Need help desperately!

Discussion in 'The First Year' started by Elizabeth Thomas, Jan 3, 2012.

    I am brand new to this forum and I need help desperately. I've been trying to find a twin group in my area for 4 months, but the only one there seems to be is not very friendly to prospective members, very exclusive and difficult to contact.

    I was doing fine parenting my twins up until recently. I felt like I was doing pretty well for having two, but the older they get the harder and harder it is for me to deal with them. They were born at nearly 33 weeks and stayed in the NICU for 3 weeks. (The worst time of my life) We moved to a new house when they were barely 3 months old and we've never gotten fully moved in. They're 7.5 months old now. My crohn's disease came back with a vengeance and it is making it hard to do everyday activities, but the babies still need the same amount of care. My husband is having a rough time at work and if he has to worry about me as well as the kids as well as work he’ll break. I'm trying to be strong for him, but I can't seem to even do the most basic things around the house. Every dish in the house is dirty, there's not a stitch of clean laundry, for us OR the babies, the house is booby trapped with the mountains of clothes, toys, diapers both dirty and clean, and I can't even manage to cook. I don't have family near enough to help, and the friends I have are either new parents themselves, dealing with one child, or they do not desire to have any children, or they have WAY too many children themselves to be able to realistically be of any help. I feel like I need the help of a nanny or mother's helper or some other person, but after looking at our budget, we've only got enough to pay for gas and food. I just don't know where to turn. I am yelling at my children for yelling (that makes SO much sense doesn't it?) I've been putting them in their cribs, closing the door and letting them scream while I run to somewhere I can't hear them and just bawl my eyes out. I feel like the worst mother in the world and I feel like I have nowhere to turn for help. All the advice I can find is "hire help" and I'd love to do that but there is just enough to get us by and not a penny more. Friends are only limited help, they don't understand twins and they're really not prepared to handle two kids at once in addition to their own infant, particularly when their own children are only 2 months younger.

    I used to want 3 or 4 children, but now I do not ever want to have another child as long as I live. Don't get me wrong, my children are not little devils. People always comment on how good they are, how quiet and sweet they are, and most of the time that's true. The problem is me. I just can't handle anything. I'm a horrible parent and I don't want to be anymore. Can anyone help me? I just want to cry so much of the time.
  1. miss_bossy18

    miss_bossy18 Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    Have you talked to your doctor about how you're feeling? It sounds like you may be dealing with more than just the average emotions of the first year with twins. Postpartum depression can occur anytime within the first year & it sounds like you've had a lot going on this year in addition to having twins. :hug:

    Your doctor may also know some free or inexpensive services you may be able access for support at home as well.
  2. MNTwinSquared

    MNTwinSquared Well-Known Member

    :hug: I agree with Rachel. Have you spoken with a doctor about how you are feeing? Do you belong to a church or other organization? My twins were my first and they were 'hard' babies. They napped, but not for long periods of time. I had a woman from my church come out and help me 2 times a week. She was a God send. She helped with the babies while I could nap or do various things. :hug:

    :welcome: to Twinstuff!
  3. Rollergiraffe

    Rollergiraffe Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    Oh gosh,you sound pretty stressed, and with good reason. Infant twins are tough, especially when your partner is stressed and not able to relieve you properly and you're not quite settled in your new home.

    I agree wholeheartedly with Rachael that you should go talk to your Dr. You may be suffering from PPD, and doctors are a fantastic resource for community programs that might be able to help you. Maybe you can't afford care, but perhaps there's free care available in your town that you weren't aware of. Also see if there's any teenagers in your neighborhood that might volunteer as mother's helpers. Also look for play groups or other free ways to get out and socialize; I find that getting out of your house even when you're exhausted beyond belief can make a world of difference and change your perspective. Also contact your local twin club again. I know that sometimes they come across as unresponsive or unfriendly, but I think sometimes that it is because they're all busy twin parents themselves! At the very least they should be able to provide you with a list of potential resources for people in your situation.

    Although most of your friends have small children, why not invite them all over to help you get settled and unpacked in your home? Order a pizza, have some people watch the babies while everyone else unpacks and gets you sorted out? Just an idea.. I think you need to shake things up a bit.

    Also, as stressed as your husband may be at work, you are going to have to work something out between you so you get some relief. Frame it in a way that isn't stressful, just tell him that you can't stay on top of the house and the babies so you need him to help out even 20 minutes a day.. the bare minimum of doing the dinner dishes or getting laundry in when he gets home. And for now, let your standards slide until you can get things under control down the road.

