Visitors after delivery

Discussion in 'Pregnancy Help' started by Vividor, Aug 28, 2013.

  1. Vividor

    Vividor Member

    I am only 14 weeks pregnant, but the thought about having ppl in the hospital and t home after delivery makes me nauseous..
    I have a 2,5 yo son and it was horrible what I went through with visitors.. My main and only concern is my in laws.. My MIL is very intrusive and like things to be her way. They live about 30 mins from us and after my son was born they would come over 4 times a week only skipping days when they were dead sick or there was deadly snowstorm..
    After delivery, that took 36 hours and 3,5 hr of pushing, my son was taken to NICU, I only saw him for split seconds, I was exhausted and upset about it, and 10 min after my delivery room was full of ppl- my MIL with her husband, my FIL with his wife, my husband step brother with his girlfriend, (my parents lives overseas, and cam over after a month), they were all super excited, some of them came directly from work and started eating sandwiches in front of me, and I was laying there in bloody gown.. I told my husband that I am tired, and it is too much, and he said- but it's a close family.. So he did not really understand me... They are all his family and they are really close.. Ten, they moved me to my private room and my MIL and FIL's wife followed us there, and when I went to finally see my son in NICU, they also went there with me. I still feel like this moment of me seeing him for the first time was kind of ruined because of them.. I was holding him and they were standing right behind me watching me and asking stupid questions like if I am happy etc. finally they left. Next day they came over again, and on the second day we were discharged and it started. As I said before this family is big, it also includes my husband aunt who lost her 27 yo son recently for cancer and she became really involved with our life and esp in my son's life in a good way. Everyday somebody would come over and sit trying to help, but all I needed was just to bond with my son, get used to each other etc.. As I said, my MIL with her husband would come over 4 times a week and sit until we would go to bed. She would come to my room while I was breastfeeding my son, although I told her I want to be private. I finally started to lock the door.. One time she would come upstairs when I was just laying next to my son on my bed in my bedroom and enjoying watching him, and she would call me, and I made it look like we were both sleeping, she was standing there watching us for couple minutes and then finally left.. I was soo angry.. Anyway, it's a long story, u got the idea..
    This time I told my husband I don't want any visitors in the hospital, which he agreed with me, and I also said I don't want anybody to come to our house for a month (my parents are coming couple months earlier to u.s. to stay with us and help us), but I don't mind my parents, hey are pretty quiet and not intrusive and big help. My husband also likes my parents, but he logically made a point that since my parents will be living with us, how come his mom and other family can't come to visit their new granddaughters.. I said only one visit a week for no more than 2 hours.. My main concern is it can work for a couple weeks and then my MIL would start to ignore what we agreed on and everything will be as it was.. I don't want to ruin my relashioship with her, she is super nice and helps us a lot, and loves me as a daughter, but I also need my privacy and I want things my way..
    Any advice? Please?!
  2. cheezewhiz24

    cheezewhiz24 Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    Mmm, that is tough. I am so sorry for what you went through with your son. In the hospital, let the nurses know your wishes. They will be the bad guy if anybody comes up.

    Like you, I wanted to bond with my babies. So despite my kids being the first grandkids, I said I wanted 2 weeks for us to figure out how to be new parents. My MIL was upset, but I was firm. I had the grandkids; really what could she do? ;)

    I would think in advance of things MIL can do to help you and make a list. So if she comes over, put up a dry-erase board with a list of things that need to be done and ask her if she's willing to do anything on the list. Be kind but clear that with 2 newborns you do not feel like entertaining and ask the family to respect your privacy. Have some visiting hours with a natural timelimit- say their 2 week doc appointment in 3 hours. Then you can tell them it's time to get ready and go to the doctor/you have to run.

    Maybe you could have her take your toddler for a few days to keep her occupied and give you and your husband a chance to really connect with the babies.
  3. miss_bossy18

    miss_bossy18 Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    I agree with Michelle about letting the nurses know your wishes while in the hospital. Once you're home, you could consider hiring a postpartum doula - they're really great at running interference on that sort of thing.

    The bottom line is that the immediate postpartum period is a vulnerable time. You're tired and emotional. You need to rest, heal and recover from pregnancy, labor and birth. You need to adjust to the new addition(s) to your family and take the time and space to get to know them. It's important. It matters.

    I would also try to be clear about your plans early on. That way there will be fewer surprises at the time. Acknowledge that you know their excited about the new family members but they can be most helpful by x, y, z.
    1 person likes this.
  4. FGMH

    FGMH Well-Known Member

    I agree with asking the nurses to handle visitors in the hospital. Our families are really close but everyone understood when we said please one (short) visit from each set of grandparents in the hospital and no other visitors.

