Married to a twin

Hi everyone. I've been married to my husband 7 years this month. He is an identical twin. I love my husband dearly and most of the time we get along. In fact the only time we really argue is when it involves his brother. I don't care for his brother, but I do my best to get along with him. I'm well aware and supportive of the bond they have with each other. I've never tried to sabotage or interfere with their relationship. I accept that they need each other. My problem is my husband seems to need his brother more than he needs me. My husband has explained to me this is not a competition...he needs both of us, but sometimes it sure feels like a competition. I'm not trying to replace his brother, but as a spouse I want to feel needed, relevant. There are so many support groups and literature for parents of twin, siblings of twins, being a twin etc. Is there anything out there for spouses of twins??? Does anyone have any advice? I need to know where I fit in....    

 

Your husband is right, it isn't a competition. The relationship between twins and the relationship between husband and wife (or any other romantic relationship) are different, one isn't necessarily more important than the other (although it can be argued that while his brother will always be his twin and you and your husband could divorce if you chose to) and they both offer different things that are important to people. That said, he chose to marry you (he didn't choose his brother) so surely he needs you in some ways that he doesn't need his brother and wouldn't be able to get some other way.

I'm sure there are plenty of threads in other forums with wives complaining about how their husband needs his best friend/brother/mother/children more than her. A quick search shows I'm correct:

My husband prefers his friends to me
Husband loves best friend more than me?
Newly wed but husband wants time alone
My husband puts his adult children before me
Husband seems to put me last
My husband will not put me first

There are also husbands complaining about their wives spending too much time with her friends/sister:

My wife sepnds 10 to 12 hours a day with her friend
My wife doesn't spend time with me!
My wife is too close to her (younger) sister

and so on.

If you want to know where you fit in, perhaps you should think back to when you got married and try to remember why he chose to marry you (and not somebody else, or not get married at all), and stop trying to compete with his brother in making your husband "need" you.

 

Okay.  I am going to say something potentially very controversial here.
 
I believe, when you are married (or committed) you owe it to your significant other to do things to enrich your togetherness.  I don't mean, dates, or sex, or gifts.  I mean the partnership, the feeling that you are a team.
My mom once said, 'be careful that your best friend does not create a separation between you and your husband'.  At the time, I thought that was a strange and completely outlandish statement.  My best friend is someone who i have no physical attraction to.  I am completely loyal and committed to my husband.
 
With time I have come to see the wisdom in that statement.  She meant, do not get so involved in that friendship that you emotionally neglect your spouse.  Protect and guard the emotional well being of your marriage.
 
Here is what i have come to realize.. (it took all 17 years of our marriage)
We all have limited 'social' time and energy. (some more than others) If something happens during the day and your first thought is, 'i can't wait to share this with BBF' then you need to reevaluate things.  Unless the event specifically relates/involves/interests your BBF it should be your husband that you share with... not exclusively, but be careful not to exclude him from those things.  Those little things in life are the foundation, the glue.  Forgetting those things will weaken your relationship.
 
You are not wrong to feel the way you do.. it is not jealousy to expect your partner to share that part of himself with you.
 
I understand a little about how you feel.  My DH is a mama's boy.  The only thing that saves us is that we live in a different country.  Still, he talks to her nearly every other day.  I hear their conversations and know that he saves those 'stupid little things' to share with her.  He doesn't see this and I no longer bring it up.  It makes me appear jealous.  But i know that this is emotionally starving our relationship.  I work extra hard to keep our connection because I know that weakness (separation) exists.
 
It is confusing to be glad that your DH has a good relationship with his mom and also resent it...  To be jealous NOT of what he gives her but what he does not give to you.  It is a lonely feeling.
 
I wish i had a solution for you.  Know that you are not alone.  I hope that recognizing how you feel will help you deal with it and maybe manage things better.  
((hugs))

 

TwinRichard, I have found numerous threads about wives feeling second to their husbands friends, family etc. However, because the twin bond is so unique I was hoping to find something a little more specific. Just like you said it can be argued that a twin sibling can't be replaced, but a spouse can. I feel this makes the marriage between a twin and non twin a little more complex. You brought up a very good point though...why did he marry me in the first place? I appreciate you reminding me of this.
 
Daisies, I appreciate your understanding. You put into words what I feel. I'm not jealous of the relationship he has with his brother. In a lot of ways I'm thankful for it. What a blessing to have someone in this world you know you can always count on. I only wish that person was me. Thank you both.    

 

The bond between twins probably is stronger than between any other two people (generally anyway) but I just don't think the problem you are having is inherently different from those of people who have husbands who they think is too attached to their family or friends who aren't twins. It may make your husband less likely to change his relationship with his brother (either willingly or because you want him to) because he is his twin but ultimately the fundamental issue remains that you think your husband doesn't need you. I think you would be better served focusing on why it is you feel like that rather than dwelling on the fact he is a twin.

 

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