issues with my twin sister and boyfriend :O(

Discussion in 'General' started by dancer223, Jan 18, 2009.

  1. dancer223

    dancer223 New Member

    Hi all,

    so here is the story (and i will try to be as brief as possible)

    i 25 years old and am having problems between my twin sister because she has issues with my boyfriend. It basically is like this: I have been with my boyfriend for over 2 years. he lives about an hour away from me and as a result, due to our careers, we only see each other on the weekends.
    my sister does not have a boyfriend and has not been in a serious relationship. my sister and i live together and so obviously, when my boyfriend comes to my house on the weekend (we try to alternate), it is the three of us.

    Now, my sister has not liked my boyfriend since day 1. She has her reasons, of which I try to understand, and basically she does not want him around at all... she pretty much loathes him. My boyfriend never had a problem with her in the beginning of our relationship, however, for the past 2 years when he comes over, my sister often stomps around, gives me an attitude and on occasion has pulled me aside and yelled at me (with him in the next room) getting upset with me for various reasons: I didn't tell her my plans for dinner with my boyfriend and now she has to get dinner herself, I am just going to spend the day with my boyfriend and now what is she (my sister) going to do, etc.. I do understand her 'side' sometime, and that, sometimes, yes, i am at fault, however, I often think that I am having a regular relationship with my boyfriend, just as any other 25 year old would be.
    In an effort to try and understand her side, i have tried many times over the past few years to try and get them to spend time with each other civilly and also speaking with them individually to try and get them to see the other person's side...., however, my boyfriend is now so fed up with the situation and does not want to make an effort to get along with her because she 'steps all over you and you don't stand up for yourself' ('you' being me, the writer of this). And, my sister, says to me that my boyfriend does not make an effort to get along with her and will only reconcile things with my boyfriend if HE brings it up.

    I am torn. I love my sister to pieces, and I have absolutely no idea what to do without her. We get along so well if my boyfriend is not there and she is not upset with me because of something that happened over the weekend when he was over. But, this is stressing all 3 of us out to the point of exhaustion. I feel terrible for my sister because I know that she feels like she is alone when I am out with my boyfriend, but I don't know how to rectify the problem (especially when I THINK I am acting as a normal 25 year old.... am I wrong?). I also feel for my sister because she is more of a home-body and prefers staying in than going out-- which is perfectly fine. However, sometimes I feel like she is making me feel like it is my fault if I do not invite her out to dinner or a movie with my boyfriend and me.

    I have spoken with several people about this but I just feel completely stuck. Additionally, I have spoken with my boyfriend about this all and he is almost to his wits end. We are in a very serious relationship, but he has expressed numerous times over the past several months that he does not know how much longer he can stay in our relationship if my sister is going to interfere in a negative way. We have a wonderful relationship, otherwise.

    I know this is long.... and I do apologize. I would really appreciate anyones advice on this situation. I love my sister so much. I also love my boyfriend. I do not want to choose between the 2 of them.
     
  2. Kendra

    Kendra Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    I'm sure my sister could have written this at one point. With a few differences but the weekend boyfriend and twin issues with him for sure. You are being like a 25 year old with a roommate but its a whole other situation when the roommate is your twin.

    My sister and I live together and when her boyfriend started staying over weekend (every weekend here) there were some rough spots. It was very stressful. We had a few fights about it (never when he was here) and what really came out of it was that he makes her happy and as long as she was happy with him, I would stay out of it. The weekends were their time, I would never expect for them to include me in their going out and dinners. She got that I needed to be in the loop. To know where things were sitting and what was going on. I also needed to know that my private conversations weren't being shared with him (I have trust/gossip issues) but I also needed to work on not being privy to everything in her life anymore.

    He does need to make an effort to get along with her and realize your twin relationship is is importaint to you. Being a twin is one of the things that makes you you.

    My sister got married in May and he moved it. It hasn't exactly been easy but I always remember that as long as she is happy, I'm happy.

    I think you should sit down with your sister sometime when there isn't a stress situation and figure out what is going on. Be honest with her and listen to her concerns (and don't dismiss them without consideration, she may have some very valid reasons that you may not see) If she'd like, she can contact me. Just PM me.
     
  3. TimesTwo

    TimesTwo New Member

    My twin and I were in this place a time or two, even when we didn't live together! I would make her boyfriends feel so uncomfortable around me...always quizzing them, giving them dirty looks, making snide comments....and she would do the same to my boyfirends! I was once told by my sister that her current husband felt "intimidated" by me while they were dating. I have since apologized to my twin's husband because I did make things pretty miserable for them the first 2-3 years they were dating! (Note: He still has issues that she and I talk every day on the phone).

    You can't help but be protective when either you, or your twin, start a relationship that feels....well, like a threat. I say a "threat" because of the bond you share. My twin and I have judged each others relationships since we were 12 years old. We've always felt the need to protect each other.

    Over the years we've learned to respect each others choices in life. It took several years, several fights, a few hours of not talking (if you're like us, you could be screaming at each other one day and laughing about it the next), several emotional conversations, several hours of laughter and everything turned out well. We still give "advise" to each other about the men in our lives...but we're careful not to cross that line that we've both come to understand as respectful.

    I guess I would suggest making a "Thursday Night" tradition or special inside joke (my twin and I have been hiding a small, ugly stuffed frog in each others homes/cars/purses now for 9 years...it's weird but it's our reminder to each other that we're still close even when we lived across the U.S from each other) with your twin so she feels that you will always care. If she respects your need to find peace between her and your boyfriend, your boyfriend may feel some relief that the tension will get easier on him some day soon. (Note: If he can't be patient and understanding to some degree then you may need to rethink the long term...your twin bond will always be a big part of your life.)
     
