Working Moms and Your Friendships

I went back to work in August as a teacher and I found it to be a real shocker at how *very* little "me" time I'd have throughout the week - and weekend. The main thing I've "let go" of is finding the time to call or plan get togethers with my friends. :cry: I have a handful of very, very close friends and a very close cousin, all of whom I talked to a few times a week and saw at least 1xmonth (they all live 1.5-5 hours away, so the phone is very important) before going back to work. Now, I'm lucky if I talk to my mom and MIL a few times a week - forget everyone else!

Summer is coming and I know that I will be able to reconnect with everyone during those 10 weeks, but school will roll around again and I need to find a way to keep in better touch and be a better friend. Everyone understands and there are no hard feelings, but at teh same time, these are very important relationships to me and I'd like to figure out this working mom and keeping my friends thing out!

Any tips, advice, BTDT, etc. would be very appreciated!

 

Jori, :hug: I am sorry, I don't really have any great advice or plan to help you. I have struggled with this very aspect for almost 4 years. However, in the last few months, my IL's have started keeping the girls every Friday night. It has become something special to them and to L&M. They enjoy it and the girls look forward to it. DH & I use this time for ourselves, meaning sometimes we do things together, most times, I find this time for my friends.

Is there anyone that you can ask to watch them for a few hours on a Friday or Saturday night one or two times a month?

 

I had few friends pre-kids, but once I had the kids, and then moved to a different state, I have nothing. It bugs me sometimes, but sometimes it doesn't. I've always been able to entertain myself, and now I have two little people to take with me whenever I want to go somewhere.

 

I am part of a book club and we meet once a month. This is the one thing I really do for myself. I love these women and we've been with each other thru a lot, so its great to have a standing 'date' each month with them. As for my out-of-state friends, I suck at that. My best friend lives a couple of states away. We try to get together for a girl weekend at least once a year and we talk on the phone a couple of times a month. Really email and FB keep us connected better.

 

I have two sets of friends -- one group of local friends and another group of lifelong friends who live far away.

With the lifelong friends, our contact is very sporadic. I hate the phone, and most of them have no time for substantive email messages, so we can go months with no communication at all (except a tiny bit on FB). But we make a point of getting together in person every couple of years, and because we're extremely lucky, we don't feel like we grow apart in the meantime. So those contacts are infrequent, but soul-sustaining.

My local friends are nearly all working moms too, which helps. I find it's actually harder to get together with SAHM friends, because the way they structure their time is completely different. My working mom friends tend to want to get together on weekend afternoons & evenings because that's the only time they can do it.

As for what we do -- we go strollering after gymnastics on Saturdays, meet up at the playground, or have dinner at each others' houses. We have almost no time together without our kids, but for this stage of life, that seems to be OK. Anyway, now that all our kids are old enough to play unsupervised, we often send them down to the family room and only go down there if we hear screaming.

DH and I are going on a double date with another couple (we both got babysitters for the same night) later this month, and I'm very excited!

I'm also part of a book club which meets after dinner once a month. (DH puts the kids to bed those nights.) Those ladies are not my very close friends, but it's still nice to have some time to talk to other women with no kids around.

 

Hi:

I hear you about the "me" time. I first went back at an 80% schedule at work when my twins were 4 months old, but ramped up to 100% last year and both times, it was a real adjustment for me in terms of time for myself -- and that includes friend time, too. Recently, I've really felt that hole in my life and decided to try to do something about it, so your post is VERY timely and appreciated (and I will be interested in responses.)

Like Alden, I have a group of life-long, but far away friends. We talk on the phone, email and/or meet up sporadically. Some don't have kids or have older or grown up kids, so they are in a different "child rearing" stage that I am. My best friend from childhood lives near my brother and when we visit, he graciously includes her in every family meal and event, which I deeply appreciate. This fall, 3 of my friends are planning to get together for a girls weekend away. (Requires planning months in advance.)

For my closer-by friends, it varies. I have "mommy" friends, and we do something kid-related usually on a weekend (e.g., we are planning to go strawberry picking in June.) Or, I have another friend that we invite over for Sunday afternoon and Sunday dinner from time to time. And, I have a friend who calls me to make a lunch date whenever she goes to her dentist (which is near where I work.) But, it is all sporadic and kind of hit or miss, so I feel like I am "parcelling" out my time among my buddies.

