My heart is torn

Discussion in 'The First Year' started by clkafka, Apr 22, 2008.

  1. clkafka

    clkafka Well-Known Member

    I am having such a hard time right now. My girls are getting to be so fun and I really have nothing to complain about. But I do feel like I don't hold them enough. I can't play with my older ds as much as I want. I know my dh misses me. I don't know how to balance it. Going from one child to three is a shock to the system. How do you moms balance it. Sometimes I go to bed at night and cry because I can't meet their needs. I mean their basic needs are met, but I feel like they need more form me. Do I have too high expectations? Am I still hormonal? :unsure: Is there something I can do different? It is just so hard some days! Will it always be this way now that I have three kids?
  2. Kimkessenich

    Kimkessenich Well-Known Member

    I know it's hard - I really can't offer too much advice - you can only do the best you can. Don't be so hard on yourself! It's impossible to be everything to everyone...and don't forget about yourself!

    I work all day and when I come home I try to do something that involves all the kids. I sometimes sit on the floor with my twins in front of me and my daughter at the other end of the room and we'll pass a ball back and forth; the twins love it and my daughter thinks it's cool to play ball with them. Another thing we do is when we have tummy time, the twins are on their tummys and my daughter and I face them on our tummys; then my daughter and I roll back and forth and the twins soon follow. Bathtime is a time for everyone too - my daughter sits at one end of the bathtub and I put the baby bath in the other side of the bathtub; I bathe one twin at a time while the other sits in a bouncy next to the tub. I also thankfully have a stroller for all three kids so that we can all take a walk together.

    It's gotten a lot easier now that the twins starting to be able to do things; and it'll keep getting easier as they become more mobile (until we're all at the mall and they all take off in different directions :rofl: ). After I put the twins to bed (them going to bed by 7pm helps!) I usually do something special with my daughter like paint our nails or play with her VSmile until her bedtime.

    DH and I work different shifts, so he has the kids all day and I have them in the evening. The only time we have together is on the weekends and at night; we've never had it any different though so we don't have a problem with the amount of time we spend together. He plans to switch to days once the kids start school; I can't imagine how strange it's going to be to see each other in the evenings!
  3. erinkontos

    erinkontos Well-Known Member

    Hi Christy,
    I just wanted to say that I totally understand where you are coming from and some days I feel the same way! However, I just remember that I do my best to give them all individual attention (often during nap times) as much as possible. When all three are awake, I do a lot of talking with my son, even if I can not be right there on the floor playing with him as much as in the past. Whenever possible, I involve him in helping me with the babies or other chores around the house. This helps him develop a sense of responsibility and keeps him busy at the same time. Right now, we are practicing the art of whispering so he can help me when I put a baby down for a nap. His favorite job is turning the "ocean" (white noise) on for us at nap/bedtime.

    Overall, as the babies are becoming more predictable with their feedings/napping, I feel like it is getting a little easier day by day.
    I still wish I had another set of arms (or two).

    It sounds like you are doing an awesome job with your three! It is no easy task just meeting the basic needs!!!
    Remember that most importantly, you are helping them grow and learn everyday as siblings and members of a loving family!!!

  4. mrsfussypants

    mrsfussypants Well-Known Member

    I felt the exact same way. I would cry in bed at night and tell DH, "I just feel like I can't make everyone happy! There's not enough of me to go around" The first 6 months were all about maintenance for me. After 6 months or so, I felt so much more balanced. Now at a year, I don't have those feelings anymore at all. you are stretched so thin right now, how could you NOT feel that way?! Just know you're normal, and your kids all know you love them and they will all come out of this just fine. It's a huge transition from one to three!!

  5. traci.finley

    traci.finley Well-Known Member

    You know, I think it will get easier. This coming from someone who only has the twins! So take it with a grain of salt. But now that I have painstakingly sleep trained my girls, they are easy to put down for naps so I have some "me" time twice a day ... they nap anywhere from 45 minutes to 2 hours ... Once your babies are on a schedule ... and hopefully the same schedule ... that will free up some time for you to spend with your son. Really, you are still in survival mode with twins! We didn't have any kind of system down until about 6 or 6.5 months ... then things got a lot easier around here!
  6. traci.finley

    traci.finley Well-Known Member

    Oh, and one more thing ... I read somewhere that if you have baby twins and an older child ... if all 3 need you at the same time, respond to your older child first, then to the babies. The older child will remember it and the babies will not.
  7. Utopia122

    Utopia122 Well-Known Member

    Oh my gosh, your babies are only 3 months, there's no way you can meet everyone's needs with the twins at this age. Just give it some time and try not to put so much pressure on yourself. It will always be difficult to spread yourself between three kids, however, you will be able to manage your time better once the babies get a little older. It is so hard to do all the things you need to do with TWO infants and a toddler. But it will get better and more manageable once your girls get a little more mobile. It's understandable to feel frustrated and it's okay to just have a good cry--everyone of us on here have had many. But you're doing all you can do and that's enough.
  8. 3greysandamutt

