Your DH and strip clubs

see this is an interesting thing to me - i think it's normal to lust after & be attracted to people other than your spouse. i think it's more dangerous to a marriage to think that it shouldn't happen because i think that creates unrealistic expectations. by acknowledging that there will be times that you are attracted to and lust after people other than your spouse (and it'll happen whether you go to strip clubs or not) than it won't be surprising or feel "forbidden" when it does happen.

the perfect example of this for me is a couple i knew when i was at bible college. they had dated since high school & were planning on getting married. our college offered a summer service program that paid a scholarship towards your next year's tuition. the guy from said relationship was on my team that went to Montana & his fiancee was on the time that went to the Yukon. over the course of the summer, the girl found herself attracted to one of the camp directors that she worked with & called into question her current relationship - much drama ensued. it happened because she believed that now that she was engaged she would never, ever, ever be attracted to anybody else. and that's just not true. it's not whether you're attracted to or lust after people other than your spouse, it's whether or not you act on those feelings that matters.

 

i don't think you're a prude - i think it's important to be clear on how you feel about these things to avoid misunderstandings.

that being said, the definiton of affair isn't always black & white. this is probably going to sound very, very weird, but for me, i wouldn't be upset if my husband was physically involved with another woman, as long as i knew about it & it wasn't a secret, but i would be absolutely devastated if he fell in love with someone else. ardon: for me, it's the emotional side of it that would be the affair.

 

I have been very clear on my feelings about this with my husband, he may not love it but because he loves me he accepts it.

I dont think what you said is weird-its just not the same feelings I have on the issue.

I get that you can be attracted to other people and that doesnt mean that your relationship is doomed...its whether or not you act on it, IMO.
I have found lots of men attractive and not just physically but I have had times when I thought 'it would be cool to have a relationship with him, he's nice, funny, respectable etc...but I know there is a flip side to every thing and as with my husband and my marriage there are good things and bad but I am not willing to lose all that just to act on lust...
Did any of that make sense? :laughing:

 

If he went and lied about it, this is the reason. They are all scared because deep down they know

1. we don't approve
2. it's not right

No, I am not okay with naked women touching my husband. I'll be ok with it the day he is okay with naked men touching me. And this has a no chance - as I have no desire - in my life.

But as some of the pp I don't have this problem. My husband thinks it's not right and he would never spend our money, our kids' money on wh...s.

 

My opinion, I'm not trying to place judgement on anybody, just voice my opinion:

Doesn't the act of going to a strip club put one in a position that could lead to something else? Why would one want to risk a serious relationship for the thrill of being turned on? How is looking all that much different from touching in this case? How is a strip club any different from porn? Would you feel the same way if your dh was oogling over your daughter, niece, sister, best friend, someone you know well? How would you feel if your son participated in that? I guess my point I am trying to make is why would anyone willingly risk the trust they have with their spouse by allowing or even encouraging them to go to a strip club? Why would anyone want them to be surrounded by that? I honestly don't understand. Maybe I too am a prude.

 

wow. strippers aren't wh...s.

 

The emotional side would be the killer for me too.

And I think that having a little lust in the relationship for others is perfectly healthy. It's hardwired in men's brains, that little bit of primal lust tucked away in the most lizard regions of their brains, "to go forth, conquer, and spread my seed". It's biology.

ETA: Strippers aren't whores. They're not sluts. They're dancers. Dancers who take some of their clothes (if not all) off. They're working, their exercising their bodies and flaunting what sells, sex.

 

well, i'd feel weird about him oogling our daughters or anyone else related to him, but that's because it would be incestuous and an entirely different issue than him looking at naked women, generally. as for him oogling a best friend or someone i know very well, that has happened, and it's not a big deal. we have mutual friends that we both find attractive & sometimes use that to good effect in our sex life (and yes, some of them he has seen naked or almost naked). ardon: if you're wondering if i would be comfortable having other men oogle my daughters that way, well, it wouldn't be my first choice for them, but if they had made an informed choice, as adults, to become strippers & were happy with their choice, then i would support them in it. as long as they actually had some skills & didn't just bounce walk around the stage. :laughing:

as for a son, if i had one, as long as he was legal age, it wouldn't bother me if he went.

the thing is, i don't feel like i'm risking the trust i have with my spouse by encouraging him to go. if anything, it brings something out into the open that would likely be happening anyway, regardless of how i felt about it, and allows us be open & candid about it.

