Refereeing fights?

Seriously, this is my biggest grip (next to throwing of food)…I don’t know what to do.

The twins fight over everything and they are only 14 months. They push, pull and grab from each other (mainly my Daughter who is a ball of trouble). My son is very sensitive and on the quiet side and he’s tormented by his sister who will purposefully take things out of his hand and then walk a few steps away and put it down (meanwhile, he’s crying crocodile tears and pitching a fit). He’s quietly playing with a toy and she’ll barrel over toward him and push him aside…another fit begins.

I’ve even tried putting him in the gated area with some toys so he has some peace, but that doesn’t seem right. While he is ok with that for a while, it just seems like I’m penning him off from the rest of the house. My daughter hates the Superyard gated area. When my son is in it, she’s standing shaking the gate…I swear to get on his nerves.

Now, I’ve tried to redirect and it doesn’t work. My daughter seemed to like the negative attention and did it more and more so I stopped redirecting. Then I tried paying more attention to the “wronged” child and he’s needy to begin with and he just fed off the attention and cried more and more.

What to do???????

Seriously, I’m at my wits end with this. There has got to be a way to keep the peace, or at least plant the seeds of sharing and being nice to each other.

Any thoughts or suggestions or commiseration appreciated!

 

I wish I had an answer for you, but I wanted to tell you I am so glad to see your post, because we have that exact same problem here! Mine are about to turn 16 months old. They don't necessarily fight, but DS is much bigger than DD, and he was mobile before she was. Anything she has, and I do mean anything (even if he already has his own), he wants, and he takes. He doesn't always do it in an aggressive manner, just matter of factly muscles his way in and takes it. If she is sitting in a chair and he is sitting in a chair, he will cross the room to her and push her out of her chair. Sometimes she cries, sometimes she doesn't seem to care...three times she bit him (one thing she does have more of is teeth!). I try not to get involved unless she is getting hurt (or he is). I don't want to teach her that I'll save her every time she screams. But at the same time, I don't want him to learn he can take whatever he wants and get away with it. Very difficult! They don't understand sharing...and they don't really get consequences. But I do try to say "no, you have your own, here" and redirect or distract. Not sure what else to do...

 

I would keep on being consistent. Have you tried putting the disputed toy or item being fought over in time out? I found at that age, besides redirection, that did help my kids to stop fighting for a bit. I would also remind the kids about sharing and praise them when you do see them playing nice together. As they got a little older (around 16 months) we started using time outs for the kids (in our house, TO worthy behaviors are hitting, biting, kicking).

 

Have you tried showing them how to swap interesting items? If one of my LOs wants something the other has he or she needs to offer something attractive in return. We atarted doing this with books, i.e. if you want the book your sibling is looking at, offer another book. Then we encourage the one being offered a swap to take it although we will not enforce it. If te sibling being offered the swap item does not want to swap, we will shower praise and attention on the one offering to swap, and that usually is enough to distract from the disappointment. It was hard work at first, but with consistency they really seem to understand the concept and have stopped grabbing things from the other one a lot; they are 16 months now.

You could also try encouraging them to share, i.e. if one wants a toy the other has, have them both come to you with it and show them how to play with it together, introducing some other toys along the way.

I agree with PP - time out for the toy being fought over is also worth a try.

Any of these strategies will require a lot of consistency and attention on your part to prevent fighting/grabbing and the crying response before it happens if possible.

 

I try hard not to intervene, but for us my ds is the one who barrels in and steals toys, and then Rylee would either try to steal it back or end up crying. If liam stole a toy, and rylee just found something else to play with, I just left it alone. But if she started crying, I would get the two of them together and try to give liam a different toy to play with and get him to give rylee her toy back. It didn't work all the time, but it was a start. You do have to be consistent with it. I also did toy time outs if they were really fighting over a toy, within a couple of mins both had forgotten about it and moved on to something else.

I found that age was the hardest because all they understand is "me me me" and "mine mine mine". There was a lot of "No no you have to share" and "She/he had that first, let's share" and "Be nice!" :lol: But it's slowly getting better. I see the rewards of all our consistency when they bring each other a toy to play with, a paci, a juice cup or a snack or cookie....it does work, it just takes time, some maturity on their part, and consistency! :hug:

 

Many times I do not intervene. But for the times I have...there is a book called Love and Logic and a book called Siblings Without Rivalry that you could read snippets of that would help you greatly I think. What you practice now may not produce immediate results. Mine were the same way at that age, but now at 20 mos they rarely fight. They have moments for sure, but the consistency is starting to pay off. Now they team up against me..lol! Anyway, it is important not to give too much attention to the "picked on" one because it usually causes the bully to act up more - since that is the way to get your attention. This is so hard, but try to consistently praise the instigator when she is playing nicely as much as you can. If they get into trouble, rather than point to the instigator and coddle the victim, make a lesson loosely around the situation rather than the children.

I use "we" a lot. So, in a sad, empathetic voice, say "oh no, we don't steal toys from each other. I know you (instigator) want to play with that toy and it is hard to wait. (look to victim) It doesn't feel good when a toy is taken from you. Let's take turns. Make it about each of them in their individual circumstances - do not pit one against the other. Then role play letting each have a quick turn at watching each other play for a couple seconds with a toy. Then redirect the instigator to another toy. Or, if they can't work it out, say the toy needs to take a break for a while. Then (this is important), give them each hugs and tell them you love them while moving them to a different activity.

I know, sounds crazy. Zoe was such a bully. But now, I swear, after months of persistence she protects her sister. When other kids are around she wants to take the toys and give them to Jude - she says "Jude's beebee", etc. It is a crack up so now we are working on sharing with outsiders on our turf...heh heh. Anyway, the love and logic stuff is really good. Good luck - this is exhausting work!

 

I just wanted to say we are in the same boat except the roles are reversed. DS has done everything first, so his bullying actually started when he was crawling and DD wasn't. He would crawl over, pluck a toyout of her hands, and crawl away! She is also very sensitive and will cry even when he doesn't hurt her. The funny thing is he is significantly smaller. We say he has short-man's syndrome!

I usually tell DS that she had the toy first and either give it back to her or put the toy away for a while. DD will cry over anything so unless she is actually hurt I just look at her and say "you're ok". We also do timeouts for hitting or biting as well as throwing toys (usually at sister's head or at mommy in response to being told no). I agree with being consistent. It may seem like it doesn't work now but they will get it. Mine are starting to get better in the last few weeks!