Boyfriends Twin Annoying Brother

Discussion in 'General' started by bettyboopfan, Mar 4, 2009.

  1. Oneplus2more

    Oneplus2more Well-Known Member

    QUOTE(bettyboopfan @ Mar 9 2009, 10:12 AM) [snapback]1219997[/snapback]
    Thats the same thing I was telling myself. If his own wife couldn't win against the twin, who am I? but you would think he would wake up and see that his twin is destroying all of his romantic relationships and he can't keep allowing this to happen if he wants a woman.



    I'm glad you see my point, after I posted I was worried that it might offend you - like you weren't worthy or something (especially in the middle of a painful breakup and that certainly wasn't my intent). This is the BFs issue though and if it broke up his marriage I think it will be the same with any woman. It still sucks for you though - sorry!!

    QUOTE(bettyboopfan @ Mar 9 2009, 10:12 AM) [snapback]1219997[/snapback]
    Thats the same thing I was telling myself. If his own wife couldn't win against the twin, who am I? but you would think he would wake up and see that his twin is destroying all of his romantic relationships and he can't keep allowing this to happen if he wants a woman.



    I'm glad you see my point, after I posted I was worried that it might offend you - like you weren't worthy or something (especially in the middle of a painful breakup and that certainly wasn't my intent). This is the BFs issue though and if it broke up his marriage I think it will be the same with any woman. It still sucks for you though - sorry!!
     
  2. bettyboopfan

    bettyboopfan Member

    QUOTE(ThreeLittleSnowflakes @ Mar 9 2009, 10:32 AM) [snapback]1220028[/snapback]
    I'm glad you see my point, after I posted I was worried that it might offend you - like you weren't worthy or something (especially in the middle of a painful breakup and that certainly wasn't my intent). This is the BFs issue though and if it broke up his marriage I think it will be the same with any woman. It still sucks for you though - sorry!!
    I'm glad you see my point, after I posted I was worried that it might offend you - like you weren't worthy or something (especially in the middle of a painful breakup and that certainly wasn't my intent). This is the BFs issue though and if it broke up his marriage I think it will be the same with any woman. It still sucks for you though - sorry!!

    nah...your comment was in no way was offensive. my skin isn't that thin! LOL

    i feel im a great catch and I have myself together. but the bond that those two have is extra ordinary. the day my bf broke up with me i told him that i wasn't going to take it personal b/c any woman he tries to date will have the same problem. Esp if his twin thinks he won at getting rid of another one of his SO's. This cycle won't end unless my bf gets a backbone and puts the brother in his place.
     
  3. Twinrific

    Twinrific Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    In this situation I would also say you are better off out of the relationship than being in it! I don't like saying whether other people are "normal" or not (because for each person something else works) but I certainly can't see why they still feel the need to sleep together after so many years?!? I definitely don't feel the need to bunk with Gerda :p This situation is different to me than the ones we have commented on previously. I don't think Adrian and Richard were condoning their behaviour, they were just saying that the brother can and will comment on it if he wants to. I also think they are irritated with all the posts we get here about girlfriends complaining about "the evil twin trying to break us up" because in most cases that is NOT the case. All twins aren't out to destroy their sister/brother's relationships...

    Bettyboopfan I do agree with the others that you are better off without this man in your life though! I hope you can move on and find someone who can adore you and have time for you. Good luck!

    It also sounds to me that this person doesn't really have space for another person in his life or he doesn't really want to make that space. This is how they chose to live but that certainly doesn't mean all twins live this way or want to live this way!! I hate it when people take instances like this to comment about fears of their own twins becoming disfunctional. Very few twins will react like this. Most twins enjoy their individualism. Gerda and I am also both in very loving and well-functioning relationships and we're close, just because you're a twin and you're close doesn't mean you'll turn into a monster as soon as your twin starts dating! So being a twin doesn't make you automatically incapable of being in a relationship or accepting your twin's relationship.

    (Sorry I know I'm going a bit OT.) But for those interested, maybe read the other thread in here about twins and relationships (again that was a different situation than this but we discussed relationships among twins quite extensively in there) Post 36 on this page I posted an explanation which I think is worth reading (if you want an example of how a twin views their twins relationships) We're really not dysfunctional clingy monsters trying to keep our twins all to ourselves, really ;)
     
  4. Anne-J

    Anne-J Well-Known Member

    QUOTE
    Esp if his twin thinks he won at getting rid of another one of his SO's. This cycle won't end unless my bf gets a backbone and puts the brother in his place.


