How do you handle "accidents" that are due to laziness?

My boys have been day potty trained since January. There are very few times anymore when I adjust their age; for potty training I did. So, in actuality they trained when they were 3 years 3 months old, but I considered their brains to have been exactly 3 years old (born 3 months early)--if that makes sense.

So, fast forward four months and DS1's underwear are ALWAYS somewhat wet. Well, I should clarify that. He is not wet when he comes home from school (nursery school for 3 hours, 2 mornings/week) and during a few other select activities, interestingly. I've really just gotten used to it. But, frequently enough he's wet to the point that his underwear need to be changed. And, then we have days like today. When I came home from grocery shopping I noticed that his original underwear and shorts were in the bathroom, so I knew there had been an "accident" to the point that he needed them changed. Then, later today he actually peed his pants to the point that the carpet underneath him was wet and he was wet again 30 minutes later. I really believe this to be laziness and him just being so caught up in something or distracted that he doesn't bother telling us that he has to go (and we STILL ask and physically take him regularly).

About a month ago I started making him get in the downstairs shower stall (no bathtub) when he is pretty wet. My initial thought was that I have to rinse him off, but then I realized it might also help him control himself better because he doesn't particularly like the shower. So, suffice to say, I have been showering him multiple times per week and maybe running the water a little cooler than I would otherwise. Well, tonight I did this and then he proceeded to wet himself again 30 minutes later.

So, my questions are: 1. Is the shower thing too harsh? He does cry and resist it. But, tonight it didn't seem to make a bit of difference (and I felt a bit badly, to be honest). 2. Could he really have some issue going on and I'm "punishing" him for something he can't control? I tend to doubt that there is any physical or anatomical problem with him. And, even if I adjust his age, he's nearly 3 1/2 years old adjusted (over 3 1/2 in actuality), so it's not as if I'm forcing this on a 2 year old.

One last point I should make is that this does tend to go along with DS1's personality. While a very bright, explorative child, he can be lazy about many things.

Thanks for your thoughts.

 

I would not consider this to be laziness at this age. He is still pretty young. My two are four and I still have to remind one of them to go potty. I have one that has lots of close calls because he completely ignores the call of nature until he really has to go. He just doesn't want to stop what he is doing.

You might try stepping back a bit and making him go potty more often (a lot more often maybe even set a timer). Preschools typically have a very strict bathroom break schedule. You may just need to do the same at home for awhile. And don't ask if he needs to go. 9 times out of 10 he will say no if he is busy playing with something.


Age has absolutely nothing to do with potty training. There has to be a brain/body connection. You can't force it. He might just not have the connection between brain and bladder yet. I wouldn't make a big deal out of any accidents. If anything I would make zero deal out of the accidents and make a huge deal out of any successes.

He will get it.

 

Agree with PP. At almost 5 my girls still go through phases of having accidents and they've been using the potty for almost 2 years now. When we're going through a bad accident phase, we just do more scheduled bathroom trips, try to be chill about the accidents, have the girls help clean up and remind them ad nauseum to listen to their bodies/that their toys will be there after they're done/etc.

 

Ditto the other two brilliant ladies. My twins turned 4 in feb, my daughter has been potty trained since shortly after they turned 3. But my son still consistently wets himself. Some days he'll do great, today he didn't have one accident. Yesterday he had 4. I continue to remind him to go if it's been more than an hour since he went and I continue to take extra underwear and pants with us everywhere we go. I try not to make a big deal out of it, if he resists going I just remind him that he's trying to be a big boy and he needs to go to the bathroom more often.

But if he's engaged in an activity, there's a greater chance he's going to wet himself. Playing on the kindle, or playing with toys in his room, or playing outside. I really have to pay attention to how long it's been since he last went.

And he's nowhere even remotely close to being night trained. He still has a soaking wet pullup in the morning. I 100% believe he's just not quite physically ready to be potty trained. It's frustrating sometimes, and I'll admit I have gotten upset occassionally, but most of the time if he has an accident I just remind him to go change his clothes, he puts the wet stuff in the dirty clothes basket and gets out clean underwear himself. I only rinse him if he really soaks himself. Most of the time it's just a dribble here or there.

