father not bonding with twins

it has been a month since the babies have been home... he takes care of them when I ask him to but
I just don't think he loves them...he holds them when I ask him to... and gets
annoyed when people at work ask about the babies... meanwhile I can't
wait to show them off...THis was a very planned pregnancy and we
both wanted to have kids. I aske him how come he doesn't go to
see them when he comes home from work and he said "why, they
are not doing anything"

 

My babies were in the NICU for 17 days. This was a very well planned pregnacy that we both wanted to have kids. When they were in the Nicu,
DH kept saying how he just wanted them to be home (he did go visit and changed diapers etc every night). Now that they are home
he does what ever I ASK him too but I feel that he never takes the initative unless I ask him to feed, change or hold them.
He stayed alone for 3 hours twice and he wasable to take care of them just fine, (thanks to the great
NICU nurses training) however, he never seemed happy to be with them or enjoy them.
When I go out,the first thing I do when I come back is go see them. When he comes back from work, if the babies are sleeping he doesn't
go see them. I asked him to take pics to make the baby annoucememt and has not done that either. THey have been
home for a month now. I just don't think he is proud of our children. meanwhile, I can't wait to show them off...((they are
really cute and growing very quickly
We are not sleep deprived since we do have our family that helps us....with everything. Like most man, he
does not communicate either....Any advice??????

:mellow:

 

well, my husband was tired, scared, and worried about how he was going to support two new people in the family. I know all that stressed him to no end. I also went through severe PPD and he had to take care of me along with two newborns, so while it seems he isn't bonding, every second he spends with those babies will help bring everyone closer together. don't puch him talking to you, if he needs to talk he will come to you, hopefully.

 

Becoming a parent is a huge adjustment for anyone. You and dh just got two babies, and that is even more HUGE! To top it off, it is a rough start to have your children in the NICU like they were. Be patient and keep encouraging him to do things. I bet he is really enjoying them and proud of them, but isn't as expressive as you are. My dh doesn't always peek at ours when they are sleeping and he works 24 hour shifts. I think everybody is different, and there really can be a lot of difference between moms and dads.

Hugs, Lisa

 

no advice, just :hug: my dh is the same way. he wasnt there when they were born (military), came home 2 days after they were born and stayed 5days. saw them again when they were 2 1/2 months old (0 months corrected). ive found that talking about it helps. he is proud of them, but not nearly as much as me. and when he gets home from work he doesnt really pay any mind to them. if i say, hold one, feed one, change one he'll do it happily, but he doesnt really interact with them. we talked about it a few nights ago and he said, "i know its kinda late but i dont think im gonna be a really good dad" its not true at all, hes just not a BABY kinda person and thats okay! maybe your dh just isnt into the whole baby thing. i know once mine get older and start sitting up/crawling/etc he's gonna have tons of fun! right now theyre kinda boring to him! lol. :hug: again and talk about it. just bring it up like, do you like the infant stage? its kinda dull isnt it? it got my dh to open up!

 

I think it is a super huge adjustment for husbands. My DH is a great father but we used to fight about stupid things like getting up to feed he wasn't great at sleep deprivation and I don't think they believe there is much to do but feed them and change them, I guess boring stuff a mom can do or they just feel useless. I think when they see the babies start actually babbling, communicating, crawling being a little person it clicks. I'm so sure it will not last. For us, the first 6 months was very difficult sleep deprivation can do lots of things, you are also trying to find a happy medium...it will get better.

