Someone Shoot Me, Please

After TS saving me during my heinous pregnancy FOUR years ago, I just logged on for the first time because I am at the end of my wits. BEDTIME!!!!!!!!
FIrst, a little rant: I am SO sick of people (read, my family) saying 'oh, yeah, they really LOOK tired", when I say they are - well, just because the four year old cousins got all excited and engaged despite the fact that they were four minutes from sleep if traffic had been heavier doesn't mean they're NOT TIRED!!!!!!

But I digress: my DD's are 4 years and 5 months (and one day, but who's counting). Sleep has been a challenge for a long time. Kept them in Baby Prison (crib tents) for as long as possible, but once they tore the heck out of them I put them on the floor on a double futon. They would not go to sleep without me being with them, and since I didn't want them wandering around their room knocking their heads into things, and I was not prepared to lock the door, I ended up falling asleep with them. You can imagine how THAT helped my Antique Mama back pain!

Just over a year ago their father and I separated (my initiative); he had NEVER fully put them to sleep in their lives! I exaggerate - he was involved in bedtime routine (when he was home, travelled internationally for frequent and extensive periods)), but never the 'final step'. Until we separated they had only been apart from me 18 nights in their lives (except for sleepovers at their beloved aunt/uncle/cousins' house); of those 18 nights they spent six with my sister, and the rest screaming their heads off for me. Unfortunately, we had to stay in the same house until the end of the summer, so for two and a half months it was just brutal. Since he wanted time with them (he thought he was going to get 50% parenting time - ha!!!); I ended up leaving the house and either coming back in the middle of the night or in the morning since there is no way they would go to sleep with me there and there was no way I could listen to them scream for hours.

Once we moved, we continued the routine - this time magnified by their very real fear of abandonment - the first time I left them alone with him I came in the middle of the night and they were asleep on the sofa cushions in the playroom - they refusted to stay in their room, they wanted to 'wait for Mama'. So there has been a lot of 'we're afraid you won't be here', and they still refuse to fall asleep without me. It is taking a huge toll on me - on all of us; I usually end up falling asleep for anywhere from 1-4 hours, then I'm awake, spend time doing the stuff I couldn't get to (you know, the dinner dishes, a load or six of laundry, pay a bill, try not to rage at the ridiculously unending divorce proceedings....) by then it's 3 am and I'm either wide awake til 5 and then get woken at around 7 by them. (and this is SUMMERTIME, let's not even talk about pre-school - I think we were on time 6% of the year!).......

But I'm really torn: I know that developmentally a lot of this is appropriate, the 'fear of monsters', etc.. Except my girls are super sharp and having done the complete review of the room and confirmed the absence of monsters, one of my dd's then said 'we're afraid of witches".......So some of it is to be expected, some of it is because this is a routine they are used to, but some of it is also because there has been real trauma for them.......exacerbated by the fact that their father continued to travel so missed a good 25% of his time with them (one overnight a week nd alternate weekends). NOW he is moving out of state (I won't start) and that's going to be a whole other issue. But - I DON"T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!! I explained to them that I have to sleep in my own bed, that Mama needs sleep or I'm cranky the way they are when they're tired and I can't be the best Mama I want to be (yes, I WILL yell, despite my daily oaths not to).......

Any advice? They have been sleeping on a double mattress and love to sleep together but I'm about to get them twin beds; time for Big Girl move and I also think that sometimes they do wake each other. Although they say they want that, I'm not sure how it will really go over because just yesterday they told me that when they woke they snuggled with each other before they came into my room. But that's a separate topic. I really don't want to lock them in - maybe I'm over-reacting, but I'm already worried about the impact of the divorce on them, and leaving them in their room (with lots of things to throw if it were to come to that) just does not FEEL right. But I don't know what to do.

Any suggestions? I can't go on like this. The worst is that we end lovely days and evenings with this cr-p, because of course there's the whole one more story and blah blah blah stuff.
But I HATE the way I feel; completely tense and angry and that is not th energy I want them going to bed with but sometimes I just cannot breathe it out.

Thoughts?

 

Keep them in the double bed for now. Go with your gut feeling.. As far as the rest of it goes, I don't have answers but feel your pain with the lack of sleep. Any lack of sleep and I feel like I am not the mom I want to be, but give me sleep and I am fine.

My girls sleep on the floor with their crib mattresses right next to each other still (we are going to get them twin beds, but we may be moving and so we are just holding off- why bring mattreses up when you have to bring them right back down?).... So they have their own bed, but they like to be next to eachother. Sometimes in the middle of the night they need me, and I make sure to sleep on the floor next to them so they know that I am there for them, but when I get up to leave that I don't disturb them. Usually what happens is I fall asleep before they do. But I think it calms them down to realize it is okay to go back to sleep.

