Major frustration vent!

My 5 year old is driving me bonkers!!! I don't know what to do! She has major space issues, meaning she is always in your face or stepping on you (or your stuff). She is always getting in the babies faces or some other thing that I have to correct. She will lie down on them!!! HELLO they are not dolls. She doesn't seem to get the fragility of a 2month old baby. The other day she came to me saying she needed to give Anneke a paci because she was crying. Then she proceeded to tell me it was because she hurt her. I automatically said WHAT!! What do you mean you hurt her. She said nothing. Then I got really upset and said you'd better tell me. She said she shook her head to get her attention. I about lost it. I went to the nursery and there she was moved from the middle to the side and up against the crib. I was really upset. Then to top it off my daughter is VERY sensitive and gets easily hurt. The thing is she is CONSTANTLY doing big don'ts with the babies. Her being the only one for almost 5 years coupled with new babies that need constant attention has made her feel sooooo left out. Then you take the fact that I am always having to get on her about the babies and how she handles them is just making things awful. I feel bad, and she feels bad. Its just awful. Then to make matters worse, I have her in her room a lot of the time watching movies just so I can get the babies fed and keep her entertained. I feel terrible about that because before I never let her watch this much TV. I mean I actually put the TV in her room when I was pregs because my pregnancy was so gosh darn awful. I am not sure what to do about her. I love her so much, but with all this she surely does not know. What do I do?

Phew!!! Felt good to rant. I will digress now.

 

:hug99: I don't have any advice because I only have the twins, but I'm sure the other ladies on here will chime in. I just wanted to give you and your DD some :hug99:

 

It's obvious she's feeling left out and feeling a bit jealous - that's understandable.

I highly recommend - you turn her into your "helper". Have her help you w/ little things so she feels like the big sister that needs to help take care of the babies. Have her hand you the diapers, the wipes, the bottle, etc - stuff that she can get for you and feel like she's helping out. At her age - they love to help. This way - you can teach her how to softly care for the babies by getting her involved.

You might also want to consider having like a 2 hour - Mommy and Daugher time - take her to the park once a week or so. See if a friend or family member can watch the babies while they sleep so you and your daughter can have some bonding time to yourselves.

Good Luck!

 

I am sorry you are having problems! I have a three year old and it is so hard, I was on bedrest for a month before I had the twins and by the time I finally delivered my dd was so starved for attention she would do anything to get it. It got better after my dh and I worked out a schedule where Sophie was getting plenty of one on one time with us seperate and together with out the babies. I know it is hard to find time but you just have to...I read in Happiest Toddler On The Block that your main focus has to be on your toddler because your actions will affect them and your infants wont suffer from a little less attention. After reading that I try really hard to give my dd my undivided attention...if one of the babies is crying (and I know they dont need anything) they cry a little longer and it is okay.
Also, as pp mentioned I made her my little helper and I brag about her (in front of her) to everyone about how great of a big sister she is. I try really hard to include her most of the time.
I have to remind her constantly to be gentle and I do it in a way that is not harsh at all-
I never leave her alone with them...I did this once while I was drying my hair in the morning and I decided to check on them and I looked over our balcony to see her with her hand over our ds's mouth and nose...her reason was because he was crying. I learned my lesson then-THANK GOD!
Good luck-I know the heart ache and guilt you can feel when it comes to your first born baby and trying to make them feel included and happy!

 

:hug99: I would just try and let her be a part of everything. Let her bring you diapers, wipes, etc. Make her feel like she is part of this new, bigger, family. It's so hard, I know, momma is tired! :hug99:

 

Okay, first off.....I feel for you! I know EXACTLY what it is like having newborn twins and a 5 year old, oh and we also have a 4 year old!

Something our pediatrician recommended when our first dd was 18 months old was to read or buy the dvd for 1-2-3 Magic, by Dr. Phelan.

The title says it all "Managing Obnoxious Behavior Ages 2-12"......a non yelling, non hitting form of discipline that WORKS.

Go to : www.parentmagic.com and order yourself a dvd copy. My husband and I watched it together so we are on the same page with regards to discipline and act as a "united front" with our kids. When we talk and talk and explain to our kids in the heat of the tense moment......all those words get lost, they dont hear a darn word you are saying. This approach stops the behavior in seconds flat, without yelling or fighting or explaining and thus escalating to losing our tempers. When we start to "slip", my husband and I will do a refresher course, pour a glass of wine and watch the dvd again together. Feels good to watch it together, we are a team after all.

It is EASY to watch, understand and implement the very next day with your daughter. You will both benefit in the long run from using this approach. It is all about giving the appropriate timeout. Now, I am sure some of you are rolling your eyes, saying "you dont need to be a rocket scientist to know how to give a time out"....well yes, that is true, but this dvd will show you how to consistently approach every single rotten situation from from mild whining to full on exorcist tantrums and you can STOP it quickly, quietly and without losing it. (and yes, even though I do this approach, I occasionally "lose it", hey we are human!)

Anyway, this was another good tool to throw in my Mamma's Toolbox for raising my kids without a lot of yelling or resorting to getting physical.