    Hang in there. The first year is so hard for so many reasons, but once you recognize a few things you can get on top of and change things will start to turn around, I promise!
  4. cheezewhiz24

    cheezewhiz24 Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    :hug: I think checking into PPD is a good idea.

    Ask about an older kid to help. You need about a 12-14 year old mothers helper. All they have to do is entertain your babies. This will free you up to get stuff done. Right now it's overwhelming- twinfants plus moving would be! One thing at a time- a load of laundry, take out the trash and wash a few dishes. I know it's crazy right now but you can do this. I would also suggest that when the babies go to bed you AND Dh work on some of the backlog together - one can clean up the kitchen while another folds laundry/unpacks a box. 1 hour of work from each of you and you will catch up and maintain your house. As much as I don't like disposable cutlery and dinnerware, plastic and paper plates and things are your friends right now.
  5. megkc03

    megkc03 Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    : hug: :hug: :hug:

    First, I agree with pp's. I would call up your doctor and set up an appointment and look into PPD. You have had one whirlwind of a year!!

    I agree with what everyone else has said. We have all been there-in your shoes, and we are all here telling you that you can do this, and you will get through this! :hug: Do whatever you can to make life easier-if that means paper products for meals-so be it. Sandwiches for meals. I also agree that dh HAS to help you at night-whether it's 20 minutes, or an hour-you NEED his help. My dh worked, etc as well-but when he came home, he helped out. You can not do it all alone. You are both a team. And-YOU need a break. As stressful as his job may be, he leaves the house, and isn't inundated with pooping, spitting up, crying, whining, hungry, overtired, needy, twinfants!!

    You are NOT a bad mom. I can tell you, we have all left our babies in the crib crying while we could catch a breather. Or we have spent many-a-days crying into the loads of laundry that stare at us. Having an infant is hard work. Having two is really hard!! Get out. Ask for help. You may just find someone who is willing to help. :)

    Just day at a time. You will get through this. And we are all here to help you along the way! First, call up your doctor and tell him/her how you are feeling. :) And please keep us posted! :hug:
  6. FGMH

    FGMH Well-Known Member

    First of all, a big hug! You can do this - the first year is hard, but one day you will look back and realize how far you have come together!

    Second, PPs gave you lots of great advice! I agree that setting up an appointment with your doctor is the first thing you should do. Your health is important.

    I would also try to sit down with DH and set up a plan how you can get your house into working order and maintain a minimal level of comfort. The whole family will feel so much better. Make a plan, break it into small steps, be realistic about your goals and simplify the household stuff as much as possible:
    If the goal has to be one load of laundry per day and folding is too much, think about having baskets for every member of the family and doing laundry by family member. Every family member gets two baskets (the babies can probably share), one for clean and one for dirty, both set up in the bedroom or whereever you usually change, all worn clothes go in one basket and you take the fresh laundry from the other basket instead of from the closet.
    Maybe a realistic goal is unpacking two boxes per week. Maybe boxes with stuff you do not need can go in the basement for the time being, freeing up space and making the living areas more comfortable.

    Try and carve out some personal time for each of you, even if it is only half an hour twice a week and two hours each weekend. Time to do something just for yourself, take a walk, meet a friend for coffee without kids, read a book, meditate, soak in the bath - whatever you miss most.
  7. E's 3

    E's 3 Well-Known Member

    I agree with the PPs to your doctor. I had PPD after my singleton and a lot of what you wrote reminded me of feelings I had. I was told constantly how much getting up and out would help but I physically couldn't do it...the thought of it paralyzed me and usually the effort left me in tears and feeling like even more of a failure. If it is PPD getting up and getting things done or getting out of the house can seem impossible and you might need to get some other help before you can even begin to tackle these day to day tasks.

    I agree with the mothers helper suggestion. I did this last summer. I'm not sure where you live but in Canada high school students need volunteer hours to graduate...what teenage girl wouldn't love to get their hours watching babies? All I did (well DH did it ;)) was call the guidance counselors at the high school near me and give a sort of job application (what type of help you're looking for, hours, etc). The students were able to help/do whatever it was you needed (watch the babies, help cook, do laundry, house cleaning, etc) and it's free! Could be worth looking into. Hang in are NOT a bad mother. Having one baby is tough, having 2 is challenging even on the good days!!!
  8. sbcowell

    sbcowell Well-Known Member

    When I had my twins, I basically emailed nearly everyone I knew (including relatives that I hadn't spoken much to in years) and basically asked for help, of any kind! And I was surprised by the people that actually came forward to hold babies or help with laundry. And, let me point out that prior to that I NEVER asked for help from anyone, as I am stubbornly independent. I also contacted my local PPD group (which I connected with through my doctor or maybe it was through calling the city hotline can't quite remember as things are hazy from those days). I also got connected with a free babysitting group offered to mothers needing help, again I think it was through the city services and they offered it once/wk for a few hours (completely free!). If you are not part of a church, perhaps its time to join?