 

Hang in there and give him some time. My DH was the same way. He did take a month off when our girlies finally came home from the NICU and in that month he spent most of the time cooking, cleaning, helping me get organized instead of holding, cuddling and bonding with babies. He was good about helping with feedings (day and night) and preparing all the bottles....but that was it. He claaimed there was always something else to be done. I felt bad complaining, because I knew stuff needed to get done. The girlies are 2 now and watch out when its time for daddy to come home. I am chopped liver and they can do no wrong! He is so giddy in love with them I am secretly jealous. I think for some dads its hard on them to show "admiration" for a little one. We also had a planned PG, but he even admits now.... I was just going to do all the "house stuff" and you take care of them. Now...its a completely different stor and he secretly loves it when I leave them with him alone.
Give your DH some time. The more they are together and longer they are there....he'll start to see how wonderful it can be. For now, enjoy your babies...I loved that newborn stage. They are jsut so sweet.
Take Care,
jena

 

Mine wasn't stand-offish about talking about them at work or whatever, but it took him longer to "bond" with them. Once he got a few rewards - giggles, smiles and as they get older even he's more and more bonded with them. Back then, they are just plain a bunch of work! So, I think while we have all this time with them growing inside us - our relationship with them is WAY different at the beginning. :hug: I would watch. I am betting he's going to get more and more involved when the rewards are greater (rewards is the only word I could come up with....)

 

Some guys are just not comfortable with the infant stage. My bff dh was always better once they were a little older and could do stuff. My dh in the beginning would do what I asked him to do but would not just change them or anything like that. He would hold them and go see them though. He was always sharing pictures and talking about them. He was also more likely to stop and talk with strangers about them. Now that they are a little bigger I have noticed he is more likely to take the initiative to do what was needed without me asking. Your dh will get it, it will take time for some. Congrats and good luck.

Jen

 

Dh is the ULTIMATE kid guy, but it took him months (at least) to bond with our kids. Especially twins. YIKES!
Don't worry about it. Wait till they smile, laugh, giggle, you won't BELIEVE the response. Now DH comes home and I am chopped liver! They all run to him! One of the twins runs with arms open wide every night. He can't get enough of them. It will come, don't worry.

 

i skimmed some of the previous posts...basically my husband found the newborn stage very very difficult. I'd say he turned a corner around 7-8 months and really in the last six months - he just loves the kids. Seriously it will come, just give him the space he needs.

Heck, I'm still waiting to fully bond with the kids. I think it's a lifelong process.

 

I know some people love the newborn stage, but I did not enjoy it at all. It's grueling work and very little reward. I've heard this from other parents of twins too - for the first few months, a lot of them feel more like a babysitter than a parent. Or as a twin mom I ran into at the park put it, "I felt more like a manager than a mother." I can really empathize with your DH. And just as I came around, he will too. It's a lot easier to bond with the babies when they're older - there's more to bond with. Just continue to give him opportunities to be alone with the babies - and give him a chance to escape from parenthood now and then too. It is a really, really hard adjustment.

 

We have an older child and the twins and I can honestly say that there was a very clear difference in the bonding for my husband... Now he is definately bonded with them and holds them cuddles them ect... I think that two babies are just so intense, and men don't have as much expereince with babies that part off it is fear... It will get better, and he will bond with them as he becomes more confident that he can provide what they need. :hug: :hug: :hug:

 

Heck I found the newborn stage difficult, not just DH - it's hard to bond with babies that don't interact with you at all. I just saw them as a ton of work in the beginning and no payback. It did start getting better for DH and I when we started to get smiles, giggles and to see the babies personalities! It will come. Give him some time. They are still very young.

 

My dh and I are not fighters but we were those couple of months after the babies arrived. Leave the house as often as you can to put him solely in charge of the babies. If you are there, then he feels you will do everything. Guys need time to bond too and they can only do it when they are put in charge of them. I think me also get scared on how they will be able to financial afford things and worry if they have lost their wife forever to the babies. I'm sure they miss things they way they were. Many man kick in more when the babies are more into toddler years and more expressions and talking.

Heather

 

No advice but :hug: to you! I think your DH needs time to adjust. Having a baby, let alone twins is a huge adjustment! If things do not improve, I would try to share your concerns with him.

 

mine was the same way and it made me so upset, but it really did get better when he could interact with them more! Sorry your going through this i know its hard! :hug: :hug: :hug:

 

Hes prob just nervous and exhausted, Give him time to adjust. A baby is a big thing to get use to, esp. 2 of them. If things dont change soon sit him down and have a talk with him. Sorry--Sending big hugs