how much does your DH help with the babies/household chores?

Discussion in 'The First Year' started by slr814, May 13, 2009.

  1. slr814

    slr814 Well-Known Member

    I'm a SAHM, and DH brings home the bacon. I do all the cooking, cleaning and child care, which worked fine for us until now. I really need more help with the twins. The one thing my DH does is feed the one who gets a bottle when he's here. Lately A has been difficult to give a bottle to, and he will hardly feed her now. I feel like he's not even trying, but just using that as an excuse to not have to do even that. I feel like I'm burning the candle at both ends and am about to burn out. If I'm not taking care of babies, I'm cleaning or cooking. I stay up late after the kids are in bed to just get some house work done. If I have any free time at all I try to spend it with my DD, especially since she's being home schooled, and that too is my sole responsibility. Part of me feels like I should just be grateful that I am able to be at home with my LO, and that since this is my "job" I should just figure out a way to do it all, but at the same time, practically any other dad I know is more willing to help out with their children than my DH is. He wont even change diapers. Am I being unreasonable, or do I need to sit down and have a heart to heart with DH?
  2. miss_bossy18

    miss_bossy18 Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    wow! that is a lot on to have on your plate. :hug:

    the way i look at it is that while my DH is at his job, my job is being a SAHM. once he's home though, the house & kids are OUR responsibility. does that make sense? i do do what i can during the day in terms of housekeeping/laundry, etc, but i don't see it as solely my responsibility. one thing that has really helped in our house is that we've divided the week - i cook dinner/clean up on monday, wednesday, & friday & DH takes his turn on tuesday, thursday, & saturday (sunday is leftover/take out day). all that being said, i do often have to make specific requests when i need help (ie can you change Danika into her PJs?) otherwise he tends to not realize what needs to be done. it used to really annoy me but i've realized it's not going to change so i can either ask for the help i need or wait forever & not get it.

    whether you're being unreasonable or not (which, btw, i don't think you are), it sounds like you DO need to have a talk with your hubby. even just to let him know how you're feeling & that you're coming to the end of your rope. he should be kept in the loop, so to speak. :hug:
  3. rmcobb12

    rmcobb12 Well-Known Member

    My card from my DH on Mothers day said "Happy Mothers Day" on the outside and when you opened it up it read "From your other kid" :p

    I learned really quickly that if I want my DH to help with something I had to ask. Most guys are different, they don't think about what needs to get done. My MIL was the type of mom that did just about everything for her two kids. For example, after dinner everyone just got up and left to watch tv or whatnot while she was left cleaning off everyone's plates, doing dishes, cleaning up all the dinner stuff/kitchen. I don't have a problem cleaning up the kitchen but my DH is a big boy, he can bring his stuff back to the kitchen, clean off his own plate and put it in the dishwasher. I try my best to get as much as I can done but the truth is I can't do everything on my own all the time. At some point you have to ask for help. Luckily, when I do, he usually jumps right in to help. If you try talking to him and that doesn't work maybe you can plan an activity for yourself one weekend and leave him at home with the kids for a few hours so he knows just how hard it really is.
  4. aandja79

    aandja79 Well-Known Member

    No, you're definitely not being unreasonable. I completely agree with you, you do need to sit down and have a serious talk with him. If you're exhausted its not going to help anyone. The fact is that being a parent isn't a 9-5 job. Its 24/7. Just because DH has a day job, doesn't mean he gets a pass when he gets home. If that were the case, being a mother would be a day job too, and someone else would take over after 5..haha, dream on! I'm not saying (and I don't think you are either) that he needs to take over completely when he gets home, just that instead of it being all you, it can be 50/50.

    You asked how much DH helps out. Mine does a lot when he gets home. He changes them, plays with them, helps me feed them, bathe them etc. I then wash the dirty nappies (we use cloth most of the time) and he does the dishes. There are a lot of areas that I'm more efficient with, but thats because I do this stuff all day!

    Please sit down with your DH sooner than later, because with you home schooling your little one as well, you could do with an extra set of hands and a little more sleep. Twins are hard work, and unfortunately for your husband, he can't put them in the "too hard" basket. Its not optional, its parenting.
  5. Natalochka

