one outweighs which. I'm very torn on that one ! If you ask in regards to the fact that we only wanted 2 kids, I definitely wish I never had twins. But if you ask in regards to the two, sweet boys I have, then I'm glad I had twins. It's a toughie!

 

Couldn't agree more. So happy for what we have but I would have liked to go through pregnancy a second time...I really did love it. We have 6 sets of twins in our family and I am too scared to risk another set. We wanted 2. We have 2. We are done and as the girls get older and we can travel and do more as a family I think the feeling will fade. I am just thankful. But I totally hear ya!

 

It really helps for us... We can do so much more now, I can't imagine being stuck in the house again because of a baby! It's one of the really positive things about having twins... We have plans to go back to France to see my family in 2 years, and if we somehow got pregnant we'd have to cancel, for example... it's been 5 years since I went there! But yes I'd like to see what it's like to take care of a single baby, and I can't help thinking that it would be nice for them to have a little sister or brother... but with dh being 47, I think we realize that we're already lucky to have our kids.

 

DH & i only wanted two too & also told people we were excited about having twins because now we were all done! about a week after the girls were born though, we both had a moment of "welllll, maybe 1 more? but let's talk about it later." now we're TTC #3.

 

I'm relieved to know that I'm not alone! In my heart, I really do want another child and not just so I can do it all a second time. (But that would be part of it too.) Like another poster said, it would be nice to see what it is like to care for just one baby. My boys are 3 1/2 and will be starting preschool in the fall. They are getting old enough to be able to help out.

Then there's all of the benefits of being finished. Like several of you commented, we have finally reached the point where we can do more as a family. A baby would make that more difficult. Having another baby would even make it difficult for me to volunteer at my boys' school once they begin. I know parents do all of these things with a baby all of the time, so it is possible.

The other issue we have is our very small extended family. I posted on the infertility thread that I am an only child, my husband has one sister who lives almost and hour a way, his mom is a widow, and now my mom has stage IV bile duct cancer. Her prognosis is not good, but not totally hopeless either. We'll know soon if she is responding to chemo. But, with stage IV inoperable cancer, it's only a matter of time. Would I even want to have another baby if my mom was gone? That's a tough one. My husband and I need to decide what to do about our embryos in storage (my reason for posting on the other thread).

I may just have to accept that our family is complete. I really don't know. :unknw:

 

Yes and no for me. I always wanted 2 kids and I too was expecting one at a time. I have days I feel I miss that experience of having another pregnancy. My husband shudders to think of going through another pregnancy. He is scared of it. Literally. He got through the twin pregnancy with no morning sickness or complications. No bed rest and a non-complicated birth. But, to think about having another pregnancy to him is scary. He'd consider adoption, but our finances don't look to be able to cover the adoption at this time. I'd like to be pregnant again, but then there are the days I'm just satisfied to have gone through the experience I have had. Only one first birthday, etc. is enough I think for me at this time. I will cherish those moments. I do get to have some things twice as milestones happen at different times with twins, but other big moments I get to watch them both experience the time of their lives....something I don't think I'd see with a singleton the same way. I'd miss out on so many wonderful things if I had these boys separately.

 

I agree with you. I had very bad postpartum complications, including six weeks in a hospital an hour away from home and my babies. I missed out on almost all of the first six months of their lives. The only reason I had these complications is from the fact that I had carried twins and my body wasn't able to deal with the strain of it. So in that respect, I feel that having twins was horrible. I missed out on so much. Having another child is unthinkable and I am unable to have children due to the complications I had afterwards. The decision for us to have another was not one that we got to make. I would have had another child without a doubt if things hadn't turned out the way they did. However, I am glad that I have two happy healthy children. Things could have turned out much worse and I maybe wouldn't have been here to enjoy my children. In that respect, I have decided to take the good and bad of twins and turn it all to a positive since I am so grateful to be able to be here to enjoy them. It's been difficult for us since having twins is more of a challenge than having a singleton, but doubly rewarding in others. I certainly don't miss being pregnant and wouldn't have looked forward to another pregnancy, but I would love to experience the baby stage again and again and again - and that's what I missed with my twins. Instead, I get to enjoy that time with my nieces and nephews - even though I will admit to being jealous a bit.

 

I'm truly sorry for all of you! Here I've been worried since 1996 that I will never have a daughter and now I feel so selfish for feeling that way! GL to all of you!

 

Yes, I totally understand how you feel. After having the twins I longed for a normal pregnancy, delivery, and baby experience. Our twins were conceived by IVF. Surprise!! I got pregnant with baby #3, who is 21 months younger than the twins. It was the perfect pregnancy and delivery (totally different than my pregnancy with the twins). Now I am enjoying having an easy baby. She is such a joy and I'm glad God blessed us with her.

