Uninvolved Grandparents...How do you deal?

My mom and I have never been very close but she has always been present for me...however, she has not been present for my sweet babies. They are almost nine-months old and I can count on both hands the number of times she's spent time with them since they were born. The sad thing: she lives 20 minutes away. People ask me all the time, "Your Mom must be over all the time to help you; she must be over the moon!" and I'm done with just nodding and saying, "Uh huh" because it's not true..I say, "Actually, she is not very involved at all...but thank goodness my father is, and my husband's family adores them!"

My husband's family lives in Boston--we live in California--and my father-in-law has been out three times since they were born to be with them. He is wonderful and adores them. So these babies are not deprived of love and attention

The issue is that I am wrestling with this...my sister's children get my mom's love and attention. My sister and mother are very close (I have a good relationship with my sister too and while we've talked about this issue at length, it's my mom who isn't present) and my mom is always there for her kids...picks them up from school, sleepovers at their house, etc.. I'm lucky if I get an e-mail or phone call once a week from my mom. I just invited her over for dinner to see the babies this week via e-mail and I'm already waiting for a response like, "I'm too busy!"

My parents are divorced and my mom is still reeling from the pain. I know she is unhappy and I also realize her unhappiness has nothing to do with me...but when I see my sister's kids (whom I adore) get my mom's love and attention and my sweet babies get ignored (thank goodness they are too young to notice it now) it pains me deeply. I will not stand by and watch my babies get the shaft over the next few years when they DO start to see their grandma plays favorites...

Anyways, I'm not sure what advice can be offered here...I just needed to vent...thank you for listening. If anyone has or is experiencing anything along these lines and have found ways to cope, I'd truly appreciate any advice you have to offer...

 

Oh, I can relate to a certain extent. My MIL is a widow, about 4 years ago, so when she found out we were pregnant with her 1st grandchildren she was very excited. Told us she was quiting her job that she only works to keep her health insurance for prescriptions and keep her busy, so she could watch them 2 days a weeks so I could keep working. After they were born things majorly changed. She comes over maybe once every 2 or 3 weeks and stays for an hour. She bailed on the quiting work and blamed it on everything under the sun. Believe me she can afford to quit working, plus she gets social security now, so money is not an issue.

The real thing that bugs me is she tells everyone that she is over our house all the time. I have to bite my tongue when people say it is so great she helps out so much, when it is really my family that helps us out. I actually overheard her tell her friend that she watched Max & Lily for an hour while I went to the doctor and it scared her to death. Fine if your scared, but quit lying to everyone to make yourself look like the perfect grandma.

I have decided that people do what they can do and you can't get overly upset about it. All that pent up negativity will start to eat at you. Good luck on finding a solution to your situation.

 

No advice, just wanted to say I am in the same boat minus the sibling attention. My MIL lives about an hour and a half away (closest relative) and she has seen the boys maybe 5 times since they have been born The "other" Grandparents who live out of state have easily doubled that. So, I have pretty much written her off at this point and so has DH. It is disrespectful to say the least. So, until she can be respectful of me and DH, even if she wanted to see the kids...she wont!

 

sounds like your mom and my dad should hang out some time. my dad rushed down here to see the babies the day after they were born and was visibly moved by the experience. and then that was it. he doesn't call, he doesn't email, he doesn't respond to photos i email him. if i press him by asking if he received the photos his answers tend to be short affirmatives. he didn't call on thanksgiving, if i hadn't called him on christmas he wouldn't have taken it upon himself to call us. my in-laws who live in texas (we're in georgia) have been here multiple times. they call and email almost daily. my dad simply doesn't get it.

how do i deal with it? probably not in the healthiest way. the way i see it is my parents and sister were my Family (capital F) when i was growing up. now that i have children, this is my Family. my dad is now family (lowercase f). my obligation is to my Family and it's up to him to be as involved as he wants to be. my hands are full enough without chasing him around, begging him to care enough about his grandkids to visit. i want him to be an active part of my sons' lives, but it's not my responsibility to teach my father how to nurture the grandfather/grandchild relationship.

so i don't really *do* anything about it, per se. it's more that i've released myself from the responsibility of fixing him. i don't want to miss a second of the joy of my own children by wasting my energies worrying about his issues. sure it hurts that he's not more involved, but dwelling on that hurt isn't going to make him a different person.

 

I totally get where you are coming from. We are ten minutes from my in-laws and my boys are 6.5 months old. They have NEVER offered to help out, babysit...anything. My MIL has come over ONCE since they were born - it was when they were about 6 weeks old. She brought a friend with her (which she failed to mention when she called and asked if she could stop by) and I was at home with two babies, no help, recovering from c-section, and she brings in a total stranger! OMG...I steam just thinking about it.

What is worse, my parents are deceased, so they are the only grandparents my kiddos have. I told my DH just this weekend how sad it was that his parents aren't involved. You know what though - I have no control over them and if anything it is sad for them. They are missing out. Now the kids are getting to the point where they have a little distrust of strangers...and they fall into that category.

 

:hug: It's the same way with my girls and my in-laws. They live close and MIL is retired yet I could count on one hand the number of times they have come over or we have gone there. They just have other interests that don't involve babies. I don't have any advice on how to cope, it still annoys me.