On the other issues with your husband- I can't help there but my heart goes out to you.

 

Would it work to set up a sleep area in your room on your floor for them for those times they want to sleep with you? That way they feel close & safe, but they aren't disturbing your sleep by being in your bed. We just tried this for the first time last night with our girls & it worked brilliantly. We set up their mattresses from their PeaPods yesterday afternoon & talked with them about how they could tiptoe in if they wanted to sleep near mommy & daddy at night time & tuck themselves into their beds. Last night, they both wandered in around 1:30am, got themselves into their beds & we didn't hear anything else from them until 6:30am. It was heaven!

For the bedtime battles, I'm assuming you have a fairly regular bedtime & bedtime routine? Would it work to sit down with your girls some afternoon & do up a big poster chart that shows all the steps of their bedtime routine (you could cut pictures out of magazines of kids brushing their teeth, wearing PJs, reading books, sleeping, etc). Then while you're making the chart, you can chat about the specifics (ie "We'll read 4 books & then it's lights out. Mom will stay for 2 songs & then I have some work I need to get done around the house. I'm close by if you need me.") Or whatever works for your routine. And then stick to it consistently for a couple of weeks. This lets them know what to expect every night & that the routine always has the same end. You can even have them tell you what comes next after checking their chart. If they get upset after you leave, go in & comfort them in whatever way works, but try to pick something that you can live with. Over time, you can gradually cut back on the amount of time you need to spend comforting them.

I've just been reading Elizabeth Pantley's No Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers & Preschoolers & have been finding it extremely helpful. What I like about her books is that it isn't a one-size-fits-all sleep plan - she has lots of different ideas & suggestions & really encourages you to trust your parenting instincts & come up with a solution that works for your family.

 

Do they ever fall asleep without someone laying with them? Maybe having them sleep on the floor in your room would help you get better sleep until they get over the rest of the changes in their life. I may be misunderstanding your post, but it seems that they never learned to fall asleep without you laying on the floor and the recent changes have exacerbated a chronic sleep issue. That said, I wouldn't tackle the entire issue at once with the fears of abandonment, etc going on.

 

if they are more secure sleeping together then let them...because chances are you will find them in one bed in the morning anyway...as for the rest I have no advice as when my son has a nightmare and comes in our room he doesn't wake us - he crawls in at the bottom of our bed and I don't know he's there until I kick him!

 

You just pretty much described my kids in a nutshell. While me and DH are not divorced, he works 7 days a week and I do nights alone. We recently put them in big boy beds and reunited them in same room. (Been apart since they were six months- they are now FOUR!)

They've been in the same room now for 6 weeks. It has been Hell on a stick.

I used to put them down at 7:45pm and they'd go to sleep.

Now I put them "down" (wink-wink) at 8:30pm and they do whatever they want (and I mean... WHAT EV ER they want (cuz I'm passed out tired, out of my freaking God forsaken mind by that time!!) and I just don't care! The other night I went down at like 11pm and mercifully- they were asleep but had drawn a full mural of Witches, Transformers, Ghosts etc on every wall in the basement.

I have no advice but wanted to empathize. Mine will be four in the end of September, too.

I do not want to lock them in their room cuz they sleep w/ door open and light on AND they go to the bathroom by themselves at night. Plus, I'm afraid there would be an emergency.

I don't think I'm helping you AT ALL but I am going through this also. I am having a new baby any day n ow and am TERRIFIED of the parties that will be happening over here!

OH and HOLY BANANAS are they TIRED all day. Cranky and tired and miserable. But they WILL NOT go to bed!

 

Gemelli- now THAT sounds like a nightmare- four year old boys and highly pregnant? I hear you on the exhausted- mine have refused to go down for a nap I. The house since they were 8 months old; I used to spend HOURS planning/scheming how I could get them to sleep in the car in the afternoon- but at the same time and not too late.

Sufficeit to say that after MONTHS (ok, years, I admit it) of swearing that I would not do 'Driving for Naps; vie pretty much given up on it. The WORST thing is that they still really need to nap: yet they will be in their carseats yawning their heads off and G-d forbid I suggest they close their eyes and take a rest because we're going to be driving anyway! "We're not tired" they proclaim through the or yawns......

It makes me crazy because I know mwltdowntime will ensue. I used to think "ok, you're not napping, you're running around all day, one would THINK you'd go to bed earlier", but - nope!

I remember reading in HSHHC that the more they sleep the more they sleep (uh, ok, and....)

