I have no clue how to deal with this.

It's been forever since I posted in twinstuff but it's the first place I thought of for people that would understand.
My boys are 10 now. It's insane to think that it's gone by so fast.
The one I thought would be my trouble maker has become my softie and my softie has become my trouble maker.
C has always had a temper. He used to bite himself when he was angry with me. Now he's using words and he's using them on his brother. He'll say mean things where I can't hear it then denies it when he's told on. When he's really angry he will hit but then J hits back and J has been known to start fights also so I think that part is just regular brother stuff. I told him it's special to have a twin and that he's hurting J when he does this. And J is very tender so he cries. I'm almost wondering if it's happening a lot more than I know of. It's been about two years of this now.
I've sat them both down and explained how important family is, that we don't allow bullying, and that we try to be understanding.
I finally broke down and told C we were going to see if we could find someone he could talk to so we can figure out where all this is coming from. I assured him that I don't think there's anyting wrong with him other than there's something in there that I'm not understanding and not smart enough to bring out. Then J had started crying that I'm not worried enough about his side in this and that he wants someone to talk to. 
I'm trying to be calm and understanding and trying to console both of them and it's just become sort of a hell night where if I can't be nice to either of them without making the other upset. Should we see a councelor or is this a phase? Are they just being brothers?  I'm ready to just sit down and cry myself.

 

:hug:  Honestly, I don't think counseling is a bad idea for either one of the boys.  Perhaps you could start with the school counselor where they could see the counselor on separate days and separate times.  Neither one of them has to tell each other what they discuss with the counselor and the counselor will give you the feedback.  
It could just be growing pains at this point between the two of them and something they will grow out of it and work through on their own.  But I don't think counseling is a bad idea at all.  

 

Parenting is so hard! It sounds like you're doing a good job, but if you're struggling and unsure of how you're handling things, I think counseling is a great idea. It's always nice to have an objective view point on things. You may find that what is going on is normal sibling stuff and you may be given some ideas to try that you never thought of. Both of your boys would probably like having an objective ear to unload on and even get feedback from.
 
Best wishes for you and your boys. My kids fight too and it breaks my heart when one of them is purposefully hurtful to the other.

 

Thanks for the help. Talking with the school councelor would be nice but last year was our first year in Oregon and she for some reason asked my kids how they were punished at home when they did things wrong. We don't spank anymore but if they turn and try to walk away I hold both their shoulders or I flick the side of their head. Even though I've never left a bruise on my kids she called cps because she felt me flicking them was "demeaning". So we haven't talked with her since. I messaged one councelor and she said she felt she could help a lot by doing groups with C. He would be around other boys his age that have problems expressing themselves without anger and J would be invited also. It's kind of like a boy scouts for tempers. My only problem is that it's no parents allowed. But we would also have a once or twice a month session with his dad and I involved.

 

Sounds like a tough situation. Would J be comfortable in a group about expressing anger? Sounds like he doesn't have an issue with that, he may need a different counseling type?

Good luck in however you decide.

 

Letting the boys talk without you or their daddy around is normal. It might help too to have someone to talk to that isn't mommy or daddy. They will feel less pressured to say or not say something or feel judged when when they do open up about their emotions. They don't know the counselor the same way as they know you or their daddy so they may feel like they can talk without the feel of being punished or blamed for anything. Then they will learn ways to talk about it. Having you and daddy around only a few times will give them a way to let out their feelings and learn ways to talk to you about them effectively. 
 
My father sent me to a psychologist starting when I was 4 years old. I went continuously a little later on in elementary school. I had some Mommy issues, so this may not have much to do with what you are talking about, but I did find it was helpful to talk to someone not in my family who I know would listen to me without bias. It gave me an outlet I could trust. My parents would join in about once a month to every other month. It wasn't always easy to talk them since my issues were with my mother, but I don't think I'd be as well adjusted as I am now if I hadn't seen a psychologist/counselor during my school years to vent to in a healthy manner.

 

 I had one of my boys in therapy at the beginning of the year and we discussed anger.  She told him that it's ok to be angry at times, but we discussed the rules of anger and how to handle it.  The 3 rules of anger are you can't hurt yourself, you can't hurt others and you can't hurt property.  Then we discussed coping techniques of taking deep breathes, going to a different room, finding something else to do (like read a book).  Granted my boys are 5 and your's are 10 and may think this is stupid, but it's worked a few times in our house.

 

My sons (not twins) had a dynamic like this, and I found out 10 years later that the aggressor was being bullied a lot at school. He didn't know how to handle that, so he took it out on his brother. He never breathed a word at the time. We did have him see a counselor, but he never told her, either. Obviously, if I don't know if that's what's going on here, but I just wanted to share my experience.

 

I think Ruby brings up a good point.  Perhaps there is an outside 'force.'  My son was bullied/threatened on the bus and it turns out the bully was an older girl with disabilities who was teased a lot at school.  That doesn't 'let her off the hook,' but kids who are bullied tend to bully those who they see as 'inferior' to them.  I think counseling is a good step.  I hope it goes well!