How do you respond to parents who tell YOUR

Discussion in 'General' started by Gordana, Dec 17, 2009.

  1. Gordana

    Gordana Well-Known Member

    I have run into this on a few occasions and it makes me livid. Alexander is very friendly. He will approach other kids and touch them on the head or on the arm and say "Hi". Well some extremely uptight parents (usually mothers) will tell him "Don't touch him / her". And this really angers me because he is my child and I will tell him not to touch your kid. (I am actually teaching him just to say Hi and not touch a kid.) Furthermore, my child is not pushing yours or hitting them, so why the need to tell my son not to touch your kid? I also think if you are that afraid of germs then don't take your child out where other children are going to be. I glare at these mothers and give them very dirty looks. I would never in a million years tell a child "Don't touch my child" or whatever. My kids get pushed around at the drop in center or the playground and I don't tell those kids off. Kids are going to be kids and some parents still don't get that.
  2. TwinLove

    TwinLove Well-Known Member


    I don't know what I would do, honestly. Most likely never hang out with that mother. :pardon: I could understand if there was hitting involved, then I don't mind (usually and if said nicely) if someone tells my child to not do that but just for a friendly touch? I would be angry and would avoid them in the future. If it was someone I had to see, I'd approach them (not in front of the kids) and ask why my child couldn't touch theirs. That seems odd to me... they are kids?!

    2 people like this.
  3. kingeomer

    kingeomer Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    I don't know what I would do as well. I can't see being bothered by another kid touching mine as along as there was hitting, biting, or pushing involved.
    I would probably only get involved if there was bullying type behavior involved.
    1 person likes this.
  4. PJ

    PJ Well-Known Member

    I would probably be one of those mothers that told your kid not to touch my kids. It's not about germs but my kids don't like strangers in their personal spaces and they are very shy, so they would probably start crying if your kid was coming up to them and touching their head - even if he was doing it in a nice way. I would say it in a nice way but I would probably tell him "hey buddy - my kids are a bit shy - maybe you could just back up a bit and say hi". Just because your kid is OK with being in their personal space mine are just not OK with it. I think if most things are done in a nice way it's not as bad. As for giving other parents dirty looks for sticking up for their kids - I think thats just as bad unless it was done rudely. We as parents are here to protect our children - the people that are telling your kid to not touch are just protecting theirs....
    4 people like this.
  5. dtomecko

    dtomecko Well-Known Member

    I just went through this, but on the opposite end. I do have an issue with germs, but I don't see anything wrong with what your son is doing, as long as he isn't seriously sick at the time. We were just at a party where several children (from a very affectionate family, who are usually sick) kept running up and kissing my kids on the mouth. I wanted so bad to tell them to stop, but restrained myself because the mother didn't say anything, and I figured if they had just been or were sick, she would have said something. WRONG. Her kids were sick, and now mine are too.
  6. Anne-J

    Anne-J Well-Known Member

    I for one LOVE friendly kids, and always have!

    Even when my kids were babies. And, I prefer to take the less rude route with kids in general (if I feel they shouldn't be doing something) rather than being all bossy and saying "Don't touch my son!." I've led rough kids away from my babies, redirected the kissy ones dripping snot, offered candy if that's what they were grabbing at from my child etc. If a kid is being really destructive and hitting out, and their parent is not close by, the most I have done is use a firm tone, and moved them away as calmly as possible.

    Kids are kids... and other kids are no different from mine, so I deal accordingly. I do take issue with the overly sensitive mothers who use a harsh tone with my children, and/or touch them when doing so. I'm not very nice then ;)
    3 people like this.
  7. mom23sweetgirlies

    mom23sweetgirlies Well-Known Member

    I usually don't have a problem with another parent telling my child not to do something as long as it is done in a nice way. I do have a problem with my child if they don't listen when they are told to do something even it is by another parent. I have had to tell kids to stop doing something on several occasions and although I usually am as nice as possible if they don't listen after the first couple times I will be a little more stern, if that makes their parents mad than they should be paying attention to their child. As an example, I went out to eat a few weeks ago with our Brownie troop two of the girls were sitting across from me and next to their mothers who were having a conversation. Both girls started hitting their forks with their knives making the forks fly up and just being obnoxious so I told them nicely that wasn't the way we behave in a public place, after they didn't stop I told them in a stern voice to stop right now or you will need to be separated. Their parents would have done the same but they were too caught up in their conversation to notice.
  8. traceyru

