Potty: Self Directed or Training? Need some advice

I have been very laid back with potty training. My daughter sometimes wears underwear, sometimes pull ups, sometimes diapers. I am curious about those who let their kids lead the charge. Did you do nothing to encourage the potty? Did you keep them in diapers and they told you when they did not want to wear them anymore?
Right now my daughter will pee on the potty 50% of the time. This is totally self directed - I might ask her if she has to go which she sometimes does, but for the most part she just announces she has to go and goes. She can be wearing either underwear,diaper or pull up when she does this. The problem: She never poops on the potty. Instead she will stop whatever she is doing (TV, game, anything) and take herself into another room or away from whatever situation she is in and poop in her diaper/pull up in private. When I ask her why she does not use the potty she can not articulate a reason. Similarly, when I notice her walking off to do her business I'll stop her and very postively/encouragingly offer the potty (with the jelly bean reward) but she just says "don't see me mommy". Today I sat her on the potty during this incident, but nothing. 5 minutes after getting her diaper back on, she pooped. She voluntarily used the potty for pee 3 times today....

Any suggestions? I am getting frustrated, since she makes a concious choice to go somewhere to go poop, I don't get why that somewhere is not the potty!

Is this the time to back off/ignore it or as a friend suggested, go cold turkey on the diapers and after a couple of messy days it might click.

 

I have been very laid back with potty training. My daughter sometimes wears underwear, sometimes pull ups, sometimes diapers. I am curious about those who let their kids lead the charge. Did you do nothing to encourage the potty? Did you keep them in diapers and they told you when they did not want to wear them anymore?
Right now my daughter will pee on the potty 50% of the time. This is totally self directed - I might ask her if she has to go which she sometimes does, but for the most part she just announces she has to go and goes. She can be wearing either underwear,diaper or pull up when she does this. The problem: She never poops on the potty. Instead she will stop whatever she is doing (TV, game, anything) and take herself into another room or away from whatever situation she is in and poop in her diaper/pull up in private. When I ask her why she does not use the potty she can not articulate a reason. Similarly, when I notice her walking off to do her business I'll stop her and very postively/encouragingly offer the potty (with the jelly bean reward) but she just says "don't see me mommy". Today I sat her on the potty during this incident, but nothing. 5 minutes after getting her diaper back on, she pooped. She voluntarily used the potty for pee 3 times today....

Any suggestions? I am getting frustrated, since she makes a concious choice to go somewhere to go poop, I don't get why that somewhere is not the potty!

Is this the time to back off/ignore it or as a friend suggested, go cold turkey on the diapers and after a couple of messy days it might click.

 

I kept them in diapers until they either asked for underwear (this was the case for Kayla) or when diapers were becoming a challenge because of the tabs and taking them off to use the potty soo much (Kyle). Kayla had a similar poop issue in the beginning, she would wait until her naptime or bedtime pullup. Usually it was bedtime and she would come to the door about 2 minutes after me tucking her in telling me she needed to be changed. She never went in her underwear. We had a break through one day when we were at the ped and she just couldn't hold it. She went into the bathroom there and went with no problems. We never had another issue. I think alot of children have the poop issue and in most cases it takes some kind of break through to overcome it. Unfortunately, some children will start to have constipation issues because of holding it. That is definitely something you want to try to avoid if at all possible.

Children have various reason why they do not want to poop on the potty, often times it can be as simple as the potential 'splash'. I wonder if you try her in underwear if she will not go hide to go in her pants?

 

Self directed absolutely with a little encouragement from you. I'm a very strong believer that you cannot train unless they are ready. I also believe you can cause constipation issues. Personally my strategy is this. I try for a few days or even just 1 day. If its a nightmare then go back to diapers. I don't even use pullups or underwear for training. I just say lets try and go potty together. Or ask if they want to try. Sometimes we'll just go naked for a bit and I'll watch closely for any signs. But I still keep them in diapers. My 1st born was 3 when she trained and it happened in just a few days. #2 was 2.7 yrs and she did it in 1 day! We just tried and she was ready and that was that. I'd tried just 3ish wks before and she pooped on the floor lol! #3 my son was 3.6 when he finally got it but the boy at 5.3 yrs old still prefers me to wipe his butt lol! So don't worry she'll get it when she's ready. Just try for a bit and if it doesn't work take a break for a few weeks and try again. I think they get some learning/training from this and then boom! they get it. Good luck!

 

Part of it could be personality traits for her. My oldest was waring underpants and going pee on the toilet around 3.5 (when he decided he was ready it was an over night change), but he WOULD NOT go BM in the potty and would ask for a pullup. I didn't push it and he was using the toilet for BMs just around his 4th birthday. He is very slow to adabapt to things and he just needed time. My daughter on the other hand, was out of diapers and in underware 24/7 by 26 months and I did very little other to encourage her when she was showing interest. She never had any issues with going BM in the toilet. It will be interesting to see how Zach and Hannah do on this one.

