Your DH and strip clubs

I wouldn't be comfortable with my DH going to a strip club. Luckily, he's not interested. And I don't buy "he's a man, you can't believe him" - he's an individual and I know him better than anyone, and I know he's not interested.

I have no problem with him looking at other people (in a normal-life context). We both do, that's only human. And I have nothing against nudity in general either. On a couple vacations in Germany we went to saunas/steambaths where they had gender-segregated rooms and also mixed-gender rooms. It was so awesome and liberating to just sit and relax naked with strangers of both genders. You really just appreciate normal (not anorexic/silicone/shaved/oversexed) human bodies, and it makes it so much easier to accept your own - nobody's perfect and everyone looks just fine.

 

I have been to strip clubs and I do not think that all the women are Barbie looking. I have seen womem of all shapes and sizes.

 

I agree that no one is perfect, but I don't guage my own self worth in comparing myself to others. I can appreciate a skinny (which BTW, not all skinny girls are anorexic and that was a pretty broad generalization), beautiful girl. If I can do that, why would I forbid my husband from doing the same.

I am not intimidated by someone having silicone, being shaved or oversexed. I prefer to appreciate people based on who they are, not what they look like or how much work they have or have not had done.

I think it just comes down to insecurities. Not only within one's self, but with their relationship. If you are truly secure in yourself and your relationship, than any other woman (stripper or otherwise) would not be a threat.

 

:good: Exactly!!

I was just in New Orleans, and there were more strip clubs there than anywhere else I have ever seen and they were not all cookie cutter, gorgeous, skinny girls with huge fake boobs. Far from it actually.

 

Well, it certainly would have been a broad generalization if I had said that all skinny girls are anorexic, which I didn't. :huh: (And btw, I am a skinny, beautiful girl. With plenty of ordinary body flaws like anyone else.)

*ahem* Speaking of broad generalizations...

I can totally see your logic, but I think this is something really primal and emotional that you can't quite reason people out of, and it's a bit unfair to suggest that women who don't like the idea of their husbands going to strip clubs are insecure about themselves or don't trust their husbands. I'm probably more confident about my looks than 95% of the female population (not that I look better than 95% of the female population - far from it!!! :lol: - but I feel very good about my looks and my body), and I trust my DH more than anyone in the world about everything (including but not limited to sex/romance).

Anyone who knows me will say I'm one of the most cerebral/geeky people out there, but this is a purely emotional gut reaction. Probably biological - females of plenty of species are wired to want the males to stick around and help raise the kids, males of plenty of species want to sow their wild oats. Possessiveness goes deeper than the frontal cortex.

 

You're right, you didn't say that. When I read it, that is how I took it. ardon: I guess I just put Anorexia under the MI category, and don't often clump it with shaving, silicone, and being oversexed, which is why I drew the conclusion that I did. I can see how anorexia can be seen by some as a vanity issue, but all too often I think there are a lot of underlying issues beyond physical appearance. It just seemed odd to have that particular disorder thrown in with the rest of the other things you listed, if you weren't referring to skinny girls.

 

Appearance-driven professions (whether stripping or modeling) put intense pressure on women to conform to unrealistic standards, and eating disorders are sometimes the result (though of course, as you pointed out, there's often more to an eating disorder than just wanting to look good). Obviously, not every stripper or model will have an eating disorder, but the job certainly lends itself to it.

Sorry if I said something that offended you. Believe me, I'm not slamming women for having eating disorders - I have all the compassion in the world for it. One of my best friends in college was recovering from anorexia when I met her (and only really filled out to looking "normal" for her frame after a few years, and still struggled with food and appearance issues), and it was so sad to see a stunningly beautiful young woman (I still think she's one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen) convinced that she didn't look good.

 

My dh is kind of the same way; he'd never go to one on his own, but he's been a few times with his buddies for bachelor parties. I actually don't know if he's had a lap dance; I think his friends got him one on his bachelor party, but I'm not sure. I guess my feelings on it are, if he initiated it & paid for it then YEAH I'd have a problem with it. If his buddies all pooled together & got it for him, then I'm not sure.

I kind of think your dh is afraid to tell you what all happened; he's prob just remembering the big fight last time & trying to avoid that.

