Do you bond the same with each twin?

Discussion in 'The Toddler Years(1-3)' started by jhegedus, Jul 18, 2012.

  1. jhegedus

    jhegedus Member

    My twin girls just turned 1 in June. When they were born it took me awhile to bond with my babies. When it did happen I bonded much faster with Abby than I did with Izzy because she was needier, and still is. As a result Izzy spends a lot more time with daddy and they now have a special connection and I have what I would consider to be a special connection to Abby. As they have aged Abby has hit her milestones first while Izzy has been a little delayed. We always celebrate each milestone for each child but I feel like by the time Izzy gets around to doing the things her sister can we don't make as much of a fuss about it because it's not really "new" anymore. I love both my girls but I still feel a stronger connection to Abby and I feel horrible about it. I've tried spending time with Izzy to make the connection stronger. These are my first children and through a lot of pondering I've decided that I love my children equally but I don't love them the same. My question is whether it is normal to feel this way or whether I need to try harder to feel the same feelings for each one? Another aspect of it is because Abby demands constant attention and Izzy is more relaxed I give Abby the bulk of my attention which makes me feel the guilt that I'm ignoring my poor other daughter. We are expecting again in January and I'm worried that one more needy baby will just make my poor little girl get forgotten. Any advice?
  2. kingeomer

    kingeomer Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    :hug: I wouldn't be so hard on yourself. I would probably switch up the kids, maybe one day Daddy spends time with Abby and you spend time with Izzy. In speaking with other parents of multiple children, I believe they described how they feel about their children the same way you have, "I love them equally but I have different love for each one.." Which makes sense to me, because each child has their own personality and way of being that creates a love that is undefinable, not sure that makes sense.
    1 person likes this.
  3. gina_leigh

    gina_leigh Well-Known Member

    I think it's normal to bond with children differently, but there's an added pressure with twins for everything to be the same. My children are very different and I interact with them differently. I think that's normal. Now I do try to do equal things for them.

    I agree with Nancy. Try switching them up to do things. Like DH stay home with Abby while you run an errand with Izzy. It's amazing what just 20 minutes of one-on-one can do!

    Try not to be so hard on yourself. And remember that this is a phase. I promise you they will switch around on you a little here and there. Their personalities are what they are- I still have one that's higher maintenance and one much more laid back. But in the course of the next few years they will each go through phases where one is needier or more of a challenge than the other.
  4. jhegedus

    jhegedus Member

    I do try and spend special time with each of my girls and we are pretty conscious about making sure they get "turns" going places if I ever leave with just one. I'm sure it's just the twin guilt mixed in with the mommy guilt. I'm sure when I have the new one I'll feel guilty that they don't get as much attention as the twins :) One of the perks of the job they don't tell you about. LOL

    Thanks for all the support everyone. Hormones and late nights don't mix :)
  5. Mom2VLS

    Mom2VLS Well-Known Member

    My twins aren't this age yet but I do have an older daughter as well. I can tell you that I have bonded with each child (not just the twins) in a different way. Some of the best advice that I read on this topic is that equal and fair are not always the same thing and sometimes it's better to do what's fair than what's equal.
  6. Meximeli

    Meximeli Well-Known Member

    Would you ask a mother of two singletons if she has the same bond with each of them? I agree with Gina, there is two much pressure for everything to be the same with twins, but at the same time there is pressure for parents to encourage them to be individuals!
  7. jhegedus

    jhegedus Member

    I'm not concerned necessarilty that I don't love them the same because they are different and even though I don't love them the same I do love them equally. I am glad to hear that it is normal to have a different bond with each child. That makes me feel not so guilty. I asked my DH how he felt last night and he said he felt the same, that he loved both the girls but had different bonds with each child.
  8. Heathermomof5

    Heathermomof5 Well-Known Member

    I have different bonds with all 6 of my kids. I love them all equally, but differently too. I use to feel bad when it came to my twins because Ava is very, very high maintenance and Addison is very, very laid back. I always felt that Addison got the short end of the stick in nearly every situation where both girls were involved. She just does not require a ton of attention and she is a super cool kid to be around because of it. I had always felt that my bond with Ava was stronger because I felt as though she needed me more but the older they get the more I see that the bonds are just as strong just in very different ways. Just as with my other 4 kids. Adding another baby really didnt make my laid back girl get forgotten,it actually made her shine - she is like Easton's second mommy - she tries to do everything for him. BUT what another baby did do was make my high mainenance girl have to be a little more self reliant - she does not want to be compared to a baby so she tries a bit harder to be a big girl!
    1 person likes this.
  9. Kristin-Myers

    Kristin-Myers New Member

    Bonding with twins is tougher than what many people would imagine. Continue to be aware of the dynamics present in your house. Remind yourself that even when Abby wants it to be about her, try to resist obliging all the time even if she is adorable. Make it a point to spend quiet time with Izzy. The connection is there, but Izzy just demonstrates it in a quieter fashion. I have the same dynamic with my identical twins who are now eight. Eventually it all evens out. You will love them both infinitely but differently. That's okay. This also applies to the singleton that's about to enter into the equation. Appreciate all your children for their differences, for they will become your favorite things about each one of them. Good luck!
    1 person likes this.
  10. Dielle

    Dielle Well-Known Member

    I have 6 kids and I love them all the same and all differently at the same time. I don't love one more than any other. But some days I like one better than I like another. And it's gone through phases where I really struggled with a particular child for awhile and then got through that (when Adam was 4-5, I really struggled to not lose my cool with him a lot of the time... now he's an absolute joy most of the time). I think lots of things feel like they should be exactly even for twins, so that makes the difference more pronounced. And I can relate to your post in some ways because Sabrina was my needy one. She was much smaller at birth, didn't gain weight, she's legally blind. And then on top of all that, she's a much different personality than Sydney. Sabrina seems younger than Sydney. Physically, it's like she's about a year and a half younger... even her dentist said that about their teeth. They're 7 and she only has 2 of her 6 year molars. Sydney had all of them over a year ago. Sydney is 4 inches, 4 shoe sizes and almost 30 lbs bigger. And she's a spitfire! Sabrina is one that will climb up and snuggle into you, when Sydney is more likely to be caught at that moment doing exactly the opposite of something you'd told her. It's easy to be hard on Sydney and let Sabrina slide, even if they're in trouble for the same thing. I have to force myself to discipline them the same. I don't remember feeling this at 1, but I would say that by 2 yo it was definitely true. So this last year I have made a conscious effort to strengthen my relationship with Sydney. We went on a Mommy-Sydney date, I ask her to come snuggle on my lap, I've prayed about it a lot. And little by little, it's working. I don't know that I'd say I love her more, but I like her a lot more and am frustrated with her a lot less.

    I know my girls are older than yours, but I thought I'd share my experience.
    1 person likes this.
Similar Threads Forum Date
Bonding with twins Pregnancy Help Feb 24, 2014
Twin bond The Toddler Years(1-3) Aug 31, 2013
twin bonds The First Year Oct 9, 2010
"twin bond" starting? or is it too soon for that? The Toddler Years(1-3) May 1, 2010
Bonding Issues The First Year Mar 7, 2010

Share This Page