I should also add that with my first, he would start using th epotty for a while and then stop and then go back. So, by the time he was ready for underpants, he already knew what to do and what it felt like to need to go to the bathroom. That is also how it went with my second, but for her there was only one time back to the diapers before she was in the underpants.

 

All these PP's are good advice. I would only like to add that I have one with "willingness to go" problems that has led to "I won't poop at all" serious problems. I would be SO HAPPY if she would choose to poop in her pants...just to poop at all. It sounds as though your daughter is going through a normal stage. I fully agree with letting the kids lead the way in PT. Don't make a big deal about it. You might try an extra special reward for pooping in the potty...or even trying. I say give it time. Encourage her with words. Take her to the bathroom with you when YOU go poop. Let her flush the toilet and watch the poop go down. I know, it's gross, but they have to understand that it's "normal" to poop in the potty. "Normal" to them is still going in their pants. Hope this helps.

 

BTW: I had to laugh at your daughter's response "you don't see me mommy". I got similar reactions when the girls are doing things they know they shouldn't be doing, or when they WANT to do something bad. They ask me to "oh would you please leave" or "you don't want to see me mommy." You will look back on that as being adorable. I miss the younger stages so much already! Enjoy what you can.

 

I haven't done much in the way of potty training yet - but I have many many mommy friends who say #2 is challenging - and some kids don't really get it until they are 4!!

 

Ryenn will not poop in the potty. She has developed the same habit as your daughter. But now she tries to hold it as well and some slips out a little each day. I talked to the doctor and she said do not discuss this with her. let her do it with no pressure from you. She knows where is goes but poopy on the potty will come. THe doctor mentioned to me it might be another couple of months but she will eventuall do it. I probably stressed her out. Now it has been only a couple of days and she just does one big poop each day either in her panties or pullups. I am not having the holding issues with her.

As far as peepee, I would just take the diapers away. Have her throw them out and tell her that she just has the potty. It sounds like she is ready, she just needs some consistency. But that is my opinion. I know we are all different with this aspect. But with the personality of my kids it worked. Good luck!

 

We have been super laid back here- I bought pottys when they were pretty young, maybe a year and a half or so, and put them in the living room, the playroom and bathrooms. I waited for them to become interested in them. We recently started wearing undies in the house (so they can practice pulling down/up pants), but for the last however many months, we were just naked and they peed and pooed in the potty for the most part. At this point they just announce it or just walk over to the closest potty and use it. We always have a treat (1 dried apricot for pee, 2 for poo). We use still diapers for nap/bed. The threshold i need to cross is leaving the house in undies. Today we went to a friend's house and Lilah peed in her pants in the car and Sadie peed twice at my friend's house. I praised Sadie and just changed Lilah's pants. No big deal.

I think the biggest thing is to make NO big deal out of anything. I am sure it can be frustrating but you have to remain positive. It sounds like you have a grip on that aspect anyway.

 

FYI in Russia and other republics of the former USSR they start to potty train their babies before they are even 12 month old, and by 10-12 month of age their babies are potty trained with no stress whatsoever. Why so early? Because not everyone there can afford diapers on the daily basis, 10-15 years ago there was no disposable diapers at all. I affraid that the longer you wait - the stronger stress is expecting for your little one. When they are younger, they just don't care that much, but when you are making 3 y.o. to do something different from what she's used to do for all of her life, it's like someone would all of the sadden make you eat everything with the chopsticks.

 

I am going to wait until mine are ready, they don't have the signs of being ready yet, so I"m not a big help. But I plan on waiting until they are good and ready, I don't want a long drawn out process. I am hoping for this summer, I figure it will be easier when it is warm outside to start training and maybe do the running around naked idea for them to figureo ut the cause/effect.

As for the pooping, I would maybe just encourage her to poop in her diaper IN the bathroom. If she is uncomfortable pooping on the potty, bring her into the bathroom when she is trying to poop and leave her so she can have her privacy. That way she gets the idea of at least going to the bathroom at the same time as pooping, even it if isn't all there yet. Then tell her that when she is ready to be a big girl she can go on the potty. I have also heard of others actually putting a diaper on the potty to poop in, that way the child is on the potty, but still has the diaper. Eventually you take the diaper away. Again, gradual transitions, but they may help.

 

Thank you so much for the advice. I am going to try and back off and see what happens. I really like encouraging her ot use the bathroom as her private place to do poop, even if it is in her diaper, just to get in the habit. It always helps to know this is normal and that she will not be wearing a diaper at her high school graduation!