    hang in there, it will get better. And, even if DH can help for 30min/day that would help. Good luck. most of us have been there and we survived and you will too!
  9. kingeomer

    kingeomer Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    :hug: to you. You've received some great advice from previous posters. I do agree to talk to your OB or regular doc about PPD. You also mentioned having Crohn's Disease as well, I am wondering if through your doctor or the Crohn's/Colitis foundation if they can hook you up with someone who would be able to give you an assist.
    I also agree with looking into a mother's helper and discussing what's going on with your DH. I understand not wanting to worry him further, but I think he'd be willing to give you a break when he gets home from work or on the weekends.

    You are not a bad mother. We all do our best every day. If you have to put screaming babies in their room and you need to take 5 minutes to yourself to catch your breath,cry, drink some coffee, do it! There is nothing wrong with doing that. Please keep us posted with how you are doing!
  10. cheezewhiz24

    cheezewhiz24 Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    I also wanted to mention the pay for a mother's helper is really a non issue- I think the first time I did nominal pay of $2/hr; or $10 for the 5hrs she was there.
  11. Utopia122

    Utopia122 Well-Known Member

    I also encourage you to sign up for a Big Sis here on the website. Although you may not have friends close to you, having someone here who has BTDT to bounce ideas off of or just vent to will be a huge help!
    3 people like this.
  12. Leighann

    Leighann Well-Known Member

    :hug: I agree with everyone about calling your doctor. I also have Crohn's and after my girls were born I had a horrible flare up. After going on prednisone it got my flare under control, but it turned me into a crazy person. Not like the constant care of twinfants doesn't already do that to you. Are you part of a church or some other local organization? Do you have a local chapter of the MOTC (mother of twins club) in your area? These might be options to get some help... and even though your DH is stressed about work, you should try to talk to him about how you are feeling. :hug:
  13. 3under2!

    3under2! Well-Known Member

    In terms of your DH, I know exactly where you are coming from, I also felt like DH was busy, working, stressed, out and running the whole day etc and deserved to relax when he got home. But it just doesn't work like that, eventually the resentment will build and you will be miserable because of that, too. Instead, I tell myself that I am working the whole day too (and I am, and you are!) the only difference is that I'm not leaving the house. So when DH comes home we split the work 50-50, less work for both of us in the evening, because we've both been working the whole day. I hope that made sense. It was a hard brain switch for me to make, I always wanted to be the perfect, has-it-all-together SAHM, whose DH could walk in and relax at the end of the day. And maybe that time will come for me, when I have older kids and am not pregnant with twins or have baby twins, etc. But for now, it is what it is, and what it is is that I need lots of help, including and especially from DH.

    Lots and lots of hugs!!
  14. Thank you everyone so much. As I look at everything and line it all up, I think you are all right. I think I might have PPD. I just didn't expect to see it so late after the kids were born. I am acting crazy, reckless and I'm truly terrified of myself. I told my husband and as usual, he jumped right up to the plate and started trying to arrange help. I'm taking the twins to my in-laws house for the week and I may or may not stay with them. I do have a doctor who has become an expert in depression, and I do plan to talk to him about it. I also have a wonderful church family and the pastor and his wife also have twins, so I have talked to them a little, but I haven't told anyone of my PPD suspicions except my husband and a close friend.

    I will look into volunteer hours in high schools or something similar... That would be a godsend to us.
    1 person likes this.
  15. Rollergiraffe

    Rollergiraffe Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    :grouphug: Recognizing that you might have PPD is half the battle. I am so glad that you talked to your husband, your Dr. is a next great step. Definitely talk to your pastor and his wife; if they have twins themselves they'll definitely know where you're coming from. PPD is nothing to be ashamed of at all and if you can get a few key people to understand what you're going through and start getting you the help you need your life will turn around immensely. Best of luck to you and please check in often to let us know how things are going.
  16. megkc03

    megkc03 Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    :hug: I agree with Jen. You've taken a big first step by recognizing it. And, awesome that your dh stepped up to the plate!! Best of luck-and please check in and let us know how things are going! :hug:
  17. Leighann

    Leighann Well-Known Member

    Wonderful! I developed ppa (anxiety) when my girls were 14 months old, so it doesn't have to start immediately post partem.
  18. 3under2!

