So frustrated with my soon to be 12 year old

Discussion in 'General' started by twinkler, Feb 19, 2012.

  1. twinkler

    twinkler Well-Known Member

    This is more a vent really because I know these challenges are normal, but I can't help but feel alienated from her at the moment because I'm so angry.

    First of all, she started high school this year (Grade 7) and is now catching a bus to school. School for us, started three weeks ago with the new year.

    Second week of term, she left her sports bag on the bus, brand new sports uniform and sports shoes. Called the bus company and school every day for 4 days, nobody handed it in. Looked for a second hand uniform at the school, nothing in her size, so went and bought her another set of new uniform and shoes (total cost $130). I've said that I'm going to take out $10 per month of her pocket money until it's paid back (she only just started receiving pocket money).

    Two days later, she finds the bag! She was walking past the woodwork staffroom and saw it. Said that she had asked the woodwork teacher but it had been a different teacher who had found it! Regardless, I now have two sets of sports uniform and two pairs of sports shoes!

    Then last week, she didn't close the deep freezer door properly and half the freezer defrosted! I grounded her for a week for being so forgetful about this and the sports uniform!

    Tonight, I asked her to turn the oven on at 5pm while I was bathing the babies and then put the chicken in to roast at 5.30 (she has been asking me to teach her to cook and I had prepared everything earlier) so I called down at 5.30 to double check and yes she had put in the chicken. I come downstairs at 6pm to put the potatoes in, and she hadn't turned the dial to "oven" which turns the oven on! So she had put the chicken into a cold oven!

    So no dinner tonight! I am so furious, I rushed around like crazy to get everything ready for a roast and now nothing! Our oven takes half an hour to heat so unless I want to eat at 8.30!! Oh I am so mad. We very rarely have a roast these days and I was so looking forward to it. DH is working 7 days this week so not much of a break for me.

    I feel lately that I'm getting annoyed with her, with all these forgetfulness issues. The oven dial not being turned on, is the third time this has happened.

    It's just driving me insane.

    I really want a good relationship with her, as I had a terrible relationship with my mum in my teenage years, so I'm really trying to overcome my irritability with her, but I just don't know what to do.

    She's disappeared upstairs now, probably a good thing as I was so angry because I feel my time is so precious and there it is wasted.
  2. rrodman

    rrodman Well-Known Member

    None of these sound like reasons to be so angry you are alienated from her. She's 12. She's forgetting things. She's not perfect. None of these incidents is her doing something defiantly or purposefully. I'm 35, and I've forgotten a step in preheating the oven and not gotten the freezer all the way closed and lost something important. I know it's frustrating, and I would remind her about being careful and make her pay for the new uniform, but I don't think you should be that angry with her for accidents. Honestly, your whole post made me feel sad for her--not you. (I'm not trying to be mean. I do the exact same thing with my kids and sometimes we need reminders that they are kids).
    1 person likes this.
  3. MarchI

    MarchI Well-Known Member

    So when you are twelve, this is your thought process:

    boys,unicorns,books,homework,clothes,COOK??,boys,tvshows... all in the span of 10 secs. IF she is being forgetful, perhaps you can work with her to be less so. If she is starting high school a year early, that is a big thing for her probably occupying 90% of her brain. I say you take her mistake and turn it into a funny and see if there is a way you can help her be less forgetful. Maybe have a chart that shows how to operate the oven for her to double check (mine is hung in the closet over the oven and despite having cooked with it for 2 years now, I still reference it from time to time). From your description, she doesn't have bad intention, she just needs a bit more help.
  4. twinkler

    twinkler Well-Known Member

    Sure I know they're accidents and that she is a kid and that she's not perfect (who is? especially a 12 year old?)

