How do you teach a child to be comfortable in their own skin?

Discussion in 'Childhood and Beyond (4+)' started by sharongl, Jun 4, 2009.

  1. sharongl

    sharongl Well-Known Member

    I am starting to think that this is Marcus' "problem". He has never been happy with public praise, and really does not like when someone talks about him. He is fine when I praise him one on one, but doesn't like me to share. In his class "performances", he is more concerned about who is watching him than performing--even when he knows his part dead on. He actually was awful when my parents came to watch him play baseball (by awful, I mean, not paying attention, and fooling around--when he normally doesn't act that way). He said it was because he didn't want Grandma and Grandpa watching him.

    The thing is, he is really a bright kid, and should be able to brag about himself. He makes friends easily, and kids do like him.

    So, how do I help him to see that it is OK to shine?
     
  2. jxnsmama

    jxnsmama Well-Known Member

    Wow, Sharon, that's a tough question. I get that just a little bit with Hayden. He tends to be more shy than the others, and he'll sometimes refuse if I ask him to tell a relative about something he did or someplace he went. But for the most part, he's happy to have people watching him and cheering him on.

    I don't really know what advice to give, except to wait it out. It might be something that changes as time goes on. The more times Grandma and Grandpa come to watch, maybe the more he'll get used to it and be more accepting of it? I hope he can soon learn to enjoy all the attention!
     
  3. MLH

    MLH Well-Known Member

    Sharon, do you think it's a self-esteem issue or just being shy/not wanting the attention on him? That's a tough one. I guess I would look into maybe some books on building up a child's confidence so that they don't necessarily care who or if other's are watching or saying something. I know I struggled with this as a kid and I still have some shyness issues, but as a parents we want to help our kids any way we can. I know that I've had to work a lot with Isabel to get her to ask a teacher or adult for help if she needs it or let them know if she has to go to the bathroom b/c she just was so nervous. Just this year I've noticed a big improvement in that area. But she still doesn't necessarily want to be on "display". When we went to her Kindergarten music program, she said she was embarassed having us watching her and I could tell she was holding back. Hopefully it's just a stage and they just need to build their comfort level up. Right now I've been reading up a lot on Love and Logic and they do talk about ways to respond to situations so that the child looks to themselves for those "good feelings" or reinforcement rather than seeking it from others and needing a "great job" or "that's beautiful" about everything. I'm sure if you look at some different books or even just chat with him and get him to open up a bit about it, it will level out.
     
  4. momotwinsmom

    momotwinsmom Well-Known Member

    It is a tough one, and not sure if it is changeable or not. I too, and still very shy and feel out of my comfort zone when all eyes are on me (bridal or baby shower and wedding were all painful). The only thing I can say is, the more he is put in those positions, the more he will become used to it. It may be a way he feels forever though. Brooke and Morgan used to be TERRIBLY shy. Now, Brooke isn't too bad, and Morgan is a little shy. They will perform in front of others though, but that has only been recently. It took years for them to be comfortable in gymnastics or anything else. Certain sports they enjoy, but the aspect of them having to compete really bothers them too. For example, they are really good at swim, and go awesome on a swim team. BUT, they won't join the swim team for fear of having to compete. I am hoping they outgrow this and eventually reconsider, because out of all the sports they participate in, this one they are pretty good at.
     
  5. BGTwins97

    BGTwins97 Well-Known Member

    Sharon, I wonder whether it's not so much a fear of shining, as a fear of maybe making a mistake and disappointing people. Kids who are high-achievers can sometimes harbor that fear.

    Maybe you could just tell him that (e.g. re the baseball thing) Grandma and Grandpa are there because they enjoy watching him play, even when he makes mistakes, as long as he's always trying hard. That might free him up a bit from thinking that people have expectations that he might not be able to meet.
     
  6. sharongl

    sharongl Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the thoughts.

    I want to add, yesterday I went in to his class for his birthday celebration. He was really excited about it. But, when the teacher had him stand next to her, he just stood there with his head down. He just really doesn't like a whole group looking up at him. I guess I can just keep on encouraging him.
     
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