Twin Rivalry - I desparately need advice!

I have 12 year old twin boys. My struggle right now has to do with school. My youngest does well at school and works hard to get the marks he does. My oldest however, struggles a bit more with school. He has decided that he doesn't need to be smart and work hard because his brother does it. I know he is a smart kid and knows the information being taught. He just doesn't care. How do you make your kid care about their future? We have never compared the two boys because we didn't ever want there to be these issues. I am concerned that some of thinking is related to him "finding" his place in the world. He loves being a twin but gets tired of always being seen as half of a whole. What do I do if he thinks this is the way to be different? A different hairdo or different sports are acceptable but doing poorly in school is not an option. Any suggestions? I would love any feedback you've got!

 

I have 12 year old twins boys- diff. as night and day.
Are they in diff. classes?
What are their friends like?
What activities are they in? Do they have interests outside of school?
First off, this is an awful time of their lives to be different than their friends. By that, I mean it takes a lot of guts (more than your average 12 YO has) to resist peer pressure, not do what their "crowd" does. If their friends are "into" not doing well in school, maybe limit their times with those friends, or get them into an after-school activity that exposes them to other friends/ideas. You might have to step back and let them make up their minds, but plant the ideas that you value (like doing as well as they can in school), and let them come to their own conclusions.

Maybe one son has an interest that doesn't show up too much in a classroom setting - like mine. DS is smart, but he's also a fidgeter. He's always been willing to sit still and draw, though. He's just a solitary person not withdrawn, just solitary.

All these things help him to think -- to play with something, or walk around, or just kick the table leg while he's reading. It's sort of like doodling, but on a physical level. I know he's doing his best thinking while doing these things, but at times these habits can be annoying. Now, multiply all that motion by 20, or however many are in a classroom. I can see how it's frustrating for teachers to have a whole class like that. And then add in all the different learning styles..... OY.
Sometimes teachers can't do as much with each type of kid as they'd like to do;they're limited by time or money or school district politics, etc. I'm not saying that teacher's don't realize and regret this -- they all do, his preschool teacher was the one who showed me how DS was most comfortable learning. (And for that I STILL thank her so much.) Maybe talk to your DS's teachers -- they could probably suggest things to help him "find" himself.

Anyways, I got my fidget-y DS into taekwondo. He never liked team sports, like baseball or soccer. It gave him a "thing" that was his alone -- his brother plays something else. He really enjoys it. It's done wonders for him; his concentration, his self-control, his self-esteem, his grades, etc. I think it's well worth the money. And I hope also that it's helping him to understand that while his interests may not be what "everybody else" is interested in, they're still worthwhile.I know he's prouder of his drawings and stories now than he was a year ago.

After all that, I spend a lot of time trying to get him involved and interested in school. As you can guess, sitting still and reading isn't his favorite thing to do, so reading didn't "catch on" with him like it did with his brother. It could later, but maybe it never will. I think maybe parents of twins always have something to compare their kids to, instead of just accepting their child as their own person. For example, I always say to myself, "Z doesn't do "XXX" like N does, maybe he should." when it would be better for DS if I just said to myself, "Z doesn't like to do "XXX". and left it at that.


Hope this didn't come off as preachy, and that it helps a bit. You sound like you give him a lot of thought and concern and love. Just keep trying, I guess. Sometimes it's just nice to have a pat on the back and encouragement to continue.