    Natalochka Well-Known Member

    I think a heart to heart is in order. I agree with pp that while DH is at work, I deal with everything, but when he's here, its our responsibility. The kids, housework, etc. I also have to sometimes ask him to do specific tasks, but he is always willing to help. Sounds lilke you really have a lot going on. I think it is better to have a conversation soon, before you get completely burned out.
    My DH helps with cleaning the house, bathing the girls, etc. His work schedule varies, so it kinda depends on that - but he really helps out a lot. GL!
  6. tiff12080

    tiff12080 Well-Known Member

    I almost feel bad because my DH does a lot (shh don't tell him lol) When he gets home we both take them for a walk then I bathe them and we both feed them. Then he makes dinner. I do most of the cleaning but he vacuums. He even washes most of the dishes when he cooks. He also does the grocery shopping and takes out the garbage plus pays the bills. I better really thank him on Father's Day!!
  7. slr814

    slr814 Well-Known Member

    Yea, your right, I do need to get him on the same page with me. I probably should have done so awhile ago, before I started feeling resentful. I just hate asking for help. I did ask that he take over the bill paying as I was not doing a very good job, due to sleep deprivation, and my attention always getting pulled away from the task, I let several bills slip :woah: . He said no. He hates doing that kind of stuff, but who doesn't? He also works second, so i think part of the reason I'm feeling so burned out is it being just me and the kiddos in the evenings. He's only able to help with bedtime one evening a week.
  8. betha

    betha Well-Known Member

    Oh, that's a difficult schedule. Can he be home to help with more bedtime nights during the week? My DH was working late a lot, and I was about to lose my mind. We have no family in the area, and I'm on my own most of the time. By evening the babies were fussy and I was losing my tolerance. It was the worst part of my day. I finally told my DH I can't handle it on my own at night time. If he needs to work extra hours he needs to go in early, or work a short day on the weekend. He doesn't help in the morning, he sleeps in before work. I'm okay with that. Now my DH gets home at 7 and the babies are asleep by 8. He plays with them, changes their diaper, gives a bottle, etc. I do a good amount of the cleaning, but he always does one thing before he goes to bed.
    Yes, have a talk with him. I think (most) guys don't see things that we think are obvious (need help!!!).
  9. Danibell

    Danibell Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    Oh the second shift schedule. DH has been on that since we married and, by the grace of God, finally got moved to an earlier schedule just before the twins were born!! I was seriously freaking about doing bedtime for 4 kids all by myself!!

    Because you are already exhausted from the day, it makes nighttime so much worse having to do it on your own! :hug:

    To answer your question, I'm with the pp's who say that when dh is at work, I'm on my own, but when he walks in the door, it's 50/50. I try to have supper ready (he gets home at 7pm now, he used to work until 1am), we both clean up, deal with babies, help older kids with bath/bedtime, deal with babies....etc. Sometimes he works at 6 am, so he has to leave at 5am...those nights I try not to wake him if the babes wake up. They are finally sleeping thru now so that's not as difficult as it used to be. Otherwise though, he would even get up and help me with the babes and their nighttime feeds.

    This was a discussion we had even before we had kids, about each other's expectations. I don't expect much, but I do expect help raising OUR kids, and he agreed, and it's been working for 11 yrs now! :)

    I would have the heart to heart with him about how exhausted you are. And if that doesn't do it, tell him you are going grocery shopping and leave him with the kids for a few hours. Make sure a feeding and a nap are necessary before you walk out the door, and ask him to wash the dishes while you are gone. Maybe he'll figure out it ain't such an easy cake walk to take care of twins! :hug:
  10. nutty-mom

    nutty-mom Well-Known Member

    QUOTE(TandC @ May 13 2009, 06:58 PM) [snapback]1312716[/snapback]
    I almost feel bad because my DH does a lot (shh don't tell him lol) When he gets home we both take them for a walk then I bathe them and we both feed them. Then he makes dinner. I do most of the cleaning but he vacuums. He even washes most of the dishes when he cooks. He also does the grocery shopping and takes out the garbage plus pays the bills. I better really thank him on Father's Day!!

    Were did you find him? I want to order one like that!!!
    :) you are VERY LUCKY !! :)
    Give that man a :hug: and let him know he is special for helping out. I think it is great.

    My husband works and I am a sahm. He thinks that is all he has to do. I do everything else. I had to hire a lawn service because my older ds son moved out and I don't have time for that. I say my dh works, sleeps, eats, poops and watches tv. He sometimes plays with the twins 10 min a day or helps out with them about 20 min couple times a day. My mom is god sent to me she is my nightress and shinning armer. She helps me a lot. When I ask my dh for help he usually says I am tired I worked to day. You just stay home.
    I'm like well do you wonder how your clothes get washed, the house cleaned, bills paid kids taken care of, pets taken care of and ext gets done. Fairies don't fall out of the sky and do it while I sit on my a** and watch tv.

    My mil and I have tried to talk to him about spending time with kids and helping out it still don't seem to get through to him. Even our tax preparer explained to him if sahm were paid how much money they would be paid and how hard their job is. Made no differnce.

    I have cried a lot :cry: and finally came to terms with it. I decided I am going to just focus and being happy :) that I can stay home with my darling babies. And maybe my dh will come to realize how lucky he is to have 3 beautful kids. He says the twins are a lot more work than our older ds was and he cannt deal with it. He says maybe when they get older well they are 4 yrs old and nothing has changed.