    I think it is great that your DH is more on board with limiting visits this time, especially as most of the visitors are from his family. If he is protecting you in the vulnerable postpartum weeks and taking responsibility for the family, this will probably be more acceptable than you saying no. Also try to talk to your DH before the delivery about privacy, families have very different standards for that.

    I would also think about ways the family could help, maybe do something special with your older son (it's a big transition for him too and being "spoilt" a bit by the grandparents might be good for him too), bring a meal, do some shopping or laundry or cleaning for you etc. Helpful visitors are a lot better than visitors sitting there wanting to be entertained ;)
  5. Vividor

    Vividor Member

    Thank you soo much for all advices!
    I definitely will ask nurses to not let visitors in. But I hope if we let in laws know ahead of time that we don't want them visiting us, they would not come.
    As far as how to handle things at home, there will be a problem I suspect because my parents are coming over in November from other country to stay in our house and help us. We have a huge house and they usually stay with us 6 months each year to help with my son since we both work and my mom wants to do it for us. This time will be the same. So from my MIL perspective it will not be fair to her to not let her visit us while my mom is with grandkids 24/7, right? But to be honest, she annoys me soo much and last time I was soo stressed by my feelings towards her I suspect my milk supply was diminished because of that.. I don't want to ruin anything this time and want to do things my way and learn how to make it less stressful for myself. I hate when my house full of ppl if they r not my family:))) so I need to do it right and not hurt her feelings too.
    I was thinking of asking her to spend time with my son on her territory, this could work.. I hope she will be able to pick him up from dc early and spend quality time with him and just bring him home before his bedtime. And as far as other visitors prob it's better to have them all at the same time for couple hours and then be done for a week. But they like to call and say- hey, I will stop by in 15 min:). I guess the best way is my husband to be the bad guy telling them my wishes. They r his family and they forgive him if anything anyway.. He became very protective lately. Whatever I dont like them doing he makes sure they know, but sometimes he overreacts... I don't want them to think I am such a *****!:)
  6. daisies

    daisies Well-Known Member

    Yes.. if you let them know your wishes the nurses will be a big help in the hospital.

    If your DH is like my DH he agrees with you but will NOT stand up to his mom. Anyone else.. no problem, but not his mom. In our relationship i have to be the bad guy. So be it. Hey, the good news in this situation is you have the great 'excuse' of just having delivered and caring for 2 babies.

    Have a back up plan if DH does not follow through on enforcing your plans. I am not sure you can stop them from coming by but you can set reasonable visiting limits. I would have a conversation early on with them about how 'it is hard for you to relax and nap when there are people in the house.. because you feel like you should entertain you can't sleep. AND sleep is going to be really important! Ask them to respect that, so when you want to lay down they should leave.' More good news.. babies sleep a lot, and everyone knows the rule mom sleeps when baby sleeps.. and enforce this by being very blunt. 'glad you could come by, i wish i was sleeping longer at night, but i really need to rest and they don't sleep long.. i hate to rush you out the door.' you should be able to keep all visits short but you will have to be blunt. you can be friendly and blunt.

    Do they call now before they come over? ask about a good time? Can you work on this now? My parents and brother/SIL live one mile from each other... they have a solid rule.. they NEVER arrive without a phone call. If this is something you could establish it would at least give you a heads up. you could ask them to come at a better time OR pick something up on the way!
    I would not be above taking DS over and dropping in on them a few times.. and then staying the entire day at their house, just to help this conversations along.. OR hiding when they do come over. you can say later you were sleeping and had the phone off the hook. they will only make that drive for nothing once... but that is me, i am aggressive and believe if you can't understand what i am saying you need a concrete demonstration.

    I love the idea of the dry erase board with a 'need to do' list. Keep a separate list for your parents.. so there is always something for in-laws to do and get you parents on board with 'training' them. This 'training' might turn out to be a big help when your parents are gone.

    In-laws can be tricky. I wish you luck at setting those boundaries. My advice would be first, 'lower your expectations' and second, try to find ways to make their intrusions as unobtrusive as possible and as big a help as possible.
    1 person likes this.
  7. cheezewhiz24

    cheezewhiz24 Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    How about putting her in charge of a baby meeting party not at your house when the babies are like a month old- with a stipulation that you are able to just show up with babies.

    Also, I wouldn't answer that 15 min phone call. If I did I'd say something like, "Sorry, this really isn't a good time. Maybe next week would be better?"

    Assuming you tell them in advance and are kind about it, you've done all you can to not be an ***.
  8. carriesmithee

    carriesmithee Member

    The nurse in the hospital can definitely handle the visitors. Just ask them :)
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