  4. TimesTwo

    TimesTwo New Member

    sorry..this posted twice...page refresh issue! :eek:
     
  5. lucymae

    lucymae New Member

    Hi fellow twins,

    I am having the same problem right now too... I actually just found your post because I just had this long fight with my boyfriend about it, and started googling twin advice :)
    My sister has been acting sort of abrasive towards my boyfriend, when she isn't ignoring him, and it's gotten to the point in the last few weeks where he is bringing it up all the time. He is upset because he finds me defending her point of view when we have these arguments, I guess I am just used to speaking for her. The thing is, I do think he is right, that her behavior is getting to be uncalled for, but I don't know how to talk to her about it. I know if I just sit her down and ask her to explain herself, its only going to make her resent my relationship with him even more. I feel like she would probably be more receptive to hearing it straight from him, so she doesn't think I am turning against her or something.
    I love my sister, and I love my boyfriend, but this is just starting to feel impossible. I feel like he wants me to take his side, and he thinks I'm being a pushover putting up with her anger, but I just can't get him to understand how sacred our relationship has been in both of our lives.
    Anyone have any advice? I feel so stuck right now!



    QUOTE(dancer223 @ Jan 18 2009, 11:28 PM) [snapback]1152531[/snapback]
    Hi all,

    so here is the story (and i will try to be as brief as possible)

    i 25 years old and am having problems between my twin sister because she has issues with my boyfriend. It basically is like this: I have been with my boyfriend for over 2 years. he lives about an hour away from me and as a result, due to our careers, we only see each other on the weekends.
    my sister does not have a boyfriend and has not been in a serious relationship. my sister and i live together and so obviously, when my boyfriend comes to my house on the weekend (we try to alternate), it is the three of us.

    Now, my sister has not liked my boyfriend since day 1. She has her reasons, of which I try to understand, and basically she does not want him around at all... she pretty much loathes him. My boyfriend never had a problem with her in the beginning of our relationship, however, for the past 2 years when he comes over, my sister often stomps around, gives me an attitude and on occasion has pulled me aside and yelled at me (with him in the next room) getting upset with me for various reasons: I didn't tell her my plans for dinner with my boyfriend and now she has to get dinner herself, I am just going to spend the day with my boyfriend and now what is she (my sister) going to do, etc.. I do understand her 'side' sometime, and that, sometimes, yes, i am at fault, however, I often think that I am having a regular relationship with my boyfriend, just as any other 25 year old would be.
    In an effort to try and understand her side, i have tried many times over the past few years to try and get them to spend time with each other civilly and also speaking with them individually to try and get them to see the other person's side...., however, my boyfriend is now so fed up with the situation and does not want to make an effort to get along with her because she 'steps all over you and you don't stand up for yourself' ('you' being me, the writer of this). And, my sister, says to me that my boyfriend does not make an effort to get along with her and will only reconcile things with my boyfriend if HE brings it up.

    I am torn. I love my sister to pieces, and I have absolutely no idea what to do without her. We get along so well if my boyfriend is not there and she is not upset with me because of something that happened over the weekend when he was over. But, this is stressing all 3 of us out to the point of exhaustion. I feel terrible for my sister because I know that she feels like she is alone when I am out with my boyfriend, but I don't know how to rectify the problem (especially when I THINK I am acting as a normal 25 year old.... am I wrong?). I also feel for my sister because she is more of a home-body and prefers staying in than going out-- which is perfectly fine. However, sometimes I feel like she is making me feel like it is my fault if I do not invite her out to dinner or a movie with my boyfriend and me.

    I have spoken with several people about this but I just feel completely stuck. Additionally, I have spoken with my boyfriend about this all and he is almost to his wits end. We are in a very serious relationship, but he has expressed numerous times over the past several months that he does not know how much longer he can stay in our relationship if my sister is going to interfere in a negative way. We have a wonderful relationship, otherwise.

    I know this is long.... and I do apologize. I would really appreciate anyones advice on this situation. I love my sister so much. I also love my boyfriend. I do not want to choose between the 2 of them.
     
  6. Kendra

    Kendra Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    Why not have him talk to her. Not in any sort of a confrontational way but where he tells her how he feels about you and talks about how he would like his relationship with her to be. If not that, then have a talk with her in the most non-combative way possible.

    You didn't say how she is being abrassive towards him so I can't really give any ideas there.

    Yesterday was my brother in law's birthday and I said for his gift, I wouldn't contradict him when he was being right about everything (he is never wrong apparently). It didn't happen but I tried.
     
  7. Twinrific

    Twinrific Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    I can't really add much to what Kendra have said except that I also think you should try and sort this out with your sister asap. I think it's very important that ones twin and boyfriend (or girlfriend) get along very well. There is just too many issues that evolve when the twin and partner can't see eye to eye.

    Try and explain to your boyfriend that it is important to you that he and your twin get along and that your relationship with your twin doesn't make your relationship with your boyfriend any less important. Both can be important in your life. You're sister should also understand that you have someone else important in your life now which needs your attention, maybe try and find out what exactly is upsetting your sister about your boyfriend? The twin almost always has a good reason for feeling the way they do and it'll be good if you can try and work it out without being confrontational. They both need to realize that they can't put you in the middle.

    Same as Kendra mentioned: How exactly is she being abrassive? Then we can maybe be of more help.
     
  8. BillShiphr

    BillShiphr Active Member

    This is a bad situation but I don't see ways out because your sister is very stubborn. I think you should find another man near you. This site https://www.onenightfriend.com/en-us/ is able to help you now. I mean, many of my friends found a couple this way
     
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