One invited and the other is not

Discussion in 'Childhood and Beyond (4+)' started by **Sandy**, Aug 19, 2014.

  1. **Sandy**

    **Sandy** Well-Known Member

    My girls are 9 years old.  There is another 9 year old girl who lives two houses away from us.  The neighbor kid only really likes to play with one of my girls, and excludes the other one.  We have tried lots of different ways to deal with this, but really not come up with a good solution.  Today, she asked one of my daughters to go to the pool with her, but not the other.  My husband is home with them and he let one daughter go to the pool. My other daughter called me at work and she is sad because she was not invited.  I have mixed feelings on this.  If I had been home, I do not think I would have allowed one girl to go without the other.  But, I am not sure if that is fair either.  They are in separate classes at school and sometimes only one is invited to a birthday party and we all have no problem with that.  The one invited goes on her own.  Somehow, this situation seems different to me.  I really am not sure what I am asking, just wondering what others think of this.
  2. MNTwinSquared

    MNTwinSquared Well-Known Member

    I was always so hurt when my sister had friends and I didn't. (We are identical twins.)  Or I wanted her friends to like me and they were HER friends only.  My friends were always friendly towards her.  There was no question to that.
    It is perfectly ok for a girl down the street to connect with one of the twins but not the other.  Forcing her to accept them both is not right.  Try to do a fun activity with the one who isn't invited and explain that there will be times that she will be invited to a party but not her sister.  Try to cultivate friendships with other with her. 
    (From the other side of the boat, if I was the mom of that 9 year old girl, I'd be trying to encourage her to get to know BOTH of the girls, perhaps individually, but that is just me.  Life isn't fair.  )
    Good luck.
    4 people like this.
  3. sharongl

    sharongl Well-Known Member

    I agree with your husbands decision.  Just because they are twins, does not mean that they have to be friends with all the same kids.  The other childs' parent may have only wanted to be responsible for one extra child at the pool.  One of my boys has friends that the other does not, and that is OK.  Yes, sometimes the one who is not as popular is left out, but when he thinks about it, he realizes that he really isn't friends with the other child and didn't want to play anyway.  This summer, he actually turned down a sleepover as he felt he wasn't really good friends with the other boy.
    They are two different children, and sometimes one may be disappointed because they aren't invited along.  I would try to cultivate other friendships with kids who she does like, and encourage her to call other friends to play with.  3 is a tough number for playdates.
    1 person likes this.
  4. miss_bossy18

    miss_bossy18 Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    It's definitely not a fun situation but I would acknowledge the feelings of the twin who wasn't invited and ask her what, if anything, she would like to do about it. Maybe she'd appreciate a special activity just her and dad or maybe she'd rather just mope in her room for a bit. All totally fine and valid. The good thing that comes out of these kinds of situations is that your daughter will learn that sometimes disappointing things happen but she'll be okay on the other side. That resilience will serve her very well in life.
  5. lharrison1

    lharrison1 Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    :(  That's so tough. *hugs* 
    I agree with the others, I'd allow your one daughter to carry on with the friendship and just try and make special arrangements for when the other doesnt get invited-maybe say 'hey, since sis is at the pool with her friend lets call up your friend and go get some ice cream' or something like that. 
    My kids are not the same age and my twins are boy/girl but we still deal with this-'that's not fair!!' and I actually find myself occassionally turning down playdates because I just dont want to deal with the fallout.  LOL 
  6. summerfun

    summerfun Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    I've always taught all 3 of my kids (my twins and older singleton) that life's not fair.  Everyone will get a turn eventually and it may not always be equal or fair and that's okay.  I actually don't want to my twins (they are b/g though) to be invited both toghether just because they are twins.  I have even told this to people who sometimes invite both of them..don't feel like you have to invite them both, just invite who your child is friends with.  My twins are 8.5 years old.
    It does make for a hard situation sometimes, but I think my kids have accepted the fact that they won't be both invited everywhere because of the way I handle it as well.  And as a mother I would not want to feel like I have to invite two kids instead of one just beacuse they are twins too.
    I agree with the previous posters who said it's natural for the neighbor to be closer with one and not necessarily both of your girls.  I think it's okay to let just the one go and not the other one.  Eventually your other daughter will get invited to things too without her sister.
  7. SuzyHolland

    SuzyHolland Well-Known Member

    I agree with most of what is already said.
    kids are individuals, twins or not. They can't always do everything together.
    That goes for all siblings.
    My twin boys have nothing in common besides thier date of birth, so it's easy for me to say.
    Just 10 years when they are dating...will you make the boy take both girls on a date??
    I'm sure most boys would not mind 
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