Feeling bad, and guilty about it (long)

Let me preface this vent by saying that I am truly thankful for my babies, and I love them very much and wouldn't change them for the world. Maybe that's why i'm feeling so guilty about how I'm feeling lately.
I'm feeling a bit resentful that not one thing about my whole pregnancy/motherhood experience has been 'normal'. I first had my first pang of this when I left the twins at home with DH and ran out to WalMart and there was a lady there with a baby about the same age as mine and I thought "Wow, how easy it must be to just take the baby with you." Ever since then there have been lots of times that I've felt this way.
It took us over 3 years to get pg ad had to resort to fertility treatments (Clomid + IUI). I'm sure to anyone who had to go through IVF, this is the easy way so I should be thankful we didn't have to go further into treatment but it would have been nice to get pregnant by just having sex. It's alot less stressful and way cheaper.
Then I had the twin pregnancy to deal with, ended up with a c-section that I wasn't really thrilled about, couldn't nurse because it was just too much for me with 2 and an incision, and now caring for 2 babies I don't feel like either gets enough attention from me.
My mom told me the other day how she loved night feedings because it was just her and me and the house was all quiet and she could give me all her attention. That just made me think about how stressful feedings are for me because as I'm feeding one my ear is always cocked listening for the other waking up, or making sure they're not spitting up, etc. I feel like I can't ever enjoy my babies because one or the other always needs something so I rarely get a chance to just look at them or cuddle them unless they're crying or in need.
A friend of mine was complaining about how much work her new baby is and I wanted to smack her because it just seems so much easier with one.
I know lots of people would kill to be in my shoes and have 2 beautiful babies, I feel so guilty for feeling this way. I know it's a special thing to have twins but part of me feels like I'm missing out on alot too because of the logistics of 2 babies It's just an endless cycle of feed, burp, change and by the time it's done it's time to start over again.

 

Let me preface this vent by saying that I am truly thankful for my babies, and I love them very much and wouldn't change them for the world. Maybe that's why i'm feeling so guilty about how I'm feeling lately.
I'm feeling a bit resentful that not one thing about my whole pregnancy/motherhood experience has been 'normal'. I first had my first pang of this when I left the twins at home with DH and ran out to WalMart and there was a lady there with a baby about the same age as mine and I thought "Wow, how easy it must be to just take the baby with you." Ever since then there have been lots of times that I've felt this way.
It took us over 3 years to get pg ad had to resort to fertility treatments (Clomid + IUI). I'm sure to anyone who had to go through IVF, this is the easy way so I should be thankful we didn't have to go further into treatment but it would have been nice to get pregnant by just having sex. It's alot less stressful and way cheaper.
Then I had the twin pregnancy to deal with, ended up with a c-section that I wasn't really thrilled about, couldn't nurse because it was just too much for me with 2 and an incision, and now caring for 2 babies I don't feel like either gets enough attention from me.
My mom told me the other day how she loved night feedings because it was just her and me and the house was all quiet and she could give me all her attention. That just made me think about how stressful feedings are for me because as I'm feeding one my ear is always cocked listening for the other waking up, or making sure they're not spitting up, etc. I feel like I can't ever enjoy my babies because one or the other always needs something so I rarely get a chance to just look at them or cuddle them unless they're crying or in need.
A friend of mine was complaining about how much work her new baby is and I wanted to smack her because it just seems so much easier with one.
I know lots of people would kill to be in my shoes and have 2 beautiful babies, I feel so guilty for feeling this way. I know it's a special thing to have twins but part of me feels like I'm missing out on alot too because of the logistics of 2 babies It's just an endless cycle of feed, burp, change and by the time it's done it's time to start over again.

 

I have glimpses of feeling like that too. Sometimes I think how I got 2 with the one pregnancy and I really don't want to go through another pregnancy so I am so greatful. ( I have 4 kids)

It's just a special special experience and I am so lucky to be one of the mothers that can experience it.

It's normal to feel the way you do I feel all those things too but when those two little faces look up at me I just couldn't pick one

Just remember how special you are.


Lana
Mom to Joshua and Rachel
14 mo

 

Just wanted to let you know you are not alone- and- it will get better.

I remember my first pang of feeling badly-the girls were 6 weeks old and I was at the park with my double stroller and the girls and DH. There was a mom there with a 6 month old baby laying on a blanket laughing and playing and I thought "I can't ever do that with 2 at a time". I couldn't even get to the park by myself- It felt awful.