    traceyru Well-Known Member

    i would probably be one of the mothers that said please don't touch my child & you would probably have gotten the same dirty look back or maybe even a word or two.. My kids are very aggresive & we are working on that so if a child wants to get pushed, hit, scratched or kicked stay in your own personnel space. My boys are having a hard time with aggresion right now & they are slowly understand that it is not good & they will geta time away or somethng even worse..there teachers are helping in this also..
  9. Oneplus2more

    Oneplus2more Well-Known Member

    So was the other child bothered by it or just the mother? If the child was clearly upset and your son wasn't stopping and you weren't intervening then the other mother needed to - but yes, she could and should use a kind tone with a young child even if she wanted him to stop. You could also apologize and use that as a teaching moment for your son instead of glaring at them and give them very dirty looks. Sounds like this is a reoccuring issue - maybe the mother didn't know that you would tell your son not to touch hers since you hadn't already? I agree that kids are going to touch other kids when they're out places and that is just the way it is, but I'm wondering if these mothers really tell all kids everywhere to stop touching their kids in a rude way or if your son is getting strong reactions for some reason?

    If her child wasn't bothered by it maybe she is uptight about the 24/7 coverage of H1N1 or having flashbacks to his last illness and maybe she should relax a little but keeping her kid at home for 6 months isn't the answer either.
    1 person likes this.
  10. twin_trip_mommy

    twin_trip_mommy Well-Known Member

    I'm with the others who would give the dirty look back if all I did was ask your child nicely to not touch my child. I don't think asking a child not to touch is "telling a child off" now if someone told my child or I said to someone else's child "hay keep your grubby hands off my sons head or else" i would consider that a "telling off" or aggressive action.
    My children are quite shy and it is enough for my children to just play in the same area at a playground with other children. If someone elses child got into my child personal space and touched them and the other mother did not say anything i would consider that rude and have to speak up to help my child feel comfortable. Just because your child is fine with people pushing them around does not mean that other people have to be find with that also. And just because my children are shy and don't want to be touched it does not mean that my children should not play at the play space (have to stay home. I hope you can see this for my point of view and you don't consider what I'm saying to be rude. I can respect your child's openness and affectionate personality, I would be happy if my children could be the same way sometimes but they are not and I hope you can learn to respect the shy persons personality.
    2 people like this.
  11. twin_trip_mommy

    twin_trip_mommy Well-Known Member

    oh and I forgot to answer your title question

    How do you respond to parents who tell YOUR kids "Don't do that", etc Not that it has happened very often but I would respond with "I'm sorry s/he is very affectionate/likes to touch." then I would tell my child (not ask) to move away and respect the other persons personal space.
    2 people like this.
  12. busymomof3

    busymomof3 Well-Known Member

    I don't know what I would do but I don't think that it is that bad. I think if people are going to comment of kids not touching theirs then they should be respectful about it. I don't think that it is right to say that people should stay home if they don't want their kids to come in contact with others because you can take your kids out and still limit germs. I wouldn't take it so personal some people are just over protective with their children.
  13. Slackwater

    Slackwater Well-Known Member

    I would probably nicely ask the "touchy" child to please leave my child alone - none of my children particularly appreciate being touched by strange people, and a meltdown is a very possible outcome that I'd be trying to avoid. I understand that some children are just more affectionate than others, but, as an adult, I would not appreciate it if a strange person came up to me and started touching me - so I do believe it is the responsibility of the parent of the "touchy" child to step in and intervene to teach their child appropriate social mannerisms (for our society). I would NEVER be rude to said "touchy" child, and I emphasize that I would kindly ask that child to leave mine alone - but I would not overlook the actions, either. My child would be uncomfortable and I would have to step in. I would ask that the parent of the "touchy" child respect my parenting style and my child's quirks just as they would be asking me to accept the same about them & their child.
  14. sullivanre

    sullivanre Well-Known Member

    LOL! We're now treading into protective and over protective Mommy territory. Anybody want to bet on how many pages this is going to end up being? :laughing:
    1 person likes this.
  15. LLA

