Potty Training-Negative Reinforcement?

Discussion in 'The Toddler Years(1-3)' started by mtnmama, Oct 3, 2011.

  1. mtnmama

    mtnmama Well-Known Member

    My girls are turning three in two weeks and are still not potty trained! It's driving me bonkers because I know they can do it - at home I keep them with bare butts and they never ever have accidents. I don't have to remind them to use the potty - they just trot off and use it like it's second nature.

    As soon as I put pants or underwear on them, though, it's a different story. They just pee their pants like they are infants and one will poop her pants and not even tell us. Argh!

    In any case, I know the current parenting philosophy is to just change them and say "it's okay, you'll try again next time" when they have accidents, but I've been doing this for 9 months and - really, it is not okay and this approach is not working. I'm wondering if anyone has tried negative reinforcement to encourage potty usage. Like, "if you pee your pants, we'll have to leave whatever fun activity we are doing." Or, if they have an accident, at least tell them in a firm voice "I am not happy you peed (or pooped) in your pants - it is not okay to wet your pants".

    I feel like they have no real motivation to use the potty - if they wet their pants, mom just changes them and they go on their merry way.
     
  2. Utopia122

    Utopia122 Well-Known Member

    My personal opinion is to never use negative reinforcement for pottying. But this is mainly because I used it with my son, and it was a nightmare and did no good at all, and I used positive reinforcement for my girls and it really was a better course of action for us. Positive reinforcement was much less stressful and when I just gave up trying to forced them to pee on my time schedule, it really resulted in less tears and frustration on my part (which is all I remember with my son). All of my kids were 3.5 or older before they were potty trained. For my girls, sticker charts worked like a charm. I actually carried them with me, so that whenever they went, they got a sticker, no matter where we were. When their chart was full, we went to the toy store. Still use the sticker charts to this day for trips to the toy store (the only time they go to the toy store is when they fill their chart).

    Just on a side note, it took my Sarah 6 months AFTER she started peeing in the potty to actually start pooping in the potty, and, I carried a darn potty seat in my van for A YEAR before my girls would ever use a public restroom (they were 4.5 when they finally got up enough courage to try and even now, if the potty is too big or not clean enough, they refuse to use it). Talk about frustrating! It would have done me no good to give them ultimatums for pottying. I mean, of course it is very upsetting, but that just would have never worked for my kids, and then I would have ended up being the one frustrated and mad, and we would all be upset. For me, potty training is the ABSOLUTE WORSE part of raising kids. It was a year of potty training hell before my girls gave up the portable potty and training pants completely.

    Good luck, I completely understand how frustrating PT is!!
     
  3. sbcowell

    sbcowell Well-Known Member

    Can you honestly just back off completely of potty training and give yourself a break? It sounds like you are all so would up about it that you are all stressed, and the kids may be picking up on that and acting out as a result. I wish I had a magic answer for you : ) Hang in there.

    Not being potty trained at 3 is not a big deal, it will come! Once you start up again in a month or so can u start using a positive reinforcement sticker chart? Each time they pee or poo they get a sticker and after a few stickers (maybe 3 or 4) they get a small surprise. Keep the rewards in short duration in the beginning and as they get better at it you can make them achieve more stickers to receive a reward.

    To me, if kids don't get it after about 3-7 days of "potty training" then they are probably not ready and I would shelf the entire idea and bring it out again in a month or two.

    Good luck
     
  4. kingeomer

    kingeomer Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    I agree with both Rachel and Isis. I know negative reinforcement would have set both of my kids back big time if I used it for PT-ing. I agree that a break from PT-ing might help all 3 of you out. My son was difficult to PT. He had actually gotten to the point where he had a day that he held his pee and poo for 16 hours :faint: and then would only pee and poo when it was nap time and bed time. I found, even though I knew he could use the potty because he had done it before with success, that putting him back in diapers and backing off for month- 6 weeks worked out best for him and me.
    Like Rachel's girls, my son will not use a public restroom. He is terrified that he is going to fall in the potty. So when we are out in public and are going to be out for a while, we bring his little potty with us in case he has to go. My DD uses public restrooms just fine.
    I also agree with some type of reward system. M&Ms worked like a charm for my DD and a sticker chart worked for my DS...but what did it for him was being able to put the stickers on the chart himself.
     