 

I may be in the minority here but I really don't like the idea of strip clubs. I think this is more to do with my own insecurities. All I can picture is my DH seeing something that I can't provide and that I couldn't compete with in a million years. DH is a hot blooded male and to my knowledge he hasn't visited one since we got married, but it doesn't stop him trying to get a good look behind his sunglasses whenever a beautiful woman walks past. He knows how I feel and is respectful to me. I hate that I could be taking away a fun night out with the boys from him, but I really couldn't handle it. I have never been in a strip club, was bought up in an all female house and have never seen a porn magazine. Maybe it's time to stop being a prude and embrace new experiences but it's too scary!!! Or I could get off here and have a cuddle on the couch with my beloved DH!!! Good luck.

 

This very well may be the case for most women, but it isn't with me. DH and I have been in counselling ever since this incident, and we've explored the ins and outs from every perspective and I can truly say it's not insecurity on my behalf. I do not believe that my husband is going to run off with a stripper or that I'm not enough for him. I'm having a hard time exactly putting it into words, but it is something similar to what Holly was saying. It's something intanglible. It's a shift. It's primal and emotional. It has more to do with DH and my shared sexuality and how it's the only thing that separates us from every other person on this Earth. It's private. It's special. It bonds us. It's produced three wonderful children. By going to a strip club, you've added other people into this equation that is precious to me. You've cheapened it. If that makes me a prude, so be it. These are my principles and DH knew them when he married me.

 

You explained yourself SO well here. I completely agree with you and think what you and Holly are explaining is a far cry from insecurity.

 

bachelor party... maybe... lap dance.... oh heck no! not necessary or okay in my book... look, but no touch is probably what sums up my feelings.

 

This is how I feel too...you just said it so much better then me.

As I said before, I have no judgement on what anyone else's relationship and what you and your dh do for kicks...fine by me. The question was how I felt about MY husband going to stip clubs.

 

Maybe this has to do with the kind of strip clubs that are in one's local area too. Around here, they are pretty sleazy places.

 

Stacy - I think you explained yourself very well, and you have a right to those feelings. I agree that not all of the aversion is due to insecurity. For some yes, but not for all (that generalization thing again, not directed at you). The thing about marriage, I read somewhere, is that there are unspoken rules that bind the two people together. They learn these things by talking a lot about things. If this is one of the bedrocks of your marriage foundation, that the sexual relationship can only include the two of you (not talking affairs here, just the external gratification thing) then that's what you guys need to make it work for you. And I think getting counseling to get that sorted out between the two of you was a good job, because this is a hard subject for most couples to address in the best of times. Trite as this may sound, unspoken rules sometimes need to be spoken.

We're all a bit off topic here, but I've enjoyed the discussion.

 

i don't think it's trite, i think you make a good point. i think at the end of the day, this probably has more to do with being clear on your boundaries as a couple than strip clubs in particular. if my husband knew in advance that i would not be comfortable with him getting a lap dance, and then he got one anyway (regardless of the excuse), i would be very upset about it. it would be the disrespect of my feelings, i think, more than the actual action in question that would bother me.

 

Can I just say, I :wub: TS!!!
What a great group of ladies to be able to have such a well articulated discussion on a potentially hot topic. I adore hearing everyone's viewpoints and am constantly evaluating my own against those views that are shared. I will still never feel comfortable with DH going to a strip club - AT ALL (and it's NOT because I'm insecure! ) but I've enjoyed catching up on this thread every day for the past few days.

 

Same here.

 

Honestly, I think that's naive and shows an incomplete understanding of human nature and relationships.
And also does not take into account that people have various beliefs--spiritual, ethical, religious, etc.--that might affect their views of strip clubs and have nothing to do with insecurities or feeling threatened. Some people base these decisions on principles and beliefs that go well beyond how a situation affects them emotionally. I think the important thing is to be on the same page as your spouse/partner. As long as you have boundaries and/or beliefs that you're both comfortable with, that's what matters.

 

I think a lot of men (not all) would be uncomfortbale at a strip club with their wives. I also truly believe there are many men who don't like strip clubs and who would hate a lap dance. I also believe a lot of women are naive.