    3greysandamutt Well-Known Member

    No advice, but I'm right there with ya! Especially on those days where one or both babies are fussy/demanding, I always feel bad for DD and the other baby. I really try to make special time for DD, but it is still a big shock to overnight go from being the sole focus, to being 'the big kid,' who is told "sorry, mommy is nursing/changing/tending to a baby, and can't play right now!" And, after having a singleton (who admittedly was held all the time), I feel so bad at the amount of time that my boys spend NOT in arms, but in carseats, swings, playgyms, bouncey seats, etc. I wish that moms could grow an extra set of arms with every child that they have!

    But, when I start feeling down about it, I remind myself that this is simply the way it is! My children are not onlies... they are one part of a family of 5! And, one reason why DH and I wanted multiple children was so that they would learn to share - not just material stuff but also mom and dad's time and attention. I do believe that, after some of this new baby hecticness subsides, my children will grow to be more patient, less selfish individuals, through the experience of having multiple siblings.
  9. lindsay084

    lindsay084 Well-Known Member

    i just wanted to let you know that you are not alone!! i feel the same way a lot of the time. Although, i can say that is seems to be getting easier the older the babies get. i can play with all three of them at the same time, and our schedule is a little more stable, so we have a pretty set bedtime, and DH and I can spend time together after that. just know that you are doing the best that you can, and try not to meet such high expectations!! everything will fall into place!! good luck!!
  10. clkafka

    clkafka Well-Known Member

    Thanks everyone! I think I know all this in my head, but some days I just get so emotional about it. Like when my ds asks "Do you want to play trains with me mommy?" and I can't because I have two crying babies that need to nurse! I think I have a hard time too because I am an only child, so I have no reference point on how to make it work. BUT I needed to be reminded that my children will all turn out okay and that they will gain character from being in a family with siblings. Now I have to stop typing so I can spend some time with my poor dh.

  11. mhardman

    mhardman Well-Known Member

    Even with out an older child, I have worked hard to teach them to play on the blanket by themselves and be happy. It is not necesary or reasonable to expect to hold them all day. I do at times. But even when I play I try to sit beside and play not hold them. I do snuggle when sad, tired, waking up, etc. but I don't feel like I need to all day. Now that both of mine are crawling around they love to play all over our toy room. They crawl from toy to toy and have a great time. I can work on a project or fold laundry or even get some TS time for an hour and they will be playing happy. Now that doesn't happy all day but a lot of the day. It is good for them to play together. about 4 mo I started to work on that as they were old enough to lay on a blanket and play wtih toys. If you work on teaching them how to do that life will get easier as they get older. I think then you would have mroe time for you DD. I am sure it is hard with on aolder one that I can't relate to, but with 2 you can't expect to hold them all day. Good luck, it gets so much easier.
  12. NINI H

    NINI H Well-Known Member

    I didn't read pps responses to you. But I feel like this all the time. And mine are quite a bit older than yours. I have and almost 8 yr old, and almost 6 yr old, and the twins. I homeschool my older sons. So my time is split all day long. I never have enough time in one day to do everything I need to do. Especially a lot of one on one time. But I just have to be realistic. My job is not easy, but it's definitely worth it. They all know that I love them and maybe they will grow up with an understanding that the world doesn't revolve just around them, but everyone. I can hope right?

    I think since you are so concerned you are doing a wonderful job! If you weren't, then maybe you could be neglecting something/one. But your concern just means that you are already on guard to not do that. Does that make sense? After the babies get a little older and more self sufficient it does get a whole lot easier. I may be the only twin mom that can't wait until they are walking on their own. That in and of itself will really help me out.

    HUGS!!! Your doing a wonderful job, keep up the amazing work!!!! :love0028:
  13. jfclaytor

    jfclaytor Member

    I feel the same way. As a matter of fact, I cried about it just today. I have a 4 year old. a two year old and 3 month old twins. I am so lucky and have help during the day, but some days I am running around with my older ones taking them to swimming, preschool or tennis lessons and I feel like I am not spending as much time with the twins as I did with my older ones. I did not have help before now and I try to remind myself that my 2 and 4 year old will remember these times right now. Whereas the twins are content as long as they are fed and changed. I just am sad because the time has already gone by so fast. They are almost 4 months and I know these are my last children. I just realize how short a time they are babies and it is going by too fast. I think I am still hormonal too. I haven't had my period since last April and just stopped breast feeding (pumping) 3 weeks ago. All I can do is my best and just pray about it.
  14. leticiasnow

    leticiasnow Well-Known Member

    That's why we stopped after three kids (ds and the twins). I would feel even more guilt that I can't be everywhere with everyone.
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