    LLA Well-Known Member

    I can see both sides of this...There are a couple kids that we know (not too well) that like to hug my boys when they see them. My boys (especially 1) do not like to be hugged (more like attached) when walking past these kids. I do not normally say anything, but I really wish the mothers would say something. You can clearly tell that my boys do not like it. One of my boys is affectionate and likes to hug, but does not like to be attached hugged. Plus both of the kids that do this tend to be sick a lot, and that gets under my skin.

    I guess I respond to the other parents by telling my child that "so and so does not like to be hugged all of the time. Next time let's just say hi."
  16. SKTwinMom

    SKTwinMom Well-Known Member

    I actually fought with a woman about this when my girls were babies. I had them in the stroller, they were about 4 months old and a little boy who was maybe 4 reached in to touch them and I blocked him with my hands looked him in the eye and said firmly "do not touch the babies." Then he started to cry and the mother, who had seen all this happen, starts screaming at me telling me he wasn't going to hurt them and how dare I yell at her son, etc.

    Now, I will admit I'm a bit of a weirdo, I am not friendly at all in public, I never have been. I've never let people touch my kids, It's not a germ thing, I just don't like it. I even removed them from a daycare program because of an overly touchy/huggy aid.

    So I think you need to make your son keep his hands to himself, even if that requires you holding his hand around children you don't know, because once the hand touches the other kid then his mother has the right to say something.
    1 person likes this.
  17. 4lilmonkeys

    4lilmonkeys Well-Known Member


    Moving on...

    To the OP:
    I admit, I would probably be a little taken aback by someone saying that to my kids, but really I can understand why some parents feel that way, especially during cold/flu season. There's certainly no reason for dirty looks or hurt feelings, unless someone is being mean about it. I cringe a little bit when other kids touch the boys (especially if they clearly have a runny nose) but then I remember that they're kids. I can't hover over them every second and I honestly believe it's good for them. Having three toddlers who are all over each other (and trade cups, toys and snacks) night and day has taught me that you can't prevent kids from touching each other or icky playground equipment. :lol: Hugging, touching and learning about other people and the surrounding environment is part of being a kid. Jeez, people need to lighten up, seriously.
    3 people like this.
  18. allgood2000

    allgood2000 Well-Known Member

    I tend to be pretty laid back and I'm not a germaphobe, so I don't mind if another child touches my children AS LONG AS MY CHILDREN DON'T MIND. The only time I would get upset is if the 'toucher' was being overly aggressive or if the child they were touching was an infant - because of the germ factor and the fact that infants can't speak up for themselves. In the store yesterday there was a little girl admiring my baby. I didn't mind at all - she was very sweet! However, as we were leaving she asked if she could kiss the baby. I told her no, but tried to do so with a smile. :FIFblush: I actually thought it was pretty impressive that she asked - she couldn't have been older than 3!

    My boys have never minded physical contact and have been happy to interact with anyone, but my Audrey (6 months) is a different story. She does not like strangers AT ALL. It takes her awhile to warm up to people and if that personality trait continues, I will probably be more protective of strangers, adults and children alike, making her uncomfortable.
  19. sharongl

    sharongl Well-Known Member

    I am also one of those that has no problems talking to kids that are misbehaving, or even in others personal space. Even at 7, I constantly have discussions with one of my boys about personal space and staying out of others' space. In fact, he probably would respond better to another adult telling him to stay away than he does to me at times! As a teacher, I am used to keeping an eye on the entire group, and will not hesitate to speak with a child who is being unsafe or bothering another child.
  20. summerfun

    summerfun Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    There are times I have asked other children not to touch my kids. :pardon: I have always said it very nicely, but honestly I would rather not have a child who I don't know touching my children. And for me, like someone else said, it's all about the germs.

    If my child touched another child and was told by the parent nicely to not touch them, I would not have a problem with it. There are plenty of time I have nicely told another child not to do something (touch, hit etc.) something to my child. :pardon: I am watching out for my child/ren.