    I think I started my post by saying that these challenges are normal. My post was a vent about how I was feeling, I certainly wasn't trying to get you to feel sorry or sad for me. I find your flippancy a bit offensive when I was looking for support in how to overcome my feelings about being unrational, yet I feel that your reply has made me even more angry and perhaps you should be a little bit careful in how you word your replies to someone who is already feeling that she needs support?
  5. twinkler

    twinkler Well-Known Member

    Thank you, you are right of course. The rational side of me totally agrees, I just need that side to come out more often! I usually do turn our mistakes into funnies, I'm just struggling at the moment to find the funny side and I just don't know why, I'm not normally like this and I guess I am more frustrated at myself for not being that person who used to be able to laugh these things off.

    And of course she doesn't have bad intention, she really is the most beautiful little girl and these things are just so minor.. just been one of those weeks I guess.
  6. rrodman

    rrodman Well-Known Member

    Seriously? I said that I dealt with the same challenges myself and thought sometimes we needed to step back as parents. I was trying to help. If my post made you angry, it's because of how you chose to read it and how you feel about YOUR behavior, not how it was intended or what I wrote. I would have said very different things if I was trying to be flippant and unsupportive.
  7. rrodman

    rrodman Well-Known Member

    ETA: to remove something I wrote in anger.

    I think what I responded to in your original post was that you didn't acknowledge that your anger at your daughter was not really reasonable or appropriate to the level of offense. From your title, I expected to read about defiance and back talking. Instead, she's slightly forgetful while trying to help and do what you asked. It seemed like you were asking for help fixing her instead of dealing with your anger. I didn't think that seemed fair, and I said so. I would want to be told if I wasn't being reasonable.
  8. twinkler

    twinkler Well-Known Member

    Rachael, I would appreciate if you kept your opinions to yourself. My post was about how I was feeling, I asked for help in that area, not in how to "fix her"as you say. If the title to my post didn't match my post, perhaps you should just refrain from adding your two cents, huh? This is not the first time I have read one of your posts and felt that your reply has not been appropriate so in future I would appreciate if you refrained from replying to any of my posts. Thanks
  9. Dielle

    Dielle Well-Known Member

    I do agree that it's pretty normal for a 12 year old to be spacy. And yeah, it drives me nuts sometimes in my kids, too.

    Do you get one-on-one time? I know it's so hard to make that happen when you have twin babies. But one thing that is great for my relationship with my kids is an occasional mom-child date and also taking them one at a time with me to run errands now and then. Being away from the house, just us, holding hands if they'll let me, talking about random things... no real agenda. Sometimes it's just getting ice cream, it might be a sit-down dinner, or mini golf, or a trip to the mall for a new pair of jeans, or just a quick run to the grocery store. I know they love it, but it is as good for me as it is for them. And it's especially good for me when I'm having a hard time being patient with a particular child.
  10. rrodman

    rrodman Well-Known Member

    You are being completely inappropriate. I was trying to help and commiserate, and you've done nothing but misinterpret deliberately and be rude. I will happily leave you to people who tell you what you want to hear.
  11. cheezewhiz24

    cheezewhiz24 Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    This is exactly what I was thinking. I would be annoyed as all get out, too, but maybe some special time for the 2 of you would help?
  12. twinkler

    twinkler Well-Known Member

    Thank you Dielle, that is exactly what I need to do. I normally do take her grocery shopping but since she got back from her dad's after a month away, all our shopping has been for school stuff and groceries and it's always been a rush.

    My husband has been working 6-7 days per week, 12 hours per day lately so we really haven't had a chance to do anything but we are going away this weekend, so I will arrange some one-on-one time then because I really do think we need it , well I definitely do :) and it will be good for us.
  13. twinkler

    twinkler Well-Known Member

    Just an update to let you know that we had a super weekend away, with much needed one on one time ie. going swimming, getting our nails done, a massage (me!) and lots of walks and shopping. It was just what we needed!

    Things are better with her often saying that she needs to work on her "forgetfulness" - her words, not mine lol!

    She's 12 today and I'm so proud of her, thank you for all your good advice!
    2 people like this.
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