Does it still hit you like a ton of bricks?

:grouphug: I too understand each and everyone of you perfectly well... :grouphug:

 

we did 11 days in the NICU and although it was 6 months ago I still have bad dreams and think about it alot. I still feel like in a small way I failed them because my body wouldn't carry them to full term, at 34w2d we found out that Willa Grace (twin A) barely had 2cm of fluid surrounding her and I was sent home to get my bag and head to the hospital. I was so blessed with easy labor and was able to deliever them both vaginally but I remember clear as day the NICU nurse took Willa Grace the moment she was born I didn't even get to see her and took her right to the NICU and 7 minutes and 4 pushes later I got to see and kiss her brother Wyatt and dh got to carry him to the NICU. 15 minutes later I was taken back to my room(delievered in the OR just in case) and was told I had to wait til I could walk to go see them. I remember clear as day LYING to the nurse that I had all the feeling back in my legs and standing up to prove it and falling to the floor because still had zero feeling in my left leg. I guess they felt sorry for me because they took me down anyway. I am not sure what I was expecting but when they wheeled me in I couldn't breathe. They were seperated for the first time in 34weeks and so small. I was told they were among the biggest babies in the NICU at the time (our hospital didn't take micros) so at 4lbs they were big but to me OMG. I also remember the dr, Dr. Jandi telling me when through sobs I asked if they were going to make it say oh yes they are strong just have wet lungs. Then he followed that with you know JFK's son died at 34 weeks. WHAT! Thanks for that story! I begged my OB to let me stay in the hospital and got 1 more day out of her so I was there 4 days for a vaginal delievery. She put in my chart pain in the calf and possible blood clot so the insurance company would cover it. I did have pain but I doubt it was that bad. LOL. I was down there as often as I could and when I wasn't with them I was on the phone with their nurses or pumping. I remember feeling so torn because we have a 9 year old (8 at the time) who needed mommy to be at home but all I wanted to do was sit between them in the NICU. We were also blessed that one of their nurses was a woman from my MUM's(mothers understanding mothers) sort of like MOPS group who had been praying for them from the moment we found out we were pregnant and was still praying and now loving on them. She kept me sane. Even now, looking at them I can't be away from them for more than a few hours, people think I am nuts when I am out and start to get this panic feeling and know I need to get back to them and I just say look I was away from them for 11 days when they were born and that was enough.

 

do you also feel Cheated? As uncomfortable as I was because I was HUGE and it was HOT I now feel like I was cheated out of 6 1/2 weeks of just me and the twins. This (if dh has his way) was my last pregnancy and I LOVE being pregnant but it takes alot of time and money to get me that way. I feel like I lost something that I will never get back.

 

I'm not sure if I should post this here or even anywhere, but I think I need to get it off my chest and hope to find some recognition. My girls are now 15 months and a bit and sure our life is often hectic and chaotic, but it is not nearly as difficult as the first year was. So I'd think I would be over it by now, but no. Yesterday someone I know from high school announced her twin pregnancy and I simply couldn't help feeling a pang of jealousy. I assume without a real reason she'll be able to carry her babies longer than I was and to take them home immediately and go on to have a normal first year with two happy babies. Sometimes it seems everyone around me can go almost full term with their twins and I am the only exception giving birth at 34w2d. While I KNOW that isn't too bad, I always FEEL guilty and find myself wondering why her and not me? Especially if those expectant twin moms start complaining about the last weeks of their pregnancy... Argh, that really bugs me.

I am not hoping for other twin pregnancies to go wrong, mind you. And I hope I'm not offending anyone by trying to explain how I feel. I'm only a bit confused as to what I did wrong while pregnant and keep going over it in my head (I guess I got stuck there). Maybe I stressed too much, maybe I shouldn't have had the odd glass of diet coke while pregnant, maybe I should have waited till our house was properly finished (we were and still are in the process of 'building' it) and I got my degree (I finished my thesis while pregnant), maybe I should have gone to see the dentist earlier, maybe I should not have had those fries the day before I went into labour, maybe I should have been less lazy when I ran out of magnesium pills in what was going to be the last week of my pregnancy, maybe I should have quit working earlier than 32 weeks. I don't know I don't know I don't know.

Please share your thoughts on this very selfish and self-centered post?

 

You're not being selfish or self-centered at all. I totally understand what you're feeling and I think it's pretty normal. Nothing about our early deliveries was what you see on A Baby Story. A premature birth involves a ton of fear, and that's a normal thing to still carry with you.

It was absolutely not your fault. I have gone through the same questions (should I have put myself on pelvic rest, should I have not pushed so hard through the holiday festivities, etc) and there are absolutely no answers. The March of Dimes has been trying to understand the causes of prematurity for years!

I don't know if we'll ever stop being just a little jealous of "normal" pregnancies and delivery. I don't want any more kids, but I do want another pregnancy (does that even make sense??).

I understand. I think a lot of women (especially here) understand.

 

:hug: You aren't selfish. My girls are 4 and I still feel like I missed something because they were born early. We just "celebrated" the 4th anniversary of the day they came home from the NICU, and it still makes me teary to think of the day I was discharged without them. I would have thought that 4 years would heal those wounds.

 

April 21 was the 6th anniversary of the day mine came home after 10 weeks in the NICU, and I didn't even think of it until several days later . . . that's the first time that has happened.

I went from thinking about the early birth and NICU experience every single day for the first couple of years, to thinking about it every few days, and now - 6 years later - I think about it once every few weeks or so.

It definitely left a lasting impression.

The interesting thing is that my DH doesn't get it. He's totally over it. He feels that they're fine now, and that's all that matters. I agree that it is by far the most important thing, but it is not the only thing.

-Rachel