Moms of older twins / LOs - PLEASE tell me the tantrums get better!

So we've been spoiled. Our girls were good newborns, always been great sleepers, and generally easy kids. They're even potty trained, yeah! So I was completely unprepared when it all went horribly wrong. About 4 months ago (exactly 2 1/2 on the dot) the tantrums started. Tantrums aren't really the word. These are mind-bending kicking, flailing, screaming berserker moments. That go on for 20 minutes to several hours. And of course these scenes are just for us. Not at preschool, usually not in public. Just for home, especially for mom.

I can't tell you how bad it is, except that it makes my husband and I, ordinarily positive people, very nearly violent. The stress of dealing with these psychotic episodes is hurting our health and destroying our relationship.

Family legend has is that I was a terrible 3 year old, and that my husband was worse. These girls are like a double distilled version of all our stubbornness and passion. I don't know how we can handle another 14 months of this. If it has to be, it has to be. But tell me please that they will turn four and magically back into human beings that I don't cringe to go home to. Tell me this isn't the new normal, and that we'll struggle for the rest of our childhood.

And how much damage will be done to our relationship with the girls in this period? It makes me so sad to be unable to help them. it's like a switch flips in their heads and they go manic. No reason can reach them. I cajole and distract, all the tricks in the book with varying success, depending on how deep they are in their fit and how much energy and resilience I have.

How long does this stage last? Help!

 

It most definitely will get better! One of my boys had a HUGE tantrum period that lasted about 6 months and his twin brother went through a much milder tantrum period for about a month or two. I know that one of the ways parents deal with tantrums is ignoring it...and this worked for one of my boys. Simply ignoring his screaming, crying, kicking, and rolling for 10-15 minutes would be enough. He would then pick himself up and go about his day as if nothing happened. I think these tantrums were his attempts to get my attention, and when it didn't work, he stopped doing it.

BUT my other child had tantrums that would go on and on and on and wouldn't stop. At first I tried ignoring it, but I soon realized that he could continue to cry and scream for hours. He wasn't trying to get my attention, he just did not know how to deal with his strong, explosive emotions and could not calm himself down. So I changed my methods and began teaching him how to calm himself down. When he went into a tantrum, I let him cry for a few minutes to get his energies out. Then, I would give him a big hug and sit down with him and hold him until he calmed down. When he quieted down, we talked about how he felt, what caused him to feel this way, and talked about what things he can do next time he feels the same way... like using his words to let me know how he felt instead of crying and screaming.

I think they are still at an age when they get so overwhelmed with their own strong emotions and just don't know how to handle them. It gets better as they become more verbal and can tell you with words instead of screams and shouts. Hang in there!

 

Ah, right! That's a great way of explaining it. These little ones having a hard time mastering their strong emotions. Respond with a mix of comfort and ignoring, depending on the kid and what the situation calls for. Will work on it.

If this is a 6 month period, I can handle that! Thanks!

It's just a stage, it's just a stage.

 

When my kids had tantrums, I found ignoring them was the best way to get past them. It is SO hard, but for the most part when they realize they are getting no response from you (and even yelling is a response, which is likely what they are looking for) they will usually start to get fewer & farther between. I always just left them in the floor to do their kicking & screaming & acted like it didn't bother me in the least. The first few times, it took a long time for them to calm down, but after that it got easier. At this point, now that they are older, if they throw a tantrum, I have a bench they have to go sit on. They can cry all they want there & when they are done they can get up, it is all under their own control.

 

We do something similar to you Tina. When the girls throw tantrums we have them go to their room until they calm down and then we will talk. They are good with walking there on their own. Then usually just 10 or 15 minutes they will come out and say they are feeling better and tell us what was wrong or act as if nothing happened.