So what do you do when your 3 yo won't say "I'm Sorry."

My DD, who is rarely on bad behavior, is refusing to tell DS "I'm Sorry". I intitially put her in time out like we due with these offenses and then gave her the opportunity to tell him and she is refusing. I placed her back in her time out spot and have just continued to keep asking her if she is ready to tell him AND after 30 minutes of being in and out of time out she agreed to say I'm Sorry. She has done this twice before.

Just wondering what I should do when she does this. I felt bad for making her stay there until she was ready to say it, but wondering if it is a age/developemental stage for her.

thanks for your help! Mia

 

My one son started doing the same thing in his early 3's (when he fully could comprehend the situation). He refused to tell his brother and in a few cases (DH and I) that he was sorry. We held our ground in waiting him out until he apologized. And in every case...he did!

Kids will always try and test their limits. Setting conseqences for bad/inappropriate behavior and telling someone that you are sorry are ground rules that we hold firm on. Discipline is one of the tough jobs in parenting. Its not fun. But when you see your child interect with kindness in preschool (or wherever) and the teacher and other people tell you what sweet and well behaved children that you have..its a wonderful feeling!

 

Well. My girls are younger than yours, so take this for what it's worth, but I am not a fan of forcing children to say "I'm sorry" as part of their discipline. Reason being, a lot of times, they aren't sorry! And it also turns into a major battle of wills over whether they will say it, or they will say it sarcastically -- does that count?!?! -- and it can just be a bad scene. Personally I just do not want to have that battle. I felt even better about that choice after reading 1-2-3 Magic, which also recommends against making an apology part of the discipline for young children.

 

Keep trying...at 3 they want to push your buttons. All you can do is reinforce that saying sorry is required in your home, not just when he/she feels like it.

 

I have read that before BettiePage, and I still need to read 1-2-3 Magic. But, with that said, I do believe that kids need to say sorry, even if they don't totally mean it (heck, I have said it many times and haven't totally meant it) because I believe that is the right thing to do (culturally, it is the polite way to end a dispute).

If it were me in this situation (and it has been before on two occasions that I can recall), I would keep at it until she said sorry. Yes, after 30 min, the lesson is lost and it becomes a new lesson (i.e., do what you mother says), but I also want my kids to know that I say what I mean. If I ask my child to say sorry (or pick up the toys, or put the socks in the hamper, or the cup in the sink), then s/he needs to do it. THAT is the battle that I am willing to fight.

Debbi really summed it up nicely:
QUOTE
Kids will always try and test their limits. Setting conseqences for bad/inappropriate behavior and telling someone that you are sorry are ground rules that we hold firm on. Discipline is one of the tough jobs in parenting. Its not fun. But when you see your child interect with kindness in preschool (or wherever) and the teacher and other people tell you what sweet and well behaved children that you have..its a wonderful feeling!

 

I do have them say "sorry" to the appropriate party after time out. I don't require that they mean it (how could I?), but it is a social nicety they will need to learn. Why not practice now? Mine have to say "I'm sorry for [offense, person I offended]." It's a formula, and a useful one for the wider world.

However, I've never had anyone balk for so long. Usually the threat of one more time-out session is enough.

 

We also force the "i'm sorry", and it can take a long time.

What I find interesting is that Elliot (who is usually the one who needs to apologize!) is quick to say I'm sorry if he has accidentally hurt his sister (bumped into her or something like that) but has to be coerced into apologizing when he does something on purpose (hit, kick, bite, grab toys . . . the list goes on and on).

-Rachel

 

We enforce it around here as well, and if they don't wanna do it, we do timeout.

 

QUOTE(BettiePage @ Dec 30 2007, 10:14 PM) [snapback]551591[/snapback]
Well. My girls are younger than yours, so take this for what it's worth, but I am not a fan of forcing children to say "I'm sorry" as part of their discipline. Reason being, a lot of times, they aren't sorry! And it also turns into a major battle of wills over whether they will say it, or they will say it sarcastically -- does that count?!?! -- and it can just be a bad scene. Personally I just do not want to have that battle. I felt even better about that choice after reading 1-2-3 Magic, which also recommends against making an apology part of the discipline for young children.


I completely agree with this.

I think it is perfectly fine to suggest to them that they may want to apologize to rectify the situation, but it needs to be done because they want to. I don't have a lot of experience with preschoolers, but having worked extensively with school-aged children, a forced apology can actually make a situation worse. The child forced to apologize can internalize resentment for the adult in the situation as well as the other child. If it's a bullying situation this can have sad consequences for the 'victim'. And, like BettiePage mentioned, you run into sincerity issues.

That said, school-age discipline is a world of difference from preschool discipline (which, if you saw my other recent post, you would recognize I am no discipline expert).