    3under2! Well-Known Member

    It's so amazing that you are taking steps to get things better!! Hopefully everything will start to improve from here on out!! :youcandoit:
  19. Thank you everyone. I went to see my doctor yesterday who is both a GI doctor and a depression expert. The crohn's disease took a shocking downward spiral and I was almost hospitalized yesterday. Instead I was sent home with steroids and some antidepressants... so now it looks like I won't be able to breastfeed anymore. That's kind of where things stand now, I guess we wait and see what happens next.
  20. miss_bossy18

    miss_bossy18 Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    I'm glad that you're able to get the help you need. That's great! Is it the steroids that are the reason you can't breastfeed? Because there are definitely antidepressants that are safe to take while breastfeeding. Is there an IBCLC in your area that you or your doctor could consult with about meds that won't interfere with breastfeeding?
  21. cheezewhiz24

    cheezewhiz24 Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    There is a sticky in the Breastfeeding and Pumping forum- double check your meds there as some docs are more informed than others as to what's safe. :hug: I'm so glad you are getting help, though.
  22. Rollergiraffe

    Rollergiraffe Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    I am so glad that you're ok! I agree that you should check your meds on the list that Michelle mentioned; I was surprised to learn what is safe and what isn't, but most docs aren't up on that and tell you to stop bf'ing to be safe. But, if you do have to stop bf'ing it's worth it for your own health. :hug:
  23. The steroids, the anti-depressants, and just the plain fact that I am about 20 pounds underweight and can count ribs with my eyes closed. The emotions of stopping against my will are more than I thought they'd be, but I've got to do it, for their sake as well as mine. It's just so much easier to whip out a breast than to prepare and warm a bottle. Besides that it is kind of nice most of the time.
  24. megkc03

    megkc03 Well-Known Member TS Moderator


    A trick I did when I fed the boys in the night: before going to bed I would fill two bottles with hot water and leave them on the counter. That way-they weren't cold for them. And generally speaking, they were nice and warm. I also would pre measure the formula so all I had to do was dump it in the bottle. I got the formula dispensers at Babies R Us. A few tricks that helped in the middle of the night.

  25. mama_dragon

    mama_dragon Well-Known Member

    Just a quick bit of advice. You don't have to warm the bottles. Heard that in a breast feeding class. There is absolutely no reason to warm a bottle other then making you more tired and the baby more mad at 3 am. The boys came home from the NICU at 3 wks +. I managed a couple weeks warming bottles. After that they got it straight from the fridge. No issues.

    Glad you got some medication and I hope you feel better soon. I have IBD and complications post c-section meant I went home from the hospital weighing my pre-pregnancy weight, on medication and drinking ensure. I was never able to produce enough milk to breastfeed exclusely. Your babies will be just fine! And they will have a healthy mommy to care for them which is way more important!
  26. miss_bossy18

    miss_bossy18 Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    :hug: I imagine it is very difficult but it sounds like you've made the right choice for you. Hang in there. :hug:
  27. carrie-

    carrie- Well-Known Member

    Hi - just a quick reply - everyone on here has already done a good job of giving advice, but I just wanted join in with some of my thoughts. I did have a little PPD with my first set, nothing I seeked out help for - I didn't even realize it was happening until way after it had passed. If I could go back in time, I'd have sought help as soon as I felt even a little overwhelmed.

    But what I was also going to suggest (and it might not help right now, until you get a few weeks of antidepressants under your belt) (AND you might already be doing this) is to get the babies on a coordinated schedule if possible. At 7.5 months, they should be taking at least 2 good naps per day. It might take some time - and effort (my 7 month old twins do NOT like being on a regular nap schedule, they'd catnap their lives away if they could) but getting them to sleep at about the same time every day would give you a few hours for YOU. Be it a nap, a shower, a little laundry (it will not go away on its own, unfortunately...).

    I can try to give you ideas on how to get them on a good nap schedule if you want to message me. Again, my second set aren't 100% there yet, I'm still working through the process and I have the help of daycare too, but every once in a while my planets align and all 4 kids sleep for an hour or two on the weekends AT THE SAME TIME. I can't tell you how nice it is to get even an hour back in my week to focus on ME. (And maybe get a load of laundry folded without "assistance" from my 23 month olds).

    Best of luck - hang in there. It does get easier.
  28. I do have them on a 2 nap a day schedule, which helps, but only for the time that they are asleep. As soon as they're up it's all back with a vengeance. I had help of my mother-in-law for a couple of days, but she really can't help out like she'd like since she had a heart attack last year and really can't do twinfants.

    I finally got the prescriptions filled so I start them tonight... wish me luck.
  29. Rollergiraffe

    Rollergiraffe Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    Best of luck to you. Taking care of yourself is the most important thing right now; you can't take care of the kiddos if you're not in good shape!
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