Your parents and you/your kids?

Discussion in 'The Toddler Years(1-3)' started by Fran27, Sep 22, 2010.

  1. Fran27

    Fran27 Well-Known Member

    How is it overall between your parents and your kids?

    I know it's probably a dumb question, but I'm curious. I only have my mom left, but she's sooooo annoying. The good thing is that she lives in France so I only see her twice a year when she flies over. She's always commenting about how I interact with dh - basically if I get annoyed by anything or, how dare I, ask him to help, she's telling me that I should stop. I'm a SAHM and according to her I have to do EVERYTHING even when he's home. Then the kids... she spends a week here and her only interactions with them is holding their hand when we go out. I guess I shouldn't be surprised as she never played or anything with us as kids either (but I admit that it doesn't come naturally to me at all either), but still. I mean she flies over here and spends most of her days reading?

    The worst really is that she told me 'oh DS is handsome, but DD has something more'. Excuse me??? I survived her showing obvious favoritism to our brother as we grew up, I really don't want her to do the same with my kids... They're her first grandchildren, my brother doesn't want any and my sister is having fertility issues also but is trying... They're adopted too and I admit that I'm a bit worried about what will happen when my sister has bio kids that she can see all the time... She's always telling me how great my kids are and gives me way too much money for their birthday/Christmas/just randomly when she comes visit, but she's always given money instead of showing affection...

    Am I alone?
  2. kingeomer

    kingeomer Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    :hug: Fran

    My mom is the only grandparent my children have (my father passed away earlier this year and my DH's mother died in 1991, his father in 2006). I'm pretty fortunate with her. She does see the children once a week, doesn't show obvious favoritism though she does enjoy the attention my son lavishes on her. My mom is willing to listen to me vent when I am frustrated with the kids and DH and I know a lot of times she probably does want to stick up for them, but realizes I am venting and she just keeps her thoughts to herself. She is very good about enforcing the rules we have with the kids. For a while she would give the kids a dollar to put in their bank every time she saw them and I asked her to not do that as much because I didn't want the kids to see her as some kind of bank.
    Perhaps with your Mom, since she does not play with them much or get to see them as often, she feels that giving money is making up for the lack of time :unsure: Are you able to talk to her about how you feel? I'm sorry that you are going through this with your Mom :hug:
  3. Katheros

    Katheros Well-Known Member

    My mom is what I call a "show grandma." When other people are around or we are out in public, she is the perfect grandmother. But when it's just us, she doesn't want anything to do with the twins. She only visits us about 2 times a year, we live three hours away, because she thinks we should come visit her more often than she visits us. My oldest brother has 3 kids and she only sees them at Christmas and they live about 20 minutes away from her. My mom also hugely favors my brothers over me, which I thought with the twins being boys she would favor them, but I guess she's just getting old, I don't know. Moms will be moms.
  4. Aeliza

    Aeliza Well-Known Member

    My parents are still alive, but my mother sees her grandkids more often. My father likes kids, he's just super busy and doesn't have time to travel that much. He's playful when he sees his grandkids and pretty affectionate. Not very warm, but affectionate. Does that make sense? In other words, not all hugs and cuddles, but more playful and attentive. My mother is warm and cuddly with them, but does like her space. I'm happy about how things are. My mother wasn't very good with me as a mother. Not as attentive. Not a good listener. And a bit more strict on things that she didn't need to be strict. She also showed favoritism towards my brother and admitted it to me when asked. Kind of sucked for me, but she's gotten a lot better.

    She doesn't show favoritism with my boys or my brother's three kids. She does compare our parenting skills sometimes but not much comparing between the kids (my brother's and mine) which is great! Of course, they are all boys and she favors boys. However, she's very snugly with my step-brother's oldest daughter who loves her tons!! My DH's parents passed away in 2002, but his Aunt and Uncle are very close to him and have taken the role of grandparents. They are both very warm and snugly with the boys.

    I consider myself very lucky to have a family that respects our parenting abilities and are very close with our boys. DH and I are among the first to have kids in his family, but we are among the last on my mother's side. That may have somethign to do with it...I dunno.

    I have seen and heard some difficult stories about families that are very hard on each other. It's not fair. I'm so sorry for those that do have tough parents and in-laws. You raise your kids as you see fit, that's why you are their mom.
  5. sruth

    sruth Well-Known Member

    The relationship your little ones have with their grandmother sounds like the one I had with mine. In fact I remember a time when she asked us to call her by her first name! (She was too proud to be called a grandma). She was the same with my mother favoring the boys and required that my mother clean their rooms and be the second housewife. But to be honest it never hurt me or made me like her any less, she just wasn't like all the other grandmas. When we got older she introduced us to her world a bit but still not a hug and kiss kind of grandma.
    Today I take care of her twice a week and she is very grateful. Hopefully your expectations vs how your kids are taking it is very different.
  6. AimeeThomp