    ETA: I don't mind if someone we know touches my child like you said your DS does.
  21. sv2001302

    sv2001302 Well-Known Member

    Agree with this completely and i have a child that is immunedeficient. I understand children are curious and i myself have to constantly remind my children not to touch other children especially babies, but the minute another child gets a little too touchy feely for my comfort or theirs you bet i'm going to say something in a gentle way.
  22. Stacy A.

    Stacy A. Well-Known Member

    In general, as long as the person does it in a kind way, I don't mind others correcting my child. I try to keep an eye on them, but I'm not Super Woman. Someone else may see something that I don't. And if my kids are doing something wrong or making someone else uncomfortable, I want them corrected, so I'm thankful for others stepping in. I try to teach my kids to respect all their elders, not just me. There will be plenty of authority figures they will encounter throughout their lives and they need to learn to respect them and obey them in appropriate conditions.

    Plus, in the example given, I wouldn't necessarily think anything of my kids gently touching another kid, but someone else might. My comfort level is different. So, it would be up to the other parent to speak up and let my kid or me know they are uncomfortable with the situation. How else could we know? Should the mom and kid just have suffered through the touching without speaking up?
    3 people like this.
  23. Brizzy_Twins

    Brizzy_Twins Well-Known Member

    I agree. It seems old to me.. whats wrong with people. Kids will be kids.. The world is getting worse in my opinion. Just my quick 2 cents worth :)
  24. Heathermomof5

    Heathermomof5 Well-Known Member

    If a parent tells my kid no and I do not think they deserve it, I would respond by saying "ummm, excuse me? he was not hurting a thing" I am VERY defensive.

    When my babies were newborn, I HATED for anyone to touch them so I probably would have said in a nice way "oh! let's don't touch the babies, you can look, but please don't touch!" I would have been very, very nice to the child and would have told the adult that I was sorry but that my middle son almost died of RSV at 20 days old. Now days, if your son came up to my girls and touched them I would think it was sweet - and I figure that if they did not want to be touched they would move away. I would let the kids figure out what to do and would not get involved unless there was a problem.
  25. Gordana

    Gordana Well-Known Member

    I don't think so. Your problem like you said is that you aren't friendly in public so you can deal with that issue, it's not my problem. The mother has absolutely no right to say anything to my child who was just being friendly.

    Maybe you should chill out.
  26. MLH

    MLH Well-Known Member

    As long as they were doing it in a nice way, I wouldn't have a problem with it. If my kid kept it up, I'd do some redirection or a nice teaching moment. There have been occasions where I've needed to nicely let a young one know not to touch or on the rare occasion I need to step in when there is some bullying or pushing happening (that's when I have a hard time being "nice" b/c Mama Bear comes out). On a side note, I DO have issue with other parents telling my kids how to behave with me. I was at the bus stop with my 6 yr. old and my twins last year (they were 3 at the time). She'd tell them they needed to start walking to the bus stop b/c they were old enough. The bus stop is a good 10 min. walk for an adult and when you need to get there in the morning, I don't have time for chasing them around or them daudling. The other thing she would always say is "you need to say please when talking to your Mom". For instance, one of them wanted wanted to go look at one of the trees about 3 ft. away and asked "Mama can I go look at the tree?" She said "Abigail, you need to use please. Now say that again." I was floored! In that instance I was not caring if she said please or not, so why on earth would she care or even thing it appropriate to correct her like that? Ok, side vent done.
  27. TwinLove

    TwinLove Well-Known Member

    All the ladies that said it's due to germs, do they not touch anything in that room? Or breathe? :pardon: And if the child doesn't like someone in their personal space, can't they back up/away? (Not talking about infants here)

    My son doesn't like to be hugged by kids at school and he's got a hugger in his class, but he backs up and says "No Thank You". From reading some of the responses in here, the parent doesn't want anyone in their childs personal space. :pardon:
    3 people like this.
  28. sullivanre

    sullivanre Well-Known Member

    This is very well said Gini!