I hope this helps you, I cannot tell you how many friends of ours that I have loaned the dvd to and they now have manageable households (within reason!) and much happier relationships with their kids. Kids thrive on structure and knowing what to expect. So when my kids start whining or are doing any behavior that I want to STOP, I start counting and do Dr. Phelan's approach.

I have to laugh, because when I am on the phone and my 5 or 4 year old start talking to me....(which ANNOYS THE HECK OUT OF ME!!!) I just hold up one finger....without having to say a WORD and they respond to it, knowing if I get to three they go in a timeout.

Anyway, check it out. I hope it helps you xojillian

 

Let me preface by saying that my 3.5 yr-old DD is really an awesome kid! DH and I totally lucked out with her! She is sweet and bright, and very well-behaved. As far as 3.5 yr-olds go, she makes my job easy!

...HOWEVER... she is still 3.5, and adjusting to this major change in her family. She went from mommy and daddy being 100% dedicated to her, to having to share mommy and daddy's time and affection. The end of my pregnancy was very difficult and exhausting (ending in a week of bedrest), and I think that, even then, my time and energy for her started to diminish. For example, Daddy did all the bathtimes, all the night-time wake-ups, etc. Then, during my time of bedrest, and when I was hospitalized for the boys' delivery, alot of her day-to-day care and entertainment fell to my and DH's parents. Even though DD didn't act up or cause trouble, I could tell that she was agitated during that period, and she was worried about me. Since bringing the boys home, she has had more meltdowns (she is also very sensitive and emotional) and doesn't always listen to us. We will say something like, “It’s dinnertime, please pick up your toys and wash your hands.” And she will counter with, “oh, well, but, I’m playing right now…” She also had a little bit of a potty-training relapse at first, but that didn’t last long.

I agree with PP's who say that the toddler/preschooler is more impressionable than the babies, and needs more time/energy/focus.

What makes things better:
- sticking to her routine
- not changing the rules (we don't 'soften' the rules. We aren’t mean about it; we just emphasize that mommy and daddy are in charge and that her job is to listen!)
- having very set rules when it comes to the babies. We started during my pregnancy, telling her how she can never give food or toys to the babies. Basically, she is to leave the babies alone unless we are right there with her. I hosted DD’s playgroup last week, and was shocked that some of DD’s friends (who have younger sibs) were putting toys into the babies’ pack-n-play, and even trying to climb into the pack-n-play!
- expecting things from her (I give her jobs, like picking up dog toys, bringing me things, etc.)
- cuddle time
- I praise her often, to her face, and to others when she can overhear. When strangers at malls come up to ogle the babies, I make a point to say what a great big sister DD is. I will even call DH and brag to him about DD (so that she hears me). When she does something right, I let her know - I have no problems telling her that she is smart, good, nice, etc., and that I am proud of her!
- showing interest in her interests (I try to talk to her a lot about her friends, her school, her gymnastics, etc.
- even though she watches probably too much TV, I try to watch with her as much as possible – even if that means just a couple minutes of Dora here and there while I make her lunch. That way, we can talk about the shows later, when the TV is off. I also hand-pick her programs, and tell her which shows I don’t like… so, now, when spongebob comes on, she will call me, “Mommy, spongebob’s on, you need to turn off the TV!”
- I sympathize with her… “It upsets me when the babies cry a lot, too”
- give her special one-on-one time. It doesn’t even have to be out of the house. Even just an hour of special, focused time, with the babies in another part of the house (with DH), perks her up. Or, I take her on a couple of solo errands.
- laugh with her – with a 3-yr-old, this can be pretty easy. Sometimes making a face and saying, “woo-eee, your brother is a STINKY baby!” gets her giggling.
- I pretend like the babies are watching her (which they are starting to), and I talk about how much they will be fascinated with her when they get bigger, and how they will soon be sitting up and watching her play

The biggest culprit for making things worse: not enough sleep.

 

I did not read the previous posts but...

I have a 5 year old son too. He hit his baby brother when he was 2 months old. He was so jealous. I have found too that when he is my "helper" and I tell him how much I appreciate his help then he is okay around the babies. I let him feed DD her bottle or help change diapers or bring me a bottle out of the fridge. He helps with everything. I give him stickers for helping. He LOVES to help. I just make sure I tell him how big of a helper he is and how much his brother and sister love him to help.

 

Does she go to preschool? It may help her to have a life outside of the house, so she had time away from the babies where the focus is on her.

The other ladies have all given good advise.

 

You've gotten some really good advice from the PP's -- our DD was 3.5 when the babies came, and it was HARD. She was miserable for the first 6 months or so, but her behavior has improved dramatically over the last couple months.

1-2-3 Magic is fantastic. Get both parts of the DVD and watch it as soon as you can (I rented from the library).

Set a house rule -- NO TOUCHING THE BABIES. If she sees them crying, she should immediately come to you. This can change as they get older -- mine are now 9.5 months, and now that they sit up and crawl and can play, DD is having a blast showing them stuff and helping to play with their toys. They absolutely adore her, too. But, she still does not try to pick them up, etc. It is just safer to have me supervise at all times....