  5. lisaessman@verizon.net

    [email protected] Well-Known Member

    My three older girls were all completely PT'd by age 3, and it was never a huge chore. The twins were different though. I started at least three times and then ended up realizing that they just weren't quite ready. About a month after their third birthday I tried again and put our leftover jellybeans in a gumball machine. Every time the girls went on the potty they got a penny and were able to buy their own jellybean themselves. It definitly provided incentive for them, and I think they liked putting the penny in more than eating the candy. We only used a pull-up if we were going to be somewhere that a bathroom wasn't available, like one of the older girls' lacrosse games. After about two weeks we put the beans away. We used sticker charts with our older girls.
     
  6. Leighann

    Leighann Well-Known Member

    My girls weren't trained until 3y1m and 3y2m. If you make it a power struggle with negative reinforcement, they will always win because they can control it. If you back off for a little while and/or do a sticker chart for keeping undies/pants dry, they still control it but you are working toward the same goal of being PT'ed. Good luck!!!
     
  7. Danibell

    Danibell Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    I agree with backing off for a little awhile. I know how frustrating it is to know they can do it but they won't!! :hug: My oldest son was almost 3 when he decided he wanted to wear big boy undies. My oldest dd was 3.5 before she made the decision. I tried several times with both of them earlier and they just didn't "get it" yet. Once they made the choice though, it was so simple pt'ing them! My dd was night and day trained almost instantly.

    My twins are just over 2.5 and right now I have their potties in the bathroom and they like to sit on them sometimes when I'm in there. My ds even peed in it the other day. But they are nowhere near ready to actually pt, they have no clue when they *need* to pee, they just know when it happens or after it happens.
     
  8. mtnmama

    mtnmama Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the replies!

    I've tried the stickers, M&Ms, bribing with ice cream if they stay dry all day - all the tricks that other people say work for them. I also took a two month break and just tried again recently. It just seems ridiculous that they are still peeing (and pooping) in their underwear! I read a statistic that said that 95% of kids were potty trained by 18 months in the 1950s - so, obviously there is something going on in American parenting culture these days that is making potty training more difficult. Of course, I can't imagine my girls being potty trained at that age - they were so scattered and crazed at 18 month!

    I know that part of the problem is that at preschool they are required to wear pull-ups until they are 100% potty trained so they don't get a consistent message about the potty. I wonder if I ditch the pull-ups and get cloth diapers maybe they'll figure out that peeing in their pants is not very nice or comfortable.

    (Also, my girls do fine on public restrooms - they just seem to think that peeing in the potty is optional!)
     
  9. Danibell

    Danibell Well-Known Member TS Moderator


    I believe it was more along the lines of the parents were trained, not the kiddo's ;) My personal opinion of potty training is not consistently taking my kids every hour, or following a clock. I don't consider them trained until they can tell me they *need* to go, and then going. While some kids do potty train early, there's no way that 95% of them knew when they needed to go at 18 months old ;) If that were the case, 3 out of 4 of my kids should have been ready at 18 months, and there's no way in heck they were ready ;)
     
    4 people like this.
  10. elhardy26

    elhardy26 Well-Known Member

    I would agree not to use negative reinforcement, although, I posted this same post about a year ago....

    I ended up giving up potty training for a while. If they don't care about going in their pants or about rewards, then it is never going to work. I put them back in diapers and pretended to throw out all their underware and they were like, "oh, oh well". So frustrating. But then about 2 months later they wanted to wear underware again and it was smooth sailing from there. good luck!
     
  11. dfaut

    dfaut 30,000-Post Club

    I don't know .... I"m on the fence a little. I would keep pants on them at home, where they have success while naked. Train them to start using the potty there. Then I would absolutely leave a fun activity if they have an accident. That's life. It doesn't have to be a :grr: type leaving, but a matter of fact "Well, we can't stay, because you had an accident. It's really important to listen to your body when it says it has to go potty" ... then I would leave. I would also watch them like hawks and make them go when they start showing the signs.

    You started pretty early, and I think it takes longer that way. You can do it!! :hug: I know how unbelievably frustrating it is!!! Hang in there!
     
    1 person likes this.
  12. AmynTony

    AmynTony Well-Known Member

    consequences were the ONLY thing that motivated my son to poop on the potty...he knew how to pee, knew WHEN he had to poop and would seriously just stand in the middle of where ever we were (a store, a party, a park) and deliberately sh!t his pants - for MONTHS!!! So finally after 3+ months of this the last time he did it I made HIM throw out his precious Cars underwear and told him that if he couldn't be a big boy that pooped on the potty he was not going to be allowed to play on the computer anymore - lo and behold it never happened again...

    he was also nearly 3.5 at the time and had been pee trained since a month after his 3rd birthday...

    my opinion is by no means popular but it worked...
     
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