 

Not cool in my book either. When we got married we committed ourselves to each other. If dh wants a lap dance I will do it.

I HATE to see the clubs on the sides of the highway, I think the signs hundreds of miles before the club are trashy and should be embarrassing to the community the club is in, I think the clubs degrade women and are designed for no good.

 

Since I have two cousins who are strippers, I can honestly say most of them are wh...s.

 

BECAUSE maybe some husbands aren't...and I see your point sometimes just becasue someone dosen't say they like to go and we may be naive and think that isn't my husband. :laughing:
My husband told me even before we dated and were just friends that strip places were not his thing. He went once and he has a lap dance and didn't know you had to pay for them :laughing: and so he was young had no money..got kicked out :laughing:
he has only gone once while we were married and he was playing pool in another room so that ddosen't really count. It isn't the strip club itself that would bother me anyway. It wwould be the lap dances and giving some girl OUR money. BUT then again mine "isn't into that kind of thing" :laughing:

 

Have half of you people judging actually been in a strip club or just seen one on tv??

 

I have been to one.

 

Wow! I can see where that would make you an expert.

I'm thinking probably no. I've been to see male strippers and also been in one (or two) that had both sexes stripping down in New Orleans. It's my impression that in most of those places you can't touch...even when they are doing a lap dance (we paid for a male dancer to dance on my male friend in NO. My male friend was not amused :laughing: )

 

And woman's. Lust isn't a bad thing... looking is very much different then doing, IMO and keeps things hot.

:good: I agree.

Two out of the thousands (millions? ardon of strippers does not make it true for all. I know strippers and they are not whores but that doesn't mean all are good people like them but it's not fair to cast that opinion on them all.

 

You can say that your two cousins are whores. Not that most strippers are whores.

 

I disagree. I think it's normal to feel attraction to other people. Lust is different, IMO. TO me, the line between attraction and lust is action. I
consider purposely putting yourself in a position to look at other women's naked bodies as disrespectful to me and to the marriage covenant.

I think maybe it just depends on your definition of whore. You said yourself they are flaunting what sells, sex. That, to me, means they are selling their bodies (to be looked at in a sexual way.

 

I appreciate what you are saying. The only judgement I have is against my husband. I have no judgement against strippers. I do NOT think they are wh*res. I think that life has taken them down a road that I wouldn't wish on anyone. I think as a society there is something wrong with women having to dance naked to support their families. My views have actually solidified once becoming the mother to a daughter. I want to go into a strip club and hand out information about colleges and financial aid. Yes, they have found and are profitting from what sells in this country, but IMO, we have sexualized women for far too long in this country.

 

I do not think all strippers are doing it to go to college. Some are doing it because it is really good money. Heck some probably have degrees and are still doing it.

And I am sorry but to tell your husband what he can and cannot do is just wrong, would I prefer my husband to not go, of course I would but I am not going to forbid it. And how many times do men honestly go, not very often. We did make a commitment to each other but we do not own each other.

I bet alot of husbands look at online porn or read Playboy and wives do not know about it. That is lusting for another woman, is that ok??

 

Nope, definitely have NOT forbidden him to do anything. We are both grown adults, but I don't have to be happy about every choice that he makes.

 

For me, lust is not acting on desire, it just is. It's a feeling that comes over you. You can stop it, but the beginning of it is involuntary. An affair, emotional or physical, is action. I think lust is healthy, and it's not something that you expect. If you meet someone and you feel lust for them (strictly, wow, he's hot, I wonder what it would be like...) I don't have a problem with that, either for me or my DH. I think it's normal. I think it's healthy. I think trying to subdue normal feelings is not healthy. But, when you cross the line and take that into action, meeting that person for physical touch, using them as an emotional crutch instead of your spouse, that's where I think the problem lies.