    I was thinking about this thread earlier, and I just kept telling myself, is it really worth it for two grown women to have a stare down (or perhaps a glaredown :) ) over a child touching another child. :unknw: I understand hitting, a sick kid, or persistent violation of personal space being a problem, but seriously, routine touching is part of what kids do. There's no reason for parents on either end to get all huffy or cause a ruckus. Isn't this the same kind of thing that drives parents to fight each other at little league games?
  29. sullivanre

    sullivanre Well-Known Member

    :rotflmbo: Yeah, germs are everywhere. If you want to avoid all germs, I don't know how you are gonna do it.

    ETA: That's an important point. By a certain age, we should be teaching children to speak up themselves; rather than getting involved in kids' problems.
  30. Gordana

    Gordana Well-Known Member

    The only reason I gave her a dirty look is because I was right there when she forcefully took my son's hand away and said "Don't do that". I am the parent and I would have said something. She has no business talking like that to my child. I would never, ever talk to anyone's child in that tone. She was being rude to my child because he was being nice to hers. She needs to chill out.
  31. sullivanre

    sullivanre Well-Known Member

    I do think it sounds like your child didn't do anything wrong, and the person probably overreacted. But I'm also curious what you think this other parent or child should do if they don't want your child touching them? At some point or another you may not even be around when he touches a kid who doesn't want to be touched. Know what I mean?

    I actually yelled at a child once. He came up to me and my 3 or 4 month old infant, and started banging the my son on the head and me on the chest with a clothes hanger. It physically hurt, and at that point the first thing in my head was getting the kid to stop before he seriously injured the baby. I know I wasn't look around for the kid's mother to say something. The kid's mother (she may have been a grandmother)actually came up and dragged him away once she realized it was her child. There were no angry words exchanged between her and I at all, and I was really upset. Yelling was like a reflex at that point. But that is a different situation than the ones described above.
    1 person likes this.
  32. TwinLove

    TwinLove Well-Known Member

    OMG yeah, that's totally different! :hug: I would yell too but this is a situation where someone (and one being an infant) were being injured. I wouldn't expect anyone to stop and look for me if my child was doing this. :nea:
  33. sullivanre

    sullivanre Well-Known Member

    I actually posted about it a while back; the baby may have been only 2 months old. I don't quite remember. You should have seen my DH run around the corner when he heard me yelling. He was scared to death; by the time he got there the kid was gone.

    It is different, but anytime I hear people complain about others disciplining or yelling at their children, I think about this situation. At some point or another all of our kids are going to be disciplined by others, whether it's teachers, coaches, their friends' parents, or strangers that encounter bad behavior. We may not even be there to say anything to our own kids. I'm like you if my kids did something like that, please somebody intervene to stop them; don't want for my or their Dad to show up.
  34. jjzollman

    jjzollman Well-Known Member

    I don't know, I can see it both ways. I've ignored some things but I have also asked children to "please not touch him" or "please leave his hat alone", etc. when there is a child, not being properly supervised, pestering my kids. I'm not so concerned with the germ issue - germs are everywhere, that steering wheel in the grocery cart car is probably much dirtier than some strange kids' hands. However, there have been more than a few times when another child has approached one of my kids and started touching their hair, their arms, etc. and if the parent didn't speak up and my toddlers looked uncomfortable about it (kinda like, who the heck is this??), I have said, "Oh, please don't touch him, he's a little anxious around strangers." And when kids have pestered my very polite, very mellow 5 year old, constantly touching him, his hat, etc. and he has tried to speak up for himself and it isn't working, I don't hesitate to jump in and say, "He really doesn't want to be touched so much.".
    1 person likes this.
  35. hudsonfour

    hudsonfour Well-Known Member

    It would not bug me if someone said something to my child when they did something inappropriate. I am always reminding my girls to play nice, don't touch the baby, share, etc. when we are out playing at public places. Hopefully, I would be there to keep my child from doing something others might be bothered by.
    My girls are pretty shy around kids they don't know and would be put off if a child came up and touched them, but I wouldn't have a problem with the gentle touch...I would tell my girls that the child is saying hi and being friendly. If the child was hitting my kids or really bothering them, I would say something in a kind manner to let them know that the behavior is not okay.
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