having some issues keeping my cool

Discussion in 'The Toddler Years(1-3)' started by newtothis, Jun 12, 2011.

  1. newtothis

    newtothis Well-Known Member

    i have some questions and need some advice now that my LOs are two.

    one of my LOs whines - constantly. he is allllllwaaaays whining and today i really lost it on him and i feel AWFUL. it was one of my worst moments as a mommy. (how much does a two year old remember? i would leave his side until he fell asleep...i dont want him to remember me like that in the morning.)
    i feel like ALL i do is constantly raise my voice at him. im not sure what to do. he whines, bites and hits his brother and i've tried everything...time outs in the corner, trying to make him feel bad and give his brother a hug.
    im at a loss.

    any advice?
  2. miss_bossy18

    miss_bossy18 Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    I have one daughter who is a whiner. It absolutely pushes my buttons. I've had success with telling her "I don't understand you because you're whining. What did you say?" It took awhile, but now she knows that if she wants something or needs something, whining isn't going to get her anywhere.
  3. MichB

    MichB Well-Known Member

    Hi - isn't whining awful? It is like nails on a chalk board to me. I agree, I have had luck saying "I'm sorry sweetie, that voice hurts my ears, when you can ask in a normal voice i will help you. this usually works really well. In the times that it doesn't work and my child keeps whining or gets more upset and acts out, I do a classic 3 chances then time out. If all else fails and I'm losing my patience I will leave the room to go to the bathroom and take a breather then come back refreshed. Often this is enough time for my kids to have moved on to something else.

    I'm kind of using a cross between the methods in the Happiest toddler on the block book, and the 1-2-3 Magic Parenting books and the combo seems to work really well....

    Good luck
  4. Heathermomof5

    Heathermomof5 Well-Known Member

    Addison was my biter, poor Ava looked like she had ringworm she had such bad bites on her at times. The only thing that stopped that in it's tracks was when I let Ava bite her back but they were over 3 when that happened. She hasn't bit since. . At 2 kids know that when they get bit it hurts them but cannot put it together that when they bite someone else it hurts the other person same with hitting.

    My twins are not too bad about whining but my boys have been known to whine even now as old as they are. I ignore the heck out of it, always have. It is funny because eventually one of them will say " you know she does not hear you when you speak whine" LOL!! And I don't!!! That is the quickest way to get the opposite of what you want from me!!

    Your son will wake up in the morning and be fine, don't worry!! what ever is going on in the morning will be his focus, not you loosing your cool! His life will continue on as normal, you are the one who will beat yourself up for it but you should not!!! You are a great mom - everyone has moments like that!!
  5. kingeomer

    kingeomer Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    I've done the same. I've told both of my kids that I don't understand them when they whine and to speak in their big kid voice. Unfortunately, tantrums are part of this age and as hard as it is for me, I have found the less attention I give tantrums, the faster they end. I would say with undesirable behaviors (biting, hitting) is to be consistent with your discipline and eventually he will come around.
    I've also lost it on my kids and have found it's better when I calm down and they calm down to just apologize for freaking out and tell them sometimes Mommy needs a time out too.
  6. Fran27

    Fran27 Well-Known Member

    DD is a whiner too. She doesn't care one bit if I tell her that I don't understand her, so I usually just end up ignoring her... but it drives me nuts. I've lost it on my kids a couple times too, so you're definitely not alone, although in my case it's because they were getting into stuff, as usual.
  7. Dielle

    Dielle Well-Known Member

    I've had a couple whiners and I do this same thing. Even with my older kids, sometimes I'll tell them that I want to hear whatever they're saying, if they can say it in a voice that doesn't annoy me or give me a headache. And I'll interrupt with "Nope, try again" (which sometimes even gets them laughing). Spencer was a contrary kid. He was my grumpiest baby, my grouchiest toddler, a biter (which none of my other kids had been), and would just melt into hysteria if things didn't go his way. Then he started talking. And he talks quite a lot for a 2 year old. Suddenly he is sooooo much more pleasant almost all the time. He still has his moments (after all, he's only 2) and when he screeches I want to jam pencils in my ears. But I think he was just so frustrated at not being understood. Even as a very little guy, it was obvious he was understanding us much more than you'd expect from someone his age. I'd ask one of my older kids to do something and he'd run off and go do it (or try). But now that we can understand him, he's able to let us know what he needs/wants and doesn't have to be so whiny.

    Another thing to consider is something my mom has always said (she was a school teacher, so had experience with lots more than just her own kids)... if a child can't be first best, often they'll resort to first worst. Negative attention is still attention. So maybe spending more time with him when he's happy, pleasant or just on an even keel might help ward off some of those moments that are so frustrating. And after a timeout or other discipline, give him lots of hugs and let him know that you love him no matter what. Then he's getting the unconditional love message and getting mommy's attention at times when he hasn't done something negative to get it.

    Also, once in awhile I need a timeout. If I feel myself losing my cool, I go in the bathroom or bedroom and collect myself (personally, a quick prayer helps, too). I have older kids, so I can do that pretty quickly, but even when I just had toddlers, I'd make sure they were in a safe place (in the crib, etc) then go sit on the porch or lay on my bed for a minute or two or six. Even if they get a little upset, it's better than me turning into a screaming banshee at them.
    1 person likes this.
  8. betha

    betha Well-Known Member

    Dielle posted with similar thoughts and said it better!

    My DS has always been our most challenging baby and toddler. Around 2, his language was not much. He really just started talking at 2. As his language improved, he has been much better. I agree with making sure you spend positive time with your little button pusher. It takes effort, but makes a big difference. My DS is 3 now and he is much better. He is able to express himself verbally and he has more patience and tolerance.

    I also used the Mommy timeout in the bathroom when I didn't want to scream at him!
  9. TwinsInOkinawa

    TwinsInOkinawa Well-Known Member

    I also read somewhere you can think or say "what are you, two?". And it works for whatever age - your four year old colors all over the table?" what are you, four?", your sixteen year old doesn't come home at curfew?, "what are you, sixteen?".

    Anyway, for me, it kinda breaks the tension in my brain and allows me to deal with the whine or the biting or whatever was happening better and usually without being mad or frustrated.
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