    I agree. And, I hope he does wake up and realize that this relationship he has with his brother is not very healthy.

    Good luck to you.. I hope a great guy comes your way who finds your bed with you in it irresistible. :D

    ETA:Because you deserve nothing less. :)
     
  5. bettyboopfan

    bettyboopfan Member

    QUOTE(Twinrific @ Mar 9 2009, 11:26 AM) [snapback]1220123[/snapback]
    In this situation I would also say you are better off out of the relationship than being in it! I don't like saying whether other people are "normal" or not (because for each person something else works) but I certainly can't see why they still feel the need to sleep together after so many years?!? I definitely don't feel the need to bunk with Gerda :p This situation is different to me than the ones we have commented on previously. I don't think Adrian and Richard were condoning their behaviour, they were just saying that the brother can and will comment on it if he wants to. I also think they are irritated with all the posts we get here about girlfriends complaining about "the evil twin trying to break us up" because in most cases that is NOT the case. All twins aren't out to destroy their sister/brother's relationships...

    Bettyboopfan I do agree with the others that you are better off without this man in your life though! I hope you can move on and find someone who can adore you and have time for you. Good luck!

    It also sounds to me that this person doesn't really have space for another person in his life or he doesn't really want to make that space. This is how they chose to live but that certainly doesn't mean all twins live this way or want to live this way!! I hate it when people take instances like this to comment about fears of their own twins becoming disfunctional. Very few twins will react like this. Most twins enjoy their individualism. Gerda and I am also both in very loving and well-functioning relationships and we're close, just because you're a twin and you're close doesn't mean you'll turn into a monster as soon as your twin starts dating! So being a twin doesn't make you automatically incapable of being in a relationship or accepting your twin's relationship.

    (Sorry I know I'm going a bit OT.) But for those interested, maybe read the other thread in here about twins and relationships (again that was a different situation than this but we discussed relationships among twins quite extensively in there) Post 36 on this page I posted an explanation which I think is worth reading (if you want an example of how a twin views their twins relationships) We're really not dysfunctional clingy monsters trying to keep our twins all to ourselves, really ;)



    thanks for your kind words. i do intend to move on but will keep an open mind in case we get back together. in time, maybe my ex will see the light and get a clue. LOL

    i personally don't think all twins are dysfunctional like this. I actually think being a twin is special. i would love to have my twins one day. its only creepy when you have grown men still behaving like infants...in this particular situation.
     
  6. bettyboopfan

    bettyboopfan Member

    QUOTE(Anne-J @ Mar 9 2009, 11:31 AM) [snapback]1220132[/snapback]
    I agree. And, I hope he does wake up and realize that this relationship he has with his brother is not very healthy.

    Good luck to you.. I hope a great guy comes your way who finds your bed with you in it irresistible. :D

    ETA:Because you deserve nothing less. :)



    :D

    thanks. that def. put a smile on my face.

    i believe deep down he knows this isn't healthy. but he doesnt know how to get out of it. his twin is the more aggressive one.
    he's more laid back. anyway, maybe one day he'll have the courage to tell his brother beat it.

    one night when we were on the phone, he kept talking to me in codes...so i asked him if his brother was next to him. he said "umm hmmm" LOL i could tell he was displeased so i said to him, u need your own room! he said "soon".

    so lets see. everthing happens for a reason and maybe our break up will help to do what he needs to do.
     
  7. TwinPeshi

    TwinPeshi Well-Known Member

    QUOTE
    its extremely selfish not to mention jealous. if he truly loved my bf, he would want him to be happy instead of being afraid that his twin could end up getting married and leaving him all alone. Its obvious he doesn't want my bf to move forward in life. Maybe if he got a job so my bf wouldn't have to support him, he wouldn't be so dependant on him.


    QUOTE
    you don't want to be married and thats the same thing i think is going on with the twin. he doesn't want to be married (he never was and has no kids) and wants my bf to be the same way. unmarried so they can sleep in the same bed together for ever.