Also, we still have an active mom's group that has gotten together since our kids were babies. They meet every other Friday afternoon with the kids at someone's house or a local park. I used to go when I worked parttime. Now, I only get to go on occasion (usually, if we are hosting). But, we also just recently (in the fall) started to do a mom's night out dinner about every 3 or 4 months.

And, I've heard about, but never done this: I have a friend who has a standing Sunday night phone call with her best friend. One calls the other every Sunday night after kids are in bed and they chat.

Anyway, I hope you get lots of good suggestions. Wonderful supportive friends are such a gift and finding time to nurture friendships is important.

All best,

Meg Miller -- mom to 4 year old boy/girl twins

 

Until I picked up running..I had no time with my friends outside of seeing them at work. A good friend of mine (who I also teach with) asked me to start running with her and we began to run together several times a week. It wasn't much, but it was an hour a couple of times a week that I could just talk with someone. Especially when we got into our long runs, it was sooo nice. It's something that I am looking forward to getting back to after my surgery tomorrow. She and I also have kids the same age, so we meet up often during the summer and take all the kids swimming. Beyond that, I don't have a lot of time for getting together with my friends, but now that the girls are older, I have been trying to make it a point to take a night or two a month and get together with my friends. This was something I just wasn't able to do when the girls were younger, but has been much easier to do now that they are older.

 

I have a set of local friends that I've been a part of for many years and I am the last one to have kids... anyway, its a monthly Bunco group so I always make room for our 3rd Thursday of the month night out together. 5 of us from that group try to celebrate birthdays too.... that seems harder because we try to find another night we can all agree on...

My other new friends is my local twin mom friends. Our local group again, has a set night a month we get together.

anyway, all that is to say that I find it easier to get together with the girls when its always the same time every month. Yes, it is important to try to take time to get together with your friends!

 

Thanks everyone! :grouphug: I appreciate your responses. I don't know what I was thinking, I just didn't expect my time to talk with friends and close family to take such a hit when I returned to work this time around. I wasn't quite prepared for how time-consuming all of the family and work stuff would be and how, by the end of the day at 9:00 p.m., usually the last thing I want to do is talk on the phone for an hour. I miss my friends and you all have given me some great ideas. Maybe even if we just tried to schedule a certain day of the week to talk and always made it happen. 2 of my very best friends live within 1-1.5 hours of me, so there is no reason we can't be more proactive and meet up 1xmonth at least. It just gets so crazy and chaotic being a working mom, I feel like there isn't enough time in the day. :gah:

I'm glad (and sad) to hear I'm not the only one who struggles with this. :grouphug: Thanks again!

 

I miss my friends, too. I went back to work, full time, when the boys were 9 weeks old. I've felt isolated a LOT over the years, especially since my best friend isn't married & doesn't have kids. She'll come 'join' us at times, but I can tell she doesn't ENJOY it when the boys are around. Almost all of our 'close' friends pre-kids are no longer in town, so when they do come visit for a weekend here or there, it's nice because we can visit after bedtime without getting a sitter!

But, as for going OUT, that's so rare now. It's SO expensive to get a sitter that my DH & I rarely hang with our friends together anymore. I try to get out with the girls on occasion, but I find myself falling asleep if I get out too late ! Plus, being that I work night shift, nights with my boys are precious & I HATE to not put them to bed on my nights off (that's my favorite time of day!). I tend to say 'no' to activities with friends, just to spend time with my kids. That's my choice, but I now realize that my friends don't even call to invite me as much anymore.

Then I have some pre-kid friends who now have kids close in age to mine. That's great because we do LOTS of playdates. Luckily, our work schedules allow for us to do lots of stuff during the day. As the kids get older, we can let them play at the park & just talk. Ahhh...adult conversation! I look forward to the days when we can send them to another room & enjoy quiet in a different room!

I rarely talk on the phone anymore because really, why bother? I'm interrupted SO much that whoever I'm talking to gets way too annoyed. And my brain is typically too fried to try to hold an adult conversation after bedtime. Without Facebook & email (which I'm not even good at email), I would've lost complete touch with most of my very close friends.

Luckily, a true friend is a bond that can last months without contact. My bestest friends are the girls who I can see after months with no contact & STILL have a great time! Those are the relationships I cherish & the ones I remind myself of when I feel lonely & friendless. In a few years, the kids will all be grown & I'll wish I had my little ones again versus having all the time to hang with my friends .