General all, not directed to Christel: For me, and I suspect others here, whore is a very derragatory (sp?) term for giving sex for money. Dancing while being willing to show your given (or sugically enhanced) attributes for money, I do not agree that puts anyone into the whore category. You can be a whore without being a stripper. You can be a stripper without being a whore. One example does not a whole population make. Most strippers do not take everything off. Most leave at least the panties on, some more than that. You can see worse at the beach, and on a much less attractive frame. The name-calling, of people you've never met, and don't know their story, seems a little extreme.

But then, I suspect that I'm a little more open on this subject than many of you ladies here. That's OK with me. I just hate to see people run down, with no proof or evidence, other than generalized bias, without having a chance to defend themselves. You don't want your DHs to go - sounds good to me as long as you and DH are on the same page. That's something between you, and only you. opcorn:

 

I get what you are saying. But I think an "oh I think he's hot" moment is quite a bit different than paying to look at women dance suggestively while they are naked.

You are definitely right about the word whore. That word carrys a more negative connotation that I mean to imply. I should have changed to prostitute. But I do still think of it as a form of prostitution. If I were a stripper men would be paying to look at my breasts and watch me dance in a sexual way. They are paying for gratification, even if it's only visual.

Having said that, I still would not look down on someone because they were a stripper. They're still people and deserve the same respect we all deserve.

 

okay, the wh*re thing is really getting to me. frankly, the whole idea is bothersome to me. no matter what a mature, consenting, informed adult decides to do in their sexual life, they should not be given that label. period. sl*t's another one that bothers me. it's a judgement on someone's lifestyle/career choice that is unfair. fine, it may not be something you would choose for yourself, or your daughter, but putting a derogatory label on someone else for making that choice is no different that telling a mother who doesn't breastfeed that she's a bad parent.

 

:clapping: Well said, Rachel!!!

 

I guess I just don't see it as that different than paying to go watch a movie with Angelina Jolie or Megan Fox, or Val Kilmer or Channing Tatum. You don't necessarily need them naked to want to see them because they are hot. Our society, as this came up in the BF thread, is overly concerned with naked bodies, IMO. Sex makes the world go round. I love my DH, I will only be with my DH, but I do like to look at other men and women for the sheer enjoyment of the human body. And for us, all of that looking makes our married life a little bit more exciting. Again, for me, the line is crossed when physical touching or emotional attachment results. But DH or I going to a strip club, nah, it's just enjoying something in a slightly naughty way, the same reason I watched every Val Kilmer movie (my thoughts were less than pure, and I didn't even have to see him naked).

As for whether it's prostitution or not, that becomes more subjective. An argument can be made either way.

 

I actually asked my DH about this last night and he's said the same thing since I've known him (we were friends for 2+ years before we dated) about strip clubs. We're from a rather small town in MI and there was 1 in our town. He went twice when he was 18 and found it to be rather unattractive girls in a stinky, smoky environment. He did not appreciate it.

Now, I would actually love to go to a strip club with him because I've never been. He won't go. I have suggested it various times over the years and his answer is the same. He is not interested.

This is not to say that he doesn't like porn every once in a while or sex regularly. If I had to guess, I'd say he is uncomfortable with the overtness of strip clubs. Oh, & he's very cheap. :laughing:

 

My DH has always said he has no interest in strip clubs and I believe him. He has been to one or two at friends' bachelor parties (before I met him). If he did want to go, I wouldn't be psyched about it, not because I care whether he wants to look at sexy women, but because I think strip clubs are gross and it would be hard for me to understand why that was sexy to him.

 

The secretiveness is what would bother me about the OP. I have also tried to get my DH to take me to a strip club, but he absolutely will not even consider it. He was married to a stripper so he doesn't see much magic in the whole event. It wouldn't bother me if he was invited to a bachelor party in a strip club, though I doubt he would go. It would have bothered me if he had wanted his bachelor party to be held in a strip club. I think my feelings about it are similar to Lesley. Honesty just goes a long way in a relationship. It can't be that good for your relationship if it's something you have to hide from each other.

 

I can say this about my husband and he is a man. My husband can also say "My wife would NEVER do that" and "My wife is not into that" and I am a woman.

Just because every man one person knows would go and want to watch an activity like that it does not mean that every man would want to. Nothing like making a blanket statement about a group of people.