    Those statements contradict each other. If we assume that his brother doesn't want to get married (his twin, not your boyfriend) then he can hardly be jealous of you having a relationship with his brother seeing as how he doesn't want one to begin with.

    QUOTE
    and the twin was NOT just complaining about the phone calls. he would also complain when my bf would come spend the weekend at my house. which wasnt that often after he returned from out of state.


    He has the right to do that. I don't understand why his comments/complaints bother you so much? If your boyfriend wanted the comments to stop, I can assure you he could make them stop. It doesn't seem to bother him enough for him to do that so it shouldn't bother you either.

    QUOTE
    Thanks Kendra. at first i wasn't sure if i should deal with it since they're twins and I should just learn to accept their weird behavior. But after reading the comments by you and some of the other posters, there is not doubt in my mind that this situation is just nuts!


    :BDH: What is normal for one person may not be normal for somebody else. The tendency for some people to insist on categorising people and their behaviour on some scale of normalcy based on their own experiences is beyond limiting. I'm sure there are a lot of things you do that I have never heard of somebody doing but I would never make the leap to calling you crazy because of it.

    As Brenda said, I certainly don't condone their behaviour but you need to realise three things:

    1) That something may be perfectly normal for them. If they've been doing it for 44 years, it obviously can't be that much of an issue (for them that is).
    2) That they have the right and ability to comment on each other's lives if they wish. How they behave when they are alone should certainly be none of your concern.
    3) That you are the additional element here. You shouldn't expect your boyfriend or his twin brother to change for you. If your boyfriend chooses to do what he should have done a long time ago then congratulations to your boyfriend but I certainly wouldn't expect it in your position.
     
  8. TwinPeshi

    TwinPeshi Well-Known Member

    QUOTE
    i believe deep down he knows this isn't healthy


    Please provide peer reviewed research showing that this behaviour is not healthy. Again, it takes a leap of logic to go from "I would never do that" (which is a perfectly acceptable response) to "they must be crazy" to "That isn't healthy."
     
  9. bettyboopfan

    bettyboopfan Member

    QUOTE(TwinPeshi @ Mar 9 2009, 05:08 PM) [snapback]1220853[/snapback]
    Those statements contradict each other. If we assume that his brother doesn't want to get married (his twin, not your boyfriend) then he can hardly be jealous of you having a relationship with his brother seeing as how he doesn't want one to begin with.

    [SIZE=12pt]In your attempt stick up for the twin, you are clearly missing the point. Or you are simply not taking the time to read whats being said and comment objectively.

    A 44 year old unemployed man still sleeps in the same bed with his twin every night. Obviously he enjoys this for WHATEVER reason. He even complains when his twin talks with a woman on the phone at night, cause it "disturbs" him. Obviously he wants the conversations to stop, otherwise, why complain????? He also complains when his twin visits his girlfriend on the weekends. Now....if his twin were to get married, then guess what happens?....no more co-bedding for the twin. no more spending AS MUCH time together, etc. Its a no-brainer that the twin wouldn't want to see his brother with a woman. The woman would in many ways, take his place. Sleeping in the same bed is just one example
    [/SIZE].


    He has the right to do that. I don't understand why his comments/complaints bother you so much? If your boyfriend wanted the comments to stop, I can assure you he could make them stop. It doesn't seem to bother him enough for him to do that so it shouldn't bother you either.

    [SIZE=12pt]I agree. I should not have let the twins "issues" become my own.[/SIZE]

    :BDH: What is normal for one person may not be normal for somebody else. The tendency for some people to insist on categorising people and their behaviour on some scale of normalcy based on their own experiences is beyond limiting. I'm sure there are a lot of things you do that I have never heard of somebody doing but I would never make the leap to calling you crazy because of it.

    As Brenda said, I certainly don't condone their behaviour but you need to realise three things:

    1) That something may be perfectly normal for them. If they've been doing it for 44 years, it obviously can't be that much of an issue (for them that is).
    2) That they have the right and ability to comment on each other's lives if they wish. How they behave when they are alone should certainly be none of your concern.
    3) That you are the additional element here. You shouldn't expect your boyfriend or his twin brother to change for you. If your boyfriend chooses to do what he should have done a long time ago then congratulations to your boyfriend but I certainly wouldn't expect it in your position.