 

The only physical thing you may want to rule out is constipation. If he is chronically constipated it can cause accidents. (Chronically constipated kids can and do poop daily).

 

My youngest trained at 3 years, 11 months. Seriously! I was getting so fed up, but it was because he could not FEEL it. He was poop trained a few months earlier. Every time I would put him on the toilet he would go potty. I would have him go, put underwear on him and then head up to Target (20 minutes away) and his pants would always be wet when we got to the store. It wasn't that he was trying to wet them, was lazy or just didn't care. He could not feel that he needed to go.
If you are going to keep him in underwear, you need to have him sit on the toilet (or stand up) every 30 minutes throughout the day. I would dare say that If he is "always wet", he is not potty trained. It might be that he is just not ready yet. I had a hard time with the fact that Evan was almost 4 when he potty trained. I would say that chilly shower is not a good idea. I don't feel punishment is going to help him understand that he is not supposed to wet his pants.

 

I'm done with the shower, even though I like to rinse him. While it definitely isn't chilly, I also didn't want it to feel like a reward to him. Once he thanked me for the nice warm shower, so that didn't seem right either.
I do think he is potty trained, at least to a large extent, judging by the big picture (when we're out and about, school, etc.). I guess this is just a much longer process than I expected... and maybe because his twin brother does so well, I think he should be able to do the same. But, of course, I realize that they're different children.
I do believe DS1 feels it and knows when he has to go (he does come and tell us sometimes for pee and always for poop). I think the little accidents are him starting to go and then stopping himself, but not wanting to be bothered with actually going to the potty.
That said though, I am going to back off and I appreciate your advice and experience. I think he just needs more time to make the connection. I'll try to downplay it and just have him change himself. I'll also take him more frequently (I really do take him quite a bit right now). I have been frustrated by it, but that's my problem, not his ;-). Thanks again.

 

We started to potty train just after three. My five year old son still has accidents. Trust me when I say there is NOTHING you can do to make a child who isn't ready physically or mentally be potty trained. And half of what you do ends up inadvertently hurting more than helping. We've tried rewards, punishments (bad idea), cajoling, ignoring, cheering, and anything else you can think of. He is stubborn and perfectionistic and it's a control/fear of failure thing with him. I am so sympathetic to your frustration. That thing they say about how kids won't go to kindergarten not potty trained (ha ha). I think Jack might.

 

I agree with Rachael that there's nothing you can do to convince a child who isn't ready. We just recently potty trained; at 3 years, 10 months after more than a year of trying solidly. Miles was more or less overnight once I took his pullups away, although we struggled getting him comfortable with the poop for a while. Ozzy still has accidents because he just plays too hard and isn't as worried about messing himself. The first few weeks of daycare were a nightmare for him. Now we go back to basics every time he has a bad couple of days and get him on the potty every 1/2 hr and we work it into our play/activity schedule. We reward him at the end of the day if he stays dry with a tv show, stickers, or sometimes dessert, so he has a goal every day. If he has an accident he has to put all of his laundry away and help me clean up too, which is a motivator for him.

Neither is night trained. Occasionally we have a run of a few dry pullups and I think about switching them, and then they just start having wet pullups again. I am not going to fight that battle for a few months yet, and then I'll start talking them up about it long before we make the switch.

It's really hard not to get all worked up about it sometimes because it always seems to happen at the worst time (is there ever a good time to clean up pee?) but he's definitely gotten more responsible about it over time. It's hard for me to remember that they've got so much going on in their brains all the time that it's easy to forget a habit. Sometimes I think parenting is just being like an eternal reminder alarm.

 

I agreed with pps. We have been having good months. And lately (past couple weeks) my daughter has many accidents. It's like she tries her best to hold until she can't and pees a bit in her underwear then she rushes to the bathroom. It really doesn't help even gets worse if I punish her or yell at her. I found out the best is just start the trainjng over again, remind her to go every hour. The harder I am on her, the more nervous and confused she will be though. I just accept there is no fast solution for this. Gl!