Where Do I Draw the Line?

So if you have every seen the TV show Everybody Loves Raymond, you can picture what my life is like (only worse!!). All the way down to living next door to the in-laws!! My MIL and DH are VERY close...I jokingly comment that they have yet to cut the umbilical cord.

Anyways, fast forward to now and being pregnant with Twins with an Evil MIL... A couple weeks MIL and FIL called my DH and told him that his job is not good enough (He is a paramedic) and he will never be able to take care of his family etc... I was Pissed! So I wrote an email to them telling them it is not fair to fault Keith for doing what he loves. It was very tactful, and I even had DH read it before I sent it. Well, MIL did not take to my email so well, apparently she thought I was overstepping my boundaries, so she wrote the nastiest email back to me saying what a terrible wife I am, including my personal favorite statement- "A successful man needs a woman to love, listen, respect and honor him. She needs to be an asset to the relationship, not another burden in an already stressful life". The email went on to say what a terrible mother I am going to be, and some other nasty things in between. Well, needless to say I was very hurt by this email (Pregnancy hormones don't help when you get a letter like this...)

My DH believes that his parents are in the wrong for writing such a letter, however he is the middle man in this whole situation. I don't want to have ANYTHING to do with these people until I get an apology (I don't think that is too much to ask). This also means, I don't want her at my baby shower, I don't want her at the hospital when the babies are born, and I don't want her called with any updates on the babies. But on the other hand, these are DH's parents, and although he believes what his parents did was wrong, he thinks its going overboard to annex them from our lives. He said that if I don't invite his mom to the baby shower, than he doesn't want me inviting anyone from his side of the family. So, where do I draw the line to protect my own integrity and keeping calm family waters? All I want is an apology.

TIA for your help!!

 

Wow, those were pretty harsh words from your MIL. I can totally understand you wanting an apology and she definitely owes you one. However, since they are still your DH's family they should still be updated on the babies and invited to the shower. You don't have to be overly nice to them or even talk to them if you don't want to. I am not trying to upset you, but they are and will always be your DH's parents and therefore part of your life unless he cuts them out.

I am totally on your side with this one though, she definitely overstepped her boundary on this one and I can see why you are so upset, I would be too. She definitely owes you an apology. Sorry you are dealing with this. I hope it gets resolved soon. :hug99:

ETA: I do agree with Jennie that your DH should be the one to tell them to back off. Perhaps he could tell them he thinks they owe you an apology. I always let my DH handle his family for something like that.

 

I think your husband needs to be the one to tell him mom to back off and behave. The e-mail you sent sounds like it was reasonable, but she was not in her response. I feel anything you do at this time will just add fuel to the fire, but if your husband steps in and tries to set things straight, she will hopefully see how unreasonable she is being. So sorry you have to deal with this.
Jennie

 

Don't you just love inlaws! I also have inlaws that tend to but in and put in their two cents where it's none of their business! The way we deal with it is my DH has had to be very clear with his mother exactly what her boundaries are. Maybe your dh needs to do the same and explain to his parents that they need to "but out" all of their unwanted opinions!! He really needs to resolve these issues for you before the babies arrive or things will only get worse. I too have said I didn't want to see any of my inlaws until I had an apology, and my dh has always stepped up and fixed things with his family. It sounds to me like your dh is being forced to choose between his pregnant wife and his mother. He needs to make it clear to his mom that he is going to choose YOU now and in the future, and then its HER choice whether she comes to the shower, hospital, etc.

Just my two cents, but I've been there and it's TOUGH!!!

 

although i totally understand why you would not want to speak to her ever again, maybe completely cutting them out is a little too harsh. i would most certainly want an apology and i would definitely want my DH to make it very clear to his mother that she was totally out of line and needs to back off. how can she predict that you're going to be a bad mother? that comment alone would make me fume.
i am sorry that your MIL appears to be a huge wench of a lady. hopefully ammends can be made for the sake of your impending little family.
good luck, mama.

 

You may not like what I'm going to say, but I don't think you should have written the e-mail. (That doesn't excuse her nastiness.) They were giving him a hard time about his career and he needs to be able to speak for himself. By you sending the e-mail, it almost seems like he was okay with them saying that.

Having said that, what she said in her e-mail was truly awful and inexcusable under ANY circumstances. If I were you, honestly, I wouldn't be so forgiving of DH. He isn't in the middle, he is the reason for it! ILs will only do what they know they can get away with. Your DH has somehow given them the message that they can get away with this. He needs to step in, stand up for you, stand up for himself and make your ILs make it up to you.

Luckily, you have some time to work this all out before the babies arrive. You might want to find a marriage couselor to work through it with you if your DH won't step up to the plate. From the way you began your post, it sounds like this isn't the first time something like this has happened.

 

QUOTE(tgbmomofthree @ Aug 11 2007, 12:38 PM) [snapback]365220[/snapback]
You may not like what I'm going to say, but I don't think you should have written the e-mail. (That doesn't excuse her nastiness.) They were giving him a hard time about his career and he needs to be able to speak for himself. By you sending the e-mail, it almost seems like he was okay with them saying that.

Having said that, what she said in her e-mail was truly awful and inexcusable under ANY circumstances. If I were you, honestly, I wouldn't be so forgiving of DH. He isn't in the middle, he is the reason for it! ILs will only do what they know they can get away with. Your DH has somehow given them the message that they can get away with this. He needs to step in, stand up for you, stand up for himself and make your ILs make it up to you.

Luckily, you have some time to work this all out before the babies arrive. You might want to find a marriage couselor to work through it with you if your DH won't step up to the plate. From the way you began your post, it sounds like this isn't the first time something like this has happened.


I am quoting Tammy because I think that she said what I was thinking much better than I could have expressed. I agree that you should not have sent the email (although what you were/are thinking is totally true), but what is done is done. And her response was LESS than approriate. I do not think that you should cut her out of your lives--invite her to the shower. And I think that you should be polite when you see her, to keep the peace, but I would not go out of the way to spend extra time with her. And I would leave any "confronting" of this issue to your DH to handle. It definitely needs to be resolved, but he needs to be the one to do it.