    AimeeThomp Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    I get along great with my mom as a grandma. She keeps the girls for me overnight at her house on Saturday nights. So almost every Saturday night DH and I get time alone. Sometimes she is bossy, like last weekend she corrected the way I was getting into the jacuzzi (it wasn't hot):rolleyes: but it doesn't really bother me, I just reminded her of my age and that I'm perfectly capable of entering a jaccuzi without hurting myself. If I ever need a sitter she is the first one I call, although she works full time so I can't really ask her during the week. Other than that, my parents pretty much mind their own business. They don't give me unsolicited advice and don't come over without asking first. When the girls were born she took 3 weeks off work to stay with me, and helped us tremendously. She helped with the night feedings, cleaned my house every day, and even did our laundry. I don't know what I would have done those first few weeks without her, and I'm sure she'll take time off again to help me when this baby is born. The only drawback to her being here is I have to limit my time online.

    If this were a thread about ILs I'd have a different story. They don't have a lot of interest in my kids. But they do come and help us if we ask.
  7. suzrod

    suzrod Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you're going through this with your mom. It must be difficult. My advice is this: you have a right to say something to her about how you feel and if you do so, I would just try to be as gentle as possible. The catch is, she may get defensive and then you might not even see her twice a year afterwards. Your other option is to not say anything and just try to accept the way she is. When she makes comments about your relationship with your husband, try to think of something funny to say. Eventually she will get the hint and it might not be fun any more for her to see you squirm when she's disrespectful to you in your own home. Does that make sense? I hope so! Hang in there. :)
  8. ddancerd1

    ddancerd1 Well-Known Member

    my mom lived her entire life just to become a grandmother. same with my dad becoming a grandfather. they are so happy and overjoyed to have the twins (their only grandkids right now). my dad plays with them, shows them how to do handstands, cartwheel, backbends, etc... my mom is great with them, and is great with disciplining them if i'm not there (IL's let them do whatever/eat whatever they want)


    BIG. HOWEVER....

    my parents were very very strict with us (it's just my older bro and me), and favored my brother, "why can't you ahve a clean room like your brother?" "why can't you get good grades like your brother?" all that. she never once said "i'm proud of you" to me. not after a dance recital, not after straight A's, not after a band concert, never. :( she actually was very negative towards me growing up. but now she tells my girls "i'm proud of you" 50 times a day, and it makes me cringe every single time. not that i don't want her teling them that necessarily (dh and i tell them all the time, i want to make sure they hear it, cuz i never did), but i feel like she's saying it CONSTANTLY just to stick it to me. every time. it just kills me.
  9. gina_leigh

    gina_leigh Well-Known Member

    My mom was, in my slightly biased opinion, the greatest mom to ever be. My family is a tight knit group with the same quirky sense of humor and love for each other. She so looked forward to being a grandma. (She started buying baby things when we started trying to get pregnant. It ended up taking us 4 years and an IVF cycle to do it. But she was so excited.)

    Unfortunately, right around the time I got pregnant, my mom was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's. She was 54. Here we are almost 4 years after the diagnosis and she's progressed very rapidly despite her treatments. She's not capable of being the grandma she always wanted to be.
    She's never babysat. She's not able to.

    It kills me every time I think about it. I usually cry after I've taken the kids to see my parents. It just makes me so sad. Last weekend I asked her to hold J's hand while we were walking through the parking lot of a restaurant. She forgot and just let go of him. Thankfully he knows to stay right by the car, so nothing happened. But it's just an example.

    My dad is great with them. They going to see him! He is pretty affectionate with them. But he does spoil them a little too. J does like to sit in my mom's lap. She's affectionate with them in that sense. (Hugs and kisses)

    I'm sorry your mom isn't more of the grandma you thought. The favoritism would piss me off royally.
    1 person likes this.
  10. ckreh

    ckreh Well-Known Member

    That is my MIL. She tells everyone she is here constantly, but in reality it is more like 1 or 2 times a month and she expects us to cater to her when she visits. My mom visits at least 3 times a week, changes diapers, feeds the kids, and tells us to go out or take a nap. It can be very frustrating, but I figure it is my MIL that is missing out. Unfortunately it bothers DH that his mom acts this way and he calls her a "poser" grandma (always trying to portray something she is not).
  11. becasquared

    becasquared Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    My MIL died last year and I miss her every day. :cry:

    My mom is mentally ill and comes up to visit us occasionally. I trust her to take care of the kids if they're sleeping, but nothing more than that. (I will admit, it was kind of fun being raised by a Crazy, but at the same time I would have liked some normalcy, which is what I got with my MIL.)

    My dad and my FIL are both self-employed and cannot come to visit us, so we're not able to see them regularly which breaks my heart because both of them are stellar people and I feel that we took the kids from them when we moved.

    I miss my MIL and I will treasure the pictures of my kids with her as I treasure the time I got to spend with her.

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