    [SIZE=12pt]1) It doesn't appear normal because my boyfriend wakes up with an erection in the morning. I heard most men do. So just the thought to two erect men who arent lovers in a bed seems odd. :huh:

    2) Just as I have the right to comment on their lives.

    3) Point taken. As many folks have advised in this thread, its best that I move on and find a man who enjoys sharing his bed with only me
    [/SIZE].
     
  10. TwinPeshi

    TwinPeshi Well-Known Member

    QUOTE
    In your attempt stick up for the twin, you are clearly missing the point. Or you are simply not taking the time to read whats being said and comment objectively.


    I am not "sticking up" for anybody. I am disagreeing with your logic. I think it is a bit of a stretch for somebody that is clearly biased about the issue to argue against my objectivity.

    QUOTE
    A 44 year old unemployed man still sleeps in the same bed with his twin every night. Obviously he enjoys this for WHATEVER reason. He even complains when his twin talks with a woman on the phone at night, cause it "disturbs" him. Obviously he wants the conversations to stop, otherwise, why complain????? He also complains when his twin visits his girlfriend on the weekends. Now....if his twin were to get married, then guess what happens?....no more co-bedding for the twin. no more spending AS MUCH time together, etc. Its a no-brainer that the twin wouldn't want to see his brother with a woman. The woman would in many ways, take his place. Sleeping in the same bed is just one example.


    While what you see may very well be true those aren't symptoms of jealousy. He could (possibly, I don't know since I don't know him) be doing those things to push you out but that does not equate to jealousy.

    QUOTE
    1) It doesn't appear normal because my boyfriend wakes up with an erection in the morning. I heard most men do. So just the thought to two erect men who aren't lovers in a bed seems odd. huh.gif

    2) Just as I have the right to comment on their lives.

    3) Point taken. As many folks have advised in this thread, its best that I move on and find a man who enjoys sharing his bed with only me.


    1) As I've said, you are trying to dictate what is normal and what isn't by your own experiences and what you would or wouldn't do. Do I understand why they would want to sleep in the same bed as each other? No. Do I see it as abnormal or odd? No. The point I am trying to get across is that your obsession with trying to dictate what is and what is not "normal" based on your own experiences is severely limiting. You might think it is not "normal" for somebody to eat Kangaroo meat or sheep's intestines but I've done both and I know plenty of other people who have too. You might think it is not "normal" for somebody to walk 8 to 10km per day instead of taking a bus. I know plenty of people that do that too. I'm sure there are a lot of things that you do that I would never dream of doing and I think are strange. The difference is that I realise that everybody does things differently and to try to force people into your neat little boxes doesn't work.

    2) Yes you do. The question in my mind is how you would feel if somebody were to post on a public forum about your private conversations and living arrangements? It is an enormous breach of trust regardless of what you think of their behaviour. Unlike you it doesn't sound like your boyfriend's brother was discussing your private life in public (although his comments are fairly innocuous as far as I'm concerned).

    3) I agree. It seems to me that you were never comfortable with them sharing a bed in the first place so why didn't you get out of it to begin with? I'm not saying you are wrong to be uncomfortable with it, I'm just not sure why you wouldn't have found somebody else once you found out they did this?
     
  11. Kendra

    Kendra Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    I think the horse has been beated to death enough here so can we all just drop it?
     
  12. TwinRichard

    TwinRichard Well-Known Member

    I agree Kendra ;)

    Now that we have that over with... Mod Squad? :p
     
  13. TwinPeshi

    TwinPeshi Well-Known Member

    Kendra, what you need is a mod badge you can bring out when necessary :p

    Shouldn't the Mod Squad use their Mod Squad powers to lock the horse in its stable if they think it has been tortured enough? :p
     
  14. Anne-J

    Anne-J Well-Known Member

    Never mind.
     
  15. bettyboopfan

    bettyboopfan Member

    QUOTE(Kendra @ Mar 11 2009, 06:20 AM) [snapback]1222997[/snapback]
    I think the horse has been beated to death enough here so can we all just drop it?



    LOL

    i agree we should. matter of fact, this case was already closed and decided by me after reading post #25 in this thread.

    i wish my ex well and i hope that he is able somehow to find love after 40+ years with a good woman. his twin...well i hope he either comes out of the closet IF thats his story or seek professional mental help.

    it was fun chatting with you all! both here and in private. :drinks:
     
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