 

I haven't read all the responses yet but I'll add my .02. He was probably worried you guys would fight again.

Mine doesn't care to go to them, but has on a rare occasion with friends. I NEVER ask what went on there, because I don't care to know and possibly get angry/upset/jealous. I have a low self esteem so if we talked about it and it seemed like he had a good time, I would beat myself up. So it's just something we don't discuss. Like I said, he doesn't care to go to them so luckily we don't even need to have this conversation often!!

 

I can say with certainty that mine is NOT into it, and it wasn't because I got a "oh no honey, I don't go to those places..." sort of response, it was a very frank discussion.

 

I honestly could care less if my DH goes to a strip club, or got a lap dance. ardon: Like others, as long as it isn't a weekly thing, where he knows them all by name then I don't see the issue. :nea: I have even dropped my DH and his friends off at a strip club, and played DD so they could go and have a good time.

My DH and I have a very open and honest relationship. I am not threatened by other women because I know what my husband and I have, and I am not worried in the least bit.

I would rather have it out there in the open, than have it be forbidden and him to feel propelled to wanting it more, and potentially taking it to the next level.

I would be more upset if he did go, and lied to me about it than actually going and getting a lap dance.

I also agree with PP's that it is completely natural to lust/look even if you are married. I do it all the time, and my DH knows about it and vice versa. We have no secrets. Any lying, or emotional cheating would be much harder for me to handle.

 

I can also honestly say that my DH is just not into it. I know he's gone in the past, I know he's looked at porn/dirty pictures here and there, and there's a Playboy hidden in one of his drawers (from like, 1995 and he swears it's because there's an interview with Rush Limbaugh in there, so I believe him on that one :lol. But, I can trust that it goes no further than a comment about the size of some chick's boobs. I'd be dumb to think that he isn't typical in that sense. But, like Kyrstyn, I know what we have (though I may not always understand why he loves me the way he does) and in general, it's a non-issue for me when it comes to the average strip club. The totally nude thing? Yeah, I might have a problem with that.

Mandy, I can understand your frustration. I think that if it were me, I'd much rather talk about it and know what happened, even if I might be hurt/upset/jealous. I think that sometimes we have to make compromises in our relationships, and this may just be one of those things where one of you is going to have to concede a little. I know it's not fun, but being hurt or angry about it seems non-productive in your current state (ie: stress and busy lifestyle). I hope y'all are able to work it out in time...

As a side note, I always find it disgusting when women call each other sl*ts and wh*res. You may not like or agree with their chosen profession, but keep in mind that they're still someone's daughter, granddaughter, mother, or friend.

 

Um, is this the Den? Did I make a wrong turn?

First of all Mandy, where in the world have you been? This is why I miss you; you have a knack for starting great threads?

Not only do I want my husband to go to a strip club. I think I would like him to be employed at a strip club :laughing:. The more he shakes his booty the quicker we can get a house :booty:. :rotflmbo:

That's a classic.

FWIW, I don't think strippers are who*es either. In fact, I think prostitution should be legal, so I guess I don't have any problem with anyone who works in the sex industry. I would personally prefer that my DH not get involve in prostitution or porn due to health risks and because I'm a not willing to sexually share him with others, but if that's what floats people's boat, I don't see anything wrong with it. If we legalized prostitution and more tightly regulated porn, it would probably be a lot safer for the sex workers and their clients.

 

Add me to the list of those that don't mind the occasional strip club visit including a lap dance. He's been with friends and we've been together with friends. As long as it's not a regular thing, I just don't see the problem. For a few years there was an annual party that devolved into a small group going to one of the strip clubs here. I've had a lap dance from a woman and that was a huge turn on for both of us ardon:. I'll say that after we got home was usually more fun than the strip club itself . My idea of strip clubs was far dirtier (in both senses) before I went to one than it was in reality. There's very little touching that happens or is allowed.

To me a strip club/lap dance has nothing to do with the trust in our relationship. To me it's a far cry from a once a year lap dance with your clothing on in a public place because it's enjoyable/sexy to sleeping with or having a relationship with someone else. If I didn't trust my husband, I wouldn't be worried about the dancers at a club, but more about a close coworker, etc.