DH and I incorporated a plan where we were each in charge of one baby at night-night feedings, wakings, changings. And, we would switch babies each night so that we had equal time with each. As they get a little older and you gain strength and confidence, you will find you are able to handle two at a time almost as easily as someone handles one. You develop patterns and schedules and it will get easier.

Now that the girls are older, DH and I try to get one on one time with each gal. DH will take one gal out shopping and I will take one out to lunch and then we meet up at the end of the day. It is so nice.

Also- as they get older, you will appreciate that they have eachother to play with. It will free you up to get things done, make a phone call or just sit and watch them play together. It's wonderful.

Hang in there mama! I feel for you so much. Sending you good vibes and hugs.

Lisa

 

I have felt the exact same way from the beginning and sometimes still do. A friend with one baby that cries alot says that my two are so good that they are easier than her one. I ask her (just like you said), how many times when you were holding your one crying child did you have to wonder if another baby would - wake, roll into the coffee table, fall over when trying to learn to sit up, get hungry, etc. I many times will look at one of my sweet little girls and feel bad that I am not able to give all of the snuggles and attention that all babies deserve. But, then I think about the other one no longer being there, and suddenly those thoughts go away. I just can't imagine how I would cope, now that I have met them both. Also, as said in pp, pretty soon you will be able to sit back for a few moments here and there and just watch them smile at each other, steal each others pacifiers, babble and play together - finally reap the benefits of two at time. (My friend with one has to treck to my house for baby play time!!!) Hang in there! Stephanie

 

I didn't have trouble getting pregnant, but I totally understand what you mean about taking care of the twins. I often do feel like I don't get to truly appreciate each child because I am in crisis mode. Trying to deal with one before the other has to be dealt with. I think it is totally normal to feel this way, especially if they are your first kids. I am finding it to be a life altering experience-beyond my wildest dreams. On the other hand, I am so thankful to have two because I don't ever want to be pregnant again.

 

Believe me, I totally understand. I also went through IVF to have my babies and thought many times "I just wanted ONE baby, not two!!" Especially when I would be feeding both babies, a bottle in each hand and then I had to sneeze, or I'm changing one and the other is wailing, I'm holding a baby and rocking the other with my foot in her carrier.
I know I didn't believe it when mine were newborns, but I really do have those "I'm lucky to have twins" moments now. Having twins is all I know, so I honestly do wonder now what moms with singletons at this age do. What would I do with just one baby? Today they were having their snack and Bea was feeding Ainsley, and then at lunch Ainsley fed Bea. It was the cutest thing!
Those moments will come for you. I still do think sometimes about how easy it would be to get out with just one, but that's normal for a twin mom.

Just remember, your job right now is to keep them alive. Don't worry about how much individual attention they are each getting, they will and do get plenty of attention.

Hang in there!

 

Thanks so much everyone, it's really great to get advice from people who 'get it'

 

Ditto the pps -- I think we all feel it sometimes. Two babies just isn't what most people were envisioning when they entered this process.

It gets much better as they start to become more independent of you -- mine are only 3 months, and already I have much more time to actually enjoy them because I can read their cues better and they can each sit and entertain themselves for a bit while I play with the other one.

Also -- I've found that I can talk myself into feeling like I can't do things because there are two (go to the park, get errands done), but at the times I am forced to (we have to go to the drugstore to get medicine, for example) it turns out to be more manageable than I thought. I'm really trying to force myself to do as many of those things as possible and not get stuck in the house thinking I could never manage both.

 

I think you are totally normal!!! It is hard, but eventually you'll be out there with both and you'll be the center of attention and will realize just how special you are because you have and love TWO at ONCE!!!

You are in a really tough time of their lives. I guess the thing to tell you is to think big picture at this point. Don't dwell on the fine details. If you spend 15-30 secs. talking to them each at a feeding and tell them how loved they are, you are doing great!! Sing a song (You are my sunshines, my only sunshines!) and it'll make everyone feel better!!

It's going to get better and you'll be ok! They will both feel loved and cared for. Hang in there!! IT DOES GET MORE FUN!

 

I am a new "poster," but have been reading the forums here since I was PG with my b/g twins. Now that they are 3 weeks old, I find myself really drawn to this first year forum to help make sense of my feelings... and I just want to say THANK YOU for posting this!!

I have been feeling the exact same way and have been in tears every day, several times a day and just so overwrought with the whole massively overwhelming drowning feelings, too. I feel like I am living in triage mode constantly and just think that the babies must surely sense my frustration and sadness. I just feel like I can't focus on each child enough, just as you and the others here have said. I adore them and hate it that I feel this way.

