Other kids setting a bad example for mine!

It all began about 3 months ago when my parents came over one night to pick up something from my home office. My husband and I and my best friend and her hubby were playing cards at the kitchen table. My two boys (3 yrs) and her two boys (4 & 6) were playing in the back bedroom. We had the monitor on..but everything just sounded kinda muffled. The next day my mom told me that she heard the older two boys saying some mean things to my boys and that one of my boys was actually cornered on his bed looking scared to death as the other one was threating "do not tell or I will hurt you". Needless to say after this I started to pay more attention to how they all play together and I now NEVER leave them alone together.

Her kids are soooooo LOUD! They play swords and wrestle constantly. On New Years one of my boys came up and had a screwdriver in his hand and told me he was going to kill me. When I ask who tells him this stuff...they always say "Preston says that". I made the mistake of saying something to my b.f.f. about one incident "poop on your face" that was taught to my boys..now there seems to be a little bit of a rift. Whenever we invite them over and the kids are playing... she always tells me that her kids are just NORAML boys and that if thier behavior is stressing me then they will just go home. I personally think they are bad influences on my kids and don't really want them to spend time with them until they are older and understand just what they are doing...but I have no idea how to keep them seperated. My boys have also started to talk in this goofy voice and act all slap happy as they try to constantly show off for others. This was def. learned from her two kids!!!! They act like that all the time!

HELP!! This is my best friend whom we spend holidays together and were even planning a 2 week trip to Hawaii this summer. I don't know what to do...are her kids just normal boys? Is it just an age difference? Most importantly... what do I do????????????

 

I can completely understand where you are coming from. Unfortunately, we have dealt with a similiar situation around here. In our case, the bad influences where my own nephews. Things were a little strained and tensed for a while (mainly because DH & I wouldn't back down) but now my brother and SIL have finally decided to see our view point and things have gotten better.

I think the first conflict arises (what causes the rift) is because they (the other parents) think you are judging them in how they are raising their children. Instead of them stepping back from the picture and realizing that you are not saying anything negative about their parenting style, they are taking it personally. So, to answer your question "What do you do?"...if you have a problem with something that is directly affecting your kids and you don't like it, speak up! In our case, it was wrestling. My nephews (7&3) wrestle ALL the time. They would then come over and wrestle with our two. It was all in fun and games at first, but I started noticing my DS was getting rougher and rougher and rougher. I think it was a problem not only age wise (they didn't know that it was just playing and someone would always get hurt), but also it was a gender issue too. Girls are not typically as rough as boys. So, it never failed DD would always end up in tears. All day long all I heard was crying from DD because DS was trying to wrestle with her. I finally had to put a stop to it. I told the nephews that they weren't allowed to wrestle with them anymore. I think at first my brother and SIL thought I was just picking on their boys and being waaaaay too overprotective, but eventually they began to understand. Thank goodness.

In your case, I think some of it might be an age diffence and some of it might be typical for boys. Some boys are rough and tough and some parents are OK with that. It sounds like alot of your complaints, though are the way they talk. The 4 year old is probably learning ALOT from his 6 year old brother. I don't blame you for not leaving them alone to play. I would keep a very close eye on them too (after what your mom witnessed). As far as the way your kids are speaking after around them, I would just address that with your kids. You can't always shelter them from what everyone says, but you can make it a rule that we don't talk that way in our house. I wouldn't nit pick the way your friends kids act, but at the same time if it is becoming a major issue in your household by your kids hanging out with them then I think you will have to set some boundaries and some rules that need to be followed in your own home. Sit your friend down and talk to her. Tell her your concerns for your children in a non-accusatory, non-deragotory way. If she is truly a friend, she will understand. She may not agree, but she should still understand. Good luck..this kind of thing is always a sticky situation. :hug:

 

Oh my, I have the same problem. My best friend's 4 year old daughter terrorizes my two year old girls, and she's an awful influence. She yells, throws things, hits her mother, and generally throws temper tantrums every thirty seconds. When we visit my girls spend half the time just staring at her because they've never seen anyone behave like that and they spend the rest of the time running away from her because her noise and unpredictability scares them. I have no idea how to handle the situation because my BF sees no issue with how her daughter acts. I've tried to mention things casually, but I'm either being too subtle for BF, or maybe she's ignoring me because she doesn't want to deal with me criticizing her child (and her parenting style).

So I guess I have nothing to add to your post... just a lot of commiseration!

 

Trying to tak it out first, and just explain that with your kids being younger, that these behaviors are not quite "age appropriate for your kids yet" (actually I think they are never appropriate, but you obviously dont have to say that, and I might be eating my words when my kids turn 4 and 6yrs old!). You can also explain to your kids - this is the way they act, but your children are to act a different way. I have just started to encounter this with kids in my neighbourhood - my kids see other kids (who are younger then them) running on these cement barriers (which have hard, prickly plants on either side), I have never let them play on these barriers, and they accept that. But, it has become harder as they see more kids do it. But, I just stay strong on my points, and have consequences if they dont listen - it took a few times, but they seem to understand now. And, I agree that you probably should keep an eye on them when they play together, that way you can stop any behavior right as it happens.
I am sorry you are having to go through this, especially with a bff, that is not easy. But, hopefully you guys can all work it out!