My pediatrician recommended melatonin, which is the natural chemical (hormone?) our body produces for sleep- the non narcotic version of sleeping pills. I was concerned about the long term effects but tried it for a few days and it seemed to worm-but I'm not willing to take the risk on the effects. :-(

Part of the problem is that it stays light so late, and since we live in the Northwest and it;s rainy and grey 9 months a year I like to have them take advantage of the opportunity not to be shut in (read: I need to not be shut in!), and if it's not even close to dark they think it;s not nighttime. Internal ciradian rhythms at work?

MY ped also said that instead of trying to get them to sleep in the late afternoon which wasn;t working anyway, having them bathe then is good, because it's stimulating, rather than calming and soothing the way it is for babies (you think I would have noticed that one by now, huh?) So I have done that to chase away those late late afternoon melt/whinedowns. Fortunately we have a backyard and a water table and they can play on that and then shower.

Regarding routine - yes, we have had a routine since forever; it has evolved of course, but another problem is the routine is different in the three places they spend time: the majority of it with me - we don't have TV and don't watch as part of pre-bedtime ritual; at their father's they do - way more than I would like and it is obviously stimulating, so not only do they need the general calm down time, but they have to come offf their Dora or Diego (or whomever) high......and at my sisters where they have a routine with their young adult cousins that works fine.

The most irrritating thing is that when they stay at my sisters my nieces have NO PROBLEM getting them to school on time -even EARLY!!! But I t hink that's just part of the 'your kids act diffferentl with other people than they do with you'

It is heartbreaking to see them tired, though, and of course that makes them crankier and clingier and easier for them to go off. Sigh.

Thanks for reading what is basically an extended rant....I'm concerned because preschool is starting in two and a half weeks, and they are spending a week with their father and his parents who are flying in starting Weds, so they'll be all out of whack. (Snarky aside - this is the man who is battling or 50% parenting time who spends 2 hours each way driving to the beach so they can stay there long enough to build a sandcastle, make smores, go to the town and have hot dogs and ice cream - and drive home at the end of the day JUST so they can fall asleep at 5 pm......nice way to spend 'quality time; with your kids, huh? Sorry, getting snarky now....)

I FOUGHT like the Dickens for a parenting plan where they would have to be home at least 7 days prior to school beginning so I could start to get them into a school routine and not go from, say, flying back for a whole day from a week in NY where they had just barely gotten adjusted to east coast time and have to start a new school year the next day.......But I think a week isn't going to be enough.

Anyway, not sure what I will do. Until about six months ago I REFUSED to let them in my bed; I figured once they were in I would NEVER get them out; but I got so worn out that I started letting them come in (at least mine is bigger, but since they have to sleep completely pressed up against me it doesn't really matter - when I get frustratd with that I think 'soon enough they're not going to want me to touch them!" and enjoy the deliciousness. THey've pretty much stopped that, so I am reluctant to introduce them into my room - I hear that it makes sense for them in order to know that I am there but what they really want is to FEEL me. Again, I don't knwo how much of this is just 'normal' developmental and how much is trauma (I use that word in quotes).

I did start instituting a 'quiet time' in the late afternoon - they had to spend at least an hour in their room; I have friends who have been doing this successfully since their kids were tiny, but even when mine ARE tired, they won't stay down and reading unless I'm with them, which kind of defeats the purpose of me getting any time to have a break. Unless I do as I did yesterday and just lie down and read with them and then, EVEN THOUGH THEY OBVIOUSLY NEEDED TO SLEEP, AS EVIDENCED BY THE SNUGGLING AGAINST ME AND YAWNING AND ACTUALLY SAYING "I"M GOING TO REST WITH MAMA" - they didn't. But I took advantage and lay there and let them play.

FInally, 9LONG RANT!) although we have had a routine for a long time; they each pick a book, then it evolved to the occasional 'bonus book' for extra good behavior or a special occasion, but that quickly got converted to "Mama's book (except I don't get to choose it); then one of my dd's will start crying that she didn't WANT that one, she wants a Bonus One (which she gets to pick, somehow).....and if i let it go it escalates until she manages to upset herself completely awake and keep her sister awake too - but you know it's just tiredness and needing to get her own way crankiness because as soon as I pick that book up she calms down.

I just don't want them running the show anymore but I'm SO on the fence of 'how do I provide enough security AND not let them be monstrous little dictators"?

On the sweet side, their latest is to kiss me on the forehead after we lain down - wonder where they got that from?

OPEN to more suggestions. Part of me thinks that I may have to go the route of just sitting in their room and letting them cry themselves out for (hopefully only a few) nights so they know that I'm not giving in AND that I'm there (I have ALWAYS responded to them at night - sheesh, who among us has not been woken by a child stirring, checked and found that they were just turning or dreaming and calling out - then NOT BEEN ABLE TO GET BACK TO SLEEP FOR HOURS???!!!!

Keep'em coming! Thanks.

Another issue is that our routine is different everywhere