 

We were planning on only one pregnancy due to the fact that we didn't start TTC until I was 36. Understandably we were thrilled with twins and I remain thankful that my family includes two beautiful children. That being said, DH and I both talk about how it would be nice if we were younger and more financially stable so that we could bring a baby into the family. Wouldn't it be nice to go through a pregnancy that wasn't considered high risk, wouldn't it be nice to just have one baby and not have the over the top attention that twins bring. Wouldn't it be nice to have hold and cuddle a baby again?

 

Our twins just turned two and our baby is almost one...time is flying by too fast. Just tonight (after a very LONG day with the kiddos all by myself), I was looking back at pics of them from the day they were born until they were about three months old. What a sweet time it was, but I do remember how tired we were and how crazy life was for the first six months. Everything was such a blur and we were trying to keep up/survive as first time parents to twins. I have told my husband several times, I have a hard time remembering some of it. Did I appreciate each moment enough? Did I pay enough attention to what each baby was doing as an individual and not a set? I think I ask myself those questions more now because we did have another baby and having one is so different from having two. I do know that even on our hardest days, trying to juggle the needs and stages of two two-year olds and an almost-one year old, I wouldn't trade it for the world. In fact, lately I've been wondering how hard it would be to get DH to have his vasectomy reversed in a couple of years! Just kidding, sort of. I know the kids seem so big now compared to a year ago and their newborn days, but I also know that in another two years, they won't be babies at all. I'm just trying to hang on and enjoy each moment. We had three babies in 13 1/2 months; it feels like the "baby phase" of our lives started and ended so quickly. I totally get how you feel!

 

I am so happy to have a second pregnancy as with fertility problems it is also a twin pregnnacy. We are glad, I always wanted a big family and will love having 4 kids. At first i was sad this was my last pregnancy but it has been a hard one so right now I am glad i don't have to go though this agian. I will miss feeling the babies move though. Not sure I will get to "enjoy" it anymore this round with twins again, but so glad i got a second pregnnacy.

 

I don't post much but had to chime in on this one. I felt like most others I think. Were were also IVF and were thrilled that there were two thinking that we could be done if we wanted as we had planned on two children. However, I knew we weren't complete yet but going back to IVF seemed like something I didn't want to do because I did not want extra embryos left behind so even looked into "mini IVF." Adoption was always an option that we were very comfortable with but we hadn't been sure when to do it or if we were for sure going to do it at all. We were fine as a family of four but....well, you all know! So, long story short, we are now a family of 5 with three kids under 3 and they are all just 11 months apart (we went with International adoption and she was 17 months when she came home). They will all be two years old at the same time during the month of March! We're done, for now at least! We may adopt again in the future but I'm content saying we're done and seeing what happens. I was not content before so you know when you're done-people say that but I didn't understand before.

 

I can TOTALLY relate! I was just telling some friends about that tonight, actually. I think I'd be more likely to feel "done" after two if they were singletons.

 

I've had that same thought, too!

 

I feel this way all the time.....I love my twins to death, but would love to know how its like to be pregnant with one and to enjoy my pregnancy, My pregnancy with the twins, went by so fast, from being sick and back and forth to Drs appts etc...plus having them 10 weeks early!!! It still kills me till this day, that my babies were in the NICU for almost 2 months, and I missed out on alot, between giving them there first baths, feeding them all the time, cleaning there umbilical cord etc..that someone besides me was taking care of them , when I should of been the one.....

 

This is my DH's argument as well, but I still feel like I would only have one BABY to rock, carry, nurse, etc. The twins would be much older and probably going to school at this point. I know we would still have the chaos of having more than one child in the home, but also the confidence and routine of being parents already.

I agree that there is no way to ever recapture what it might have been like to bring one baby home the first time around, but there are things that were VERY complicated with two infants that would be possible with one infant and the twins (who could be no younger than 4 yo when said infant is born and probably more like 5 if it happens).

I also wanted to say that I come from a family of 3 children and I could not imagine my life without my younger brother. He adds such a great dynamic to our family and balances us out. He is one of my very best friends in the whole world and has been my rock in times of crisis. I am so thankful that my mom pushed my dad to have a third. My world would have a lot less love in it if it weren't for him (and his wife and children). These thoughts tend to contribute to my desire to have another child in addition to all the others mentioned.

 

Sully, I'm a third child myself (a surprise ) and I think that's part of the reason it would feel weird for me to stop at two. I have three siblings all together and love it; having just one sibling is hard for me to imagine.

And I do agree that having a singleton next time around would still be special even if you do have the twins to chase after. DH really doesn't want another until our boys are closer to 4 or so (if ever) so I'm hoping they could actually be in preschool a few mornings a week, which would also give me a little time with just the baby. (That and all those nighttime feedings. )