    My older ds and mom use to get up at night and help. They both are still there when they are sick. They changed diapers and did baths. Dh helped with 1 bath in 4 yrs and helped change a had full of diapers and fed few bottles. Never fed them with spoon.

    Penny. :)
  11. E&Msmom

    E&Msmom Well-Known Member

    I think what you're feeling and how hes acting are normal.....initially! Eventually I think most of us (or at least me) have had to come to some realizations on our own and also had to have that much needed heart to heart talk.

    My DH works shift work (his schedule changes daily but stays the same weekly). On thur,fri, sat nights Im on my own with the kids and I work outside the home on thurs/fri as well so those are my super long days (work all day, then come home to the kids by myself for the night).

    While my DH does quite a bit one thing that helped us was a dry erase board. I told him what I wanted done, he told me what he could agree to and we wrote it out. i.e- On thursdays before he leaves for work (we babyswap at our work mind you) he has to clean up the kitchen and pick up all the toys. On fridays he has to put away his laundry, clean up his side of the bathroom, and pick all the dirty laundry up off his side of the room ( I start laundry and vacuum on the weekends). spellling it out helps.

    We also talked about the fact that while hes at work he gets BREAKS and a LUNCH! Yes the babies nap, but while they nap Im doing other household things so when he comes home I feel I deserve a small break. He'll take the kids on a bike ride or let me go run an errand or whatever. He does divy up babies and dinner. He does help with baths or cooking or dishes etc. Your husband SHOULD change diapers- even my DH thought that was ridiculous and he can be a lazy guy :blush:

    Like the 1st poster said. my workday ends when his does. When hes off work and at home (his change of scenary that I never get) the babies are OUR responsibility. I hope you guys work something out soon. Heck maybe even if you could schedule some alone/outing time for yourself occasionally you should! go to an AM yoga class, or meet a friend for coffee. We all deserve some time to ourselves to recharge our batteries!
  12. ambernruby

    ambernruby Well-Known Member

    I'm quite proud of my DF, he gets his hands mucky! Before we knew we were having twins i was like " Oh you wont need to do anything, i'll do the house, cooking, and kiddy" lol as soon as we found out it was "double trouble" he offered to pull his weight.. phew!
    He doesn't do the house, except for sterilising bottles from the nightfeed when he leaves in the morning. However he does feed, change, play and dress a baby. He wont bathe them alone and doesn't like tending to one in the dead of the night if he has work but if all hell breaks loose he mucks in.
    We have argued about who is the "most" tired in the early days lol that is sleep deprivation for you!
    I think that you both have your day jobs but you made them together and when he can he should be helping out, it's not like your shift ever ends is it?
    Heart to heart required me thinks! Good luck!
  13. AimeeThomp

    AimeeThomp Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    I just wanted to add that I don't know any woman IRL with children who hasn't, at some point, had complaints about the amount of child-care/housework that their husband does. It is completely normal and you are not alone! :hug:
  14. Queen of Carrots

    Queen of Carrots Well-Known Member

    My DH doesn't do much, if anything around the house (not even the "man" jobs--he gets his brothers or dad to do them). He's partly disabled and risks injury for spending time on his feet. (He's broken feet twice when I was pregnant and he had to help out more.) And he usually gets home so late he's barely in time to kiss the babies and put them in bed.

    Frankly, I'm not sure he would help more if he could--but at least the disability keeps me from getting upset about it. ;) It's definitely good to have a talk about where you're overloaded and how he can help (either himself, hiring someone, whatever) before you explode or collapse. But comparing one husband with another isn't fair . . . they all have their good and bad points. I'd rather have mine and no help with the housework than another one. :D
  15. dvigneau

    dvigneau Active Member

    My MIL was also the type that did everything for her kids. DH was so spoiled and always got what he wanted and never did any chores, now I am paying the price for it! DH does nothing unless I tell him to and bug him for like 20 minutes. He does take care of babies in the morning without me telling him to because I usually have to stay up later then he does so he gets up with them every morning but as soon as I get up, its like he isnt even here. He hasnt had a job in over a year since he got laid off (he does construction which is scarce in Florida) and he hasnt even looked that much. Now we are forced to move to Michigan to live with his parents which will not be fun because his Mom drives both of us crazy!
  16. piccologirl

    piccologirl Well-Known Member

    we're a 50/50 household. there are some baby chores i do more often like baths and making their food but as a whole if you total up baby care and household chores we're pretty evenly split. we knew this was going to be a team effort going in.

    DH and i both work but i don't think that makes our situations that dissimilar. you're working during the day, too. and you're doing exhausting physical work. it's not like you get to relax while he's at work so when he comes home he relaxes while you do work. you're both working during the day. the fact that you're not leaving and going to an office doesn't mean you're not working. he's very mistaken if that's the idea in his head.
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