 

I don't have any advice for you but I do have :grouphug: I know I would be totally hurt if my mother behaved like that. One of the ways I would look at it is if and when she wonders why the kids either don't know who she is or never bother with her, she'll have to look back at her own behavior to discover why. It's her who is missing out.

 

QUOTE(itsnancycozzi @ Mar 2 2009, 06:08 PM) [snapback]1211769[/snapback]
I don't have any advice for you but I do have :grouphug: I know I would be totally hurt if my mother behaved like that. One of the ways I would look at it is if and when she wonders why the kids either don't know who she is or never bother with her, she'll have to look back at her own behavior to discover why. It's her who is missing out.



This is a great way to look at it...she IS the one losing out here, not me, and not my babies It doesn't make the hurt go away but I just have to maintain this perspective and realize I can't change her.

FYI: She never responded to my dinner invite. Just another log to throw into the fire...

You all gave such great advice...thank you so much. I'm not going to waste my time worrying about her and her actions and spend my time focusing on what's most important, my babies

 

QUOTE(amelowe9 @ Mar 2 2009, 05:52 PM) [snapback]1211259[/snapback]
My mom and I have never been very close but she has always been present for me...however, she has not been present for my sweet babies. They are almost nine-months old and I can count on both hands the number of times she's spent time with them since they were born. The sad thing: she lives 20 minutes away. People ask me all the time, "Your Mom must be over all the time to help you; she must be over the moon!" and I'm done with just nodding and saying, "Uh huh" because it's not true..I say, "Actually, she is not very involved at all...but thank goodness my father is, and my husband's family adores them!"

My husband's family lives in Boston--we live in California--and my father-in-law has been out three times since they were born to be with them. He is wonderful and adores them. So these babies are not deprived of love and attention

The issue is that I am wrestling with this...my sister's children get my mom's love and attention. My sister and mother are very close (I have a good relationship with my sister too and while we've talked about this issue at length, it's my mom who isn't present) and my mom is always there for her kids...picks them up from school, sleepovers at their house, etc.. I'm lucky if I get an e-mail or phone call once a week from my mom. I just invited her over for dinner to see the babies this week via e-mail and I'm already waiting for a response like, "I'm too busy!"

My parents are divorced and my mom is still reeling from the pain. I know she is unhappy and I also realize her unhappiness has nothing to do with me...but when I see my sister's kids (whom I adore) get my mom's love and attention and my sweet babies get ignored (thank goodness they are too young to notice it now) it pains me deeply. I will not stand by and watch my babies get the shaft over the next few years when they DO start to see their grandma plays favorites...

Anyways, I'm not sure what advice can be offered here...I just needed to vent...thank you for listening. If anyone has or is experiencing anything along these lines and have found ways to cope, I'd truly appreciate any advice you have to offer...


Been there, done that. I dont know how many times when my kids were little I was in tears or tearing my hair out because my folks were not really interested in their grandchildren.
I put myself through a lot of grief trying to change things and not understanding why they were the way they were. The best thing you can do for yourself and your children is to realize it is what it is and you're probably not going to change her. I couldnt understand for the longest time because I had the most loving caring grandparents and we are talking about my mom's parents. Go figure. For your own sanity and happiness you probably need to adjust your expectations to the reality of the situation. And I was in the same boat, my parents did more with my sisters kids. Now thatg I am the grandma I take any chance I can to go see my darling grandbabies and unfortunately we live on opposite coasts. My mother, their great grandmother really has no more interest in these greatgrandbabies than she did with my children.

Probably not the advice you are looking for, but I know my life became much better once I decided I couldnt change her and adjusted my exptectations.

 

QUOTE(piccologirl @ Mar 2 2009, 01:57 PM) [snapback]1211385[/snapback]
sounds like your mom and my dad should hang out some time. my dad rushed down here to see the babies the day after they were born and was visibly moved by the experience. and then that was it. he doesn't call, he doesn't email, he doesn't respond to photos i email him. if i press him by asking if he received the photos his answers tend to be short affirmatives. he didn't call on thanksgiving, if i hadn't called him on christmas he wouldn't have taken it upon himself to call us. my in-laws who live in texas (we're in georgia) have been here multiple times. they call and email almost daily. my dad simply doesn't get it.

how do i deal with it? probably not in the healthiest way. the way i see it is my parents and sister were my Family (capital F) when i was growing up. now that i have children, this is my Family. my dad is now family (lowercase f). my obligation is to my Family and it's up to him to be as involved as he wants to be. my hands are full enough without chasing him around, begging him to care enough about his grandkids to visit. i want him to be an active part of my sons' lives, but it's not my responsibility to teach my father how to nurture the grandfather/grandchild relationship.

so i don't really *do* anything about it, per se. it's more that i've released myself from the responsibility of fixing him. i don't want to miss a second of the joy of my own children by wasting my energies worrying about his issues. sure it hurts that he's not more involved, but dwelling on that hurt isn't going to make him a different person.



Piccologirl, I reread this and it really hit home. I loved your response and so did my DH who listens to me go on and on about how upset I am by this. It's not my responsibility to teach her how to be a good grandma, it's hers....I am going to focus on my Family, my mom is now family Thank you for your words