 

Maybe mine are just more obstinate than most, but honestly they really aren't even bothered by time-out, and they would deifnitely hold out for ages if I tried to force them to apologize. They are actually really good about saying "I'm sorry" when they do something accidentally, but I personally just am not comfortable with forcing begrudging apologies out of them. It would turn into a huge battle of wills and right now I feel like it's more productive for us to focus on correcting the behavior. A few times early on I tried the apology route, and it just didn't go well AT ALL, so I was already leaning toward eliminating it from our discipline strategy, then that impulsed was reinforced when I read 1-2-3 Magic and other stuff, so for me it just felt right. Obviously YMMV and it probably varies with different kids. It just was definitely not working for us!

 

QUOTE(KYsweetheart @ Dec 31 2007, 05:51 PM) [snapback]552087[/snapback]
We enforce it around here as well, and if they don't wanna do it, we do timeout.


At first (2-3 yrs of age) it was a little lax, and taking one kid's hand and leading them over to the other kid and tell them to hug sissy and tell them you are sorry. Most of the time this worked. But if they don't want to do it, we do time out. There have been a very few times we have gone long, but yes, a few 30 or so minutes sessions. Once they learned that this is what mommy and daddy expect, we rarely have to do time outs for "I'm sorry" anymore.
They now know how to do it on their own, appropriately without prompting, which is what we were hoping for the best with as an end result. Politeness on any kid never goes wrong, and I am responsible for mine, so we did the best we could, and will continue to. I'm not giving up that battle.

 

We aren't there yet, but i agree with Bettie Page and the other poster. We went to a preschool tour and this same issue was discussed. What the director of the preschool said she does is she *never* makes kids apologize because all you are teaching is guilt. Instead, she has the 'offender' help make it better for the 'victim' (sorry can't think of a better word).

Again, I know the societal norm of apologizing is sorry, but what is the point if the apology is empty? It's like saying "i love you" out of habit w/out really thinking about what the words mean.

Again, take it for what it's worth since my kids don't say much more than mama or dada yet, and it's all hypothetical, but it's what I'm hoping we can do with the kids.

Miriam

 

Teaching a child to say "I'm sorry" is just one piece of the equation in laying the foundation of apology and forgiveness. DH and I tie it in conjunction with questions getting them to think about what they have done wrong, why its wrong and how their actions have affected the other guy. With a preschooler, its obviously done in a very simplistic way but noneless addressed. They do seem to be "getting it" because we witness them making heartfelt apologizes to one another without our prompting.

While every parent disciplines their child in their own way, I personally am not comfortable with avoiding the issue of apology and saying "I'm sorry" even at this young of an age. I think it sets no clear limits or consequences for disrespecting another. Children need to develop an understand at some point that what they do or say can cause another person mental or physical pain.

I think the word "I'm sorry" does matter in life. I feel too many adults don't say it enough and are unwilling to accept the blame when they hurt someone else. My hope is that my children can grow up thinking about and respecting others feelings and making heartfelt apologizes when they have wronged another person.

 

We also don't force apologies, but we do encourage them. Our reason for not forcing it is that we see so many young children doing something with intention, then immediately saying "i'm sorry" and thinking they are off the hook. It's important for us to try and teach them that an apology isn't the way to get out of trouble, but something that should be said with sincerity. And we do hear them say sorry to each other pretty frequently when they play in their room. Their apologies usually seem pretty remorseful, they even make the sign for sorry, but instead of rubbing their fist to their chest, they gently rub their fist on their brother when they say sorry.

So...I guess we don't really do anything when they don't say sorry except remind them that it's important to apologize.

FWIW...we also encourage them to respond to apologies with "I forgive you." It sounds a bit hard core, but we want them to learn both sides of an apology...offering and accepting. They're seriously cute when they stop crying and respond with a chipper "I forgive you!"

 

QUOTE(Donia @ Jan 1 2008, 07:25 PM) [snapback]553825[/snapback]
We also don't force apologies, but we do encourage them. Our reason for not forcing it is that we see so many young children doing something with intention, then immediately saying "i'm sorry" and thinking they are off the hook. It's important for us to try and teach them that an apology isn't the way to get out of trouble, but something that should be said with sincerity. And we do hear them say sorry to each other pretty frequently when they play in their room. Their apologies usually seem pretty remorseful, they even make the sign for sorry, but instead of rubbing their fist to their chest, they gently rub their fist on their brother when they say sorry.

So...I guess we don't really do anything when they don't say sorry except remind them that it's important to apologize.

FWIW...we also encourage them to respond to apologies with "I forgive you." It sounds a bit hard core, but we want them to learn both sides of an apology...offering and accepting. They're seriously cute when they stop crying and respond with a chipper "I forgive you!"



I agree, Donia. You can still be an effective parent and teach sympathy, empathy, and the art of apology without force.