It is SO helpful to read from the more veteran members here that we are not crazy and that in fact it will get better. I really cling to that hope with all my being, because right now I am just sinking big time and live in constant fear of both of them wailing at the same time. I love them so very much, but am having such a hard time feeling like I can give each of them enough one-on-one attention.

Anyway, I just wanted to post to acknowledge that you are so so not alone , and to thank everyone for taking the time to let us new twin moms know that we are going to make it.

 

I felt this way for a couple of weeks in the beginning, but I always tried to remember that people with 1 might have an easier time now, but we are the lucky ones who get double smiles, laughs, and love from 2 babies. It may be hard to leave the house now (and maybe forever) but the rewards we will get are so worth it. Sometimes I feel as if I don't know what I would do with 1 baby.

 

Do not feel guilty about how you feel. I think it is really normal to feel that way...especially after trying for so long to have a baby. You tried for 3 years with the dream of a beautiful baby and a happy life. I'm sure you never pictured themidnight feedings, the poopy diapers, and the hours of crying. Now you have 2 babies and it doesn't match up with your dream - therefore - I think your feelings are quite expected.

Here is my advise
1) If you think it MIGHT be depression call your doctor. Don't wait until you KNOW it is depression. It takes meds 4-6 weeks to work. The early you get them the better. There is nothing wrong with taking meds if they help you to be a better, happier mom
2) It gets better. I think getting to the 3 1/2 month mark was extremely helpful. Then the 6 month mark is a miracle. I think having 2 babies is about the same as having 1 (you just do things twice) So there is hope and I promise you that one day you will tell your friend with 1 babies how LUCKY you are to have twins and that she is missing out on an amazing experience

Have hope!

 

It's an incredible amount of work. It's double the pleasure, and double the trouble-Truly!!

I very often miss my old life too-it was so much easier!

However, I have to stop and look at it this way. Not everyone is chosen by God/Universe to be parents of twins. Whether we know it or not, we were all chosen to do this because of our strong capabilities...

 

Your story is my story except instead of clomid we did shots. I was just telling DH yesterday that when I hear my friends of singletons complain I want to yell at them to "Suck it up"! I love my babies more than anything and wouldn't trade them in for anything. I am so lucky to be a part of the special group of women who are moms of twins, triplets, etc...Anyway, there are times of incredible difficulty and I want to cry or just need a break. Then there are moments of shear joy. Listening to them in the morning laugh and babble to each other, watching them play and wrestle, kissing each other at night, etc. So hang in there, your babies don't know any different and will just assume that all moms do what you do. Mine are independent little imps and I think it is because I can't always be there.
Hang in there!

 

I totally get it. When mine were your age, I barely felt I had time to get online. It is somuch easier with one I think.. but hang in there it will get better.

Sincerely,
Stacy

 

I can understand the way you feel. It took us 3+ years, 3 failed IUI's, surgery, and finally a successful IVF cycle to get pregnant. Then at 16 weeks I had an emergency cerclage and spent the rest of my pregnancy (15 weeks) on bedrest. Four of those weeks were hospital bedrest.

Then my babies were born at 31 weeks and had 5 and 6 weeks of NICU time. So as preemies, we just don't go out in public ever.

So I missed out on a normal pregnancy, a normal birth, and a normal newborn period. Instead of BF'ing I pumped for 6 months.

But now I have very healthy babies who are double the blessing. All so worth it!

 

I still sometimes feel guilty that my kiddos don't get the individual attention that singletons do. We also had fertility issues except did injections after Clomid. I did not appreciate my kiddos until they were more than a year old...maybe you don't want to hear that but I want to be totally honest! BUT I suffered from ppd and didn't get help until they were 13 mos old. I wish I had done it sooner b/c I would have enjoyed more of the early time. It hurts me to think of where you are now, but it truly gets easier. Get help if you need it, find other moms you can talk to, and realize it is OK to feel overwhelmed and stressed and wonder what became of your life...it isn't your life anymore it belongs to 2 more people !! Weird huh?

I used to say I wouldn't wish twins on my worst enemy, and now I feel a little sorry for people who have them one at a time!! Watching them together is so incredible, as pp have said. It bothered me more than I can express when my singleton mommy friends complained about lack of sleep or how hard it was for them....UM HELLO? But it bothered me more when they told me how perfect and easy their lives were with a new baby...GRRRRR especially when I woke up everyday thinking this being a mom thing was going to kill me! I used every excuse I could to get away from home, and now I can't stand to be away for more than a few hours!! IT DOES CHANGE!

We are all here to support you!!