Tired of dealing with the frustrated kids

For some weird reason my girls are in a phase of where they are frustrated, they scream and throw things. It is beyond aggravating and upsetting to me. If one has a toy the other wants and she can't have it, she will scream and hit her in the head. If I tell them we are having something for dinner that they don't want (and they pretty much don't want anything but noodles) they scream and pitch a fit. If they want to show me something and I am in the middle of something else and ask them to wait, they scream and throw anything they can find. Just today I was trying to show them how to tie their shoes (I know it is a process that will take time) but after literally 1 minute, my daughter got so frustrated she pitched a fit, threw her shoes and walked away, refusing to come back!!!! I just don't know what to do to get them to calm down and cooperate. I feel like they need to learn what patience is and they just don't have it! (Now at least). Any suggestions?

 

I think it's pretty normal for 4 year olds to get frustrated quickly. I think generally the best thing you can do is help them verbalise their feelings and talk through how you want them to respond to show them how to deal with things (if that makes sense?). So for example Eleanor-who is not a twin, but is about the same age as your girls-will very quickly get annoyed when she is playing a game with her little people/animals/teddies and Ethan comes over and tries to join in (to be fair to her he is not as detailed in his play yet and will often crash in and spoil her set up). Often she will hit or push him away which results in him crying. Over the past few months I have been working with her that when it happens she needs to say "Stop Ethan, I want some space please." and if he doesn't listen then she should call me. She is slowly getting better at this and we have fewer incidents where it ends up in a fight and tears.
What I'm trying to say is that for situations that happen over and over it's probably worth thinking about how you would like them to deal with it and then teaching them to do that. For general little frustrations (doing up buttons/buckling the car seats etc) if they want to try I will let them up to a point and then take over, even if it causes a tantrum, but I will try to acknowledge their feelings and also praise their effort. eg "I know you wanted to do your straps, but we have to drive now and I need you to be safe so I'm going to do them up. You did really well putting your arms in and getting the two parts together. Straps can be tricky, they need lots of practice."
For the toy issue you may find it helpful to have a timer they can use to take turns. Egg timers are great for that as they can watch the time pass but digital ones work too. For them pitching a fit when you tell them what's for dinner or ask them to wait while you finish something I would just flat out ignore it. If they start throwing things I'd follow whatever normal discipline you'd use for that (warning and time out/send to bedroom/whatever). Also at this stage I'd probably avoid introducing optional difficult tasks like shoelace tying, unless they specifically ask to try, no need to add extra challenges to the day!

 

Just to add to the excellent advice Zoe gave, is something I used often with my older DD and that is to give them two options, for eg, tonight you can have a choice of chicken nugget or chicken rice, so that they start to feel as if they are.part of the decision making process. You can use this method with lots of other things too, like.. How about I lace up your right shoe, and you do the left? And so on...

4 is such a difficult time, out of the toddler years but not quite big school yet, this is just a transition and a natural biorhythm of moving into their next phase. The next one will come when they turn 8 and by then you will be an old hand

 

Another idea for the dinner thing; maybe once a week let them pick what you have for dinner and then help you cook it. That would also give them a bit more control. You could also try and encourage them to help you on the days they don't pick, kids are generally better at eating things if they have a hand in making them.

 

We are right there with all the 4yr old frustrations! I got lazy with dinnere for a long while and basically did whole wheat pasta with parmesan cheese a lot... It's still my dd's favorite but at least my son now will eat it with pesto too. On nights where I'm doing something else i just say this is what we're having. Sometimes i give them the option of boxed cereal and milk if the don't want the dinner option.

A lot of times we have the whole buckle up issues! Ugh! I need to work on twin nanny's calmness of explaining... I do think the empathy is key to calming them down.